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點擊可看/2016「外研社杯」全國英語寫作大賽決賽記敘文/議論文賽題及作品展示
點擊可看/2015「外研社杯」全國英語寫作大賽賽題及冠/亞/季軍議論文展示
點擊可看/2015「外研社杯」全國英語寫作大賽賽題及冠/亞/季軍記敘文展示
2019「外研社·國才杯」全國英語寫作大賽決賽記敘文/議論文賽題及作品展示
本期，小U攜2019「外研社·國才杯」寫作決賽亞軍的議論文作品與大家共賞，全面呈現選手破題角度、寫作亮點，並力邀資深導師解讀點評。讓我們一起感受高分作文的精妙之處！
真題分享
選手破題思路
謝文娟 電子科技大學（指導教師：俞博）
2019「外研社·國才杯」全國英語寫作大賽亞軍
要寫好議論文，首先要進行審題、立意。本題給出作者對人類幹預自然選擇看法的段落，認為人類對自然選擇造成的負面影響主要體現在三個方面：第一，疫苗的發明阻礙了人類本身的自然選擇，無法形成自身的抗體；第二，交通的發展實現了跨國通婚，使得全球各地的基因自由傳播，阻礙了人類基因的自然選擇；第三，辦公自動化及人工智慧的應用導致了人類的退化，自然選擇不再適用。
題幹要求回答是否同意作者的觀點並闡釋理由，行文時需表明作者的觀點是如何影響和啟發自己觀點的。
審題完畢後，我首先表態不同意作者的觀點，人類幹預帶來的並不只是消極的影響，而是利大於弊。我瞬間想到「塞翁失馬，焉知非福」，其英文翻譯可簡化為「a blessing in disguise」，將此用於本篇議論文的題目，全文也以此為中心展開論述。於第一段描述現狀，段末表明觀點。第二、三、四段分別對作者的三點論述進行批判性分析與駁斥，採用總-分-總的結構，每段以態度明確的主題句作為開頭總述，隨後用相關依據和論點支撐該主題句，點明論據的合理性，並進行簡要的扣題。最後一段採用問句總結全文，進行點題，重申立場，關照論點，強化觀點的合理性。
很多同學在撰寫議論文時習慣套用模板，認為能體現寫作水平，但難免會減損作文的新意。所以在撰寫本文時，我避免套用一般的模板句型，採取更為靈活的寫法：用詞注意準確，讓詞彙為觀點表達服務；描述觀點時力求明確，主題句表述清晰，輔以適當的修辭進行渲染，這樣一篇合格的議論文也就基本成型了。
作品欣賞
Human Intervention: A Blessing in Disguise
The modernization of life has witnessed profound changes triggered by human intervention, and currently, the natural pattern featuring the survival of the fittest seems to be no longer effective or influential. A relatively wide range of evidence has demonstrated that the evolutionary process of human beings is in abeyance. As a consequence, human intervention has been denounced as an anathema to some individuals. From my stance, nevertheless, plausible as the fact might be, human intervention is by no means definitely lamentable.
There is no denying that human intervention has exerted remarkable impact on human life as well as the biological evolution of human species. On the basis of scientific achievements, the field of healthcare and hygiene has been blessed with laudable progress. Cutting-edge technologies have developed effective vaccines and antibiotics for the general public, but such a pleasant fact shall never be tantamount to the dysfunction of natural selection. Adaptability of human beings is still in action, although it is now working in a different manner. It is universally acknowledged that bacteria may evolve and proliferate prevalently and rapidly. Consequently, it has become pivotal for vaccines and antibiotics to be developed and upgraded on a constant basis so as to provide the general public with the safeguard against the detrimental impact of virus and the reassurance on a healthy life. Human beings, on their side, have to adapt to the medical effect exerted by the vaccines and antibiotics they have received so as to assimilate the dose into a part of their own physical pattern. Such adaptation and assimilation can also be claimed as one of the manners of natural selection.
Technological advances have facilitated transportation to a remarkable extent and offered an increasing number of opportunities for transnational marriage, which means the genes of human beings could be shared on the global scale. Strolling in the streets, children with parents from different nations are easily found. Such a phenomenon testifies to the fact that the prevalent global transportation has taken effect on evolutionary change. But, can it culminate in the halt of the evolutionary change? Certainly not! The chances for adaptability is by no means reduced due to such an ostensible perspective. Genes can be shared free from the limitations of the boundary, but natural selection has seen no end. The posterity of transnational couples may still evolve in accordance with the constantly changing surroundings. Natural selection is in action when some of their features and idiosyncrasies are changed by resorting to proper adaptations to the environment, for instance, the adaptations displayed in their appearance, lifestyle, and intellectual progress. Not only may such easy access to the sharing of genes give rise to improvements in the comprehensive capacity for their offspring, but also it is able to shape greater achievements in a wide range of respects. Indeed, such a phenomenon is conducive to the process of natural selection of human species as a blessing in disguise rather a curse that should be put to an end.
Industrial transformation and the development of artificial intelligence have engendered the automatic operations in factories and offices, human beings are now saddled with fewer manual labor tasks, nevertheless, it is untenable to draw the conclusion that the work of human beings could be literally taken over by such appliance. As is known to all that human operations and monitoring are indispensable for the functions of machines in case of accidental break downs or certain complicated instructions. Furthermore, machines are all researched and developed by humans, so that the ways for the optimization of apparatus should also be done by them. Additionally, individuals have to make proper adjustment to some extent so as to adapt to the functioning ways the equipment. Such adaptability that takes place in the human brains can also serve as an illustration for the natural selection of human species. Consequently, the advances in artificial intelligence and its relevant applications have never impeded the natural selection of human species, rather, they have merely alleviated the burdens shouldered by human beings, so that individuals shall be in a position to adopt greater adaptability to their daily tasks with conspicuous improvements in working efficiency.
Has human intervention really obstructed the evolutionary progress of natural selection? Or rather, it is just a blessing in disguise? I could not agree more with the latter. Under no circumstances could advances in the field of healthcare, transportation and intelligent devices hinder the process of the adaptability to natural selection, instead, such advances serve as trailblazers for new methods of greater adaptability to the constantly changing situation worldwide. Human intervention has facilitate the life of individuals and is in a position to offer marvelous opportunities for more suitable ways of mundane survival as long as the intervention is explored in appropriate ways.
（為真實展示選手賽場上的寫作風貌，文章為從iTEST 大學外語測試與訓練系統中摘出的原生作品，僅供學習分享使用。）
嘉賓點評
方雲軍 四川大學
2019「外研社·國才杯」全國英語寫作大賽冠軍指導教師
2018「外研社·國才杯」全國英語寫作大賽季軍指導教師
這篇文章整體論點鮮明，行文流暢，論證過程邏輯思路清晰，結構層次分明，讓人印象深刻，不失為一篇優秀作文。
從內容和結構看，全文結構緊湊，論證充分。作者在首段提及材料中的對立觀點「A relatively wide range of evidence has demonstrated that the evolutionary process of human beings is in abeyance」，並明確表態「human intervention is by no means definitely lamentable」。在第二、三、四段，作者從三個方面進行細緻回應，提出看法並加以佐證。第二段，作者認為自然選擇並未因疫苗與抗生素的出現而停止，因為人類適應這些不斷更新的醫療手段本就是一種自然選擇。第三段中，作者提出自然選擇不會由於基因交換受太大影響，基因交換反而會促進自然選擇。第四段，作者堅信人工智慧與機械不會完全替代人類，更不會消除人類的自然選擇，在有些方面人類是不可替代的，且人類在適應與機器共存的生活時，自然選擇會繼續進行。最後一段段首用兩個問句重申主題，並得出有力結論「such advances serve as trailblazers for new methods of greater adaptability to the constantly changing situation worldwide」。
從邏輯看，作者正確地分析了題乾材料的論證邏輯，歸納出三方面，並在文章中分三段回應，結構清晰，邏輯清楚。整篇文章，作者善於使用各種指示詞以及連接詞，比如consequently, additionally…，體現出遞進關係，加強了文章的邏輯性。
在詞彙和表達方面，語言積累充足，優秀的語言有助於其主旨的表達，比如文章標題「Human Intervention: A Blessing in Disguise」，很貼切地表達了作者的觀點，即human intervention看似有危害，但最終是有益處的。全文語言流暢，用詞豐富，富有文採。
文章也有一些不足之處：
1. 結構方面：題目所給材料提及了對自然選擇法則產生破壞的三個方面，即現代醫療、基因交換以及人工智慧，作者對這三個方面一一駁斥展開論述，最後一段的結論也證明了這一點：「Under no circumstances could advances in the field of healthcare, transportation and intelligent devices hinder the process of the adaptability to natural selection, instead, such advances serve as trailblazers for new methods of greater adaptability to the constantly changing situation worldwide. 」但文章第一段只泛泛提及「A relatively wide range of evidence has demonstrated that the evolutionary process of human beings is in abeyance.」後面的一一回應就顯得憑空而出，所以第一段立論時可適當歸納概括一下材料所列出的三個方面，這樣能讓讀者更好地理解為什麼，第二、三、四段要從這三個角度進行論述，作者最後的結論也會更加有力。
2. 邏輯方面：第三段相比其他兩段，論述邏輯略顯含糊。作者在闡述對立觀點，即基因交換影響了自然選擇時，沒有解釋清楚為什麼基因交換會影響自然選擇。（比如說，因為基因交換導致了基因多樣性的降低，從而導致了人類之間基因與性狀差距變小。而自然選擇的一個重要條件是性狀的不同，所以基因交換弱化了性狀的不同性，從而破壞了自然選擇）。作者只提及基因交換會帶來「more comprehensive capacity」 以及「greater achievements」，而這兩點又是「conducive to the process of natural selection of human species」，總體感覺不夠深入透徹，說服力不夠。
3. 語言方面：有些複雜或高級詞彙的使用顯得生硬，個別長句可稍加精簡。
選手破題思路
嶽珏嘉 東南大學（指導教師：朱麗田）
2019「外研社·國才杯」全國英語寫作大賽季軍
讀畢題目，我理解材料中的觀點為：從自然選擇的角度出發，人工幹預對人類進化造成了破壞，因此應反對人工幹預。但材料所謂「人工幹預」恰恰是人類文明的體現。人類文明的進步，使人類可依靠科技和文明手段區別於動植物，以人類獨有的方式「進化」。有了這樣的思路後，我定下了本篇題目及論述重點。
行文過程中，於開篇表態，針對題目中的擔憂，提出自己的反方立場，即所謂「人工幹預」實則是人類 文明，不應因文明先進輝煌而遭受譴責和抵制。後續段落分別通過舉例論述觀點，回應材料中提到醫療進步、基因技術和人工智慧這三個角度，明確這些看似「幹預」人類進化的方面，正是人類進化的體現。通過一步步歸謬，我對材料觀點進行反駁，增強論述的說服力。最後一段總結全文，呼應標題，重申人類文明比人工幹預更值得思量。
其實，我選擇這樣的立意，是有些劍走偏鋒的，但支撐我堅持成文的是希望能夠以己之力提醒有technophobia（技術恐懼）的人們，在科技飛速發展的今天，毋須談科技色變，更不要鼓吹停止發展的論調。文明和發展本無罪，發展問題要依靠發展去解決，恐慌和抵制並不能解決問題，更可能帶來文明的倒退。
作品欣賞
Human Civilization Outshines Human Intervention
Recent years have witnessed the heated discussion concerning the potentially dire consequences entailed by the unprecedentedly fast development of human society. Some people fear that the uncontrolled advancement of science and technology will bring about adverse ramifications which would eventually take a deadly toll on human beings itself. According to them, "the doomsday clock is on the verge of striking" if we do not endeavor to stop human intervention before it is too late. However, my view on this issue is different. The so-called "human intervention" is, if we view it from another perspective, actually "human civilization", which is not supposed to be to blame for its grandeur and sophistication.
In the first place, the fast-growing medical technology have been making great contributions to human evolving. Thanks to the progress made in medical cares and hospital facilities, human beings are able to live longer and survive harsh circumstances under which our predecessors are vulnerable to disease and death, such as the dessert zones or icy Antarctic areas. Also, human beings have been developing special treatments to combat what was formerly seen as incurable cancers, such as malaria, AIDS, and Ebola, managing to save lives and increase people's sense of security and happiness. All the uplifting results is evidenced in the global life expectancy surging from about 40 years old in the 20th century - the number of which was much dismal in under-developed countries - to over 65 nowadays. Therefore, instead of claiming such human interventions prevent us from adapting to infectious disease through natural selection, we ought to come to the realization that humans are evolving in a more effective and efficient way, that is, through technological advancement.
Secondly, the highly developed genetic knowledge is increasing biodiversity instead of destroying it. Since human beings became curious about how life forms and how myriads of organs and systems function in human bodies, the world has seen the burgeoning of biotechnology and genetic research. Through all the amazing findings by scientists and researchers, human beings not only have a better grasp of the secrets of life, but also propose new ways to enrich life forms. Because of cloning, we are able to "duplicate" endangered animals which would have been extinct otherwise. Because of genetic advancement, we are able to produce hybrid corns and vegetables, which have been pulling millions of people out of the risk of starving to death. Because of genes transplanting, we are able to create creatures we never see and also many other intriguing possibilities. Evolutionary change is not necessarily achieved by longitude natural selection, but also can be accelerated by modern genetic engineering.
Thirdly, the wider currency of artificial intelligence adds rather than distracts. Increasing automation and diminished human contact is the reality of today: a world where dexterous robots replace endless rows of Chinese workers and the trading floor specialists on New York Stock Exchange are ready to hand over the keys to Wall Street's version of SkyNET. That traditional teachers in classrooms give way to their counterparts on YouTube, under the auspices of the leaders of digital economy, is inevitable. Maybe that is necessary. But that is not the reason we should stop it - at least it's cheap and convenient. A case in point is the MOOCs, or Massive Online Open courses. It is essentially online classrooms, and are easily accessible to courses designed by professors from prestigious universities, such as Yale, Caltech and Duke. Even though MOOCs may in a large extent replace traditional teachers, it offers platforms and opportunities for those who fail to be accepted to selective colleges or those who cannot afford expensive high-quality education. It is therefore concluded that machines and modern technologies can be a blessing in disguise.
It may be argued that, no matter how we whitewash advances of modern age, human practice has been definitely intervening the laws of nature. It's true that humans aren't always comply with how nature works, but the interplay between human and nature can also be seen as human's utilization and transformation of nature by using their endless creativity and ingenious mind. More importantly, there's no point denying the advancing of human society. If the case is exactly what the author of the given paragraphs expects, all human intervention should be eliminated, and the best way for humans not to "intervene" is stopping developing, halting making progress and reducing back to barbarous creatures like any other beings then thousands of millions years ago. Needless to say, it is ridiculous and unrealistic.
In a nutshell, human civilization, another interpretation of "human intervention", should not be stopped or discouraged. The effects of human intervention in biological evolution of the human species pales in comparison with the profound significance that human civilization have on human species in terms of modern advanced technologies. The claim "Humans have stopped evolving" is, in my standpoint, "Humans have been evolving, but in a unique human way". And this is, in essence, how humans evolve far smarter and far more sophisticated than any other living beings.
（為真實展示選手賽場上的寫作風貌，文章為從iTEST 大學外語測試與訓練系統中摘出的原生作品，僅供學習分享使用。）
名師點評
John Olbrich
任教於清華大學
2019「外研社·國才杯」全國英語寫作大賽評委
The judges were asked to evaluate the essays in the writing competition according to three criteria: content/ideas,organisation/development,and language. I shall follow this format.
Content was excellent, very well-argued and thought-through. The writer’s range of knowledge of current social issues was impressive, covering genetics, cloning, AI, disease, MOOCs and the New York stock market. She/he argued persuasively for the continuing evolution of humanity through advances in medicine, AI and technology rather than along Sir David Attenborough’s more simplistic view of evolution as a Darwinian survival of the fittest.
Organisation and development were also outstanding. The writer followed a logical progression, numbering her/his points and with clear and ordered writing. Sentence structure was good, and her/his ideas were presented with clarity and intelligence. The argument had an introduction, definite paragraphs with separate points and a clear conclusion, and the argument was easy to follow yet with intricate knowledge.
Language was where the writer fell down. Although complex vocabulary was used widely and for the part correctly, this piece is not immune from simple grammatical mistakes – in particular
singular/plural 單數/複數; please remember that a singular noun must take a verb also in the singular, and vice versa. For example: technology (singular)/have (plural); cancers/was; uplifting results/is; it/classrooms; effects/ pales; civilization/have.
「Dessert」 is what follows the main course at a western meal; presumably the writer meant to say 「desert」.
Please try not to use clichés such as 「in a nutshell」 (used by the writer), 「it is a truth universally acknowledged」, or 「every coin has two sides」. These expressions are fine, but if every student uses them then they lose their effectiveness.
In general, try not to use elaborate or complex vocabulary unless you are certain that you know what these words mean. This writer did use vocabulary correctly, but many students did not.
In general, this was an outstanding piece of argument, clear and logical and using a wide range of ideas and concepts.
上周讀過寫作大賽高分議論文之後，是否感到意猶未盡，餘韻悠長。
本次將為大家帶來2019「外研社·國才杯」全國英語寫作大賽決賽冠軍的記敘文佳作，一起感受選手筆下的動人故事，聆聽專家的細緻點評！
真題分享
Write a story based on the poem A Traveller's Song by Meng Jiao, a Chinese poet of the Tang Dynasty. You can choose to write a true story or an imaginary one. You should provide your own title and write between 600 and 800 words.
遊子吟
孟郊
慈母手中線，
遊子身上衣。
臨行密密縫，
意恐遲遲歸。
誰言寸草心，
報得三春暉。
A Traveller's Song
By Meng Jiao
Translated by Liu Jianxun
The thread in the hands of a fond-hearted mother
Makes clothes for the body of her wayward boy;
Carefully she sews and thoroughly she mends,
Dreading the delays that will keep him late from home.
But how much love has the inch-long grass
For three spring months of the light of the sun?
選手破題思路
許泓一 四川大學（指導教師：方雲軍）
2019「外研社·國才杯」全國英語寫作大賽冠軍
通過審題，我認為這次記敘文的創作主題明確指向親情。這種主題的故事寫起來格外容易流於俗套和矯作，因而，如何把一個司空見慣的主題寫得兼具新意和真情便成為了我構思的重點。出於描寫深摯情感的需要，我決定採用書信體進行寫作，並通過化用茨威格的Letter from an Unknown Woman確定了我的標題。我同樣用生死的問題來解釋「unknown」一詞，但比起茨威格小說中絕望的感情，我認為《遊子吟》傳遞的恰恰相反，是充滿希望的感激，由此明確了故事的整體走向。
在行文過程中，我特別注意保持記敘文的故事性，避免其成為純粹的抒情文段。圍繞著「我」對母親在我成長過程中缺席這一認識的加深展開故事，並將母親為「我」而死留作懸念，在對這一懸念的揭示中把故事推向高潮。
在寫作中，我又反覆閱讀《遊子吟》：遊子為什麼要離開？為什麼可能「遲遲歸」？基於這些疑問，嘗試把整首詩理解為一個隱喻，並將這種暗示融進文中，希望通過「失去母親的遊子」這一意象引發讀者的聯想——關於成長中的漂泊、兩代間的矛盾、向死而活的生命。
重讀全文，我發現自己的語言還有不少缺陷，觀點也不夠成熟，但我仍然希望這個故事能帶給讀者一些感動與思考。
作品欣賞
A Letter from an Unknown Child
Dear Mom,
I have encountered the poem A Traveler's Song again in my class in the strange land where I feel lonely, and I cannot help writing something for you, Mom, even though we have been separated since long and I have to travel so much that I never actually speak to you. Now I'm writing to you to tell my story about your absence.
True, life was hard without you. When I travelled in this world at the age of ten, I was always bullied by others who enjoyed the jocund company of their mothers. They laughed at me, teasing me as a "pathetic pity", as some primitive creature with no family teaching. I tried to fight back, wrestling with the boys and pulling other girls' hair, which augmented the hatred between us. Other less malicious children would shun from my presence. Things became more tricky when I entered puberty, as a growing girl lacking common sense. I was too timid to ask Dad about the changes in my body, to whose answer I had to secretly search on the Internet for. How unfair! I'm nothing less than the others. The point is just that I travel away from you while others stay with your counterparts.
I did hate you, sometimes, but always I did not. I asked Dad where you stayed, and he answered, with a hushed sob that you were travelling all around the world. That was when I burnt your photos furiously and then buried the ashes in the ground, for I thought you were such an irresponsible mother to travel all the way with no caring for your own child. Yet I came to understand, gradually, that it was my dad and I who travelled constantly and even willingly, that you were always there, waiting to hold me and caress my face in reunion.
I understand this because I found the gifts that you had made for me: a hill of handmade sweaters which are meticulously designed and crafted at every corner, dazzling and rejoicing like a garden of unfurling flowers in spring; a mountain of toys for both girls and boys ( which I understand fully because you knew not my gender ); a box of letters that you composed for me, full of words like "dear" and "baby" and "my angel". Then I finally learned to love you. I learned to write, and the very first writing was about you; I tried to paint, and I without hesitation drew down my image of you. I returned to where I had buried your photos and dug out the ashes and turned the pitch black clay into a shimmering statue of you. Father loves you as well, by the way, keeping your slippers beside his bed and renewing your transportation pass every month. Only if we could cease to travel and go back to you!
However, I know I must keep traveling, because this is your wish for me, but your wish will never stop me from blaming myself. I have discovered the secret, to tell you the truth. Don't tell Dad, for I'm aware of how hard he has been trying to seal this. I overheard the reason why you were left alone and unable to travel with us when Dad was talking to my grandmother with every line on his face suffused with severe sorrow, that you had to leave because of me, that you left when I came to this world and embarked on my journey. But...but...how could you be so hard like a stone! To make me love you and let me blame myself! How could you let me kill you! I was paralyzed with an unnamed fit at that time and I rushed back to my own room, feeling something cold and sad streaking down my face.
I remember that night when leaves fell without wind, and I wished to barter my life for yours in vain. I remember in the dream that you tapped on my head like a ghost and sighed, with which I soon recovered and braved my lonely journey.
Now I have decided to live, not only for me, but for you. I still wear the sweaters you made, and I answer the letters you wrote, feeling your being perching on the bough of my soul. I shed tears, really, when I read the poem again. I know I must return late from my travel which is a life-long one, but I assure you that I will never forget you and never stop feeling grateful.
What a pity that you may not know my name, but I will always love you.
Yours.
（為真實展示選手賽場上的寫作風貌，文章為從iTEST 大學外語測試與訓練系統中摘出的原生作品，僅供學習分享使用。）
名師點評
田朝霞教授 南京師範大學
2019「外研社·國才杯」全國英語寫作大賽評委
文學博士，劍橋大學、倫敦大學學院、墨爾本文法學校訪問學者。南京師範大學「教學十佳」及「教書育人」獎獲得者。
2001年起指導學生參加各類英語賽事，多次獲國家和省級獎項。自2015年起，多次擔任「外研社·國才杯」全國英語寫作、閱讀大賽評委，並擔任閱讀大賽學術總顧問。《「外研社杯」全國英語寫作大賽官方指南》作者。
2019「外研社.國才杯」全國英語寫作大賽的記敘文要求選手基於唐代詩人孟郊的《遊子吟》，寫一篇真實的或虛構的故事。
這是一篇觸人心弦，使人久久不能忘懷的故事。其可圈可點不可勝數。
其一，標題引人入勝。
標題乃是文眼，「A Letter from an Unknown Child」立刻映入讀者眼帘，使人忍不往下讀。「unknown child」是誰？給誰的信？為什麼要寫信？發生了什麼事兒？懸念迭起。
其二，書信形式新穎別致。
用書信的形式來呈現一篇故事出人意表，著實很妙！書信，是最古樸、最真摯的情感表達方式，也可以說是最隱私、最信任的一種情感交流，必然給人帶來強烈的情感期待：是心跳、是驚駭、是悲痛、是喜悅？讀者不由自主地進入一段體驗的旅程。
其三，故事完整，跌宕起伏。
故事開始，在他鄉讀起《遊子吟》，「我」不由想起「你」，於是向「你」傾訴沒有「你」的日子。沒有「你」的童年是沒有愛和歡樂的童年，於是「我」心中生「恨」。「我」開始埋怨「你」的不負責任，憤而燒毀「你」的照片。而當「我」看到堆放得滿屋子的「你」親手編織的sweaters，當「我」看到堆成山的「你」為「我」準備的各式玩具，當「我」品味滿盒子裡「你」的親筆信，「我」了解了「你」的愛。
一波未平，一波又起。「我」偶然獲知，原來「你」的死皆因「我」起，原來「你」知道「我」的來臨便是「你」的死期。「我」不禁感嘆：「To make me love you and let me blame myself! How could you let me kill you!」「我」曾對「你」何等殘忍、何等不公！「我」願以「我」的命換「你」的，如果可以。「你」永遠待在原地，「你」愛光芒照射我四周，從未遠離；而「我」必須前行，這亦是「你」的希望。無風葉落的秋夜，你再入夢來，輕彈我的額頭，於是我孤獨的旅程再無恐懼。
今日再吟《遊子吟》，「你」的手中線，「我」的身上衣（sweater），淚已溼滿襟。在「我」的故事裡，還巧妙地穿插著父親、祖母。他們的出現自然地推動著故事的發展和轉折，更加襯託母親的愛，使主題更加深刻。
其四，語言表達可圈點。
應該說，在關鍵處，特別是感情飽滿處，行文語言流暢自然，感人至深。例如「The point is just that I travel away from you while others stay with your counterparts」「Yet I came to understand, gradually, that it was my dad and I who travelled constantly and even willingly, that you were always there, waiting to hold me and caress my face in reunion」「Then I finally learned to love you. I learned to …; I tried to …. I returned to … and turned the pitch black clay into a shimmering statue of you」「I remember that night …. I remember in dream that you tapped my head ….」等。
其五，與所給材料相呼應，並巧用比喻發人深思。
題目要求基於《遊子吟》寫一篇故事，選手乾脆就寫了一篇「慈母手中線，遊子身上衣」的故事。這是第一個照應。故事開頭因讀詩開始，最後以讀詩結尾，這是與材料的第二個照應。第三個照應，無論是有意無意，可說是「妙」——是「travel」的隱喻使用。「我」是他鄉的遊子；「我」和父親無時無刻不在路途中；「Only if we could cease to travel and go back to you」；「我」必須「keep traveling」以完成「你」的遺願——「你」死「我」生那一刻，已註定「我」的不歸路；「你」夢中的安撫，掃去「我」途中的孤寂與恐懼。「我」生來是遊子，一路上都是故事，故事裡充滿對「你」的情思。
貫穿全篇的「travel」和「journey」讓人想起「Life is a journey, and we are all travelers」的比喻——只要有時空和人的存在，又有什麼時間軸上的延展不是journey呢？這個比喻並不是故事的焦點，卻讓人回味深長。
這篇作品有瑕疵嗎？有，應該還不少。這裡僅提兩點。第一，語言表達及規範問題頻現。這裡不多舉例。提醒注意信函開始的格式以及第一段的多處錯誤。第二，根據不同讀者的閱讀體驗，可能有些讀者感覺這個故事不夠「新」。
在有限的時間裡能夠完成這樣一篇故事，真的不該太苛刻。應該說，這是一篇主題突出，情節豐滿，故事曲折，感人至深的故事。
來源：全國英語寫作大賽官網
責任編輯：胡奕蘅