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destroy him? "I won't, I won't," he kept saying to himself. "Even if they
are apes, or forked worms, they are the same stuff really as I am." Fleeing
from himself, he broke into a trot, a canter, a real gallop, needing the seclusion of his own room. There, he paced up and down for many hours,
far into the night. These hours form a crucial point in his life, so I shall
quote from the account which he himself wrote down on the following
day; turgid stuff, but significant of his unwholesome state.
"I walked and walked, rubbing my shoulder painfully against the wall
every time I turned, snapping at the curtain as I passed it. This was affectation; I was dramatizing myself as a caged beast. The colleges and
churches chimed, quarter by quarter. The noise of passing cars died
down as the night advanced. I kept remembering with fury the smell of
Plaxy, dear and loathsome; and the scent of my last bitch, so sweet, but
false, promising a lovely spirit that did not exist. Then the sudden presence of Idwal's friendly smell, and of a flock of sheep, drenched with
mist. The smell of Pugh, sweaty and excited. Of frost, of a summer day,
of wind from the sea, of the change of wind from west to east. Trails of
rabbit and hare. The infuriating stink of cat. Fox, rich and subtle. The menagerie. Chloroform, and the two toughs that had attacked me. The faint,
throat-tightening smell of suffering which sometimes seems to come
from the part of the Lab where I have never been.
"Below all this flood of smells there was an undercurrent of sounds;
tones of human voices, and dog voices; bleating of sheep and lambs; the
wind, whimpering or furious; snatches of human music, and themes of
my own singing.
"My whole life seemed to crowd in on me in smell and sound; and
touch also, for I felt Plaxy's hand on my neck, and the cracking of bones
between my teeth, and the soft flanks of a young setter that I had loved
long ago in Ffestiniog.
99
"Visual shapes came too, but dimly, unsteadily. Sometimnes I
glimpsed Thomas with pursed lips, considering me; sometimes Plaxy
smiling.
"While these memories presented themselves to me, thoughts also kept
racing and jostling one another through my mind, chiefly terrified and
resentful thoughts about man's power over me, and my own failure to be
master of my fate. How could I ever save myself from the breakdown