小夥伴們大家好，歡迎來到本期的「國外也有段子手」！上周的歐洲足壇精彩看點層出不窮，曼城點勝切爾西奪得聯賽杯，凱帕拒絕下場引發爭議。歐冠賽場，利物浦與拜仁、巴薩與裡昂均互交白卷，馬競主場戰勝尤文，曼城則逆轉戰勝沙爾克04。歐聯杯中，切爾西和阿森納得以晉級下一輪。周末聯賽，雙紅會以平局收場，而阿森納、皇馬、巴薩、米蘭等球隊則紛紛取勝。好了，話不多說，讓我們快來看看歪果仁們的精彩吐槽吧！
Gungerz(曼聯球迷)：薩裡為啥不讓伊瓜因去踢個點球？(Why Sarri didn't let Higuain take one?)
Kashin(荷蘭球迷)：薩裡讓他去了，但是凱帕不同意啊！(Sarri told him to but Kepa wouldn't allow it.)
Hunchovis(未知主隊球迷)：這場鬧劇在IMDB 上都有9.8的評分了，《權利的遊戲》那就是個弟弟！(Pure entertainment. 9.8 on IMDB. Fuck Game of Thrones.)
Alessio321(未知主隊球迷)：《權力的遊戲》肯定沒人看啦，除非最後登上鐵王座的是凱帕！(No one would watch GOT again unless Kepa claims the iron throne.)
Envague(曼聯球迷)：真遺憾，凱帕痛失執教切爾西奪得首冠的機會啊！(Pity, Kepa Arrizabalaga loses his first trophy as Chelsea manager.)
Borgatronification(阿森納球迷)：英國已經終止脫歐計劃了，因為凱帕不同意！(UK to cancel Brexit as Arrizabalaga refuses to leave.)
Dirgetka(利茲聯球迷)：「效力西伯利亞隊是我兒時以來的夢想。」——2019年6月，凱帕如是說。("It's always been a lifelong dream of mine to play for Siberia" - Kepa in June 2019.)
LegendaryMemeBo(皇馬球迷)：這要是我在玩FM，凱帕就得被下放到U19青年隊，在他剩餘的合同期限內，都得被安排密集訓練成前鋒！(If this was FM, I'd put him with the U-19s and put him on an intense training regime to be a striker for the rest of his contract.)
OrangeSyringe(曼城球迷)：看到卡巴列羅要出場真是嚇尿我了，畢竟他對我們球員是那麼了解，幸好我們的臥底凱帕神勇地站了出來。(I was so scared when Caballero got ready. He probably knows the players very well. Thank God our agent Kepa stood out.)
Unicallthrowaway(未知主隊球迷)：凱帕現在可以說是曼城名宿了…(Kepa is a City Legend now.)
Hieillua(未知主隊球迷)：想像一下凱帕對西蒙尼或加圖索做出這種事…(Imagine if Kepa did this to Simeone or Gatusso.)
carpie101(切爾西球迷)：那估計以後就只能去監獄探望我們的教練了…(Then we could only see our coach in the jail.)
LosTerminators(西班牙球迷)：凱帕不就是來填補庫爾圖瓦的空缺嗎，所以他也就像褲襪一樣狗了…(He arrived as a replacement for Courtois, so he decided to be a snake like him.)
Geronimo8(切爾西球迷)：和凱帕相比，我覺得庫爾圖瓦這人也挺好的…(Courtois becomes a good man compared with Kepa.)
Zakar1ya(切爾西球迷)：其實點球大戰輸球我還挺高興的，這樣凱帕就不能拿這個給自己辯解了…(I'm almost glad that we lost that just so that Kepa doesn't feel vindicated for acting in such a way.)
Byhoskyy(AC米蘭球迷)：凱帕還需要啥辯解啊，他不都已經當上教練了嗎？(He doesn’t need vindication, he is now the manager.)
Harkoncito(皇馬球迷)：上半賽季的梗都是曼聯帶來的，下半賽季又換成切爾西了，好期待賽季結束時又會變成誰的梗呢？(First half of the season, United brought the drama. In the second half it's Chelsea's turn. I wonder what the writers will give us for the finale.)
Tugays_Tabs(布萊克本球迷)：當然是利物浦掉鏈子啦！(Liverpool fucking it up.)
iNS0MNiA_uK(利物浦球迷)：額，這不是每年都會發生的事嗎？(…but that happens every season.)
Wilsec(曼聯球迷)：我敢保證要是場上切爾西只有坎特一人，最後的比分還會是0-0！(Pretty sure if Kante was the only Chelsea player on the pitch it would still be 0-0.)
MagicalMesut(阿森納球迷)：上次不就只有坎特一人麼，結果輸了0-6…(Right like last time when it was 6-0 in the end?)
Username3009(未知主隊球迷)：還真是第一次見隊醫的活動熱圖範圍比球員都要大的…(This is going to be the first instance where the physios have a larger heat map than the players in the match.)
Aidsfart_(阿森納球迷)：作為這場比賽的觀眾，我都開始擔心自己會不會受傷了…(Terrified that I will get injured watching the game.)
(圖)：曼聯隊醫本場比賽熱點圖
justh0nest(斯裡蘭卡球迷)：照這樣下去，曼聯和利物浦只能合夥湊11人來踢剩下的比賽了…(At this rate, United and Liverpool will have to play a combined XI for the next couple of fixtures.)
Modini(曼聯球迷)：這場比賽的劇本是喬治-馬丁寫的吧！(This match was written by George RR Martin.)
(註：喬治-馬丁是《權力的遊戲》作者)
DatGuy100(英格蘭球迷)：去年12月才復出的科斯切爾尼，對陣聯賽前6的進球都已經比薩拉赫多了…(Koscielny has more goals against top 6 sides than Salah and he was out until December.)
ZakkTheChimp(伯恩利球迷)：牛逼啊，要知道科斯切爾尼根本沒機會面對阿森納的死亡後防線啊！(Impressive because he didn’t even get to play against that horrible Arsenal defence.)
IanCaesars(利物浦球迷)：萬萬沒想到，這場比賽最具威脅的進攻對決竟然是馬蒂普VS斯莫林…(Hard to believe the best attacking option is Matip vs Smalling.)
Wicksy92(雷丁球迷)：上半場就有5人受傷了，奇怪的是斯圖裡奇竟然不在其中…(5 players injured in the first half and Sturridge isn't one of them. Unreal.)
Ilovetennis247(未知主隊球迷)：如果你曾效力於利物浦、曼城或者利茲聯其中任何一支球隊，你都會成為堅定的反曼聯主義者；如果這3支球隊你都效力過，那你就是...米爾納...(If you played for one of Liverpool, Man City, or Leeds, you'd have a rivalry with Man United. If you played for all three, you'd be James Milner.)
Idontlikethisstuff(阿森納球迷)：活久見啊，我們竟然能在上半場進球了，而且還一進進倆？(We're allowed to score in the first half? Twice??? This is new.)
Ixoyefish(阿森納球迷)：現在還是不敢相信，我們竟然成了桑切斯交易中受益的一方…(still cant believe we got the better part of that sanchez deal.)
Mojambowhatisthescen(阿森納球迷)：我們是在和自己的後防線踢比賽麼…(Are we playing against our own defence? :)
3200-microwave(未知主隊球迷)：和南安普頓的後防線相比，穆斯塔菲都變成內少的級別了…(Southampton's defence makes Mustafi look like Nesta level.)
the_studge(利物浦球迷)：握日哦，這不就是你玩FIFA的時候電腦硬進的那種不講理的球嗎？(Holy fuck, this looks like those unfair goals the FIFA AI just scores against you.)
NBLSS(阿森納球迷)：呵呵，650球，50個帽子戲法，你用FIFA都玩不出來…(Well, 650th goal. 50th hat trick. This is not even possible on fifa.)
Nibbaheem(未知主隊球迷)：跟巴薩踢球不要穿白色球衣，這咋就記不住呢？(Just don't wear white when playing against Barca. Is it so hard to remember?)
Mojambowhatisthescen(阿森納球迷)：塞維亞球迷都不知道是為梅西碾碎自己的主隊而難過，還是為能見證史上最佳踢球而高興了…(Sevilla fans don't know whether to cry because Messi keeps murdering them, or be happy they're watching the GOAT do what only he can!)
poop-901(未知主隊球迷)：梅西簡直比拆彈專家還要冷酷啊！(Messi is cooler than a bomb disposal expert.)
Ph4sor(未知主隊球迷)：梅西一定進入吸血鬼名人堂了，因為他總能一血封喉…(He belong in a vampire hall because he always draws blood.)
Griezzy(未知主隊球迷)：這幾個月皮克在進攻時的盤帶和跑位，看起來比蘇亞雷斯要靠譜多了…(Pique’s dribbling/run in attack looked better than anything Suarez has done in months.)
myvirginityisstrong(未知主隊球迷)：梅西真的太牛逼了，給蘇亞雷斯都能送助攻進球…(Messi is so good he can even make Suarez score.)
Adamanthium(巴薩球迷)：看到蘇亞雷斯的一腳觸球，盧卡庫都笑了。(Lukaku watching Suarez with pride with those first touches.)
nexus1011(未知主隊球迷)：巴薩的進攻太缺乏想像力了，不就是傳給梅西然後就看他進球嗎！(Barca's attack is no imagination at all. Only solution is to pass it to Messi and watch him to score.)
OneWordMan86ya(未知主隊球迷)：如果梅西是塞維亞球員，他們早就贏6-0了…(If Messi was in Sevilla, they would have won 6-0.)
patw420(西雅圖球迷)：西甲聯賽十來年的總結就是，一支球隊有梅西，而其他球隊沒有。(Story of La Liga in the last decade is one team had Messi, the others didn’t.)
(圖)：梅西本場比賽熱點圖。註：goat/山羊，為greatest of all time/史上最佳的縮寫
LarryPeru(巴薩球迷)：對我們而言最佳球員就是梅西，排第二的是受傷的梅西。(The best player for us is Lionel Messi. The second best player is Lionel Messi injured.)
LavenderClouds(西班牙球迷)：看塞維亞的比賽，就像是在看一場慢鏡頭的車禍一樣…(Watching Sevilla play is like watching a car crash in slow motion.)
裁判引爭議，皇馬2-1萊萬特FFredde(瑞典球迷)：裁判吹成這個樣子，也是要禁賽的吧！(Refs should get suspended for shitty decisions like this.)
met5abel(皇馬球迷)：當時人們還笑話我們沒有引進C羅的替代者，其實他們不知道，我們已經免籤了VAR！(People were laughing at us when we didn't replace Ronaldo. Little did they know we got VAR on a free transfer.)
Azaghtooth(皇馬球迷)：尤文這下怕是要涼了啊，馬競下回合不得排個10-0-0陣型出來…(Cant see juve coming back from this , atleti will probably play 10-0-0 in the 2nd leg.)
Sidorovich123(馬競球迷)：看來我們要連續淘汰尤文、巴薩、拜仁，然後又在決賽裡輸給皇馬了！(We gonna knock out Juve, Barca, Bayern and loose Finals against real madrid)
PersonFromPlace(阿森納球迷)：西蒙尼平時總是穿這件黑色外套嗎，看起來好像是披上黑衣的守夜人…(Does Diego Simeone always wear a jacket that makes it look like he’s taken up the black at the Night’s Watch?)
Kriskobg(皇馬球迷)：看見C羅在尤文踢球，還是會讓我感到像看見深愛的前女友在和別的男人逛街…(Seeing Ronaldo on Juventus still feels like seeing an ex you love with another man on the street.)
VolumeIs(未知主隊球迷)：就看下場博努奇帽子戲法大逆轉了！(Wait for bonucci’s hattrick.)
sass0(AC米蘭球迷)：同時效力過國米、尤文和米蘭，又同時被這三家球迷都不待見的，恐怕只有博努奇一人了吧…(bonucci is probably the only player that has played for inter, juve, and milan and universally hated by all 3 fanbases.)
屢失良機，巴薩0-0裡昂Askale1(阿森納球迷)：挺公平的，裡昂沒上費基爾，巴薩也沒上前鋒啊！(Fair game. Lyon missed Fekir and Barcelona missed a striker.)
Hare712(位置是主隊球迷)：是莫拉塔在戴著蘇亞雷斯的面具踢球吧…(It was Morata with a Suarez mask!)
Indorsus (巴薩球迷)：蘇亞雷斯的射門，就像是喝醉酒後和想老婆大和諧，卻找不到*嗶*一樣…(Suarez’s shot is like when you are drunk and can't find your wife’s p*ssy.)
Themanyfaceasian(未知主隊球迷)：好想念哈維，如果你不知道該怎麼和老婆辦事，你就把老婆傳給他就行了…(I miss Xavi. If I had a wife and didn’t know what to do with her, I』d pass her to Xavi as well.)
affenhirn1(巴薩球迷)：哪怕你用我5歲的弟弟來頂替蘇亞雷斯的位置，你也不會發現有啥區別！(You could replace Suarez with my 5 yo brother and you wouldn't notice the difference.)
iskaon(巴薩球迷)：那可未必啊，有那麼多機會，你弟弟沒準還真能踢進去一個…(no, ur brother would prob score one of those chances.)
idiot_masiello(未知主隊球迷)：最令我震驚的是，布斯克茨竟然都有2腳射正…(Most shocking thing about this game was that Busquets had two shots on target.)
Barcaholic(巴薩球迷)：當球隊最好的射門機會是布斯克茨完成的時候，你就知道咱踢得是多麼膈應了…(You know things are bad when Busi produces your best scoring chance.)
XeroVeil(德國球迷)：尼瑪，禁區旁邊這堆傳球都把我嚇老15歲了…(Fuck me this passing around in our box is going to age me 15 years tonight.)
Tcariappa(利物浦球迷)：這比賽對我的傷害太大了，無論是心臟還是菊花…(I seriously don't think this is good for my heart and asshole.)
distantapplause(未知主隊球迷)：看這表現，第二回合兩隊應該都被淘汰才對…(On this evidence both teams will be eliminated in the second leg.)
NoHome8(阿森納球迷)：好不容易才勸我從不看球的美國朋友來看這場比賽，還說這場比賽是多麼有激情，現在他們看我就像傻子一樣…(told my american friends who don’t watch football to watch this because it would be very exciting. Now they must think I am an idiot.)
Jack_ADTR(熱刺球迷)：阿迪達斯每年都把最好的設計給拜仁了嗎，為什麼他們的球衣總是這麼好看…(I believe adidas always saves their most original design for Bayern. Their kits are awesome every year.)
kirkland3000(帕爾梅拉斯球迷)：要是拉菲尼亞在等待上場的時候再抓幾次蛋蛋，恐怕就得被控耍流氓而罰款了…(I feel like if Rafinha touched his nuts any more while waiting to come on, he'd be charged with public indecency.)
CruschSenpai(沙爾克04球迷)：對不起曼城球迷們，但你們要相信，我們是根本沒有錢去收買裁判的…(I'm sorry City fans but it's impossible that we bought the ref. We don't have any fucking money.)
SomersetMackem(未知主隊球迷)：想像一下熱刺成了唯一一支進歐冠8強的英超球隊…(Banter when Spurs are the only english team in the quarters.)
DNorth_(多特蒙德球迷)：這真是幾周以來多特球迷最開心的一天了…(The best thing to happen to a Dortmund fan the last couple of weeks.)
kokin33(希洪競技球迷)：奧塔門迪沒法踢第二回合，這對曼城而言是好消息吧…(the good thing for City is Otamendi won't play the 2nd leg.)
ommstarofficial(未知主隊球迷)：等到埃德森退役的時候，說不定都能攢足夠多的助攻來出一個集錦了…(By the end of his career, Ederson probably could have enough assists to justify an assist compilation.)
mitorandiro(科林蒂安球迷)：我還在等埃德森作為中場的首次亮相呢，簡直就是巴西皮爾洛！(Still eagerly waiting for Ederson's midfield debut. Brazilian Pirlo.)
TheRedditSeyed(未知主隊球迷)：薩內的任意球弧線，簡直比卡戴珊的屁屁還要漂亮啊！(Sane’s free kick is curvier than a Kardashian’s butt.)
Rooonaldooo99(未知主隊球迷)：勇敢做自己！但如果你是沙爾克，那還是隨便換個別的人生吧…(Always be yourselves, unless you are Schalke, then be literally anyone else.)
Dawnsday(阿森納球迷)：大衛擊敗了歌利亞，而我們終於戰勝了強敵鮑裡索夫！(David beat Goliath and finally we're up over the mighty BATE borisov.)
Shinwha(利物浦球迷)：想要在歐聯杯擊敗埃梅裡，的確是一種奢求。(You cant beat Emery in Europa League.)
Aidsfart_(阿森納球迷)：好奇怪，賽後的評論區怎麼這麼冷清啊？(Genuinely surprised that this thread isn’t bustling with life.)
BludFlairUpFam(未知主隊球迷)：那是因為阿森納沒輸球…(If Arsenal lost it will be.)
JurijFedorov(西班牙球迷)：穆斯塔菲真是殺手本色啊，這輪歐戰的進球比梅西C羅加起來都多！(Mustafi scoring more than Messi and Ronaldo combined this round. He has a killer instinct.)
NotClayMerritt(切爾西球迷)：5年了，這還是我們第一次在歐戰淘汰賽晉級…(We've advanced in a European competition for the first time in almost 5 years.)
MistaChelseaa(切爾西球迷)：在歐聯杯我們應該不會再碰見曼城了吧…(We will not face city in this league right?)
Xarxesmysterio(未知主隊球迷)：這世界上沒有什麼事情可以避免，除了死亡、稅收和薩裡用巴克利換下科瓦契奇。(3 certainties in life: death, taxes and Sarri subbing Kovacic for Barkley.)
HEELinKayfabe(凱爾特人球迷)：上次看到像今天的切爾西這麼差的球隊，還是上周看切爾西踢球的時候。(Chelsea are the worst team I've seen since the last time I saw Chelsea.)
Gpeirqaured(西班牙球迷)：說實話切爾西也在進步好吧，從半場0-4曼城，到全場僅僅0-2曼聯！(Tbf to Chelsea, they have really improved a lot. From being 4-0 down to City in 1st half to being only 2-0 down to United.)
Chokyx(利物浦球迷)：據說若日尼奧就是某秘密黑客組織的領頭人呢，畢竟他自帶隱身屬性…(Rumours are that Jorgeinho is the leader of the hacker group Anonymous, the guy is so invisible…)
Va3V1ctis(未知主隊球迷)：若日尼奧簡直鬼才啊，既是唯一一個不會防守的義大利人，也是唯一一個不會盤帶的巴西人…(Is Jorginho the only Italian that can’t defend and the only Brazilian that can’t dribble? Truly a special talent!)
(註：若日尼奧出生在巴西，後來又獲得義大利國籍)
danyul91(曼聯球迷)：終於看到一支比我們防守還爛的球隊，還是挺高興的…(It's so nice to finally watch a team with more defensive weaknesses than ours.)
Rudygha(阿森納球迷)：那我猜你肯定沒看過阿森納的比賽…(guessing you don't watch Arsenal then.)
princepersona1(切爾西球迷)：這些天作為切爾西球迷真是煩透了，一有比賽就要被人笑話…(Damn it's a hard job being a Chelsea supporter these days. Being made fun of after every match day.)
opulent_chaos(阿森納球迷)：現在你明白我們這麼多年來的感受了吧…(Imagine what it feels like to be an arsenal fan for years.)
皮揚特克進球，AC米蘭3-0恩波利CruyffsPlan(巴薩球迷)：要是皮揚特克沒進球，那才能算得上大新聞。(It would be a sensation if Piatek doesn’t score in a game.)
fingers-crossed(貝蒂斯球迷)：我從泰國的監獄蹲了5年，剛被放出來，我想問皮揚特克就是現在世界最佳球員嗎？(I've been in a Thai prison for the last 5 years, is Piatek the best player in the world?)
G3nzo(AC米蘭球迷)：我就不明白，我咋就忽然改變了性取向呢？(Why am I all of a sudden questioning my sexuality?)
ALLGROWWITHLOVE(AC米蘭球迷)：要是皮揚特克能讓你連續硬3個小時以上，記得去看醫生哦！(Call your doctor if Piatek makes your erection last more than 3 hours Milan fans.)
Maxinh0(國米球迷)：很明顯啊，丹布羅西奧的奶頭不就是他第三隻手嗎，判點球很合理！(apparently D'Ambrosios nipple is his third arm, absolutely a penalty.)
0fiuco(AC米蘭球迷)：VAR給個點球還能拖這麼長時間啊，那前兩天小羅馬踢羅馬比賽的那個點球應該在有效時間內吧，我還在等著呢！(i'm still waiting for VAR to call the penalty on Romagnoli against Roma, considering the time it takes for VAr to get a decision i'm still positive.)
好了，親愛的小夥伴們，本期的「國外也有段子手」就為大家播報到這了。讓我們拭目以待，來看下期歪果仁們更加精彩的犀利吐槽吧！