How Far Can I Go? And How Much Can I Do?

The site of this explosion is just like a scene from a movie.

Laying in my hotel bed, lookingat my photos, this is what I thought.

When I first set eyes on it, itstartled me. This, this must be a movie!

A Hollywood sci-fi wouldn’t be this shocking.

This is like hell on earth. Icould only think of one word—Chernobyl!

In that movie I like,「Constantine,」 when Keanu Reeves enters Hell, flames roasting everything,that’s what this is like. These cars gutted by fire are like demons that havecrawled out of Hell.

Just then a firefighter whizzespast my lens carrying a water bag.He’s submerged in this sea of hell-cars, andlast night this was a sea of fire!

How insignificant is a person before thesemanmade objects, how weak before the forces of nature!Some people sayfirefighters are 「mighty.」 But as I see it, they’re just fragile bodies.

I know why I have come here!

This is a test.

2.

I』ll start at the beginning—

Late on August 12, before Ifell asleep, I saw the news of the explosions in Tanggu.

There was a little video. I even reposted itto my WeChat Moments. But I didn’t realize the gravity of the explosions.

Only when I woke up the nextmorning did I discover that my Moments had been wiped clean.It was alreadylate.

I wondered if I should go. Our paper doesn’toften cover breaking news, and this didn’t even happen in Beijing.

But it’s so close. If I didn’tgo? I』d regret it.

I volunteered and gotpermission. Off I went.

I bought a ticket for thehigh-speed train to Tianjin while in the cab to the South Railway Station. Iwanted to go directly to Tanggu, but there weren’t any trains.

En route I stayed in contactwith Brother Hao, who was going to Tianjin separately. He bought his ticketbefore me.At 9:30, I got on the train to Tianjin.While I was sitting there Isuddenly got a text from Brother Hao. He said there was a high-speed train toBinhai leaving at 10.I searched it online, and there it was!

I hesitated. Should I go toTianjin first, or switch and go directly to Binhai?Chao, who lives with herfamily in Tianjin and works in Binhai, was keeping in contact. Neither BrotherHao nor Chao could guarantee there wouldn’t be traffic on the way to Binhai,and the light rail was already closed. A cab, then? It’s over 50 km away. . .

At 9:36, the train stopped fortwo minutes. I jumped off and bought a ticket to Binhai.At 10:10, I got back onthe train.It arrived on time to Binhai at 11:10.I left the station and got acab to TEDA Hospital.

3.

The closer I got to the scene,the more excited I became.

I missed the main scene of theaccident, and could only get to the hospital, the secondary scene.But early onI decided that I couldn’t just stop there.

At 11:35 I arrived at TEDA.This is what I saw at first:

The injured filled everysickbed. Volunteers and charity workers covered every inch of outdoor space.

Along with thevolunteers/charity workers were layer upon layer of security and management.

I went around the hospitaltwice, but found it kind of hard to take pictures of the seriously wounded andtheir treatment. So I decided then and there to move on.

When I left home I didn’t takea face mask. Even though I』d heard there was poison in the air, I felt itcouldn’t be that bad, since people hadn’t dispersed from Binhai. And Chao saidpeople had gone to work in Binhai as usual.

When I got there, I found theair quality wasn’t so bad, except for the smog.Less than half of the people onthe street were wearing face masks. As I rushed to the scene of the fire, I sawa lot of this.

I silently told myself, 「Don’tpsyche yourself out! It’s not that bad!」

4.

I’m not familiar at all withthe area around the fire, so I chose to go on foot. That way I could get usedto my surroundings and take photos as I went along.

About a kilometer from thescene of the fire I reached a residential area. Almost every piece of glass hadbeen shattered. Curtains tossed in the breeze.

The locals seemed like theywere watching a movie. . .

Dalu, a Beijing Newsphotographer who had gotten to the main scene early in the morning, got intouch. He said they were already strictly guarding the perimeter, and heexpected it would be tough to break through.I walked for nearly half an hourand got to the police line.

I contacted Dalu again. He saidthe armed police had already pushed him out, and he wouldn’t go back.That is to say, in a while I would be the only reporter inside. . .

I couldn’t get in from aguarded area, so I followed the overpass in (on the left). Underneath was aconstruction site parking lot. Everyone had already evacuated the area, so there was no one watching over it.

I continued on towards thescene of the fire. I walked three or four hundred meters when suddenly asecurity officer yelled at me from the road off the overpass, 「Get out of here!What are you doing? This is the second time!」

I think he mistook me fors omebody else. I didn’t protest. I turned around and went back until the parkedtrucks gave me cover. Then I turned back around and went into the space by thepolice line, just by the parking lot.There was a meter-high railing, and beyondthat a service road several meters wide.

On the other side of the roadwas a shelterbelt, summer-lush and green.If I went into the grove, there wouldbe no way anyone could see me.So I climbed over the railing and dashed acrossthe road into the shelterbelt.They were all small trees, ten-some rows of them.

On the other side of the grovewas a residential area.I made my way through the trees towards the site of thefire.

Suddenly human shadows wereswaying from the road in the residential area outside the grove. I immediatelycrouched and stopped walking.They were armed police, five or six of them. Theywent back and forth along the road for several minutes. I didn’t even dare takea deep breath.

Finally they went back to themain road. I got back up and continued on my way.

At last, I saw the area rightby the epicenter—

5.

As I passed a low wall andruins shaken apart by the blasts, I saw this building that had been utterlydestroyed. On the far end was a three-story building. Smoke billowed beyond it.

A teddy bear was lying on theground.

I don’t know where it had been shaken from.Shattered glass lay insideand outside the three-story building.

As I approached, a yellow dogsuddenly sprung up and scurried away in a panic.Besides the firefighters, itwas only me and the dog.

I entered the first floor and saw that some of the wallhad been shaken apart.

I thought about going up to the second andthird floors, but it would be too dangerous.

But I needed to find a high point,so I looked for other staircases.I finally found a fairly intact staircase in ahouse on the far end.

I stepped over the ruineddoorframe and cement bricks, and climbed up to the third floor. I had a clearview of what I wanted right before my eyes—Then I waited for movement outthere.

At this time I realized that the building Iwas hiding myself in was the closest to the scene of the fire.

Before he left, Dalu told methe firefighters had already left, and the site was totally empty.But Idiscovered several firefighters still moving around there.They were trying to put out the fire.

But moments after they sprayed the foam, the sound of anexplosion came out of the rubble. They had to stop again. After a few minutesthey tried again. There was another little explosion.

The firefighters couldn’t putout the fire. There were only a few people left, and most of them waiting fororders.

The fire raged on.

6.

It was quiet for a few hours.

I got all kinds of crazy news: that the hazmatteam was on its way, that there was a leak of poison gas. . . But I didn’tmove, because the firefighters below hadn’t left, and they weren’t wearing facemasks.

But I』d waited too long, andI』d taken all the photos I could from on top of the building. It wasapproaching three o』 clock, when I would upload my photos to the officialWeChat account. I couldn’t take it. I had to get down there and take photos.

As I got closer, I finally sawclearly the extent of the previous night’s disaster.

Every single car had been burnt down to theframe.Metal hubcaps were now dust.

The ground was burning hot, theheat emanating through the soles of my shoes and scorching my feet.

Liquid metal lay on the groundin all kinds of shapes, a lot of it. It reminded me of the liquid robot in 「TheTerminator.」

It was even harder to lookinside the cars.

The abandoned cars surrounded me. They were the closest to thescene of the fire, not twenty meters away.

I don’t know where my couragecame from.All around me were thousands of burnt-out cars. The ground wasboiling beneath my feet.

And here I was, standing in Hell.

7.

Right after I finished shootingthe scene nearest the fire, I went back to my hiding place in the littlebuilding.

As I got ready to upload, Iheard a muffled sound. Another explosion!

At 2:44, a lump of yellowsmoke.All I』d seen before was black smoke and white smoke, with a few colorslike blue thrown in. This cloud surprised me. It was too bright.

Just then I heard a firefighteroutside the site yell, 「Get out of there! It’s another explosion!」

At first the firefightersdidn’t react, so the man on the outside kept yelling. Then he turned on asiren, piercing the space.

Finally the firefighters ran out wildly.

As soon as I saw somethingwasn’t right, I packed up my gear, flew down the stairs, and went back to thegrove of little trees.Under the shade of the trees, I posted to WeChat whilekeeping my ears open to the situation.

I wondered if I shouldn’t retreat a bitfurther. But everything had become peaceful again. Blue sky showed through thechinks in the treetops. That yellow cloud seemed to have dispersed quickly,without any after effects.

I finished uploading my post at4:10. I got ready to go back to the scene.After those firefighters ran off,they didn’t come back.

Now it was truly quiet.

8.

It seemed I was the only onethere waiting.But I didn’t want to leave, because I』d gotten word that thehazmat team was on its way.

I』d also heard that there were still twostorage tanks of hazardous chemicals at risk of detonation, and that they weregetting ready to set them off manually.

Our newspaper isn’t like othermedia outlets. I was the only reporter on site. It was crucial that I stayed.

A colleague had also sent out acontact person who previously had been in charge of hazmat assignments at theBeijing garrison command. He hadn’t gotten to Binhai yet. Then he got there,but said the scene of the accident was too dangerous and that he himselfwouldn’t go in. He asked me to 「think of another way in.」 I didn’t tell him Iwas already there.

During my long wait, severalfriends arrived at Binhai one after the other and had quickly gotten close tothe scene: Feng Xiaohao, Brother Hao, and Teacher Yang.I told my friends thatthey could sneak in.

Brother Hao was the first toget to the perimeter, but unfortunately he wasn’t able to avoid the armedpolice. He was 「pushed away by two people」 and his camera was confiscated. Hisattempt to get in failed.

Xiaohao and Teacher Yang took alot of pictures from the perimeter, and Xiaohao uploaded some from his phone.They circled again and again, finally crossing a brook and arriving at myhiding spot.Teacher Yang and Xiaohao arrived at 5:50.

Teacher Yang had brought me abottle of water. This was the first thing I』d had to drink since I drank a bagof milk in the morning. It really felt like life-saving water.

After the milk I』d had apackage of Oreos, but I didn’t eat anything for lunch inside the police cordon.I』d brought some crackers, but without water they were too dry to eat. I』dfasted for nine hours at the scorching site of the fire.

My throat was parched, and mystomach was so empty it made my heart flutter.

9.

I don’t know through whatvirtue or ability I』ve made you pay attention.

As for going to the scene ofthe accident, I didn’t really have any misgivings about it. And I didn’t feellike I was in great danger. But my friends had a different reaction.

Chao gave me a call at noon,around when I got to the scene. We』d been in constant contact before then.She』d told me everything she knew. As soon as she heard I had snuck in, shehung up.

Then my friend Xiaozhu sent aWeChat message, saying that Chao had called him in tears. She said it was toodangerous for me, but that she knew 「telling him to leave is useless.」

Xiaobai sent me a WeChat in theafternoon. 「You’re insane,」 she cursed. 「Why did you have to run so close tothe site?」 She wanted me to leave right then. I lied and told her I had alreadyleft. She asked me to WeChat her my location. . .

She messaged me all afternoonto get me to leave. 「I admire brave reporters,」 she said, 「but I don’t want youto be one!」

Countless people WeChatted me,telling me to be safe, sending me every piece of news they had. I got some ofthe same 「danger messages」 multiple times. Friends also sent me messages ofsupport. In the evening my buddy Cao Zheng arranged a free hotel room for methrough his business, but I』d already found a place to stay. I’m unworthy of myfriends』 kindness.

Thanks, everyone.

10.

Around 6 p.m. a small group inyellow hazmat suits went onto the site. There wasn’t any new activity afterthat. Friend outside kept warning me that they might be setting off explosionstowards nightfall, but I didn’t see a hint of that, and no one had left.

By 6:30 I couldn’t wait anylonger. The messages about impending detonations were getting more urgent.

Xiaohao and Teacher Yang hadgone to photograph the ruined homes on the other side.I soon followed afterthem.

The Wanke Harbor Citydevelopment was just a few hundred meters from the blast site. Now it was apile of rubble. Not a single window was intact.

Household items were scatteredeverywhere.I don’t know what kind of quake happened there last night. Stuff hadbeen thrown towards the site of the explosion. But shouldn’t the shock wavehave sent stuff in the opposite direction?I still don’t get it.

The cars below the building hadall been warped, their windows shattered.

A quilt was blown out of thiscar, left hanging out the back.

Clothes, odds and ends:Kitchenutensils and a wedding bouquet.

Beautiful dreams and everydaylives, they』d all been shaken apart.

Money, money everywhere.Wecan’t take it.

A children’s toy:

There were somany other things.

Feng Xiaohao even foundlingerie. .

.In an instant, they were allthrown out of the normal realm.

Each person’s life is like aclay pot. It holds so many things. But it’s fragile. One shock can break itapart.

The money we work so hard for,the houses and the cars we buy, all destroyed in an instant.

We spend countless yearshoarding everyday objects, and in a flash they’re gone.

Even life itself—don’t thinkabout that.But as long as we’re still alive, who cares about losing all thoseother things?

As I looked at all this, Ifinally understood what is meant by 「just things.」

Except for life, everythingelse is empty.

11.

After just a few minutes oftaking photos, the police found all three of us.

They took our ID cards. Theysearched and interrogated us.

We』d seen a lot of reportsabout police and residents preventing journalists from taking photos, so wedidn’t say we were journalists. We said we were students who had just come outof curiosity.

I thought our ruse was prettyweek. No one would believe it. Our backpacks were filled with cameras andcomputers.

My ID card is from when I wasat the Communication University of China, and it has the school address onit.But the police didn’t show any signs of seeing through our lie.

I don’t know if they really believed us, butin the end they didn’t figure us out, and they didn’t see our press cards.

Instead, their voices relaxed as theyexplained that they had searched us in order to protect the residents』property. They were responsible to the people of Tianjin, and they wereresponsible to us.When they searched us, they wanted me to open my backpack andturn out my pockets. I told them to search me themselves, but they didn’t dare.

I』d taken the memory card out of my camera andput it in my pants pockets. An officer said it wasn’t hidden on me. He pattedme down haphazardly, but didn’t find the card. Then they made me delete everyphoto from my cell phone, one by one.

Then they made me open mylaptop. It was in sleep mode, and as soon as I opened it photos from the scenepopped up. I couldn’t escape. I deleted every photo. They even found anotherfolder of photos.

I really don’t think our「student ruse」 fooled anyone, but the police are complicated. They didn’tcompletely fulfill their duties. On the outside they’re strict, but theyprovided me with so many loopholes.

Only after I』d left did Idiscover that I was the most carefully search among the three of us. They』deven deleted the photos on my cell phone and computer.

After they had searched me,before I left, an officer yelled at me, 「Take off your shoes!」 He thought I washiding something in them. How naive. He even made me take out the insoles. Ofcourse he came up with nothing.

We left.

12.

I spent the entire afternoonhiding at the site. I didn’t take any more photos outside the hospital, and Inever got any pictures of the firefighters or the hazmat team. I still have alot of regrets.

We walked a few hundred metersafter we left and hailed a cab. A female driver wearing a face mask pulled upand asked if we were family. We told her we were from the media.

When we got out, she wouldn’ttake our money. 「You』ve done so much,」 she said. We still paid her in the end.

At 8 p.m. we got box dinnersfrom the volunteers outside the hospital and ate on the lawn.

We just had to fill our bellies.We talked as we ate. One of the reporters suddenly said,「Chaogetu killed himself.」

Chaogetu used to be aninvestigative reporter for Beijing News. Now the investigative reportingdepartment is gone.

At first I had no reaction.When I heard Chaogetu I said, 「I』ve been to his house and slept in his bed.」

Yes, it must have been threeyears ago. I went with friends from Beijing News to the house they rented withhim. He was on a business trip, so I slept in his bed that night.He had a bigbookshelf and a big white cat. The cat was very docile. In the night it came tosleep with me on that soft twin bed.I』ve always wanted to have a cat like that.. .

Now that its owner is gone,what will happen to the cat?

Chaogetu suffered fromdepression. He jumped out the window. He didn’t give anyone a chance to savehim.

I』d seen a day’s worth of Hell,and now I heard this news. I felt a little hope had left this world.A person Ishared only a tenuous connection with—a person I』d heard of and admired, aperson who』d slept on the same bed with the same cat as me, but a person I hadnever met—was gone. I felt strange.

I thought, 「This is just theway things go.」

13.

It was the wee hours again.Before I fell asleep, I checked my WeChat moments and saw a friend’smessage:「It’s midnight. Let’s erase the old day!」

But I can’t erase it.

I saw that a colleague atBeijing News had written song lyrics in honor of Chaogetu:

You ask if I can stop mysadness,

You tell me to put out the firein my heart.

What can I tell you

When everything I say is wrong?

This day, this strange day,this day filled to the brim.

It’s over.Xiaobai says to me: 「you always ask for trouble！」 She tells me to go back toBeijing in the morning, and send her my locations in real time.

My online name is 「Xiaoxin He Xiaoxin」 . It means 「Beware the person named He Xiaoxin,」 but a lot of people think it’s two people’s names—Xiaoxin and Xiaoxin, one named 「Be Careful」 and another named 「Little Joy.」 And today, too many people have told 「He Little Joy」 to 「becareful!」 ! !

I admit it, I’m doing it, Ihave been a little careful. But what I’m wondering now, after hearing andseeing more of the kinds of things I saw today—

How much further can I go? Andhow much can I do?

by He Xiaoxin [Chinese]

================

Translation by Anne Henochowicz.

感謝査雲帆老師為我提供翻譯資料~

—————我能說的並不多—————

20150814 天津潮音寺