0:12
When I was young, Iprided myself as a nonconformist in the conservative U.S. state I live in,Kansas. I didn't follow along with the crowd. I wasn't afraid to try weirdclothing trends or hairstyles. I was outspoken and extremely social. Even thesepictures and postcards of my London semester abroad 16 years ago show that Iobviously didn't care if I was perceived as weird or different. (Laughter)
0:45
But that same year Iwas in London, 16 years ago, I realized something about myself that actuallywas somewhat unique, and that changed everything. I became the opposite of whoI thought I once was. I stayed in my room instead of socializing. I stoppedengaging in clubs and leadership activities. I didn't want to stand out in thecrowd anymore. I told myself it was because I was growing up and maturing,notthat I was suddenly looking for acceptance. I had always assumed I was immuneto needing acceptance. After all, I was a bit unconventional. But I realize nowthat the moment I realized something was different about me was the exact samemoment that I began conforming and hiding.
1:40
Hiding is a progressivehabit, and once you start hiding, it becomes harder and harder to step forwardand speak out. In fact, even now, when I was talking to people about what thistalk was about, I made up a cover story and I even hid the truth about my TEDTalk. So it is fitting and scary that I have returned to this city 16 yearslater and I have chosen this stage to finally stop hiding. What have I beenhiding for 16 years? I am a lesbian.
2:28(Applause)
2:44Thank you.
2:47
I've struggled to saythose words, because I didn't want to be defined by them. Every time I wouldthink about coming out in the past, I would think to myself, but I just want tobe known as Morgana, uniquely Morgana, but not "my lesbian friendMorgana," or "my gay coworker Morgana." Just Morgana.
3:09
For those of you fromlarge metropolitan areas, this may not seem like a big deal to you. It may seemstrange that I have suppressed the truth and hidden this for so long. But I wasparalyzed by my fear of not being accepted. And I'm not alone, of course. A2013 Deloitte study found that a surprisingly large number of people hideaspects of their identity. Of all the employees they surveyed, 61 percentreported changing an aspect of their behavior or their appearance in order tofit in at work. Of all the gay, lesbian and bisexual employees, 83 percentadmitted to changing some aspects of themselves so they would not appear atwork "too gay." The study found that even in companies with diversitypolicies and inclusion programs, employees struggle to be themselves at workbecause they believe conformity is critical to their long-term careeradvancement. And while I was surprised that so many people just like me wasteso much energy trying to hide themselves, I was scared when I discovered thatmy silencehas life-or-death consequences and long-term social repercussions.
4:40
Twelve years: thelength by which life expectancy is shortened for gay, lesbian and bisexualpeople in highly anti-gay communities compared to accepting communities. Twelveyears reduced life expectancy. When I read that in The Advocate magazine thisyear, I realized I could no longer afford to keep silent. The effects ofpersonal stress and social stigmas are a deadly combination. The study foundthat gays in anti-gay communities had higher rates of heart disease, violenceand suicide. What I once thought was simply a personal matter I realized had aripple effect that went into the workplace and out into the community for everystory just like mine. My choice to hide and not share who I really am may haveinadvertently contributed to this exact same environment and atmosphere ofdiscrimination.
5:47
I'd always told myselfthere's no reason to share that I was gay, but the idea that my silence hassocial consequences was really driven home this year when I missed anopportunity to change the atmosphere of discrimination in my own home state ofKansas.
6:07
In February, the KansasHouse of Representatives brought up a bill for vote that would have essentiallyallowed businesses to use religious freedom as a reason to deny gays services.A former coworker and friend of mine has a father who serves in the KansasHouse of Representatives. He voted in favor of the bill, in favor of a law thatwould allow businesses to not serve me.
6:45
How does my friend feelabout lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning people? Howdoes her father feel? I don't know, because I was never honest with them aboutwho I am. And that shakes me to the core. What if I had told her my story yearsago? Could she have told her father my experience? Could I have ultimatelyhelped change his vote? I will never know, and that made me realize I had donenothing to try to make a difference.
7:26
How ironic that I workin human resources, a profession that works to welcome, connect and encouragethe development of employees, a profession that advocates that the diversity ofsocietyshould be reflected in the workplace, and yet I have done nothing toadvocate for diversity. When I came to this company one year ago, I thought tomyself, this company has anti-discrimination policiesthat protect gay, lesbian,bisexual and transgender people. Their commitment to diversity is evidentthrough their global inclusion programs. When I walk through the doors of thiscompany, I will finally come out. But I didn't. Instead of taking advantage ofthe opportunity, I did nothing.
8:30(Applause)
8:38
When I was lookingthrough my London journal and scrapbook from my London semester abroad 16 yearsago, I came across this modified quote from Toni Morrison's book,"Paradise." "There are more scary things inside thanoutside." And then I wrote a note to myself at the bottom: "Rememberthis." I'm sure I was trying to encourage myself to get out and exploreLondon, but the message I missed was the need to start exploring and embracingmyself. What I didn't realize until all these years later is that the biggestobstacles I will ever have to overcome are my own fears and insecurities. Ibelieve that by facing my fears inside, I will be able to change realityoutside. I made a choice today to reveal a part of myself that I have hiddenfor too long. I hope that this means I will never hide again, and I hope thatby coming out today, I can do something to change the data and also to helpothers who feel different be more themselves and more fulfilled in both theirprofessional and personal lives. Thank you. (Applause)
0:12
當我年輕的時候 我曾為自己能不墨守成規而感到驕傲 那時候我生活在保守的美國堪薩斯州我不隨大流 勇敢嘗試奇裝異服和和怪異髮型 直言不諱, 而且勤於社交 這是大約十六年前我出國在倫敦那學期的圖片和明信片從這些也能看出我完全不在乎是否會被覺得怪異或另類 (笑聲) 但也就是同一年 十六年前在倫敦的那年我意識到自己的確有點特別 於是一切從此發生了改變 我變得與從前的自己判若兩人 自己待在房間而不再去社交終止了俱樂部和領導活動 不再願意在人多的時候突出自己 我告訴自己那只是因為自己在長大和成熟 而不是因為突然間開始尋找認同 我曾經一度假定自己不需要被接納 畢竟我是有點不那麼傳統 而現在我明白 在我意識到自己有點特別的那一刻 就是我循規蹈矩和隱藏自己的開始隱藏是一種逐步加強的習慣 一旦你開始這樣做了 重新開始展示真實的自己就會變得越來越難 事實上， 即使不久前 在我和別人談論這次演講的時候 我其實也沒有說出真實的內容我甚至隱瞞了我TED演講的真相 我內心真的很害怕 十六年後，我回到這個城市選擇這個舞臺， 不再遮掩 那麼， 十六年來我都在隱藏什麼？我是一個同性戀 (掌聲) 謝謝 我掙扎著說出了這些字 因為我不想被它們所定義過去 每當我想要出櫃 我就會暗想，我只想做莫甘娜 （譯註：演講者自己） 那個獨一無二的莫甘娜 而不是「我的同性戀朋友莫甘娜」 或者」我的同性戀同事莫甘娜" 只是莫甘娜就好了 對在座的那些來自大都市的人來說 這也許沒什麼 也許我看起來很奇怪 壓抑了這個真相 並且遮掩了如此之久可不被接納真的會讓我恐懼到嚇癱 當然 不止我一個人這樣 2013年德勤的一項研究發現 有驚人數目的人 在自己的身份方面都有所隱藏在他們調查的全部僱員中 61%的人報告為了適應工作 有改變過行為或外表的某個方面 在所有的男、女同性戀以及雙性戀僱員中 83%的人承認自己有過某些方面的改變 以使在工作場合不會表現的「過於同性戀」 研究發現即使是在 有著多元化政策與兼容並包性計劃的公司僱員們也會為在工作場合做自己而鬥爭 因為他們相信 趨同對於長期的職業發展來說至關重要 當我驚訝於如此多的人像我一樣 浪費相當多精力去隱藏自己的同時 我也感到了恐懼——當我發現自己的沉默 會造成生死攸關的後果以及長遠的社會影響 十二年： 這個數字是那些在強烈反對同性戀社區中 生活的同性戀、雙性戀者 相對在接納同性戀社區中 預期壽命的縮減量十二年的壽命縮減—— 今年 當我在Advocate雜誌上看到這個時 我意識到自己不能再繼續沉默下去了 個人壓力和社會偏見的效果結合乃是致命的研究發現 在反同性戀社區中生活的同性戀者 出現心臟病 暴力 自殺的比例會更高 我意識到 自己之前以為只是個人事件的 其實具有漣漪效應 它們進入工作場合 影響到社區生活就像每一個與我類似的故事那樣 我隱藏真實自己的這一選擇 也許無意間也助長了那些同樣的 帶有歧視的環境和氛圍 我曾一直告訴自己說 我沒有理由分享我是同性戀的事實沉默的社會效應 這個想法直到今年才閃入我的腦中 當時 我錯過了一個在家鄉堪薩斯州 改善歧視氛圍的機會 二月份 堪薩斯州眾議院提出一項法案待表決 原則上允許企業以宗教自由為名拒絕對同性戀者提供服務 我之前的一位同事兼朋友的父親 在眾議院工作 他對這項法案投贊成票 支持這個允許企業拒絕對我提供服務的方案 我的朋友對男、女同性戀、雙性者、變性者對這些奇怪的、被質疑的人如何想呢？ 她的父親又如何覺得呢？ 我不知道 因為我從來沒有 向他們坦白我是同性戀的事實 而這一點動搖了我的內心 如果我許多年前告訴她會怎麼樣呢她會告訴她父親我的經歷麼？ 我可以最終使得他改變態度麼？ 我不會知道了 而這件事讓我意識到 自己沒有為改變做任何努力 多諷刺啊，我從事人力資源的工作 一個歡迎、聯合併鼓勵員工發展的職業 一個提倡在工作場合 響應社會多元化的職業 但是我沒有做任何事情去倡導這種多元化 一年前當我走進這家公司的時候 我心裡暗想 這家公司有反歧視的政策用來保護同性戀者 雙性戀者和變性者 他們對多元文化的承諾已經在 全球的兼容並包性計劃中得以應證 當我走進這家公司大門 我終於可以出櫃了 但我沒有 我沒有利用這個機會什麼都沒有做 (掌聲) 當我回味十六年前在倫敦那學期的 倫敦雜誌和剪貼簿的時候偶然發現了一句來自託妮 莫裡森的著作「樂園」中的引用 大概是說 「源自我們內心的恐懼遠比來自外界的多" 我在最下面為自己寫下了這樣的話「銘記」 我確信當時我是在鼓勵自己走出去 探索倫敦 但我錯過的是開始探尋和擁抱自己的需求 直到這麼多年後我才明白 我需要克服的最大障礙 永遠是自身的恐懼和不安我相信通過正視自己內心的恐懼 我將能夠改變外界的現狀 今天 我做了選擇 揭示隱藏了許久的那部分自己 我希望這意味著 我再也不會隱藏 我希望通過今天的出櫃 我可以為改變那個數字（12年）做一些事情 幫助那些感覺到不同的人 在他們的工作和生活中 做得更像他們自己 更為滿足 謝謝 (掌聲）