編者按：在2018年的新年鐘聲敲響之前，Cindy 女士傳來了她在辭舊迎新之際，她對生活的思索和夢想。「只要有夢，我的生活仍然有目的和意義。」 她的原文是英文，為便於讀者閱讀，她又親自翻譯成中文。在延誤了幾個小時之後，本刊將中、英文都刊載在這裡，與我們的讀者朋友們分享。並祝大家元旦快樂！
還有幾個小時，2017年即將結束，2018年的大幕即將拉開。
微信上充滿著對未來一年的良好祝願，和對即將結束的一年的總結回顧。這熱熱鬧鬧的祝福，使我幾乎可以聽到2018年的腳步聲，就像拉威爾（Ravel）的音樂波萊羅（Bolero）裡由遠而近的鼓點。
我突然感到焦慮，好像一個項目的截止日期即將來臨，而我還根本沒有做好任何準備。
昨天約了幾個朋友在附近的星巴克喝咖啡聊天，一聊就是6個小時。我們有一段時間沒有見面了。我們談到了各自2017的生活,2017發生的事,順利的和曲折的。所有人都感慨時間都去哪兒了。
對我來說，2017年非常平常，平常到我甚至都回想不起來任何值得回味和記錄的事情。
是的，2017年裡我停留在我的舒適區。我沒有挑戰自己去做或學以前不知道的事情，也沒有冒險去打擾我精心構建的平衡。2017年對我來說平靜得像一個沒有漣漪的水池。
也許是這樣的平靜才令我焦慮不安。
多年前，一位算命先生寫下我的八字，其中兩個字是驛馬，古時候郵遞信件的馬。據說如果你的八字裡含驛馬，你註定要終生奔波，四海為家。
到目前為止，我的經歷已經驗證了這一點。從十七歲起，我就開始漂泊。確切地說，我十四歲離家住校，之後去上海讀書，在北京工作，然後越過太平洋到美國，從西海岸搬到中西部，又穿越大西洋到歐洲，住過荷蘭，之後重回美國。
家是我們搬到哪兒，家就到哪兒。沒有永久的地標。
很久前我已屈服於命運。我早就意識到，在我的基因裡，我的性格裡，我的血液裡，我不能過那種一成不變的生活。
我還記得一個場景，那時我大約9或10歲，那個畫面深深地印在我的腦海中：日落前的太陽傾斜到一個角度，正好讓所有的陽光都擠進我家朝西的廚房門，灑落在木製的面板上。那時我媽一定是在用她的擀麵杖使勁兒地擀麵，為我們做麵條準備晚飯。陽光照在她汗津津的額頭上。我每天從學校回來看到的總是同一個場景。有一天我站在廚房門口，看著她日復一日地重複著同樣的動作，突然有種深深的惆悵和悲傷：這是沒有任何值得期盼的日子，今天和昨天一樣，明天和今天一樣，過和沒過是一樣的。這種無望和無聊在一點一點地吞噬著我的心，那時候我知道我必需過一種不同的生活。
多年後，我問我媽那時她是怎麼想的，家那麼窮，生活那麼困難，是什麼支持她繼續過那種日復一日看不到希望的日子。她說，她沒有想，她只盼望我們快快長大！
當我有了自己的孩子後，我懂了我媽當時無法表達出來的感受：那是責任，是對另一個生命的責任感，它以無條件和無私的愛表現出來，它以勇於犧牲自己的能力表現出來。這是為什麼我媽在那種艱難的生活面前能像個士兵一樣不放棄，天天戰鬥，無論生活多艱難，多無聊，多無望。
我很感激我母親仍有健康的身體，感激我父母都活著看到他們的孩子都長大了，過上了比他們夢想的更好的生活。
幾年前我曾經看過一個TED的演講，主題是關於拖延症，但我只記得這個圖表：如果你活到90歲，你的一生將有4680周。我標記了自己在圖表中的位置，它更清楚地告訴我，我的大半輩子已經過去了。如果我把剩下的日子轉換成天數，我將有不到一萬四千天的時間（假設我活到90歲的話）。
看到圖表和我剩下的日子讓我感到緊張和焦慮。緊迫感來自於我不再年輕，不能隨便浪費時間；焦慮來自於我還沒真正過我夢想的生活。
唯一讓我感到欣慰的是，我仍有夢想，一個微微燃燒著的夢，但卻因環境和責任暫時無法去做。
只要有夢，我的生活仍然有目的和意義。
所以這裡是我的致2018年：
祈求身體的健康
有勇氣冒險，走出自己的舒適區
感恩我所擁有的
感恩家人和朋友
無論成功還是失敗，一定要看到積極向上的一面。
記住「我是我命運的主人，我是我的靈魂的主宰」。
Farewell 2017, Hello 2018
In a few hours, 2017 will come to an end, and the curtain of 2018 will be lift up.
WeChat is full of well wishes for the coming year, and reviews for the ending year. Through the fanfare I could almost hear the steps of 2018 approaching, like the drumbeat of Ravel’s Bolero.
I feel anxious all the sudden, as if a deadline is approaching and I am not prepared at all to turn in anything.
Yesterday a couple of friends and I spent 6 hours in a nearby StarBucks talking, yes, just chatting. We have not seen each other in a while. We talked about what happened in 2017 in each of our lives. The invariable feeling is where has all the time gone.
2017 is/was a very ordinary year for me, too ordinary to recall anything worth writing about from the not too distant past.
I lived within my comfort zone in 2017. I did not stretch myself to reach any new height and did not risk to disturb the equilibrium I carefully created. 2017 was very still for me, like a pond of water with no ripples.
Maybe it is the stillness that makes me anxious.
Many years ago, a fortune teller wrote down eight charactersfor me, two of which were Yi Ma - a running horse who carried mails and messages in old times. It is said that if you have 「Yi Ma」 in your life, you are destined to move around, destined not to be able to settle down anywhere.
So far, my life has proven that way. I have moved around a lot, ever since I was seventeen years old, actually fourteen when I left home and lived in the high school. I have lived in Shanghai, in Beijing, crossed the Pacific Ocean to US, moved from the West coast to mid-West, crossed the Atlantic Ocean to Europe, lived in the Netherlands, then back to the US.
Family is where our house is at the moment, there is no permanent landmark.
I have long succumbed to my fate. I realized long time ago it was in my gene, in my character, in my being that I could not live life in the sameness each day.
I still remember a scene, that image seared in my mind when I was about 9 or 10 years old: the late afternoon sun slanted at an angle just right to allow for all the sunshine to squeeze into our west-facing kitchen door and flooded onto the wood counter-top, where my mom would be using her rolling pin and press hard on the dough over and over to make noodles (dinner) for us. I came back from school each day to the same scene. Standing by the kitchen door, and watching her repeating the same activity over and over, day after day, I remember distinctly until today the profound sadness I felt one day: there was nothing to look forward to, today was the same as yesterday, and tomorrow would be the same as today. The boredom of the sameness was eating me up inside, and I knew then I needed to live my life differently.
Many years later I asked my mom what she was feeling or thinking all those years when we were young, the family was destitute and life was difficult, what was supporting her to go on and live the life of sameness each day. She said she wasn’t thinking, she just wanted us to grow up quickly.
When I had my own kids, I understood what my mom was feeling but unable to articulate at the time: it was the responsibility, the responsibility for another life revealed itself in the form of unconditional,selfless love, and the capacity to sacrifice. That was why my mom soldiered on each day no matter how difficult life was, no matter the sameness each day and the inability to see hope.
I am grateful that my mom is healthy, grateful that my parents have lived to see their kids all grown up, and lived a better life than they ever dreamed of.
There was a TED talk I watched a few years ago, the topic was about procrastination, but I only remember the chart: if you live to age 90, you will have 4,680 weeks in total to live in your life. I plotted where I am in the chart and visualized that I have lived more than I am going to live at this point. If I convert the remaining weeks to days, I will have less than 14,000 days to live (that’s assuming I live to the age 90).
Seeing the chart and the number of days I have left to live gives me a sense of urgency as well as anxiety. Urgency comes from the realization I am not young and I can’t afford to waste any more time; anxiety is from the fact that I have not lived the life I dreamed to live yet.
The only consolation is that I still have a dream, a shimmering desire to do what I want to do, but unable (either due to circumstances or responsibilities) to do in the past.
I still have a goal to reach for. My life still has purpose and meaning.
So here is to 2018:
Pray for good health
Have the courage to take risk and step out of my comfort zone
Be thankful for what I have
Be grateful to my family and friends
See the positive side of everything, in triumphs as well as in failures.
Remember 「I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of mysoul」.
（本文圖片全部來自網絡）
推薦 Cindy 的文章：
【1】開學了，Wellesley 媽媽給女兒的一封信 (中英文)
【2】穿行於東西文化之間
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