OK, so today I want to talk about how we talk about love.And specifically, I want to talk about what’s wrong with how we talk about love. Most of us will probably fall in love a few timesover the course of our lives, and in the English language, this metaphor, falling, is really the main way that we talk about that experience.
今天， 我想討論一下我們談論愛情的方法。說得更明確一些，就是討論一下我們談論愛情時犯的錯誤。我們大多數人在一生中會不止一次墜入愛河，而在語言中，我們使用「墜入」一詞，很大程度上也形容了戀愛的體驗。
I don’t know about you, but when I conceptualize this metaphor, what I picture is straight out of a cartoon -- like there’s a man, he’s walking down the sidewalk, without realizing it, he crosses over an open manhole, and he just plummets into the sewer below. And I picture it this way because falling is not jumping.
我不知道你們怎麼想的，但我腦海中所浮現的畫面完全和卡通片一樣：有一個人，他走在人行道上，不經意間走過一個井口，然後「撲通」一聲跌進了下水道。我這樣想像是因為「墜入」與「跳入」不同。
Falling is accidental, it’s uncontrollable. It’s something that happens to us without our consent. And this -- I am a writer and I’m also an English teacher,which means I think about words for a living.
「墜入」是意外的，是不可控制的。它的發生是未經自己允許的。而這就是我們討論一段新戀情時的描述方式。我是作家也是英語老師，這意味著我靠咬文嚼字為生。
You could say that I get paid to argue that the language we use matters, and I would like to argue that many of the metaphors we use to talk about love --maybe even most of them --are a problem. So, in love, we fall. We’re struck. We are crushed. We swoon. We burn with passion.
你可以說我的工作就是告訴別人日常用語是很要緊的，而我想指出的是，有很多用來形容愛情的比喻，甚至可能是大多數，都是有問題的。所以說， 我們會「墜入」愛河。愛情突如其來。我們不能自拔。我們痴狂迷醉。我們被熱情灼燒。
Love makes us crazy,and it makes us sick.Our hearts ache, and then they break. So our metaphors equate the experience of loving someone to extreme violence or illness. They do. And they position us as the victims of unforeseen and totally unavoidable circumstances.
愛情使人癲狂，也使我們患病。我們的心在滴血，然後支離破碎。所以說，這種比喻將戀愛經歷等同於極暴力和病態。事實真是如此。而這些比喻把我們定位成某種未知、不可避免的事件的受害者。
My favorite one of these is "smitten," which is the past participle of the word "smite." And if you look this word up in the dictionary -- you will see that it can be defined as both "grievous affliction," and, "to be very much in love." I tend to associate the word "smite" with a very particular context, which is the Old Testament.
其中我最喜歡的單詞 「smitten」，是「smite」的過去分詞。如果在詞典裡查詢這個單詞……你會發現它既可譯為「慘痛的折磨」，又可以譯為「被迷得神魂顛倒」。這個單詞常使我聯想到一段特殊文字，那就是《聖經·舊約》。
In the Book of Exodus alone, there are 16 references to smiting, which is the word that the Bible uses for the vengeance of an angry God. Here we are using the same word to talk about love that we use to explain a plague of locusts. Right? So, how did this happen? How have we come to associate love with great pain and suffering?
僅在《出埃及記》中，就16次提及這個單詞，它被《聖經》用來形容一位憤怒的神的復仇。而如今這個用來形容愛情的詞，原本是拿來形容蝗災的。對吧？所以為什麼會這樣？我們怎麼會將愛情和傷痛與苦難混為一談？
And why do we talk about this ostensibly good experienceas if we are victims? These are difficult questions, but I have some theories. And to think this through, I want to focus on one metaphor in particular, which is the idea of love as madness. When I first started researching romantic love, I found these madness metaphors everywhere.
還有我們為何會討論這種美好假象，好像自己是受害者？這些問題很難回答，但我有一些理論。若想解釋清楚，我想著重談談這樣一個比喻，那就是將愛情喻為瘋狂。一開始研究浪漫愛情的時候，我發現這種比喻無處不在。
The history of Western cultureis full of language that equates love to mental illness. These are just a few examples. William Shakespeare:Love is merely a madness, from "As You Like It." Friedrich Nietzsche: There is always some madness in love. Got me looking, got me looking so crazy in love -- from the great philosopher, Beyoncé Knowles.
西方歷史文化中，有許多文字將愛情比喻為精神疾病。以下是幾個例子。威廉·莎士比亞說過：「愛情不過是一種瘋狂。」出自《皆大歡喜》。哲學家尼採說過：「愛情中總是有些瘋狂的。」還有「你的愛，你的愛讓我如此痴狂……」上句出自偉大的「哲學家」，碧昂斯·諾裡斯。
I fell in love for the first time when I was 20, and it was a pretty turbulent relationship right from the start. And it was long distance for the first couple of years, so for me that meant very high highs and very low lows. I can remember one moment in particular. I was sitting on a bed in a hostel in South America, and I was watching the person I love walk out the door.
我在二十歲的時候經歷了初戀，那是一段自始至終都非常凌亂的戀情。剛開始幾年還是長途異地戀，所以對我來說意味著很高的高潮和很低的低谷。我還記得一個特別的瞬間。當時我在南美，坐在一間旅社的床上，看著我愛著的人衝出門外。
And it was late, it was nearly midnight, we』d gotten into an argument over dinner, and when we got back to our room, he threw his things in the bag and stormed out. While I can no longer remember what that argument was about, I very clearly remember how I felt watching him leave.
當時很晚了，將近午夜，我們在晚飯時發生了爭吵，當我們回到房間後，他把東西扔到包裡，徑直衝出了房間。我已不記得當時爭吵的目的，但我清楚記得我看著他離開時的感受。
I was 22, it was my first time in the developing world, and I was totally alone. I had another week until my flight home, and I knew the name of the town that I was in, and the name of the city that I needed to get to to fly out, but I had no idea how to get around. I had no guidebook and very little money, and I spoke no Spanish.
我當時22歲，第一次來到發展中國家，而且我孤身一人。距離我回家還有一周，我記得我所在的那個小鎮的名字，也記得我要飛離南美的出發地城市的名字，但我並不知道怎麼走。我沒有嚮導書也沒有多少錢，而且我不會講西班牙語。
Someone more adventurous than memight have seen this as a moment of opportunity, but I just froze. I just sat there. And then I burst into tears. But despite my panic,some small voice in my head thought, Wow. That was dramatic. I must really be doing this love thing right.
比我更有冒險精神的人，可能會把這視為一次很好的鍛鍊經歷，但我卻不知所措。我就坐在那兒。然後嚎啕大哭。但在慌亂中，我腦海中的一個聲音告訴我：「天啊，這很戲劇化哦。我一定是把愛情表現的淋漓盡致了。」
Because some part of me wanted to feel miserable in love. And it sounds so strange to me now, but at 22, I longed to have dramatic experiences, and in that moment, I was irrational and furious and devastated, and weirdly enough, I thought that this somehow legitimized the feelings I had for the guy who had just left me.
因為我內心深處是渴望在愛情中受傷的。這對於現在的我說很奇怪，但對於22歲的我，我渴望一次戲劇性的經歷，那個瞬間我很不理性、很氣憤、很絕望，而更奇怪的是，我認為某種程度上，它證明了我對離我而去那個人的愛。
I think on some level I wanted to feel a little bit crazy, because I thought that that was how loved worked. This really should not be surprising, considering that according to Wikipedia, there are eight films, 14 songs, two albums and one novel with the title "Crazy Love." About half an hour later,he came back to our room. We made up. We spent another mostly happy week traveling together.
可能在某些時候想瘋狂一些，因為我以為愛情就應該是這樣。其實這不應該使人驚訝，因為根據維基百科，有8部電影，14首歌，2張專輯，和一本小說都命名為《瘋狂愛情》。半小時後，他回來了。我們複合了。接下來，在旅行中我們度過了愉快的一周。
And then, when I got home, I thought, "That was so terrible and so great. This must be a real romance." I expected my first love to feel like madness, and of course, it met that expectation very well. But loving someone like that --as if my entire well-being depended on him loving me back --was not very good for meor for him. But I suspect this experience of love is not that unusual. Most of us do feel a bit mad in the early stages of romantic love.
然後我回到家，我想，「這可真是既糟糕又美好。這一定是真正的愛情吧。」我期盼著能在初戀中感受到瘋狂，顯然，這個期望被很好的滿足了。不過這樣愛著一個人，好像我的全部都取決於他回饋的愛，對自己是很不好的，對他也一樣。不過我覺得這段愛情經歷並不是非常罕見。我們大多數人在戀情的早期都會感受到些許瘋狂。
In fact, there is research to confirm that this is somewhat normal, because, neurochemically speaking, romantic love and mental illness are not that easily distinguished. This is true. This study from 1999 used blood tests to confirm that the serotonin levels of the newly in lovevery closely resembled the seroton in levels of people who had been diagnosed with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
事實上，研究表明這是正常現象，因為， 從神經學角度來說，戀情和精神疾病並沒有特別大的區別。這是真的。一個1999年的實驗通過驗血，確認了新情侶的血清素水平和另一群人的血清素水平相似，那就是強迫症患者。
Yes, and low levels of serotonin are also associated with seasonal affective disorderand depression. So there is some evidencethat love is associated with changes to our moods and our behaviors. And there are other studies to confirmthat most relationships begin this way.
沒錯，低水平的血清素與季節性情感障礙以及抑鬱症都有關聯。由此證明，心情和行為的變化與愛情是有關的。也有其他研究確認大多數感情是這樣開始的。
Researchers believe that the low levels of serotoninis correlated with obsessive thinking about the object of love, which is like this feeling that someone has set up camp in your brain. And most of us feel this way when we first fall in love. But the good news is, it doesn’t always last that long --usually from a few months to a couple of years.
研究者相信，低水平的血清素代表了對戀愛對象的強迫性回憶，就好像別人在你的腦海中安營紮寨。我們在初戀都有這樣的感受。但幸運的是，這感受不會持續很久，通常只有幾個月到一兩年。
When I got back from my trip to South America, I spent a lot of time alone in my room, checking my email, desperate to hear from the guy I loved. I decided that if my friends could not understand my grievous affliction, then I did not need their friendship. So I stopped hanging out with most of them. And it was probably the most unhappy year of my life.
當我從南美回來的時候，我在我的房間裡獨自待了很久，查看我的郵箱，非常渴望得到我愛的那個男人的消息。我決定：如果我的朋友不理解我的困境，那我也不需要這些友誼。所以我和大多數好友斷絕了聯繫，那可能是我人生中最失落的一年。
But I think I felt like it was my job to be miserable, because if I could be miserable, then I would prove how much I loved him. And if I could prove it, then we would have to end up together eventually. This is the real madness, because there is no cosmic rule that says that great suffering equals great reward, but we talk about love as if this is true.
但我感覺我必須要感受痛苦，因為通過我的痛苦，才可以證明我對他的愛。如果我可以證明，那我們終將會在一起。這才是真正的瘋狂，因為並沒有明確規定，受苦受難就一定能得到回報，但在愛情裡我們卻覺得這是對的。
Our experiences of love are both biological and cultural. Our biology tells us that love is goodby activating these reward circuits in our brain, and it tells us that love is painful when, after a fight or a breakup, that neurochemical reward is withdrawn. And in fact -- and maybe you』ve heard this --neurochemically speaking, going through a breakup is a lot like going through cocaine withdrawal, which I find reassuring.
我們的愛情體驗 既是生理上的，又是文化上的。生理通過激發我們大腦的激勵反饋，告訴我們愛情是美好的。然而在吵架或分手後，它又告訴我們愛情是痛苦的，這時候神經反饋是無效的。事實上，你可能聽說過，從神經學的角度來說，經歷分手和戒毒過程非常相似，這點我感到很舒心。
And then our culture uses language to shape and reinforce these ideas about love. In this case, we’re talking about metaphors about painand addiction and madness. It’s kind of an interesting feedback loop. Love is powerful and at times painful, and we express this in our words and stories, but then our words and stories prime usto expect love to be powerful and painful.
我們的文化利用語言來塑造與加強對於愛的觀念。現在的情況是，我們將其等同於痛苦、癖嗜和痴狂。這好像是一個有趣的反饋循環。愛情很偉大，但有時也讓我們痛苦，我們用詞句和故事來表達這點，然後這些文字又使得我們盲目期待愛情就應是偉大而痛苦的。
What’s interesting to me is that all of this happens in a culture that values lifelong monogamy. It seems like we want it both ways: we want love to feel like madness, and we want it to last an entire lifetime. That sounds terrible. To reconcile this, we need to either change our culture or change our expectations. So, imagine if we were all less passive in love.
而對我來說有趣的是，這一切都發生在一個鼓勵終生一夫一妻制的文化裡。這好像是說我們想兩者兼得：我們既想讓愛情瘋狂一些，我們又想讓它持續一生。這聽起來糟透了。要緩解這種情況，我們要不改變我們的文化，要不改變我們的期望。請各位想像一下，所有人的愛情都沒那麼被動。
If we were more assertive, more open-minded, more generousand instead of falling in love, we stepped into love. I know that this is asking a lot, but I’m not actually the first person to suggest this. In their book, "Metaphors We Live By," linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff suggest a really interesting solution to this dilemma, which is to change our metaphors.
想像我們少一些固執，心胸變得更寬廣、更開放，我們不再「墜入」愛河，我們「步入」愛河。我知道這個要求有點高，但我並不是第一個提出這點的人。在《我們賴以生存的隱喻》一書中，語言學家馬克·詹森和喬治·拉克夫提出了一個非常有趣的方法來解決這一矛盾，那就是改變我們的比喻。
They argue that metaphors really do shape the way we experience the world, and that they can even act as a guide for future actions, like self-fulfilling prophecies. Johnson and Lakoff suggest a new metaphor for love: love as a collaborative work of art. I really like this way of thinking about love.
他們認為，比喻真的可以左右我們感受世界的方式，而它們甚至可以成為我們未來行動的指引，就像是自我實現的預言。詹森和拉克夫提出了愛情的一種新比喻：愛情是一個合作完成的藝術品。我很喜歡這種看待愛情的方式。
Linguists talk about metaphors as having entailments, which is essentially a way of considering all the implications of, or ideas contained within, a given metaphor. And Johnson and Lakoff talk about everythingthat collaborating on a work of art entails: effort, compromise, patience, shared goals. These ideas align nicely with our cultural investmentin long-term romantic commitment,
語言學家運用比喻是有很多內涵的，其實就是說喻體中包含了本體的幾乎一切含義與概念。而詹森和拉克夫的比喻涉及到了合作創作藝術品的所有含義：努力、妥協、耐心、共同的目標等等。這些概念與我們在長期戀情中做出的精神投入很契合，
but they also work well for other kinds of relationships -- short-term, casual, polyamorous, non-monogamous, asexual -- because this metaphor brings much more complex ideas to the experience of loving someone. So if love is a collaborative work of art, then love is an aesthetic experience.
但它們同樣適用於其它各種戀愛關係——短期的、隨意的戀情，多角戀，非一夫一妻制，無性戀……因為這種比喻在戀愛的體驗中賦予了更多複雜的概念。所以假如愛情是合作完成的藝術品，那麼愛情就是一種美學體驗。
Love is unpredictable, love is creative, love requires communication and discipline, it is frustrating and emotionally demanding. And love involves both joy and pain. Ultimately, each experience of love is different. When I was younger, it never occurred to me that I was allowed to demand more from love, that I didn’t have to just accept whatever love offered.
愛情是無法預測的，愛情是創造性的，愛情需要溝通，需要規矩，愛情是令人沮喪的，會造成很多精神壓力。而愛情中既有快樂，也有痛苦。而最終，每次愛情經歷都是不同的。當我還年輕的時候，我從來沒想過我可以從愛情中尋求更多，或者說我不需要全盤接受愛情給我提供的感受。
When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --or, when 14-year-old Juliet cannot be with Romeo, whom she has met four days ago, she does not feel disappointed or angsty. Where is she? She wants to die. Right? And just as a refresher, at this point in the play, act three of five, Romeo is not dead. He’s alive, he’s healthy, he’s just been banished from the city.
當14歲的朱麗葉第一次見到……或者說，當14歲的朱麗葉不能和羅密歐在一起，她才認識羅密歐四天時間，她不覺得失落或痛苦。她怎麼了？她想尋死。對吧？大家回憶一下，戲劇演到這裡的時候是五幕中的第三幕，羅密歐並沒有死，他還活著，他很健康，他只是被驅逐出城了。
I understand that 16th-century Verona is unlike contemporary North America, and yet when I first read this play, also at age 14, Juliet’s suffering made sense to me. Reframing love as something I get to create with someone I admire, rather than something that just happens to mewithout my control or consent, is empowering. It’s still hard.
我明白16世紀的維羅納和當今的北美非常不同，然而當我第一次讀到這部戲劇，同樣也在14歲，我覺得能夠感受朱麗葉的痛苦。把愛情當作一個與我所愛的人共同創造的東西，而不是一個不經我控制或同意就發生在我身上的東西，這想法非常激動人心。這依然很難做到。
Love still feels totally maddening and crushing some days,and when I feel really frustrated, I have to remind myself: my job in this relationship is to talk to my partner about what I want to make together. This isn’t easy, either. But it’s just so much better than the alternative, which is that thing that feels like madness. This version of love is not about winning or losing someone’s affection.
愛情有時候還是讓我陷入瘋狂與痛苦，而當我感到特別沮喪時，我必須提醒自己：在這段關係中，我的任務是與伴侶交流，溝通我們想共同創造的東西。其實這也不容易，但它已經比另一種方式要好很多了，那就是將愛情當作瘋狂的體驗。這種愛情不是為了贏取或者失去某人的愛慕，
Instead, it requires that you trust your partnerand talk about things when trusting feels difficult, which sounds so simple, but is actually a kind of revolutionary, radical act. This is because you get to stop thinking about yourself and what you’re gaining or losing in your relationship, and you get to start thinking about what you have to offer. This version of love allows us to say things like, Hey, we’re not very good collaborators.
而是需要你相信你的伴侶，而且當遇到信任危機時冷靜交流，雖說聽起來很容易，但這實際上是挺革命性、顛覆性的。因為你可以不再糾結於自身，不再糾纏自己在愛情中的得與失，而開始思考你可以做出什麼貢獻。這種愛情讓我們可以這樣說：「嘿，我們之間的合作不是很好。
Maybe this isn’t for us. Or, "That relationship was shorter than I had planned, but it was still kind of beautiful." The beautiful thing about the collaborative work of artis that it will not paint or draw or sculpt itself. This version of love allows us to decide what it looks like.
可能這不適合我們吧。」或者說，「這段愛情比我預計的要短一些，但它還是挺美好的吧。」一個合作完成的藝術品的魅力所在，就是它不會自己描繪或塑造自己。這種愛情讓我們主動決定它的美。
Thank you.
謝謝！