作者：簡.尼爾森博士（正面管教創始人之一）
轉自：www.positivediscipline.com
翻譯：鄢李星(正面管教家長講師，佛山)
此工具卡告訴大家當孩子發脾氣的時候可以給他們一個擁抱，但當我們真正理解擁抱的原則之後，就會發現孩子發脾氣並不是我們唯一可以擁抱的時候。待會我會分享卡中例子的緣由，不過現在我想先分享瑪麗·沃德路（Mary Wardlow）關於擁抱的一個故事：
擁抱的力量
我的女兒瑪蒂森（Madisyn），是一個意志力非常強的6歲孩子，一天早上她不想起床去上學。作為意志力同樣很強的我可以感受到戰爭正在醞釀之中——我下定決心要避免這場戰鬥。我反覆耐心地叫她起床，讓她做好準備。我甚至還為她選好了衣服，希望她可以快一點（一個錯誤，這將在後面解釋）。不過，她拒絕起床。我語氣和善的提醒她提醒她，如果再不起來就會錯過校車了。
她坐起來，看著她的衣服，尖叫著，「我不想穿這件衣服！」她的語氣是那麼討厭，我發現我都快不知道怎麼組織語言了，但我還是去她的房間挑選了另外兩套衣服讓她可以選擇。我說：「我放了三套衣服在這，你可以選擇一套穿上。」當我快走出臥室時，她回擊道：「我想要四套！」
我當時惱羞成怒，不過接下來發生的一切讓我們倆都震驚了。我走過去對她說，「瑪蒂森，我會把你抱起來，和你擁抱一會兒，我愛你……等我抱完你之後，我希望你自己選好衣服穿上。」
等我抱起她，用我的雙臂環繞她時，我感覺她整個人都融化在我的懷抱裡。她的態度立刻軟化下來，我也是的。那一刻我是如此震驚，就那麼幾秒鐘，因為我選擇擁抱了當時並不怎麼令人喜愛的孩子，形式就發生了巨大的變化。
你在演講中談到了用擁抱平息失控的孩子的作用。我的經驗證明你是絕對正確的，謝謝你把擁抱的力量教導給別人！
後來瑪麗發現如果她讓女兒在前一天晚上挑選自己的衣服會減少第二天早上的慌亂。因為這樣做她覺得自己對自己有掌控權，而不是總被告知該怎麼做，總是被告知只會帶來反叛。這個例子說明，即使擁抱可以用來聯結關係並改變行為，但是一些不當行為，其實在初期就可以用將主動權交給孩子的方法來避免——例如挑選自己喜歡的衣服。
發脾氣和擁抱
現在，要講講關於給發脾氣的小孩一個擁抱的例子。我看過鮑勃·布拉德伯裡博士製作的《理智馬戲團》，他曾在西雅圖製作這個節目多年。在《理智馬戲團》裡，布拉德伯裡博士會在一大群觀眾面前採訪家長或老師。在採訪過程中，他會決定孩子的錯誤目的，然後提出給這些孩子鼓勵和能量的建議。鮑勃分享了下面的故事（我現在按照我的記憶來複述那段視頻的內容）。
一位父親想知道該怎麼應付自己總是發脾氣的四歲兒子——史蒂芬。在和那位父親交談一會後，布拉德伯裡博士認為那位兒子的錯誤目的是被誤導的權力，布拉德伯裡博士建議：「你為什麼不向你的兒子提供一個擁抱呢？」
父親對這個建議感到迷惑，他說：「這樣做不會強化他的不當行為嗎？」
布拉德伯裡博士說，「我不這麼認為，你是否願意嘗試一下，下周讓我們知道發生了什麼事嗎？」
父親猶豫地同意了，然而，接下來的一周，他說，果然，史蒂芬發脾氣了。他蹲下來看著兒子說：「我需要一個擁抱。」
史蒂芬大聲哭泣問：「什麼？」
爸爸反覆說：「我需要一個擁抱。」
史蒂芬還在抽泣，但難以置信地問：「現在？？？」
爸爸說：「是的，現在的」
史蒂芬停止了抽泣，不情願地答應：「哦。」他生硬地給了他的父親一個擁抱，幾秒鐘後，他融化在父親的懷裡。
之後，他們擁抱了幾秒鐘，爸爸說：「謝謝。我真的很需要這個擁抱。」
史蒂芬抽泣了一下，說：「我也是的。」
關於這個故事有幾點我想說明一下。你也許會奇怪，為什麼父親說，「我需要一個擁抱」，而不是「你需要一個擁抱。」
1）由於這個例子中的錯誤目的是「被誤導的權力。」如果他說他的兒子需要一個擁抱，他的兒子很有可能說：「不，我不需要。」這樣只會加強權力鬥爭。如果說他的父親需要一個擁抱，史蒂芬怎麼可以拒絕呢？
2）兒童與生俱來就願意做出貢獻。貢獻提供了歸屬感、重要感和能力。即使開始有點勉強，但史蒂芬真的想把擁抱「給」他的父親。
3）兒童感覺越好就會有越好的行為。一旦史蒂芬通過給父親一個擁抱而感覺更好後，他就不再發脾氣，放棄權力鬥爭，並享有與父親的擁抱。
4）行為不當的孩子是一個缺乏鼓勵的孩子。在面對惱人的、具有挑戰性的、或傷人的行為時，可能很難讓我們記住這一點。由於這個原因，這個方法有助於我們對這個行為有計劃，這是一種模式。
5）正面管教的主要理念是先聯結再修正。擁抱是一種建立聯結的好方法，但不是唯一的方法。我會提到其他的幾種可能性：
1）簡單驗證孩子的感受。 「你現在感覺很心煩。」然後退一步，在你孩子自己經歷這一切時給予大力支持。
2）指出發生了什麼事情，然後提供一種替代。例如： 「在我看來，我們正處在一場權力鬥爭。我愛你，我認為我們可以在大家冷靜之後找到一個雙贏的解決方案。」或者，「我知道你現在很想得到我的關注。我愛你，我現在沒有時間，但我很期待我們7:30的特殊時間。」（當然，這需要事先規劃，以確保你已經和孩子設定了特殊時間）。
3）出其不意。不直接回應孩子挑戰性的行為，而是問孩子：「你知道我是真的愛你嗎？」這有時會停止孩子的不當行為，因為他們對你的問題/陳述表示驚訝，並可能從中感到歸屬感和價值感，然後因為「感覺更好，而做的更好。」
還有許多其他方法和孩子們建立聯結，並幫助孩子覺得更好，所以他們會做的更好。然而，最主要的是我們要知道正面管教工具卡不是一個技術，而是一個準則。技術是很窄的，而且經常不起作用。準則更廣、更深，而且有許多方法可以適用原則。用你的心與智慧就會知道如何用這些準則來進行先聯結再修正、專注於解決方案、賦予孩子能量——擁抱——這甚至例子更好。
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轉載請註明：
作者：簡.尼爾森博士（正面管教創始人之一）
轉自：www.positivediscipline.com
翻譯：鄢李星(正面管教家長講師，佛山)
源自公眾號：正面管教之家
微信號：PD-Home
Positive Discipline Tool Card Series 30—Hugs:
By Dr. Jane Nelsen
From www.positivediscipline.com
This tool card provides an example of asking for a hug when a child is having a temper tantrum, but that is certainly not the only time a hug can be an appropriate intervention when you understand the principle of hugs. Later, I』ll share where the example on the card came from; but first I want to share another example illustrated in a story shared by Mary Wardlow:
The Power of a Hug
My daughter Madisyn, who is a wonderfully strong-willed six-year-old child, didn't want to get up and get ready for school one morning. Being a strong-willed individual myself, I could sense a battle of wills brewing—though I was determined to avoid it. I repeatedly asked her nicely to get up and get herself ready. I even picked out her clothes so she could move a little faster [a mistake that will be explained later]. Still, she refused to move. I reminded her, still nicely, that the bus would be at our house soon, and if she didn't get dressed she was going to miss it.
She sat up, looked at her clothes, and screamed, "I don't want to wear that!" Her tone was so nasty that I found it hard to keep myself composed, but I went to her room and picked out two other outfits so she could choose which one she wanted to wear. I announced to her, "I laid out three sets of clothes. You need to pick one and get dressed." I had almost made it to the bedroom exit when she fired back "I WANT FOUR!"
I was so angry at that point; and what came next surprised both of us. I walked over to her and said, "Madisyn, I am going to pick you up, hold you, hug you and love you...and when I am done you are going to get up, choose an outfit and get dressed."
When I picked her up and put my arms around her I felt her just melt in my arms. Her attitude softened immediately and so did mine. That moment was amazing to me. A volatile situation turned warm in a few seconds—just because I chose to hug a child who was at that moment so un-huggable.
In your lecture you talked about the power of a hug to calm down an out-of-control child. I've learned first-hand that you were absolutely right. Thank you for teaching others about the power of a hug!
Later Mary learned that the morning hassles could be reduced if her daughter picked out her own clothes the night before as part of her bedtime routine. This would help her feel capable instead of being told what to do, which invited rebellion. This example illustrates that even though hugs work to create a connection and change behavior, some misbehavior can be avoided by getting children involved in ways that helps them use their power in useful ways—for example picking out their own clothes.
Tantrums and Hugs
Now for the story that led to the example of asking for a hug when a child is having a temper tantrum. I watched a video of Dr. Bob Bradbury, who facilitated the 「Sanity Circus」 in Seattle, WA for many years. During Sanity Circus, Dr. Bradbury would interview a parent or teacher in front of a large audience. During the interview he would determine the mistaken goal of the child and would then suggest an intervention that might help the discouraged child feel encouraged and empowered. Bob shared the following example (which I am now telling in my words from my memory of what I saw on the video).
A father wondered what to do about his four-year-old, Steven, who often engaged in tempter tantrums. After talking with the father for a while, and determining that the mistaken goal was misguided power, Dr. Bradbury suggested, 「Why don’t you ask your son for a hug.」
The father was bewildered by this suggestion. He replied, 「Wouldn’t that be reinforcing the misbehavior?」
Dr. Bradbury said, 「I don’t think so. Are you willing to try it and next week let us know what happens?」
The father agreed with misgivings. However, the next week he reported that, sure enough, Steven had a temper tantrum. Dad got down to his son’s eye level and said, 「I need a hug.」
Between loud sobs, Steven asked, 「What?」
Dad repeated, 「I need a hug.」
Steven was still sobbing but managed to ask incredulously, 「Now????」
Dad said, 「Yes, now」
Steven stopped sobbing and said, reluctantly, 「Oh all right,」 as he stiffly gave his father a hug. In a few seconds he just melted into his fathers arms.
After they hugged for a few more seconds, Dad said, 「Thanks. I really needed that.」
Steven sniffled a bit and said, 「So did I.」
There are a few points I want to make about this story. You may wonder why the father said, 「I need a hug,」 instead of, 「You need a hug.」
1) Since the mistaken goal in this case was 「misguided power.」 To suggest that his son needed a hug would like invite him to say, 「No I don’t,」 and only intensify the power struggle. How could Steven argue with the fact that his father needed a hug?
2) Children have an innate desire to contribute. Contribution provides feelings of belonging, significance, and capability. Steven really wanted to 「give」 to his father, even though begrudgingly at first.
3) Children do better when they feel better. Once Steven felt better by giving his father a hug, he let go of his tantrum and the power struggle and enjoyed the hug with his father.
4) A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. It can be difficult to remember this when faced with annoying, challenging, or hurtful behavior. For this reason it helps to have a plan for behavior that is a pattern.
5) A primary philosophy of Positive Discipline is Connection before Correction. A hug is a great way to make a connection, but not the only way. I will mention a few more of the many possibilities:
1) Simply validate your child’s feelings. 「You are feeling really upset right now.」 Then step back and give energetic support while your child works through it.
2) Name what is happening and then offer an alternative. For example:
「It seems to me that we are in a power struggle right now. I love you and know we can work on a win/win solution if we wait until we calm down.」 Or,
「I can see you really want my attention right now. I love you and I don’t have time right now but I’m looking forward to our special time at 7:30.」 (Of course, this requires advance planning to make sure you have set up scheduled, special time with your children.
3) Do the unexpected. Instead of reacting to the challenging behavior, ask your child. 「Do you know I really love you?」 This sometimes stops the misbehavior because your child is so surprised by your question/statement, and may feel enough belonging and significance from that simple statement to 「feel better and do better.」
There are many other possibilities to make a connection and to help children feel better so they』ll do better. However, the main point is to see all of the Positive Discipline Tool cards NOT as techniques, but as principles. Techniques are very narrow and often don’t work. A principle is wider and deeper—and there are many ways to apply a principle. Go into your heart and your wisdom and you』ll know how to apply the principles of connection before correction, focusing on solutions, empowering children—and hugs—that are even better than the examples.
Posting by Positive Discipline Home
Permitted by Dr. Nelsen
轉載請註明：
作者：簡.尼爾森博士（正面管教創始人之一）
轉自：www.positivediscipline.com
公眾號：正面管教之家
微信號：PD-Home
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