0:11
I'm going to talk to you tonight about coming out of the closet, and not in the traditional sense, not just the gay closet. I think we all have closets. Your closet may be telling someone you love her for the first time, or telling someone that you're pregnant, or telling someone you have cancer, or any of the other hard conversations we have throughout our lives. All a closet is is a hard conversation, and although our topics may vary tremendously, the experience of being in and coming out of the closet is universal. It is scary, and we hate it, and it needs to be done.
0:51
Several years ago, I was working at the South Side Walnut Cafe, a local diner in town, and during my time there I would go through phases of militant lesbian intensity: not shaving my armpits, quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel. And depending on the bagginess of my cargo shorts and how recently I had shaved my head, the question would often be sprung on me, usually by a little kid:
1:18
"Um, are you a boy or are you a girl?"
1:23
And there would be an awkward silence at the table. I'd clench my jaw a little tighter, hold my coffee pot with a little more vengeance. The dad would awkwardly shuffle his newspaper and the mom would shoot a chilling stare at her kid. But I would say nothing, and I would seethe inside. And it got to the point where every time I walked up to a table that had a kid anywhere between three and 10 years old, I was ready to fight. (Laughter) And that is a terrible feeling. So I promised myself, the next time, I would say something. I would have that hard conversation.
1:56
So within a matter of weeks, it happens again.
1:59
"Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
2:01
Familiar silence, but this time I'm ready, and I am about to go all Women's Studies 101 on this table. (Laughter) I've got my Betty Friedan quotes. I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes. I've even got this little bit from "Vagina Monologues" I'm going to do. So I take a deep breath and I look down and staring back at me is a four-year-old girl in a pink dress, not a challenge to a feminist duel, just a kid with a question: "Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
2:33
So I take another deep breath, squat down to next to her, and say, "Hey, I know it's kind of confusing. My hair is short like a boy's, and I wear boy's clothes, but I'm a girl, and you know how sometimes you like to wear a pink dress, and sometimes you like to wear your comfy jammies? Well, I'm more of a comfy jammies kind of girl."
2:51
And this kid looks me dead in the eye, without missing a beat, and says, "My favorite pajamas are purple with fish. Can I get a pancake, please?" (Laughter) And that was it. Just, "Oh, okay. You're a girl. How about that pancake?"
3:07
It was the easiest hard conversation I have ever had. And why? Because Pancake Girl and I, we were both real with each other.
3:17
So like many of us, I've lived in a few closets in my life, and yeah, most often, my walls happened to be rainbow. But inside, in the dark, you can't tell what color the walls are. You just know what it feels like to live in a closet. So really, my closet is no different than yours or yours or yours. Sure, I'll give you 100 reasons why coming out of my closet was harder than coming out of yours, but here's the thing: Hard is not relative. Hard is hard. Who can tell me that explaining to someone you've just declared bankruptcy is harder than telling someone you just cheated on them? Who can tell me that his coming out story is harder than telling your five-year-old you're getting a divorce? There is no harder, there is just hard. We need to stop ranking our hard against everyone else's hard to make us feel better or worse about our closets and just commiserate on the fact that we all have hard. At some point in our lives, we all live in closets, and they may feel safe, or at least safer than what lies on the other side of that door. But I am here to tell you, no matter what your walls are made of, a closet is no place for a person to live.
4:28
Thanks. (Applause)
4:31
So imagine yourself 20 years ago. Me, I had a ponytail, a strapless dress, and high-heeled shoes. I was not the militant lesbian ready to fight any four-year-old that walked into the cafe. I was frozen by fear, curled up in the corner of my pitch-black closet clutching my gay grenade, and moving one muscle is the scariest thing I have ever done. My family, my friends, complete strangers -- I had spent my entire life trying to not disappoint these people, and now I was turning the world upside down on purpose. I was burning the pages of the script we had all followed for so long, but if you do not throw that grenade, it will kill you.
5:20
One of my most memorable grenade tosses was at my sister's wedding. (Laughter) It was the first time that many in attendance knew I was gay, so in doing my maid of honor duties, in my black dress and heels, I walked around to tables and finally landed on a table of my parents' friends, folks that had known me for years. And after a little small talk, one of the women shouted out, "I love Nathan Lane!" And the battle of gay relatability had begun.
5:50
"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?"
5:52
"Well, yeah, actually, we have friends in San Francisco."
5:54
"Well, we've never been there but we've heard it's fabulous."
5:57
"Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio? He's really good and he has never talked about a girlfriend."
6:02
"Ash, what's your favorite TV show? Our favorite TV show? Favorite: Will & Grace. And you know who we love? Jack. Jack is our favorite."
6:09
And then one woman, stumped but wanting so desperately to show her support, to let me know she was on my side, she finally blurted out, "Well, sometimes my husband wears pink shirts." (Laughter)
6:24
And I had a choice in that moment, as all grenade throwers do. I could go back to my girlfriend and my gay-loving table and mock their responses, chastise their unworldliness and their inability to jump through the politically correct gay hoops I had brought with me, or I could empathize with them and realize that that was maybe one of the hardest things they had ever done, that starting and having that conversation was them coming out of their closets. Sure, it would have been easy to point out where they felt short. It's a lot harder to meet them where they are and acknowledge the fact that they were trying. And what else can you ask someone to do but try? If you're going to be real with someone, you gotta be ready for real in return.
7:10
So hard conversations are still not my strong suit. Ask anybody I have ever dated. But I'm getting better, and I follow what I like to call the three Pancake Girl principles. Now, please view this through gay-colored lenses, but know what it takes to come out of any closet is essentially the same.
7:29
Number one: Be authentic. Take the armor off. Be yourself. That kid in the cafe had no armor, but I was ready for battle. If you want someone to be real with you, they need to know that you bleed too.
7:43
Number two: Be direct. Just say it. Rip the Band-Aid off. If you know you are gay, just say it. If you tell your parents you might be gay, they will hold out hope that this will change. Do not give them that sense of false hope. (Laughter)
7:57
And number three, and most important -- (Laughter) Be unapologetic. You are speaking your truth. Never apologize for that. And some folks may have gotten hurt along the way, so sure, apologize for what you've done, but never apologize for who you are. And yeah, some folks may be disappointed, but that is on them, not on you. Those are their expectations of who you are, not yours. That is their story, not yours. The only story that matters is the one that you want to write. So the next time you find yourself in a pitch-black closet clutching your grenade, know we have all been there before. And you may feel so very alone, but you are not. And we know it's hard but we need you out here, no matter what your walls are made of, because I guarantee you there are others peering through the keyholes of their closets looking for the next brave soul to bust a door open, so be that person and show the world that we are bigger than our closets and that a closet is no place for a person to truly live.
9:12
Thank you, Boulder. Enjoy your night. (Applause)
0:12
今晚我會和大家講述 如何走出櫃 但不是傳統意義上的層面 不只是成為同性戀那樣的出櫃 我想大家都有個櫃 你所謂的出櫃 有的或許是你跟她第一次說我愛你 或許告訴別人你懷孕了 或許告訴別人你患有癌症 甚至是其他我們都經歷過的 難以啟齒的談話 所謂的櫃就是一次說不出口的談話 雖然我們的話題涉及廣泛 在櫃中 和出櫃的經歷都是相通的 這種感覺很可怕 儘管我們都不喜歡 但是還得這樣做
0:51
幾年以前 我在South Side Walnut咖啡店工作 一個當地的餐廳 那段時間我經歷了 激進女同性戀的緊張 沒有刮我的腋毛 引用福音Ani DiFranco的歌詞 由於我寬鬆的工裝短褲 還有我最近的髮型 經常會有人問我 通常是小孩兒問我
1:18
「嗯，你是男孩還是女孩？」
1:23
隨之而來的是一陣尷尬的寂靜 我緊咬牙關 懷著報復的心緊握著咖啡罐 爸爸尷尬地亂翻著報紙 媽媽冷漠地盯著孩子 但是我說不出口 內心卻在沸騰 重點是 每次我走到旁邊 有3到10歲小孩兒的桌子時 我都準備好要幹一架了 （笑聲） 這種感覺非常不好 所以我跟自己講 下一次 我一定會說什麼 我會把話說出口
1:56
所以 過了幾個星期 又出現這種狀況了
1:59
「你是男孩還是女孩？」
2:01
熟悉的沉寂 但是這次我準備好了 這次我要把所有女性的話 說出來 （笑聲） 我準備好引用Betty Friedan的話 準備好引用Gloria Steinem的話 我甚至從《陰道獨白》中選了幾句話 我深吸了口氣 我低下頭看 迎來的是一個穿著粉色裙子的4歲小女孩兒的目光 這個小菜一碟 只是個小孩兒問問題 「你是男孩還是女孩？」
2:33
我又深吸了口氣 在她身旁蹲下來說 「我知道有點不好理解 我的頭髮像男生的那樣短 我還穿著男生的衣服 但是我是個女孩 有時候你喜歡穿粉色的裙子 有時候喜歡穿舒服的睡衣 對吧 那我就是那種喜歡穿舒服睡衣的那種女孩
2:51
這個小孩兒死死的盯著我 都不帶眨的 說 」我最喜歡的睡衣是紫色的 上面還有魚 能給我塊煎餅嗎？「 （笑聲） 就是這樣 」哦 好吧 你是個女孩 來塊煎餅怎麼樣？「
3:07
這是有史以來 最簡單的一次艱難對話 為什麼呢 因為這個煎餅女孩和我 我們對彼此都很真誠
3:17
所以 跟很多人一樣 我住在自己的幾個櫃裡 是的 而且我的四面牆常常會變成彩色 但是牆的裡面 黑暗中 你卻不知道內牆是什麼顏色 你就是知道在櫃裡是什麼感覺 所以 真的 我的櫃和你的 你的 所有人的櫃都是一樣的 當然 我會告訴你100個理由 來解釋為什麼我出櫃會比你出櫃要難 但是重點是 難並不是相對的 各有各的難處 誰能告訴我 是跟一個人講你剛剛破產難 還是跟一個人講你背叛他難呢 誰能告訴我 是一個人說自己出櫃難 還是告訴你5歲的孩子你要離婚了難呢 沒有誰更難一些 就只是很難而已 我們不能把各自的難處排個1234 以此來讓我們對自己的櫃更好過或更難過些 然後又互相憐憫大家都很難 在生活中的某些時刻 我們都悶在櫃裡 這樣我們感到很安全 至少比在櫃外面更安全些 但是我要告訴大家 不管你的櫃是什麼材質 那都不是一個人應該住的地方
4:28
謝謝 （掌聲）
4:31
想想20年前的你 那時的我 扎著馬尾 穿著沒有肩帶的裙子 蹬著高跟鞋 我不是那個緊張的女同性戀 隨時準備迎戰走進咖啡廳的4歲孩童 恐懼使我不得動彈 縮在我 那個黑漆漆的櫃裡 繃緊身為同性戀的神經 我從未 放鬆過緊繃的那根弦 我的家人 朋友 陌生人 我一直都 努力不讓這些人失望 然而現在 我卻故意 把事情弄的一團糟 我把我們一直沿用的腳本 都燒掉 但是如果你不丟掉手中的手榴彈 它會至你於死地
5:20
讓我印象最深刻的一次爆發 是在我姐姐的婚禮上 （笑聲） 很多在場的人知道我是同性戀 這還是頭一回 所以我作為伴娘 穿著一襲黑裙和高跟鞋 我遊走在桌邊 最後決定坐在我父母的朋友的那一桌上 他們認識我很久了 說了一會兒話後 有個女人大叫著說 「我超愛Nathan Lane！」 就這樣一場關於同性戀的話題拉開帷幕
5:50
」Ash 你去過Castro嗎？「
5:52
」恩 內什麼 實際上 我們在舊金山有朋友「
5:54
」內什麼 我們沒去過那兒 但是聽說那兒挺棒的「
5:57
」Ash 你知道我的理髮師Antonio嗎？ 他人很好 但是從沒聽他談過女性朋友」
6:02
"Ash 你最喜歡哪個電視節目 我們最喜歡的？ 最喜歡的電視節目非Will & Grace莫屬 你知道我們最愛誰嗎 最愛Jack了 我們最喜歡Jack了「
6:09
然後另一個女人 張口結舌 但是極力變現出她的支持 讓我明白她是站在我這一邊的 她最終脫口而出 」有時候我丈夫穿粉色的T恤「 （笑聲）
6:24
在那一刻 和所有爆發者一樣 我作出了選擇 我可以回到我女性朋友和支持同性戀的那一桌去 對他們這些人的反應嘲笑一番 說他們什麼都不懂 他們不能理解我身上所帶的同性戀的標籤 或者我可以選擇感同身受 理解那可能是他們從未做過的最難的事情 開始並進行那樣的對話 是他們出櫃的表現 當然 指出他們不對的地方很容易 但是和他們在同一層面上理解 並知道他們在努力卻很難 除了讓人家努力嘗試 你還能要求人家什麼呢 如果你想對某人坦誠 那你就要準備好別人同樣對你完全坦白
7:10
所以進行難的對話仍不是我的強項 去問問我從未約過會的人就知道了 但是我做好的更好了 因為我遵循我稱之為 煎餅女孩三原則 請各位帶上同性戀有色眼鏡來看待這個 但是要明白出任何的櫃所需的努力 都是一樣的
7:29
原則一 要真實 卸下你的防禦 做真實的自己 那個在咖啡廳的女孩就沒有防禦 然而我卻是準備開戰 如果你想讓別人對你坦誠 你得讓他們知道你也有所付出
7:43
原則二 要直接 有什麼說什麼 不要繃著 你知道你是同性戀 那就說出來 如果你告訴你的父母 你可能是同性戀 他們會心有一絲希望 你會改變的 不要讓他們有這樣的錯覺 （笑聲）
7:57
原則三 最重要的一點 （笑聲） 不要有負罪感 你是在坦言有關自己的事情 不要對此感到抱歉 可能會有人受傷 這是一定的 對你所做的事情道歉 但是不要為你的本質而道歉 是的 有些人會很失望 但是他們對自己失望 而不是對你 那是他們所期望的你的樣子 而不是你自己的期望 那是他們的故事 而不是屬於你的故事 唯一重要的故事 是你想要書寫的那一個 那麼下回你發現自己 窩在櫃裡 手裡緊攥著手榴彈時 要知道我們都經歷過這個階段 你可能會感到孤獨 但實際上不是的 雖然很難 但是你需要走出櫃 不管你的牆是什麼 我向你保證 還有些人 從他們櫃的鎖眼裡 尋找下一個勇敢的人推開們 所以做那個勇敢的人吧 讓人們知道櫃已容不下我們 一個櫃不是一個人 能活出真實自己的地方
9:12
謝謝 Boulder 祝各位晚上愉快 （掌聲）