Body Paragraph 2
Despite the benefit, potential problems should not be neglected.
考官批註：this benefit
分析:這裡被考官批改作文的嚴格程度嚇到了。」The」在英語裡既可以指代」this」也可以指代」that」，不夠明確。試想，如果你在一家商場站在一堆衣服前跟你的朋友說「I like the dress」，基本上對方根本不知道你說的具體是面前一大堆衣服裡面的哪一件。但如果你說」I like this dress」，那麼很明確你說的應該就是離你最近的目光所及之處的那件衣服。所以這裡原本的」the」被改成了指代更加明確的」this」。
結論：能夠用this或者that的地方就不要用the
First of all, forced study is likely to result in psychological problems to students.
考官批註：paraphrase this
分析:上一段已經有過用forced study開頭的句子了，因此從語言的多樣性考慮，考官要求把這裡的forced study替換掉。因此這裡我把主語改成了』forcing young students to study』.
Forcing young students, who are mentally fragile in general, to study hard imposes much pressure on them. Sometimes, students find the pressure so overwhelming that some of them may simply collapse or even commit suicide in the face of it.
考官批註：excellent sentences and lexical resources
分析:這個句子當中用overwhelming來形容pressure是本人較為得意的成功使用LV(Less-common vocabulary)的典型案例。這樣的句子也非常適合雅思寫作以7分為目標的同學模仿。想知道作文7分句子要寫成什麼樣?就是這樣的!
Moreover, the practice may also deteriorate students』 practical skills.
考官批註：pushing students too hard
分析:practice為什麼不可以用?字典裡的中文解釋明明就是「做法」啊!然而仔細一看英文解釋看出問題來了：A way of doing something that is the USUAL or expected way in a particular organization or situation.所以確切來說practice應該指針對某種情況通常的做法，但本文討論的逼迫學生從小拼命學習顯然並不是一個非常usual的做法。
考官批註：Such as? Give examples because this is unclear.
分析: Practical skills原本在我的理解當中就是「動手能力」的意思。考官為何說「this is unclear」呢?原來在英語當中practical skills是一個包含了很多個子集的非常籠統的概念。一個人很會做家務是一種practical skill，另一個會做木匠活也是一種practical skill，還有一個會做裁縫做衣服還是一種practical skill。
結論：議論文寫作當中儘可能避免使用包含很多子集的籠統概念。具體而言，類似於下面的句子一律禁止：
…… is beneficial for the development of the society.(具體社會的哪方面發展了?經濟還是文化還是科技?)
….. is good for students』 comprehensive development.(哪方面?生理上還是思想上?)
As is known, the improvement of one’s practical skills is solely based on much time of practice.
考官批註：time devoted to practice
分析:沒什麼好說的，是我又中式英語了……
However, when students are forced to spend their time studying all day, they are actually deprived of the opportunities to participate in practical work.
考官批註：what do you mean? give some examples/expand your point
分析:跟上面一樣，practical work同樣是一個包含了無數子集的籠統概念。
As a result, many students become『nerds』who may even be unable to do any housework at all.
考官批註：you』ll need to explain what this term means as it’s very colloquial
分析:「書呆子」在口語當中確實就是叫nerd，但雅思寫作屬於ACADEMIC writing，用詞要學術，太過於口語化的表達不宜使用。
Finally, this practice also has negative effect on students』interpersonal contact. For example, a student who is excessively immersed in studies tends to become socially awkward and often ends up having few friends.
考官批註：excellent point and clear support
分析:這一部分又得到了考官的表揚。模仿吧!少年～