Let's face it—English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant1 nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.2 English muffins3 weren't invented in England or French fries4 in France.
weetmeats5 are candies while sweetbreads,6 which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.7 But if we explore its paradox8, we find that quicksand9 can work slowly, boxing rings10 are square and a guinea pig11 is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce12 and hammers don't ham?13 If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth14 beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose,15 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends16 but not one amend, that you comb through annals17 of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends18 and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught?19 If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?20 If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?21
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbal insanity.22 In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?23 Ship24 by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?25 Park on driveways and drive on parkways?26
How can a slim chance and a fat chance27 be the same, while a wise man and wise guy28 are opposites? How can overlook and oversee29 be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few30 are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell31 one day and cold as hell another?
Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?32 Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
You have to marvel at33 the unique lunacy34 of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down,35 in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.36
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race37 at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,38 they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up39 this essay, I end it?
1. eggplant： 茄子。
2. pine：松樹; pineapple:菠蘿。
3. English muffins：英式鬆餅。
4. French fries：炸土豆條。
5. sweetmeats：果脯，蜜餞。
6. sweetbreads：雜碎。
7. 我們總愛想當然地去理解英文。
8. paradox：有明顯的矛盾特點的事物。
9. quicksand： 流沙。
10. boxing ring：拳擊臺，摔跤臺。
11. guinea pig：豚鼠，或供實驗有用的實驗品。
12. fing 和groce 是作者按write和writer之間的規律。杜撰的兩個詞。
13. ham：過火地表演，誇張做作地表演。
14. booth：貨攤，攤位，(復)booths。
15. moose：麋, 駝鹿, (復)moose。
16. amends：[復]賠罪，賠償。
17. annals：[復]編年史。
18. odds and ends：零星東西，瑣碎事。
19. preach(講道，布道)的過去式是preached,並非praught。
20. 若照此類推，humanitarian(人道主義者)應該以human(人類)為食了。
21. bote one's tongue：因write 的過去式為wrote，照此類推bite的過去式應是bote(而實際上其過去式是bit)。bite one's tongue：保持緘默。
22. 有時我想所有講英語的人都得因為語言錯亂症被關進精神病院。commit sb to: 把某人關進(精神病院或監獄);asylum/2#sai;l2m/: 精神病院。insanity：精神錯亂，精神病。
23. recite at a play and play at a recital：前一個play是名詞，指戲劇， 後一個play是動詞，指演奏。recital：獨奏會，獨唱會。英語中的許多詞既為名詞又為動詞，如：play, record, present等。
24. ship by truck：這裡的ship用作動詞，指運送。
25. 常見的搭配應該是feet that run , noses that smell, 但兩個動詞互換後，意思就不同了，這裡的 run 指流鼻涕，smell指腳臭難聞。
26.driveway：車行道;parkway:(以小客車交通為主的)風景區幹道，公園大路。
27. a slim chance = a fat chance：都指機會渺茫，而slim (苗條的)則剛好與fat(肥胖的)意思相反。
28. a wise man: 哲人，聰明人; a wise guy:自作聰明的人，自命不凡的人。
29. overlook：忽視;oversee: 監視。
30. quite a few：相當多。
31. as hell：很，非常。按字面理解是，既像hell(地獄)一樣熱，又像地獄一樣冷。到底hell是熱還是冷?
32. 你是否注意到英語中所指有些事往往不出現在字面上。作者舉例說： 「馬拉的馬車」「有吊帶的吊帶睡衣」「被稱頌的英雄"「沒白付出的愛」都屬於畫蛇添足的說法。
33. marvel at ：對……感到驚訝。
34. unique lunacy：絕無僅有的荒謬。
35. burn up：燒掉，焚毀; burn down：全部焚毀。
36. fill in與fill out都是「填寫」的意思;go off：發出鬧鈴，這裡指鬧鐘因為不停走動(go on)到點鬧鈴才會響。
37. race 指競賽。
38. stars are out指星星出現，而lights are out指燈熄滅。
39. wind up a watch：給鐘錶上緊發條;wind up an essay: 結束一篇文章。