圖像來源, BBC/GETTY
It’s often said that food brings people together. But it can also split families apart.
大家都知道食物能讓人歡聚一堂，但你可能想不到食物也能讓一個家庭分崩離析，關係疏遠形同陌路。
Cookbook author Nandita Godbole has experienced this first-hand. Her affluent Indian family, who generally had hired cooks in their homes, disapproved of her choice of profession. By working with food, she was going against their expectations. When Godbole’s recent book Ten Thousand Tongues: Secrets of a Layered Kitchen delved deep into family history, she met even more resistance.
對於這一點，美食作家戈德博爾（Nanditi Godbole）深有體會。她出生於一個富裕的印度家庭，家裡有專門的廚師，因此家人很反對她從事和美食打交道的工作，她背離了家庭的期望。不只如此，她最近還出版了一本新書——《千萬種口味：廚房裡的層層秘密》，書中探究了自已家族的歷史，她也因此遭遇了更大的家庭阻力。
Clearly, this wasn’t just about the food. By changing traditional recipes – and exploring parts of her family history that others felt ownership over – she was perceived as challenging family hierarchies. Some relatives stopped speaking to her.
顯然，美食並不是唯一的原因。這本書裡，不僅有對傳統食譜的改良，也涉及了家族歷史。她被視為挑戰家族等級制度，一些親戚便不再和她來往。
Clearly, this wasn’t just about the food. By changing traditional recipes – and exploring parts of her family history that others felt ownership over – she was perceived as challenging family hierarchies. Some relatives stopped speaking to her.
戈德博爾的經歷雖然獨特，但和她一樣失去家庭聯繫的人並非少數。
Family estrangement has been defined as distancing and loss of affection that occurs over years or even decades within a family. It isn’t clear if such estrangement is on the rise, since it is a relatively young field of research.
長年不與家中親屬聯繫來往，和家人或家族親戚斷絕關係，對這一領域的研究很少，因此很難說如今的家庭關係疏遠現象是否在愈演愈烈。
But it is common. Research by Stand Alone, a UK charity that supports people who are estranged from relatives, suggests that estrangement affects at least one in five British families. One US study of more than 2,000 mother-child pairs found that 10% of mothers were currently estranged from at least one adult child. And one US study found that more than 40% of participants had experienced family estrangement at some point – suggesting that in certain groups, such as US college students, estrangement may be almost as common as divorce.
現在所知道的是這種情況並非少數。英國有一家名為「Stand Alone」的慈善機構，專為與家人斷絕關係的人提供支持。他們發現，英國有超過五分之一的家庭中存在這種現象。美國有一項調查，在調查了逾2000對母子後發現，有10%的母親和成年子女關係疏遠。美國另一項調查發現，超過40%的受訪者或多或少都和家人產生過隔閡，某些群體，比如美國大學生中，家庭關係疏遠幾乎和離婚一樣尋常。
圖像來源, BBC/GETTY
如今，關係疏遠這一話題開始被人們廣泛討論（Credit: BBC/Getty）
Stand Alone founder Becca Bland, who has personal experience of estrangement as she has no contact with her parents, has also noticed that the topic is much more discussed now than it was even five years ago. This is borne out by Google Trends data showing steady growth in people searching for estrangement-related terms, primarily in Canada, Australia and Singapore.
布蘭德（Becca Bland）是「Stand Alone」組織的創始人，她也有與父母關係疏遠的經歷。她發現，和5年前相比，如今家庭關係疏遠的話題大大提升。在谷歌的搜尋數據中，家庭成員情感疏離的話題熱度呈增長趨勢，在加拿大、澳大利亞和新加坡尤為如此。
「I think Meghan Markle and the royal family have definitely made family estrangement news,」 says Bland. The Duchess of Sussex, who in 2018 was the most Googled person in the UK (and second most Googled person in the US), has driven recent conversation around complex families due to her own difficult relationship with her father. So have other celebrities like Anthony Hopkins, who acknowledged in a 2018 interview that he’s barely spoken with his daughter in two decades. Celebrity gossip can be a useful way for ordinary people to process and explain their own life experiences.
布蘭德表示：「我認為，梅根王妃（Meghan Markle）和英國王室的關係肯定也製造了家庭隔閡的新聞。」2018年，英國人谷歌搜尋次數最多（在美排行第二）的人物是薩塞克斯公爵夫人（Duchess of Sussex）。她和父親的關係十分緊張，這種複雜的家庭關係成為公眾熱議。其他名人也是如此，如英國演員、導演霍普金斯（Anthony Hopkins）就曾在2018年的一個採訪中承認，過去的20年裡幾乎沒有和女兒有過溝通。普通人要處理和消化自身的生活經歷，參考名人八卦無疑是一種有用的方式。
Though examples of estrangement can be found around the globe, it’s more common in some societies than others.
家庭成員關係疏遠，在全球範圍內都不乏這樣的例子。在某些地區，家庭疏遠的情況更為嚴重。
One factor seems to be whether a government offers strong support to residents. In countries with robust welfare systems, people simply need their families less – giving them more choice over whether to maintain ties. In Europe, for instance, older parents and adult children tend to interact more and live closer to each other in countries further south, where public assistance is more limited.
政府的政策支持，是很大的一個原因。有些國家的福利政策好，國民不需要家庭經濟支援，因此是否維護家庭關係，他們有多種選擇。像歐州南部一些國家政府支持有限，家長和成年子女之間的聯繫也就更多，住得也會更近。
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福利政策好的國家，家庭關係疏離的情況更為常見。但這並不是說政府需要削減經濟上的支持（Credit: BBC/Getty）
Financial factors also intersect with other factors, such as education and race. In Germany, higher education levels of adult children are associated with higher rates of conflict with their parents. One theory is that highly educated family members are likely to be more geographically mobile, and less likely to need each other financially.
經濟因素也與其他因素交織在一起，比如教育和種族等因素。在德國，子女的教育程度越高，和父母產生衝突的可能性也會更高。有一種理論認為，因為受過高等教育的家庭成員，更不受地理因素的限制，經濟自由度也更高。
The research of Megan Gilligan and colleagues, on caregiving-related conflict in US families, has shown racial differences in the experiences of adult children. But it can be difficult to separate out the influences of culture and class. Gilligan, a gerontologist at Iowa State University, notes that in the US, 「minority families tend to co-reside more; they tend to be more reliant on exchanges」.
吉利根（Megan Gilligan）團隊研究了美國家庭中的養老問題，發現種族問題也是衝突的一個因素。但很難把文化和階級因素的影響區分開來。吉利根是愛荷華州立大學（Iowa State University）的老年病學家，她指出，「少數族裔家庭更習慣於家庭成員住在一起；對於利益互換的依賴度更高。」
In Uganda, family estrangement is on the rise, says Stephen Wandera, a demographer at Makerere University in Kampala. Ugandan families have traditionally been large and extended – which proved crucial in recent decades as family members stepped in to care for people orphaned or devastated by civil war or Aids.
烏幹達坎帕拉（Kampala）的馬克雷大學（Makerere University）的人口統計學家萬德拉（Stephen Wandera）表示，在烏幹達，家庭關係疏遠的比率也在增加。幾十年來，很多人因戰爭、愛滋病等原因淪為孤兒。此時，規模龐大的烏幹達家庭發揮了重要作用，很多孤兒會由親人代為照顧。
But in recent research, Wandera and colleagues found that 9% of Ugandans aged 50 and over live alone – a surprisingly high percentage. That’s not the same as estrangement, of course. But Wandera says that as families get smaller and more nuclear, and as urbanisation increases, the prevalence of estrangement is likely to rise.
然而，萬德拉和同事在最近的研究中發現，50歲以上的烏幹達人中有9%獨居，這一數字是比較驚人的。原因並不全是家庭關係疏遠。萬德拉表示，隨著家庭規模的縮小和核心化程度的提高，以及城市化進程的加快，家庭關係疏遠可能會更加普遍。
This won’t be happening right away. 「Cultural norms are still strong, and they take time to fade,」 he says. But Wandera expects change within 20 years or so.
萬德拉說：「人們恪守文化傳統的意識仍然很強，要完全消除需要很長一段時間。希望在20年左右的時間裡有所改變。」
圖像來源, BBC/GETTY
隨著家庭規模的縮小和核心化程度的提高，以及城市化進程的加快，家庭關係疏遠可能會更加普遍（Credit: BBC/Getty）
This doesn’t mean that governments should limit financial support to older people to encourage stronger families. Spanish family culture has been called 「more coercive」 than, for example, Norway’s, where intergenerational relationships are generally more amicable because they’re chosen and less financially pressured.
並不是說，為了鼓勵家庭成員之間的團結，政府就需要降低對老年人的經濟支持。人們說西班牙的家庭文化「更具強制性」，相比之下，挪威的家庭代際關係更友好，因為挪威人的「家庭強制性」更低，而且經濟壓力更小。
Why it happens
家庭關係疏離的成因Divorce contributes to the loss of family relationships, especially with fathers. So do secrets. The abandonment of relatives with marginalised identities is also a common factor, such as family rejection of sexual and gender minorities in Vietnam.
離婚會導致家庭關係的喪失，尤其是與父親的關係，成員間保守秘密的可能性也更低。拋棄身份邊緣化的家庭成員也是一個共同素。例如在越南，人們會因為性別和種族原因而對家庭成員產生疏遠。
But estrangement is often quiet and undramatic. Gilligan explains that it’s typically gradual, rather than a big event. The people she’s interviewed have often said 「I don’t quite know how this happened」 rather than pointing to a specific incident, she says.
但疏遠通常是安靜和平淡無奇的。吉利根解釋說，疏遠是一個漸進的過程，而不是一個大事件。在她採訪過的人中，很多人都記不起一個具體的事件，常會表示「我不清楚這是怎麼發生的」。
圖像來源, BBC/GETTY
家庭成員的疏遠是一個漸進的過程，但也反應了長期緊張的家庭關係（Credit: BBC/Getty）
Still, even if the triggers seem trivial, they reflect long-lived tension. Families looking to reconcile should recognise that conflicts are unlikely to be just about isolated incidents, so it could be helpful to engage with the past.
即使某些誘因看起來微不足道，但也反應了長期緊張的家庭關係。想要尋求和解的家庭成員應該認識到，衝突不可能是孤立的事件。多回憶過去的事情或許能有所幫助。
For those seeking reconciliation – or to prevent estrangement to begin with – suspending judgement may also be helpful. In her research with older mothers, 10% of whom were estranged from an adult child, Gilligan found that the most significant factor in the estrangement was a mismatch in values. For instance, 「if the mother really valued the religious beliefs and practices and the child had violated them, the mother… really viewed it as offensive」, she says.
對於那些尋求和解，或者從一開始就防止疏遠的人來說，可以從不再負面評價他人開始。吉利根的研究發現，年齡較大的母親中有10%與子女疏遠，造成這種原因的多是價值觀的衝突。她說：「如果母親重視宗教信仰和習俗，子女如若違背，很多母親會覺得被冒犯了。」
Factors went beyond religion too. One mother who highly valued truthfulness cut off a son who told lies, while a mother who highly valued self-reliance stopped speaking with a daughter who she believed was dependent on a man.
宗教也不是唯一的原因。一位非常重視誠實的母親因兒子說謊而斷絕往來；還有一位非常重視自食其力的母親不再與她認為依賴男人生活的女兒說話。
In fact, these violations of what mothers saw as their personal values made estrangement even more likely than when there were societal norm violations – such as the child having committed a crime. And this value congruence was more important to mothers than to fathers.
事實上，相比起違反社會規範（如犯罪）等，家長更不能原諒的是，孩子顛覆了家長自身的價值觀。一般來說，母親會更加看重這種價值觀的傳承。
The mothers 「were kind of describing the things they just couldn’t let go [of] – things that had happened that had been upsetting to the mother」, Gilligan says. 「It just constantly kept coming up in the relationships. So they never got over it.」
吉利根表示：「有些母親會對無法釋懷的事情喋喋不休，發生不愉快的事情會讓她們失望很久。她們會反覆去想，壞情緒很難過去。」
圖像來源, BBC/GETTY
成年的子女普遍認為，情感虐待是產生家庭隔閡的原因（Credit: BBC/Getty）
And as in the classic Japanese film Rashomon or the TV series The Affair, two people can have such different memories of the same experience that it’s almost as if it wasn’t the same experience at all.
像日本經典電影《羅生門》或電視劇《婚外情》（The Affair）中一樣，兩個人對同一段經歷有著完全不同的記憶，其所經歷的仿佛是截然不同的事情。
Adult children in the UK, for example, most often mention emotional abuse as the cause of their estrangement from their parents. But parents are much less likely to mention emotional abuse (which refers to persistent attempts at control through humiliation, criticism or any of a number of other damaging behaviours). Instead, they referred more often to causes like divorce, or mismatched expectations.
英國的成年子女普遍認為，情感虐待使他們產生了家庭隔閡感。這正是家長普遍忽視的一個原因（情感虐待指的是為控制子女，長期實施的羞辱、批評或其他破壞性行為）。相反家長普遍認為，產生家庭隔閡是因為離婚、期望過高等。
Since Gilligan’s research was focused on mothers, she didn’t speak with their children. So, it’s difficult to know if the same trend would have applied. But either way, this disconnect is common. 「The estranged adult child and the parent are not communicating about what’s upsetting to them, so I don’t really think they’re on the same page at all,」 she says. And, of course, if one person is defensive or unwilling to listen, the pair might be speaking without truly communicating.
吉利根將研究集中在母親身上，因此她沒能和子女有所溝通。因此，我們無從得知（美國的家庭隔閡）是否也有這一趨勢。但我們能夠確定，家庭成員之間互不聯繫是常見的現象。她說：「父母和子女之間並沒有就不愉快的事情進行溝通，我認為他們根本沒有達成共識。」如果一方拒絕或者不願意傾聽，那麼這個溝通顯然是無效的。
Bland sees this disconnect as stemming from how the generations have very different conceptions of family.
布蘭德認為，這種脫節源自兩代人對家庭的不同看法。
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不同時代的人，對於家庭的定義有所不同（Credit: BBC/Getty）
「There was a rigidity about family in the post-war generation」 in the UK, she says. People saw their family relationships in terms of concepts of duty and self-sacrifice, which sometimes meant people putting up with emotional or physical abuse – or not perceiving it.
她說：「戰後一代的英國家庭觀念僵化。」他們認為，家庭意味著責任和自我犧牲。即使有精神虐待或身體虐待，他們也會默默忍受，有時候甚至沒有覺察。
For siblings, mismatched values and expectations also play a role. But parental favouritism is another significant factor.
兄弟姐妹之間產生的隔閡，也有價值觀不同和期望差距的原因。但重要的因素還是父母的偏愛。
Estrangement’s upsides
家庭關係疏離的益處While it could be easy to see estrangement as solely negative, the reality is more complicated. Just as traditional taboos against divorce can keep women tethered to abusive and exploitative marriages, a dogmatic belief in the sanctity of families can keep people suffering needlessly.
人們很容易發現家庭關係疏遠消極的一面，但事實要比較複雜。正如反對離婚的傳統觀念會使女性深陷虐待和被剝削的婚姻束縛一樣；將家庭觀念奉為神聖會讓人們承受不必要的痛苦。
「Some of the clinical literature would say, actually, estrangement is maybe the best way to deal with these types of relationships,」 says Gilligan. 「If [relationships] are this conflictual, if they’re causing this much anguish… maybe this is the healthiest way for parents and adult children to deal with that.」
吉利根說：「實際上，一些臨床文獻表示，疏遠能最有效地解決關係中存在的問題。如果這段關係中常有衝突，或是令人痛苦……減少聯繫和來往是最好的解決方式。」
People can feel that cutting out toxic relationships was the right choice. The Stand Alone report found that, for more than 80% of people affected, choosing to end contact is associated with at least some positive outcomes like freedom and independence. It can be a crucial step away from a legacy of abuse.
斷絕有害的關係，普遍認為是正確的選擇。「Stand Alone」組織有一項報告指出，斷絕聯繫後有80%的家庭能感受到積極的作用，如自由、獨立等。這可能是擺脫虐待的關鍵所在。
圖像來源, BBC/GETTY
斷絕聯繫後有80%的家能或多或少地感受到其中的積極作用，如自由、獨立等（Credit: BBC/Getty）
It’s also important to note that estrangement isn’t always permanent; people cycle in and out of distance and reunification. Nor are conflicts always with every other member of a family. Trang Nguyen, a public health researcher at Johns Hopkins University, comments that among Vietnamese families where there’s parental rejection of LGBT women or trans men, 「usually siblings are closer, and a supportive sibling helps a lot」.
有一點需要指出：家庭成員斷絕來往並不是永遠的，人們常在產生隔閡與和解之間反覆。家庭衝突也不會僅針對其中某一位成員。約翰霍普金斯大學（Johns Hopkins University）的公共衛生研究員阮橋莊（Trang Nguyen）說，越南父母對於LGBT中的女性和跨性別男性（女變男）接受度低。「一般來說越南家庭兄弟姐妹之間的關係更親密，如果能有兄弟姐妹的支持，對於個體來說也會有很大幫助。」
Family estrangement is painful partly because it’s an ambiguous loss, one without finality or closure. It’s also one many other people don’t understand.
家庭成員疏遠的痛苦，讓人有一種莫名的悵然若失感，這種感覺會伴隨始終。這也是沒經歷過的人所不能理解的。
「There definitely seems to be consequences of estrangement psychologically, but maybe the consequence is the stigma,」 Gilligan says. In other words, cutting off contact with a family member might be most painful because of the way society misunderstands and attaches shame to it.
吉利根說：「被家庭疏遠，會產生很多心理上的陰影。可能是由恥辱感所產生的。」換句話說，徹底和家庭成員斷絕聯繫，可能是最為痛苦的。因為會被社會和其他人所誤解，認為這麼做很可恥。
One online article aimed at pensioners blames individualism, divorce culture, psychotherapy, and 「a child’s immaturity」 for estrangement. Even therapists commonly blame, dismiss or disbelieve their patients who are describing estrangement. Women are especially likely to be stigmatised. Some people limit their social interactions to avoid discussing family.
網上一篇針對退休老人的文章，將家庭成員疏遠歸咎於個人主義、離婚文化、心理疾病以及子女的不成熟。有時候，甚至治療師也會責備、拒絕或者乾脆不相信遭家庭疏遠者所講述的，女性尤其容易受到責備。有些人甚至會減少社交頻率，以避免討論家庭話題。
But experts say that people who are already isolated from their families shouldn’t be made to feel even more alienated over their situation – whether it was one over which they had little control, or a decision unlikely to have been reached lightly. From an academic standpoint, the stigma also makes it hard to know exactly how many people are estranged from their families. It’s especially likely to be under-reported in cultures where it’s socially unacceptable to discuss family conflict.
專家表示，對於已經斷絕家庭聯繫的人，無論這種斷絕是否出於自願，人們最好不要加深他們的疏遠感。從學術角度來看，社會的責備加大了統計家庭疏遠受害者人數的難度。在社會不接受公開討論家庭衝突的文化中，統計數字也是不準確的。
Cookbook author Godbole is familiar with that stigma. 「I have accepted that it may take a while for people to come around, and some never may,」 she says. 「I am OK with that.」
美食作家戈德博爾對這種恥辱感並不陌生。她說：「我承認，人們可能需要一段時間才會改變看法，有些人可能永遠都不會。」
Estrangement, it seems, doesn’t always need to be 「fixed」. But as with other painful experiences, the shame of the situation might.
由此看來，與家人斷絕關係並不是非「修復」不可。和其他痛苦的經歷相似的是，因為與家人斷絕關係而產生的恥辱感才是一定要修復的。