職業發展和生活方式一直是雅思大作文的重點話題。
Some people think young people should be free to choose their jobs, but other people think they should be realistic and think more about their future. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
有人說年輕人有選擇任何職業的自由，但有人認為他們在求職時應該更現實些、多考慮自己的將來。你贊同哪一種觀點？
雅思大作文批改範例 6分
01首段
Nowadays, there is a debate among people about whether the youth should choose their careers freely or be cautious and realistic about their jobs. This passage will discuss both of views and give my own opinion.
02主體段一
On the one hand, someone suggest that young people should try different jobs rather than find a specific job instantly in order to find areas suitable to them, because doing an unsuitable occupation would pose negative influence on（注意此處介詞是on） people’s mental and physical health.
Furthermore, as the development of society, a number of new occupations in different fields have been created, which（非限定性定語從句常用which引導，不要用that）means that more and more young people could devote themselves to new fields without related knowledges.
（為什麼隨著新工作越來越多，人們可以在沒有相關知識的情況下投身新的領域，這個沒有解釋清楚，因此邏輯上有點牽強，此外建議最後應該回歸到論點上來得出人們可以自由選擇職業，這樣更加扣題，可以改為Choosing a profession of one’s preference makes work very interesting and also provides satisfaction. Making one’s own choice also gives a sense of ownership and responsibility. Individuals are more likely to strive to achieve excellence in a profession they like. ）
03主體段二
On the other hand, other people support that young people should be realistic and think twice before they involve in jobs. Because amount of pressures, like house-loan, car-loan, are put on the youth in modern world, as the result they cannot make rash decisions but measure every potential consequence behind their choices and decisions.
It is obvious that people who find a decent and satisfied job early can take advantage of the career advancement, medical treatment and children education since they gain experience and make money early.
（take advantage of意為利用，這句話作者想表達找到體面工作的人可以利用職業發展、醫療和兒童教育，因為他們在早期獲得了經驗並賺了錢，不明白作者想表達什麼意思，早期的經驗和論點中的realistic關係不夠直接，因為就算不realistic也能積累工作經驗。建議it後面的句子和換為：
Almost everybody has a dream job in his youth age, but there may be a huge gap between the knowledge one has in one field and the skills or knowledge a job requires.
Some young people spare no efforts to strive for a job beyond their real ability, which is no more than a waste of time. But getting a more realistic job may in stead accelerate their success and help them achieve a better future.
這樣的論證更合理一些。）
04結尾
In my opinion, it seems reasonable for young people to choose their jobs freely as they can, undergraduates in particular, have easier access to diversified courses rather than specialties at universities.
For instance, the related courses in fields of AI, data analysis and self-driving are hardly set at universities yet, so many well-done participants who do（注意主謂一致，主語為複數） not have related experience or degrees are attracted by those fields.
However, young people should specialize in particular areas after they choose their own areas, so that they could make devotions in daily life but not（可替換為rather than） waste their lifetime by transferring jobs constantly.
· 寫作任務回應：
文章基本上回應了寫作任務，論述了年輕人是應該自由選擇職業還是應該根據現實情況和未來發展來選擇，思路比較清晰，但是論證的深度和扣題度還可以再提高一些。
· 連貫與銜接：
文章的連貫性與銜接性一般，可以多使用一些標誌性的銜接詞，比如在表示後一句是前一句的結果可以用as a result/therefore等等這樣的連接詞，讓條理更加清晰，舉多個觀點的時候可以用in addition/apart from that等等詞組告訴別人接下來要說的是另一個方面了，同時內容上，與論點關係不大的內容筆墨可以花少一點，提高語言的簡練度，扣題要直接，最後問題的回歸點要為論點服務。
· 詞彙與語法：
文章出現了一些語法和詞彙錯誤，比如主謂不一致，固定搭配使用不當等等，個別單詞拼寫錯誤以及句子成分不完整。
· 提升建議：
作者可以適當地舉一些例子或者增加對比的手法來增加文章的論證深度，同時論證的時候要注意點題，此外減少一些簡單的語法錯誤，提高準確度。