就第一次約會而言,少年傑克·斯科特和他的新女友艾比·韋斯特洛普在三月初就夠史詩的了。
事情是從斯科特參加的棒球比賽開始的,韋斯特羅普去看他比賽。然後,他們回到他的父親家,觀看奈飛,在外面玩捉迷藏,吃玉米餅。兩人談論生活、朋友、希望和夢想。有時候,北加州的青少年甚至會接吻。
三個月後,兩人仍在約會,只是面對全球大流行,情況大相逕庭。
這些天,少年傑克斯科特和艾比韋斯特洛普外出閒逛的時候,他們保持至少6英尺的距離。
他們每天視頻幾個小時。他們發簡訊。每周一兩次,他們不戴口罩,在父母家的車道上見面,坐在相距至少6英尺遠的草坪椅上。他們不允許觸摸或親吻,或做其他任何八年級和九年級學生通常可能做的事情——總有一個家長在看著。用斯科特的話說,這是"粗糙的"。但是家長已經這麼實行了。
斯科特上周在一條簡訊中寫道:"起初,我真的反對,但(現在)我正處於接受階段。"知道我的[女朋友]正在做同樣的事情,這樣我就知道這不僅僅是我。
在科維德時代約會
斯科特和韋斯特洛普並不是唯一在冠狀病毒大流行下面臨新規定的青少年戀人。在世界各地,青少年和他們的家庭都在研究如何使青少年愛情的戲劇適應社會疏遠和適時保護措施。
謝天謝地,許多人聽從了當地政府的建議,即使父母給予一些額外的鼓勵和束縛。另外一些人則完全無視規則——部分原因是他們是青少年,但也因為爸爸媽媽不能或不會監督社會疏遠措施。
"現在想要年輕和相愛是很難的,"傑西卡·英格蘭說,她在舊金山是一名執業婚姻和家庭治療師。"讓青少年看到大局,長遠思考,真的很難。"
回溯到羅密歐和朱麗葉時代,青少年戀人都發誓要不惜一切地在一起,我們每個人都至少有過幾個與我們的高中意中人偷偷溜出去的故事。
在2011年的電影《傳染》中,甚至有一個場景,一個青少年對她的父親(由馬特·達蒙飾演)發狂,因為她在大流行期間沒有讓她見到她的男朋友。
然而,危險是真實存在的。研究表明,雖然青少年和年齡更小的孩子不太可能像成年人那樣患上科維德-19急性症狀或需要住院治療,但根據美國疾病控制和預防中心的報告,無症狀兒童可以充當媒介,自己可能感染病毒,然後傳染給別人,並進而可能感染沿途無數個不知情的受害者。
請注意,我們對科維德-19如何影響兒童的理解正在發展中,因為最近一種神秘的疾病導致數十名兒童住院,而衛生官員認為這種疾病可能與冠狀病毒有關。
為什麼青少年不明白
那麼,為什麼青少年很難理解大流行的嚴重性呢?為什麼他們中的許多人難以理解社會疏遠和適時保護的重要性呢?
也許最重要的解釋與大腦發育有關:大腦最後完全形成的部分是前額葉。擁有前額葉皮質的區域可以控制"執行功能",如衝動控制、判斷、情緒調節、計劃、推理以及以未來的視角和眼界看待情境的能力。
紐約牙買加聖約翰大學心理學副教授西阿塔·華萊士說,「大腦的這個區域直到我們25歲時才停止發育,這使得一些青少年很難想像到威脅生命的病毒會如何影響他們。」
這也使得青少年很難通過超越自己的壓倒性的情感的眼界看待事情。
華萊士說:"青少年很難從根本上想像這些事,也很難理解它們。」
"當你把這一觀點運用到浪漫的愛情及其相關的所有的強烈感情中,並因而使他們以為他們會永遠對男朋友或女朋友有這種感覺時,想要他們實事求是地思考情況並平衡風險就更具挑戰性。」
馬裡蘭州巴爾的摩的兒科醫生艾羅·菲爾茲博士對此表示贊同,並補充說,前額葉皮質的不完全發育也是造成青少年時期的不可戰勝和無懈可擊的感覺的原因。
菲爾茲是約翰霍普金斯醫學院兒科助理教授,他把這種情況比作青少年關於超速危險的解讀,但隨後開車太快。
"青少年認為,'這不會發生在我身上',這是很常見的,"他說。"他們聽說過這種抽象的病毒導致世界關閉了,但他們也聽說過這對青少年來說沒什麼大不了的,即加倍形成了沒什麼大不了的觀點。
父母如何幫助青少年度過大流行
父母可以幫助青少年理解為什麼他們必須認真對待社會疏遠。
是的,這些談話最終必須傳遞關於家裡的規則。但是,他們也可以進行關於恐懼、挫折、焦慮等的公開和誠實的對話。
丹佛的心理學家喬迪·託馬斯說,"如何"提問是這些聊天的關鍵。你對中斷與你男朋友/女朋友的日常交往感覺如何?你如何確定去看到你的重要的她/他是否安全?你如何確定它會帶來哪些風險?所有這些都是很好的問題,要求讓你的孩子進行更廣泛的思考。
託馬斯說,父母至少應該承認青少年與朋友和重要朋友進行隔離是悲劇,尤其是在青少年可能覺得他們最需要他們最親密的朋友的時候。她建議讓青少年發洩關於隔離生活的挫折,傾聽他們的感受,驗證這些感受,然後邀請他們參與討論家庭如何共同努力,使情況更加具有品味。
"說,'我知道現在很糟,但我們需要保證你的安全',也許能幫助一個青少年開始了解是什麼真正處於危險之中,"託馬斯說,他是史丹福大學醫學院的兼職講師。"我們必須以同情的方式為孩子們畫這些界線,同時也得承認這是多麼困難。」
舊金山的心理治療師英格蘭說,制定家裡的規則很重要,但同樣重要的是,與青少年一起進行技能建設,讓他們在發現自己做出錯誤選擇並希望踩剎車的情況下,引導他們完成該做的事。
具體來說,她說,父母必須明確,他們重視安全而不是服從。
她說:"你寧願讓你的孩子凌晨2點打電話,也不願酒後駕車,也不願和酒後駕車的人一起騎車。"如果你的青少年偷偷溜出去看他或她的男朋友或女朋友,情況也是一樣的。承認這個錯誤需要勇氣,但你需要他們告訴你把潛在的風險暴露出來,以保持家庭中的其他人的安全。
如何作為非父母幫助青少年度過大流行
當然,父母也需要注意可能適得其反的大流行教育策略。
納什維爾範德比爾特大學心理學和人類發展教授喬·羅傑斯說,首先,那些嚴厲、高度專制或僵化的父母會讓青少年形成非要做被告知不能去做的事情的心理過程,即抗拒心理。
另一個潛在的陷阱是:進行專家所說的苦慘比較。
單親媽媽關於的大流行的教育建議
託馬斯說:"當大人開始拋出諸如'這不像我經歷的那樣難'或'這與x、y或z相比什麼都不是'時,青少年就停止傾聽了。"除了有些情況可以理解之外,這是大多數青少年經歷的最艱難的事情。他們不可能有身臨其境的體驗」。
英格蘭補充說,在力加大的時候,父母必須現實地看待對青少年的期望,並努力確保他們不會為失敗而塑造孩子。
她說:"如果任何父母認為可以對青少年說,'你看你的夥伴無人看管,但你不能和在他們一起',那只是一種明顯的錯覺,就像要求他們獨自在房間裡拿著課本做一個閉卷測試一樣。」
如何與鄰居談論社交疏遠
青少年性別和性問題專家菲爾茲提醒父母要記住,即使青少年還沒有確定所鍾意的人,也不一定意味著孩子就缺少這樣一個人。
因此,他說,疏遠會給那些被認定為女同性戀、男同性戀、雙性戀、變性、奇怪的、跨性別或無性的孩子帶來心理健康挑戰。
菲爾茲說:"如果一個十幾歲的孩子不和(他們)的父母在一起,父母也會感到難以置信的孤立,即使沒有大流行需要我們所有人呆在家裡。"有時,對於這些孩子來說,浪漫的伴侶是正常感覺和理智的唯一聯繫。
一線希望
最後,父母必須做好靈活準備,在家庭社會疏遠計劃不可避免擱置的情況下,要保持耐心。
羅傑斯說,這是因為那些認為自己戀愛的足智多謀的青少年總是會想辦法繞過父母。
他在一封電子郵件中寫道:"第一條規則是,十幾歲的男孩和十幾歲的女孩總會想辦法聚在一起。"規則2是大流行不會改變規則1。
No, your teenager's boyfriend or girlfriend cannot come over during the pandemic
As far as first dates go, the one 14-year-old Jake Scott had with his new 15-year-old girlfriend, Abby Westrope, back in early March was epic.
It started at Scott's baseball game, where Westrope watched him play. From there they went back to his dad's house, watched Netflix, played catch outside and ate tacos. The two talked about life, friends, hopes and dreams. At some point(s), the Northern California teens might have even kissed.
Three months later, the duo is still dating, only it looks much different in the face of a global pandemic.
They FaceTime for hours each day. They text. Once or twice a week, they don masks, meet up on the driveway at a parent's house and sit in lawn chairs spread apart by a minimum of 6 feet apart. They're not allowed to touch or kiss or do anything else that eighth and ninth graders typically might do — one parent is always watching. In Scott's words, it's "rough." But they have made it work.
"At first, I was really against it, but [now] I'm in the acceptance phase," Scott wrote in a text message last week. "It helps to know that my [girlfriend] is doing the same thing so that I know that it's not just me."
Dating in the time of Covid
Scott and Westrope aren't the only teenage sweethearts facing new rules under the coronavirus pandemic. All over the world, teens and their families are figuring out how to adapt the drama of adolescent love to the rigors of social distancing and sheltering in place.
Thankfully, many are following recommendations from their local governments, even if it's with some extra encouragement and enforcement from their parents. Others are disregarding the rules altogether — partially because they're teenagers, but also because moms and dads either can't or won't supervise social distancing.
"It's a tough time to be young and in love," said Jessica England, a licensed marriage and family therapist in San Francisco. "Getting teenagers to see the big picture and think long-term is really, really hard."
Teenage lovers dating back to Romeo and Juliet have vowed to stop at nothing to be together, and each of us has at least a few stories of sneaking out to be with our high school heartthrobs.
There's even a scene in the 2011 movie "Contagion" in which a teenager gets mad at her father (played by Matt Damon) for not letting her see her boyfriend during a pandemic.
And yet the danger is real. Research has suggested teenagers and younger kids are less likely than adults to show acute symptoms of Covid-19 or require hospitalization. Reports from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, however, say asymptomatic children can act as vectors, picking up the virus from one person and transmitting it to another, potentially infecting any number of other unsuspecting victims along the way.
Note that our understanding of how Covid-19 affects children is developing with the recent hospitalization of dozens of kids due to a mysterious illness which health officials believe could be linked to the coronavirus.
Why teenagers don't get it
So why is it so difficult for teenagers to grasp the gravity of a pandemic? Why do so many of them struggle with understanding the importance of social distancing and actually sheltering in place?
Perhaps the most significant explanation has to do with brain development: The last part of the brain to form fully is the frontal lobe. This is the region with the prefrontal cortex, which controls "executive functions" such as impulse control, judgment, emotional regulation, planning, reasoning and a person's ability to look at situations with perspective and an eye on the future.
Scyatta Wallace, associate professor of psychology at St. John's University in Jamaica, New York, said this area of the brain doesn't stop developing until we're 25, which makes it difficult for some teenagers to imagine the enormity of how a life-threatening virus could potentially impact them at all.
It also makes it tough for teenagers to see beyond their own overwhelming feelings.
"It's physically difficult for teenagers to imagine these sorts of things and understand them," said Wallace, who has focused the bulk of her research on teens.
"When you apply this to romantic love and all the intense feelings associated with them thinking they're going to feel this way about a boyfriend or girlfriend forever, it's even more challenging for them to think practically about the situation and balance out the risk."
Dr. Errol Fields, a pediatrician in Baltimore, Maryland, agreed, adding that incomplete development of the prefrontal cortex also accounts for the sense of invincibility and invulnerability that often characterize the teenage years.
Fields, who is an assistant professor of pediatrics at Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, likened the situation to teenagers reading about the dangers of speeding, but then driving too fast.
"It's totally common for teenagers to think, 'That's not going to happen to me,'" he said. "They hear about this abstract virus that's causing the world to shut down, but they also hear it's not a big deal for adolescents, which multiplies the perception that it's not a big deal."
How to parent teens through the pandemic
Parents can help teens understand why they must take social distancing seriously.
Yes, these conversations ultimately must convey the rules of the house. But they also can incorporate open and honest conversations about fears, frustrations, anxieties and more.
Jody Thomas, a psychologist in Denver, said "how" questions are critical components to these chats. How are you feeling about disrupting the routine with your boyfriend/girlfriend? How would you decide if it's safe to see your significant other? How would you determine what risks come with it? All of these are good questions to ask to get your teen thinking more broadly.
Thomas said parents should at least try to acknowledge the tragedy of their teens being cut off from friends and significant others, especially at a time when teenagers might feel they need their closest pals most. She advised to start these conversations by letting teenagers vent about frustrations with quarantine life, listen to what they're feeling, validate those feelings and then invite them to contribute to a discussion about how the family can work together to make the situation more palatable.
"Saying something like, 'I know it sucks right now, but we need to keep you safe,' might help a teenager begin to understand what's really at stake," said Thomas, who doubles as an adjunct lecturer at the Stanford University School of Medicine. "We have to draw these lines for kids in a way that's empathetic and also acknowledges how hard it is."
England, the psychotherapist in San Francisco, said it's important to lay out the rules of the house but it's equally important to engage in skill building with teens and walk them through what to do if they find themselves in a situation where they've made bad choices and wish to tap the brakes.
Specifically, she said, parents must make clear they value safety over obedience.
"You'd rather have your kid call for a ride at 2 a.m. than drive drunk or ride with someone who's driving drunk," she said. "It's the same situation if your teenager sneaks out to see his or her boyfriend or girlfriend. It takes courage to admit the mistake, but you need them to tell you about potential risk exposures to keep everyone else in the family safe."
How NOT to parent teens through the pandemic
Of course, parents also need to be mindful of pandemic parenting strategies that are likely to backfire.
For starters, parents who are draconian, highly authoritarian or rigid risk their teenagers engaging in a psychological process called reactance, which essentially results in kids doing precisely what they're told not to do, according to Joe Rodgers, the Lois Autrey Betts professor of psychology and human development at Vanderbilt University in Nashville.
Another potential pitfall: engaging in what experts refer to as comparison of suffering.
Pandemic parenting advice from a single mom
"When grown-ups start throwing out statements like, 'This isn't as hard as what I went through,' or 'This is nothing compared to x, y or z,' teenagers just stop listening," said Thomas. "With the exception of some extenuating circumstances, this is the hardest thing most teenagers have ever had to go through. There's no way they're going to be able to contextualize it."
England added that parents must be realistic about what to expect from their teenagers during this time of heightened stress, and to strive to make sure they don't set up their kids for failure.
"If any parent thinks he or she can say to a teenager, 'You can see your partner unsupervised but you can't make out with them,' that's just plain delusional, like asking them to take a closed-book test alone in their room with all of their textbooks," she said.
How to talk to your neighbors about social distancing
Fields, who specializes in helping adolescents grappling with questions of gender and sexuality, cautioned parents to remember that even when a teenager hasn't identified a significant other, it doesn't necessarily mean the child lacks one.
For this reason, he said distancing can create mental health challenges for kids who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transsexual, queer, intersex or asexual.
"If a teenager isn't out to [their] parents, they can feel incredibly isolated, even when there's not a pandemic requiring all of us to stay at home," Fields said. "Sometimes for these kids, a romantic partner is the only connection to feeling normal and sane."
Silver linings
At the end of the day, parents must prepare themselves to be flexible, and to practice patience in the face of inevitable hiccups with the family social distancing plan.
Rodgers said this is because resourceful teenagers who think they're in love always will figure out ways to circumvent their parents.
"Rule No. 1 is that teenage boys and teenage girls will find ways to get together," he wrote in an email. "Rule No. 2 is that pandemics don't change Rule No. 1."