在伊波拉病毒爆發期間，被重點「防範」的對象——非洲小哥崔娃也是「人在囧途」。
特將崔娃的這場爆笑脫口秀整理出來以饗讀者，中英文雙語文案，非常適合英語學習。多聽幾遍，包您英語功力大漲！
That was probably the worst time ever. It was flying into America, as an African during the Ebola crisis.
那可能是我經歷過的最糟糕的一段時光。當時伊波拉病毒（源於非洲的傳染性病毒）危機爆發，而我作為非洲人要飛往美國。
It was the craziest thing I have ever seen in an airport. You'd walk in, there would be tension. They ushered everybody into a special quarantine area. Asked you questions, questions that they don't normally ask.
整個機場都被籠罩在一種如臨大敵的氣氛中。你一走進去，就能感到其中緊張的氛圍。海關的工作人員會把所有人帶到一個特別隔離區，然後問你一些他們平時不會問到的問題。
The number one question they always ask was, 「Sir, have you been in contact with Ebola?」
第一題，他們總是詢問道：「先生，您接觸過伊波拉病毒嗎？」（您與伊波拉病毒聯繫過嗎？）
I love the sincerity of the question, like there was a chance my answer could be, 「Yes! And next stop, Disney World.」
我很欣賞他們這種詢問的誠意，就好像我可能會回答說：「接觸過！而且我下一站，正要去迪士尼世界。」
Like what kind of person do you think I am, that I would still be embarking on a journey having knowingly been in contact with the most deadly disease on the planet.
你認為我是一個什麼樣的人啊，在知道自己接觸過世界上最致命的病毒後，還依然要上飛機麼。
Like who do you think I am, that I would be there like, 「Ahem, ahem. I don't care! Booking.com has a zero refund policy. I'm going to Disney World even if it kills me, Mickey Mouse and everybody else. I'm going!」
我有那麼蠢嗎？難道我會說：「咳咳！咳咳！我才不在乎！誰讓繽客訂房（酒店預訂網站）沒有退款服務呢。我就是要去迪士尼世界，就算這會害死我、害死米老鼠和所有人，我也去定迪士尼了！」
「Have you been in contract with Ebola?」
你感染過伊波拉病毒嗎？（諷刺上文contact，你與伊波拉病毒聯繫過嗎？）
And they always said it like that Ebola was like a distant relative. I love the phrasing. 「Have you been in contract (contact) with Ebola?」
他們問起伊波拉就好像是在問你的一位遠房親戚一樣。我喜歡這種措辭，「你感染（聯繫）過伊波拉病毒嗎？」
「Yeah, I spoke to him last week, he is doing well. Thank you very much for asking.」
「是啊，我上周還給他打過電話，他現在挺好的。謝謝您的關心嘞。」
Ebola made flying a nightmare.
伊波拉病毒使航空旅行成了噩夢。
One of the worst flights, I was coming from Johannesburg, South Africa, going to San Francisco.
其中最糟糕的一次是，我從南非的約翰尼斯堡飛往舊金山。
We flew and because of the distance of the flight, we had to stop over in Washington. They change over your flight, so you go onto another plane, and then that plane takes you to San Francisco.
飛行過程中因為航程距離太遠，所以需要在華盛頓停留、轉機。工作人員會引導你更換航班，然後你就會登上另外一架飛機前往舊金山。
When we were changing plane, when we were switching over, the air hostess in the second plane told the passengers that Africans were coming on board.
就在我們轉機的過程中，續航飛機上的空姐告訴乘客們，「非洲人就要登機了。」
好吧。
So because of this, they were going to be spraying the cabin with a light pesticide.
正因為如此，他們需要在機艙內噴上一些輕度殺蟲劑。
（場外哈哈笑）不，我能理解。
Like when people are afraid, they do stupid things. I get it.
就像人在害怕時就會做一些傻事，我明白的。
What I didn't understand was why she told them this as we were boarding the plane.
但我不能理解的是，她為什麼要選在我們正在登機的時候通知。
Have the decency to speak behind our backs.
給點面子背著我們說，好麼。
Cause we were walking onto the aircraft, she took her little microphone, and she were speaking,
因為我們一邊往機艙裡走，她一邊拿起她的小話筒在那兒說：（模仿空姐口吻）
「Ladies and gentlemen, please note we have some passengers joining us in the South African flight.
「女士們、先生們請注意，我們正有一批來自南非航班的乘客正在登機。
They are coming from Africa, if everybody could please stay in their seats as these passengers find their places.
他們是從非洲來的，還請大家留在座位上不要走動，以便他們找到自己的位置。
We're going to be spraying the cabin with a light pesticide due to the Ebola crisis, and feel free to cover your nose, eyes, ears and mouth.
由於伊波拉病毒疫情，我們將會在機艙內噴灑一些輕度殺蟲劑，還請您儘量遮住自己的鼻子、眼睛、耳朵和嘴巴。
The pesticide shouldn't be harmful, but it may be. So if everybody would just cover up, and we'll be coming down shortly as everybody takes their place, thank you very much.」
這種殺蟲劑對人體無害，但也不確定。所以還請大家注意遮擋，我們將會在乘客就坐完畢後起飛，感謝您的配合。」
She says this as we board the plane. This is our introduction, 「Ebola crisis.」 And we are like, 「Hello, hello. Hello, hello.」
她在我們登機的時候說這種話。就像在這樣介紹我們：「這些都是伊波拉病毒。」然後我們就跟著打招呼：「大家好、大家好。你好，你好。」
Do you know how hard it is, to find a seat in a plane with people who think you are bringing them death?
你知道當飛機上的乘客們都把你當做死神時，想找個座位有多難嗎？
Do you know how hard? Like you're sitting there, and everyone you go, it almost felt like that scene from Forest Gump.
你知道有多難嗎？就像你想坐在那裡，所有人就像是在電影《阿甘正傳》裡的那一幕。
Like as I am walking down the plane, people are like, 「Ugh! Ugh! You can't sit here. No space.」
就像我在飛機上往後一邊走一邊找座位，乘客們看到我就開始苦著臉、搖頭晃腦：「哼嗯！你不能坐在這兒，這兒沒你的位置。」
You are just walking down, trying to find your Jenny.
那麼你就只好繼續往後走，看能不能找到你的珍妮（《阿甘正傳》中的角色）。
Finally, everyone seated, we took off. Plane headed out to San Francisco.
最後，大家終於都坐了下來，飛機起飛了，飛往舊金山。
And it was by far, the most tense flight, I have ever been on.
那是我至今為止坐過的氣氛最緊張的一次航班。
我咳嗽了一聲。（想像疫情期間，你在人群中咳了一聲~）
整架飛機都顫抖了。
It wasn't even a bad cough, just a little tickle.
甚至不是那種生病時的咳嗽，就只是嗓子有點兒癢。
I was like, 「Cough, cough.」
我只是像這樣輕輕地，「咳、咳。」
The guy opposite me was just like, 「EBOLA!!!!EBOLA!!!」
坐我對面的傢伙直接嚇得大喊起來：「他有伊波拉！伊波拉病毒啊！」
I was like, 「Yo dude, calm down, man, calm down. It's just AIDS. You're safe, buddy.」
我就笑著對他說：「喂，兄弟！冷靜點，冷靜點。只是愛滋病而已，你是安全的，兄弟。」
「冷靜，沒事的。」
Everyone was so stressed, the plane was tense.
每個人都壓力山大，整架飛機上的氣氛非常緊張。
No one wanted food nor snacks.
沒人要吃的喝的。
We finally landed at the airport.
終於，我們在機場降落了。
The plane was taxiing to the gate, and everyone was waiting for that seat-belt sign to go off.
飛機逐漸滑向登機口，每個人都等著安全帶指示燈熄滅。
Everyone was just feeling anxious, like it was more than normal.
每個人都非常著急，好像這樣才正常。
I never understand why people are in a hurry on a plane to get out of their seat, because they can't go anywhere.
我完全不明白為什麼飛機上的人們都那麼著急地想要離開座位，因為他們完全走不開啊。
Whenever a plane lands, everyone is just like,「Come on, come on.」
無論何時飛機降落，大家都一副「趕緊啊、趕緊啊」的樣子。
You can't go, and you're going to go there. You literally go there.
（比著手勢）你走不掉的啊！你只能站在過道那兒，最多平移一小步。
They are like, 「Come on, come on.」
每個人都看上去非常著急。
「嘭！」（門開了）
「太好了！」
I don't understand why people are in a hurry to go.
我不明白他們為什麼這麼急著離開。
You know who is even worse, the people at the window.
更讓人無語的，就是有些靠窗坐的人。
You have no right to be in a hurry. You are sitting there like, 「Come on, come on.」
你們更不該著急。但是你們卻坐在那兒焦急地催著：「快點啊！快點啊！」
「嘭！」（門開了）
「Yeah! Oh, that's good, yeah.」
「耶！舒服了！」
「Pass me my luggage. Pass it to me now, right now. Yeah.」
「快把行李遞給我，快點！現在！耶~」
「I'm glad I didn't sit down for two more minutes. This is much more comfortable.」
「沒有幹坐兩分鐘真是太好了！現在舒服多了！」
Just stay in your seat, just wait.
坐在你的位置上，等著就行了。
Ebola made it worse, a hundred times worse.
伊波拉病毒讓這種情景更加糟糕了，更讓大家急不可耐。
You know, cause now everyone wants to get out of the plane.
你知道，因為現在大家更急著想下飛機。
Coughing, sneezing. You could feel the tension, and as we were about to leave, the air hostess came back on the P.A., and she said,
又是咳嗽、又是噴嚏。你能感覺到那種緊張的氛圍，而當我們準備下飛機的時候，空姐又出現在機艙說道：
「Ladies and gentlemen, back in your seats please, everybody back in your seats.
「女士們、先生們，請回到您的座位上，請大家不要離開座位。
Unfortunately, right now we have a Health and Safety Official that needs to come on board, just to make sure that everything is A-okay due to Ebola.
很抱歉，現在由於伊波拉病毒疫情，衛生安全部門的人需要登機為大家做檢查。
We're just going to make sure everything is fine, so please stay in your seats.
我們只是為了確保大家的安全，所以還請大家不要走動。
Ladies and gentlemen, again, apologies for the delay.」
女士們、先生們，再次，非常抱歉耽誤大家的時間。」
She said this and this man came on, a Health and Safety Official, and he had with him, a list of all the African passengers, a digital laser thermometer.
她說完這些後，一個衛生安全部門的人走了進來，手裡還拿著一份非洲乘客的名單和一隻雷射感應溫度計。
His job is to scan all the African passengers and get their temperature.
他的工作就是測量和記錄所有來自非洲乘客的體溫。
I think the way it works is if you're very hot, then you have got Ebola.
我猜這種原理就是如果你發燒了，就說明你得了伊波拉。
So he had gotten the list, he walked around, scanned the passengers and got the things, walked down and ticked their names of the list.
於是他帶著他的名單，一邊走一邊測量和記錄乘客的體溫，然後在名單中勾掉對應的名字。
Finally, he got to where I were seated.
終於，他走到了我這兒。
And he did the weirdest thing, he scanned a passenger opposite me.
然後，他做了一件非常奇怪的事兒，他測量了坐在我對面的乘客。
He moved to my aisle. He looked at me, looked at my name, and looked back at me.
他走到我這邊的過道時，看了看我，又低頭看了看我的名字，又抬頭看了看我。
Then, he just shrugged and walked away.
然後，他聳聳肩就走開了。
還搖了搖頭，否定地嘆了一聲。
Almost as if, I wasn't African enough.
就好像我不夠非洲一樣。
I have never felt so conflicted in my life.
我從來沒有這麼矛盾過。
別誤會。
I never want anyone to think I have Ebola.
我沒想讓誰認為我感染上了伊波拉。
But I also don't want anyone to assume that I can't have Ebola.
但是我也不想讓人臆測我就不能感染伊波拉。
你又不了解我。
You don't know what I am capable of infection, and I could have all the Ebola in the world.
你不知道我有多大的傳染性，萬一我身上有全世界所有的伊波拉病毒呢。
And this guy just ignored me.
結果這傢伙直接無視了我。
He walked away. I were there trying to cheer myself up.
他就這麼走開了。我只好在那兒給自己打氣。
「Chin up, Trevor, you could have Ebola.」
「振作點！崔娃，你有能力得伊波拉的。」
He walked to the back of the plane and scanned the rest of the passengers.
那人接著往後走，測量了剩下的乘客。
When he got to the tail, he realized he was now missing a name.
當他走到了機尾時，他才意識到自己少勾了一個名字。
So he looked back through the plane, he couldn't figure out what was going on.
於是他回頭看了看機艙，（對比了一下名單），弄不清是怎麼回事。
I know it's me, but I'm not going to help him.
我知道是漏了我，但是我不打算告訴他。
He had his chance. He had a good Ebola man, and he let him go!
不是沒有給過他機會，而是他自己放過了一個能得伊波拉的人。
So I watched him panic, and as he paniced, the air hostess came back down the plane, and she said,
所以我就看著他在那兒慌神，與此同時，空姐也走到機尾問他：
「Hey, what's going on? I need to get the people out of here.」
「嘿，怎麼了？我現在得讓大家下飛機了。」
And he said, 「Yeah, I know. I have got a problem on the Ebola list. I can't figure out where, where the passenger is.」
他一邊慌張地看著名單，一邊回答說：「是的，我知道。但是，我這張伊波拉名單出了點問題。我現在找不到這個、這個乘客在哪了。
And she was like, 「Yeah, I got to get the people out.」
空姐回答說：「但是我得讓大家走啊。」
He was like, 「Look, I know, this is killing me as well, but I just got to figure out this list."
他說：「是的，我知道。我也急死了。但是我必須弄清楚這個名單。」
She was like, 「Yeah, yeah. If I don't get them out , I'm dead. I'm dead! I have got to get the people going.」
她急著說道：「是的、是的。但是我再不讓乘客下飛機，我就死定了，死定了！我得讓大家走啊！」
He was like, 「Yeah, I know. Just calm down. Just give me a second.」
他急著說道：「好了，我知道了。冷靜！再給我幾秒鐘。」
And now, you can feel the tension building in the plane.
同時，你能感覺到機艙裡的氣氛越發凝重。
People started whispering , and there were murmurs going around.
人們開始竊竊私語。
Cause some people were hearing pieces of the conversation, it was like broken telephone, as it went down the plane.
因為有些人聽到了斷斷續續的對話，這些話就像是信號不好的電話一樣，讓謠言開始在艙內傳播起來。
All they were hearing, 「Yeah, yeah. Ebola, Ebola, killing me. People."
他們只（從那個男人那兒）聽到了，「是的，是的。伊波拉，伊波拉。我死了。大家。」
She was like, 「Yeah, yeah. Dead, dead. Everybody out of here. Dead.」
（從那個女人那兒）聽到：「是的、是的。死了，死了。大家都死定了。」
Like you can feel the tension.
你能感覺到那種緊張。
People started looking at each other.
人們開始面面相覷。
The guy opposite of me didn't even hide it, and he was like,
坐在我對面的那個傢伙甚至毫不掩飾地喊道：
「It's you! It's you! You, Ebola! It's you!」
「是你，就是你！你有伊波拉！就是你！」
I was like, 「Dude, I do not have Ebola, stop saying that! Stop saying it.」
我只好說：「兄弟，我沒有伊波拉。快別說了！別喊了！」
He was like, 「It's you, dammit. It's you! Because you were coughing.」
他還是接著喊道：「就是你，***！就是你！因為我看到你咳了。」
I was like, 「If you don't shut up, I'll cough on you. I'll cough on you now!」
我有些生氣地回道：「如果你再不閉嘴，我就對著你咳。現在就對著你咳！」
他驚道：「什麼？」
I was like, 「I'll cough, cough...」
我裝模作樣地對他咳了起來，「咳、咳、咳！」
He was like, 「What! I'll kill you!」
他怒極了，喊道：「什麼！我要殺了你！」
I was like, 「I'll kill you first.」
我跟著說道：「我會先殺了你！咳、咳、咳！」
（他氣得張牙舞爪起來！）
Everyone on the plane started losing their mind. The people were going crazy, and everyone was stressed. People wanted to leave.
飛機上的人都開始失去理智、變得瘋狂起來，到了崩潰的邊緣。只想著趕快離開。
And in the middle of the chaos, I'll never forget, a Middle Eastern man, maybe four rows behind me, dressed in very traditional garb.
在這一片混亂之中，我永遠也不會忘記，有個中東的男人，大概在我後面四排，穿著他們傳統的服飾。
He stood up, and he sticked his head into the conversation between the air hostess and the safety official. He said, 「Excuse me. Pardon me.」
他站起來，然後朝著空姐和那個官員那邊伸過頭去，打斷了他們的對話。他說：「不好意思。」
「Sorry to interrupt. I couldn't help noticing what you are talking.」
對不起打擾了，我不小心聽到了你們的談話。
「I just want to say maybe you want to check him.」
我只是覺得你們或許應該查查他。
「I noticed that gentleman over there was coughing little bit, and then he never ordered anything, so he might...
「我之前注意到那邊那位先生咳嗽過，而且他也沒點過什麼吃的，所以他可能……」
「Yeah, I thought he was wearing a hood. Something about him...I don’t know. Something just made me a little bit uncomfortable.」
他撓了撓頭，接著說道：「是的，我記得他穿著帽衫。他身上……我也說不清，就是他身上有什麼，讓我很不安。」
「I thought maybe you want to check there, I said.」
「我想你或許會想要檢查一下他。」
「You know, you know what they say.」
你們也聽過那句話。
「'See something , say something.'」
「『發現可疑，立即上報。』」（美國911之後的反恐宣傳語）
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