提示：點擊↑上方"小芳老師"一起學英語，每天免費、自動獲取新鮮英語知識
TED簡介：2017 | 當前任轉身在你面前離開時，你是否就像開花的樹，在Ta身後落了一地自己凋零的心？你是否覺得莫名其妙不知所措，一定要拷問清楚原因？你是否一直想走出來，卻怎麼也走不出來？分手不是一次旅行，而應是一場戰鬥。如果愛情是毒藥，那麼分手就是在試圖戒掉毒癮。雖然人人都曾心碎，心碎如此折磨，但本期心理學家Guy Winch用自己的專業和經驗來告訴你，我們可以繼續往前走，我們會走得更好。
演講者：Guy Winch
片長：12：30
下載MP3音頻方法：到網易雲音樂搜索：TED博物館
戳閱讀原文下載視頻
At some point in our lives, almost everyone of us will have our heart broken.
幾乎每個人，在人生中的某個時點，都會遇到心碎的狀況。
My patient Kathy planned her wedding whenshe was in middle school. She would meet her future husband by age 27, getengaged a year later and get married a year after that. But when Kathy turned27, she didn't find a husband. She found a lump in her breast.
我的病人卡西還在中學時 就規劃了她的婚禮。她遇到未來老公的時間 會是在二十七歲時，一年後他們會訂婚，再一年後結婚。但當卡西二十七歲時，她沒有找到老公。她找到的，是胸部的腫塊。
She went through many months of harsh chemotherapy and painful surgeries, and then just as shewas ready to jump back into the dating world, she found a lump in her otherbreast and had to do it all over again. Kathy recovered, though, and she waseager to resume her search for a husband as soon as her eyebrows grew back in.When you're going on first dates in New York City, you need to be able toexpress a wide range of emotions.
她經歷了很多個月的辛苦化療，以及痛苦的手術，接著，就在她準備要跳回來約會的世界時，她在另一邊的胸部發現了腫塊，整個過程都得再重來一次。不過，卡西恢復了，她很熱切地想繼續尋找她的老公，她打算等眉毛長回來就馬上行動。當你在紐約市去赴第一次約會，你得要能夠表現出很多種情緒。
Soon afterwards, she met Rich and fell inlove. The relationship was everything she hoped it would be. Six months later,after a lovely weekend in New England, Rich made reservations at their favoriteromantic restaurant. Kathy knew he was going to propose, and she could barelycontain her excitement.
沒多久之後，她遇見了雷奇，陷入熱戀。這段感情完全是她所希望的那樣子。六個月之後，在新英格蘭度過了 一個美好的周末之後，雷奇訂了他們最喜歡的浪漫餐廳。卡西知道他要求婚了，她興奮難耐。
But Rich did not propose to Kathy thatnight. He broke up with her. As deeply as he cared for Kathy -- and he did --he simply wasn't in love.
但那晚，雷奇並沒有向卡西求婚。他和她分手了。儘管他對卡西的關心很深 ──他真的關心過── 但他就是沒有愛上她。
Kathy was shattered. Her heart was trulybroken, and she now faced yet another recovery. But five months after thebreakup, Kathy still couldn't stop thinking about Rich. Her heart was stillvery much broken. The question is: Why? Why was this incredibly strong anddetermined woman unable to marshal the same emotional resources that got herthrough four years of cancer treatments? Why do so many of us flounder whenwe're trying to recover from heartbreak? Why do the same coping mechanisms thatget us through all kinds of life challenges fail us so miserably when our heartgets broken?
卡西很震驚。她的心真的碎了，她現在又要面臨一次復原。但在分手後五個月，卡西仍然無法不去想雷奇。她的心仍然支離破碎。問題是：為什麼？為什麼這個極度堅強且堅定的女性，沒有辦法去整理這些和她四年癌症治療同樣的情緒來源？為什麼有這麼多人 試著從心碎中復原時，都那麼掙扎？為什麼明明這些處理機制 能幫我們走過各種人生中的困難，卻在我們的心碎時刻，完全派不上用場？
In over 20 years of private practice, Ihave seen people of every age and background face every manner of heartbreak,and what I've learned is this: when your heart is broken, the same instinctsyou ordinarily rely on will time and again lead you down the wrong path. Yousimply cannot trust what your mind is telling you.
我私人執業的時間超過二十年，我見過各種年齡層、各種背景的人 面臨各種心碎，而我所學到的是：當你的心碎了，你平常所仰賴的那些直覺會一而再，再而三地 引導你走向錯誤的路。你就是不能相信你的大腦告訴你的。
For example, we know from studies ofheartbroken people that having a clear understanding of why the relationshipended is really important for our ability to move on. Yet time and again, whenwe are offered a simple and honest explanation like the one Rich offered Kathy,we reject it. Heartbreak creates such dramatic emotional pain, our mind tellsus the cause must be equally dramatic.
比如，我們從關於 心碎的人的研究得知，清楚了解為什麼感情關係會結束 對於我們能否繼續 走下去是很重要的。但，一而再，再而三，我們得到的是一個簡單且誠實的解釋，就像雷奇給卡西的解釋，而我們不願接受。心碎會造成非常戲劇性的痛苦，我們的大腦告訴我們，它的成因一定也是同等戲劇性的。
And that gut instinct is so powerful, itcan make even the most reasonable and measured of us come up with mysteries andconspiracy theories where none exist. Kathy became convinced something must have happened during her romantic get away with Rich that soured him on therelationship, and she became obsessed with figuring out what that was.
那種直覺十分強大，甚至會讓最理性、最慎重的人，都會想出些根本不存在的謎團和陰謀論。卡西深信，在她和雷奇浪漫之旅的過程中 一定發生了什麼事，導致他對這段感情感到不快，而她變得執著在要想出原因是什麼。
And so she spent countless hours going through every minute of that weekend in hermind, searching her memory for clues that were not there. Kathy's mind trickedher into initiating this wild goose chase. But what compelled her to commit toit for so many months?
於是，她花了無數小時，在腦中回想那個周末的每一分鐘，在記憶中尋找根本不存在的線索。卡西的大腦騙了她，讓她開始了這場徒勞的追尋。但，是什麼強迫她投入這麼多個月的時間？
Heartbreak is far more insidious than werealize. There is a reason we keep going down one rabbit hole after another,even when we know it's going to make us feel worse. Brain studies have shownthat the withdrawal of romantic love activates the same mechanisms in our brainthat get activated when addicts are withdrawing from substances like cocaine oropioids. Kathy was going through with drawal.
心碎比我們知道的 還要更會在暗中滋生。這就是我們會重蹈覆徹的原因，即使我們知道這麼做 會讓我們感覺更糟糕。關於大腦的研究指出，脫離一段愛情會啟動的大腦機制，和成癮者要脫離古柯鹼 或鴉片這類物質時是一樣的。
And since she could not have theheroin of actually being with Rich, her unconscious mind chose the methadone ofher memories with him. Her instincts told her she was trying to solve amystery, but what she was actually doing was getting her fix. This is whatmakes heartbreak so difficult to heal. Addicts know they're addicted. They knowwhen they're shooting up.
卡西在經歷的就是脫離。她的海洛因就是 和雷奇在一起，但她得不到，她無意識的大腦選擇用 她和他的記憶當作止痛藥，她的直覺告訴她，她是在試著解一個謎團，但她真正在做的事，是給自己注射毒品。就是這樣，讓心碎很難治癒。成癮者知道自己有癮。他們在注射毒品時是有自覺的。
But heartbroken people do not. But you do now. And ifyour heart is broken, you cannot ignore that. You have to recognize that, ascompelling as the urge is, with every trip down memory lane, every text yousend, every second you spend stalking your ex on social media, you are justfeeding your addiction, deepening your emotional pain and complicating yourrecovery.
但心碎的人沒有。但你現在知道了。如果你的心碎了，你不能忽略它。儘管衝動很難抗拒，你仍必須了解，你每一次的回想，你發出的每一則訊息，你花在社交媒體上追蹤前任情人的每一秒鐘，你都只是在滿足你的癮，加深你情緒上的痛苦，讓你的復原變得更複雜。
Getting over heartbreak is not a journey.It's a fight, and your reason is your strongest weapon. There is no breakupexplanation that's going to feel satisfying. No rationale can take away thepain you feel. So don't search for one, don't wait for one, just accept the oneyou were offered or make up one yourself and then put the question to rest,because you need that closure to resist the addiction. And you need somethingelse as well: you have to be willing to let go, to accept that it's over.Otherwise, your mind will feed on your hope and set you back. Hope can beincredibly destructive when your heart is broken.
度過心碎並不是一趟旅程。它是場戰鬥，而你的理智 是你最強的武器。沒有任何分手解釋會讓人感到滿意。沒有邏輯理由能帶走 你所感受到的痛苦。所以不用去找理由了，不要再等理由了，就接受你得到的理由吧，不然就自己編一個，然後就讓這個問題安息，因為你需要那個結束，來對抗你的癮。你還需要別的：你得要願意放手，接受感情已經結束。不然，你的大腦會再給你希望，讓你無法前進。當你心碎時，希望是非常有毀滅性的。
Heartbreak is a master manipulator. Theease with which it gets our mind to do the absolute opposite of what we need inorder to recover is remarkable. One of the most common tendencies we have whenour heart is broken is to idealize the person who broke it. We spend hoursremembering their smile, how great they made us feel, that time we hiked up themountain and made love under the stars. All that does is make our loss feelmore painful. We know that. Yet we still allow our mind to cycle through onegreatest hit after another, like we were being held hostage by our ownpassive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
心碎，是操弄大師。它利用舒適當手段，讓我們的大腦去做的事，和復原所需要的完全相反，這手段很強大。當我們心碎時，最常見的傾向之一，就是會理想化那個讓我們心碎的人。我們花數小時的時間去回想他們的笑容、 那笑容帶給我們的感覺有多棒，及我們爬上山在星空下做愛的時光。這唯一的效果，就是 讓我們的失去變得更痛苦。我們知道這一點。但我們仍然允許我們的大腦陷在這不斷重擊的循環中，彷佛我們被自己被動攻擊的 Spotify 音樂播放列表給挾持當人質了。
Heartbreak will make those thoughts popinto your mind. And so to avoid idealizing, you have to balance them out byremembering their frown, not just their smile, how bad they made you feel, thefact that after the lovemaking, you got lost coming down the mountain, arguedlike crazy and didn't speak for two days. What I tell my patients is to compilean exhaustive list of all the ways the person was wrong for you, all the badqualities, all the pet peeves, and then keep it on your phone.
心碎會讓那些念頭出現在你腦中。為了避免理想化，你得要將它們平衡掉，做法就是回想起他們的 皺眉，而不只是笑容、 他們帶給你多不好的感覺，以及在做愛後，你們下山時迷了路，吵得非常兇，兩天都不說話。我告訴我的病人，編匯一份詳盡的清單，列出這個人不適合你的每一點、所有不好的特質、所有惹你惱火的事，然後把那清單放在手機裡。
And once you have your list, you have touse it. When I hear even a hint of idealizing or the faintest whiff ofnostalgia in a session, I go, "Phone, please."
一旦你列出了清單，你得要使用它。每次與病人會面，當我感覺到有一點點理想化 或是最微弱的懷舊之情要浮現時，我會說：「請拿出手機。」
Your mind will try to tell you they wereperfect. But they were not, and neither was the relationship. And if you wantto get over them, you have to remind yourself of that, frequently.
你的大腦會試著告訴你他們很完美。但他們並不完美，你們的關係也不完美。如果你想要熬過去，你就得提醒自己這件事，常常提醒。
None of us is immune to heartbreak. Mypatient Miguel was a 56-year-old senior executive in a software company. Fiveyears after his wife died, he finally felt ready to start dating again. He soonmet Sharon, and a whirlwind romance ensued. They introduced each other to theiradult children after one month, and they moved in together after two. Whenmiddle-aged people date, they don't mess around. It's like "Love,Actually" meets "The Fast and the Furious."
沒有人對心碎免疫。我的病人，米格，五十六歲，是軟體公司的高階主管。在他的太太過世五年後，他終於覺得準備好 可以開始再次約會了。他很快就遇到了沙倫，接著展開熱戀。一個月後，他們把彼此介紹給對方的成年子女認識，兩個月後，他們開始同居。中年人約會不浪費時間。這就像《愛是您，愛是我》 遇見《玩命關頭》。
Miguel was happier than he had been inyears. But the night before their first anniversary, Sharon left him. She haddecided to move to the West Coast to be closer to her children, and she didn'twant a long-distance relationship. Miguel was totally blindsided and utterlydevastated. He barely functioned at work for many, many months, and he almostlost his job as a result. Another consequence of heartbreak is that feelingalone and in pain can significantly impair our intellectual functioning,especially when performing complex tasks involving logic and reasoning. Ittemporarily lowers our IQ.
米格比過去幾年來都更快樂。但在他們一周年的前一晚，沙倫離開了他。她決定搬到西岸，離她的孩子們近一點，而她不想談遠距離戀愛。米格在毫無防備下受到打擊，徹底身心交瘁。許多許多個月，他幾乎無法工作，結果他差點丟了飯碗。心碎的另一個後果就是孤獨和痛苦的感受 能顯著破壞我們的智力運作，特別是在進行涉及邏輯 和推理的複雜工作時。它會讓我們的智商暫時下降。
But it wasn't just the intensity ofMiguel's grief that confused his employers; it was the duration. Miguel wasconfused by this as well and really quite embarrassed by it. "What's wrongwith me?" he asked me in our session. "What adult spends almost ayear getting over a one-year relationship?" Actually, many do.
但讓米格的老闆感到困惑的，不只是他的悲慟強度，還有時間長度。米格自己也對此感到困惑，且因此覺得很不好意思。「我是怎麼搞的？」心理治療時他這樣問我。「什麼樣的成人會花幾乎一年 才能忘懷只維持一年的感情？」 其實，很多成人都如此。
Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks oftraditional loss and grief: insomnia, intrusive thoughts, immune systemdysfunction. Forty percent of people experience clinically measurabledepression. Heartbreak is a complex psychological injury. It impacts us in amultitude of ways.
心碎，有著傳統失去 和悲傷的所有特徵：失眠、煩擾的想法、 免疫系統失衡。有四成的人會經歷憂鬱，且是臨床上可測量出來的程度。心碎是一種複雜的心理傷害。它以許多方式影響著我們。
For example, Sharon was both very social and very active.She had dinners at the house every week. She and Miguel went on camping tripswith other couples. Although Miguel was not religious, he accompanied Sharon tochurch every Sunday, where he was welcomed into the congregation. Miguel didn't just lose his girlfriend; he lost his entire social life, the supportivecommunity of Sharon's church. He lost his identity as a couple.
比如，沙倫非常樂於社交，也非常主動。每周她都會在家中辦晚餐會。她和米格會和其他情侶或夫妻一起外出露營。雖然米格沒有宗教信仰，每個星期日他會陪沙倫去教堂，在教堂，他也被會眾歡迎。米格失去的不只是他的女友； 他失去了他的整個社交生活，那個支持他的社群，沙倫的教堂。他失去了身為「一對」的身分。
Now, Miguelre cognized the breakup had left this huge void in his life, but what he failedto recognize is that it left far more than just one. And that is crucial, notjust because it explains why heartbreak could be so devastating, but because ittells us how to heal. To fix your broken heart, you have to identify thesevoids in your life and fill them, and I mean all of them.
米格了解到，這次分手讓他的人生留下了一個大空洞，但他沒有發現，留下的空洞其實不只一個。那是很關鍵的一點，不單單因為它能解釋為什麼 心碎這麼讓人身心交瘁，也因為它告訴我們如何能治癒。要修補你破碎的心，你得要辨識出你人生中的那些空洞，並將之填補起來，我指的是全部的空洞。你身分中的空洞：你得要重新建立你自己和你的生活。
The voids in your identity: you have to reestablish who you are and what your life is about. Thevoids in your social life, the missing activities, even the empty spaces on thewall where pictures used to hang. But none of that will do any good unless youprevent the mistakes that can set you back, the unnecessary searches forexplanations, idealizing your ex instead of focusing on how they were wrong foryou, indulging thoughts and behaviors that still give them a starring role inthis next chapter of your life when they shouldn't be an extra.
你社交生活中的空洞：少掉的活動，甚至 牆壁上把以前掛的照片 取下後留下的空白處。但這些都不會有用，除非你能預防不要犯下讓你走回頭路的錯誤，不要一直去找沒必要的解釋，不要把你的前任給理想化，都不想想他們不適合你的地方，還沉迷在讓他們 像明星的行為與思想中，在你人生的下一個章節 他們應該是多餘的。
Getting over heartbreak is hard, but if yourefuse to be misled by your mind and you take steps to heal, you cansignificantly minimize your suffering. And it won't just be you who benefitfrom that. You'll be more present with your friends, more engaged with yourfamily, not to mention the billions of dollars of compromised productivity inthe workplace that could be avoided.
度過心碎是很難的，但如果你拒絕被你的大腦誤導，且能採取療愈的步驟，你就能顯著地 將你所受的苦降至最低。受惠的不只有你。和朋友一起時，你就更能處在當下，和家人更緊密，更不用說在工作上因為生產力降低而造成的 數十億損失，那是可避免的。
So if you know someone who is heartbroken,have compassion, because social support has been found to be important fortheir recovery. And have patience, because it's going to take them longer tomove on than you think it should. And if you're hurting, know this: it'sdifficult, it is a battle within your own mind, and you have to be diligent towin. But you do have weapons. You can fight. And you will heal.
所以，如果你認識一個心碎的人，要有同理心，因為社交上的支持已證實 對他們的恢復是很重要的。要有耐心，因為要讓他們繼續前進花的時間會比你預期的還長。如果你會痛，要知道這一點：這很辛苦，這是場 在你自己腦中的戰鬥，你得要很勤奮才能贏。但你確實有武器。你能戰鬥。且你會復原。
Thank you.(Applause)
謝謝。（掌聲）