查看原文
Let me begin by promising you that I am not an angry person. I would actually vow that I am inherently happy and all-around quite friendly and nice. But one thing that really grinds my gears, is being seated next to a nightmare neighbor on an airplane.
The Nighttime Cuddler
Airplane seats are uncomfortable, restricting and not equipped to be shared, so watch out when your unconscious neighbor slowly tilts his or her head in your direction. Depending on how deep the dreamer, you could be in for a game of seesaw as you attempt to politely prop up your sleeping beauty. When all else fails, place an airplane blanket or neck pillow between the two of you because, well, it’s better than sharing your shoulder.
The Guy Watching Porn on His Phone
This man may not be a threat to homeland security, but he is certainly terrorizing your rights and his dignity. Committing lewd, indecent or obscene acts in public aboard an aircraft will land this one in handcuffs, so you need to remove the threat. Do your duty and well, be a tattletale. If a person can’t last a flight without his precious porn, no one wants to imagine what he was doing in the bathroom—or even worse, under that over-sized laptop. Eek!
The ADD child
It’s not cutewhen a stranger’s little chatterbox is looking to make a friend on the plane… at 3 a.m. It might make you the Grinch from 10,000 feet above sea level, but throw on your snooze mask before the kid has a chance to make eye contact.
He’s not so innocent.
The Snorer
As painfully obvious as the snorer is on this list of nightmares, he or she is equally as hard to spot. You will already be strapped in and mid-air before this literal loud mouth assaults the quiet air. The real question in this situation is: to tap, or not to tap? There’s nothing worse than being startled awake, so we suggest gently nudging this person and then quickly pretending it wasn’t you, or blaming it on someone else. 「Oh, the snacks were coming around, they wanted to know if you wanted some Pop Chips!」
The Arm Rest Hog
No one likes when his or her personal space is being invaded and the guy or gal who thinks they own the air rights to your armrest does just that. If you find yourself at a standstill and left with only a sliver to rest your elbow, wait for the right moment and then really commit. As soon as he or she grabs for their drink, gets up to go to the bathroom or even reaches up to cover their mouth for a sneeze, swoop right on in there and stand your ground.
The Talker
Earplugs. This Chatty Cathy might be looking to make a friend, find a romance in the air or just wants tell you all about how her daughter just moved to Chicago and is 「loving it!」 Whatever the motive, this person genuinely wants to make some sort of sky-high connection and is sure to be so taken aback by your rude, uninterested behavior that she will shut down. Arm yourself with something to drown out the sound so you can send a signal that this plane ride is all about sleeping.
The Smelly Food Eater
Ever since airlines raised prices and lowered options for in-flight meals, travelers are boarding with bagged lunches or dinners more and more often. We totally support saving money and being prepared, but we can’t support food that tickles our senses. Be polite and opt for cold or room-temperature bites. Eat early on in the flight and dispose of your trash quickly.
The Diva
Here is one frequent flier you actuallycanspot from a mile away. She’s toting designer luggage (and needs your help storing it), expects everyone on the plane to work for her and is the last to switch her cell phone into Airplane mode. You have two options: be a good Samaritan and assist her when she asks things of you, like showing her how to buy the rom-com being offered as the in-flight movie; or steer her towards her other neighbor. It won’t drown her out, but itwillmake her someone else’s problem!
You need to make her someone else’s problem.
The Excessive Drinker
There’s nothing wrong with slurping down a nice, stiff drink, but if you aren’t headed to Vegas, an in-flight over-imbiber isn’t cool. This hazard can escalate quickly: it’s loud, violates your personal space and is likely to leave in its wake a zonked-out and unwelcome cuddler (see above), unaware excretion spewer (see below) or even worse (uh, use your imagination). Make friends with a flight attendant and make sure this wasted rider gets cut off before the fourth drink.
The Frequent Bathroom-Goer
Picture this: after a bumpy take-off, you quell your nerves and rest your eyes before falling away into a deep and comforting sleep (ahh) – and then the person next to you needs to use the bathroom. No one should have to sit in pain with a suffering bladder, but there is a certain etiquette if you need to go more than the average person. Make sure to visit the little boy’s room before takeoff and take advantage of moments when your seatmates are alert, or at least awoken by the flight attendants. When in doubt, find your inner track star and jump on over!
The In-Flight Primper
She seems like your average gal and then an hour before touch-down her in-flight tray looks like her bathroom counter. She’s doing her nails (oh that smell!) and trying to apply mascara through turbulence. And then she drops her lipstick on your jeans and asks you if you think she looks pretty. Just say yes. It’s easier than the truth.
The Mile-High-Club Couple
But if you frequently fly first class or often find yourself seated next to a bathroom, you’re sure to eventually encounter this simultaneously disappearing twosome. They’re the PDA-lovin』 couple who can’t keep their hands off one another, flirty strangers hitting it off in the front of the plane or bucket-list seekers trolling Virgin airline’s in-flight chat system will absolutely hog the bathroom, create an awkward air in the air for aware passengers – and leave you with one helluva story to tell your friends once you land.
If only you could tell them to get a room.
The Terrified Traveler
Everyone sympathizes with someone who is flat-out terrified, but handling a panic attack was not on this flight agenda. The fearful flier will probably be over-prepared as they chomp five pieces of gum during takeoff, clutch their over-sized water bottle to their chest and scan the aircraft with a look that screams, 「Is this normal?!」 The kindest thing you can do for this scared soul is to share your sleeping pills, especially if turbulence hits.
It may be time to buy her a drink.
The Plane Farter
You think we don’t know who you are, but we do! We』ve all heard your rationale: you think you are safe because the loud noises of the plane will drown out the loud noises coming from your seat cushion. But we can spot that overly satisfied look on your face as you lean in one direction before getting all comfy and snuggly in your seat. And, oh—that smell! Let us tell you something, mister, or sister: an airplane is asharedspace. For the love of flying, mind your manners!
查看譯文
首先我要澄清一點：我天生是個樂觀友善的人，不易發怒。但令我忍無可忍的是，在飛機上遇到「怪咖」鄰座。如若遇到以下14種人，你確實是時運不佳。
1.「睡美人」
鄰座熟睡時總會不知不覺把腦袋往你身上靠，你卻像玩蹺蹺板似的，小心翼翼撐住這個「睡美人」。無計可施時，拿毯子或枕頭擋在中間，總好過分享你的肩膀。
2.看色情片的傢伙
這種人不顧尊嚴，威脅著你的權利。你大可盡責告發他。沒人願意想像這種人在衛生間裡做什麼，更不敢想像在這種超大筆記本電腦下面……唷!
3.多動症兒童
凌晨3點，身邊的陌生小孩卻準備打開話匣子，一點也不可愛。你只能裝睡，不讓他（她）有機可趁。
他可沒表面看來這麼天真無邪。
4.打鼾者
當你隔壁鼾聲陣陣時，你要不要拍醒他（她）？沒什麼比被驚醒更糟糕了，建議你拍醒他（她），然後假裝若無其事，或推說乘務員來過。
5.霸佔扶手者
沒人喜歡私人空間被侵犯。如果你的扶手被霸佔,就等待時機奪回「領地」。一旦你的鄰座起身離開，或把手拿開，你就得把握機會，堅守「陣地」。
6.話癆
碰到這種情況，耳塞是首選。武裝自己，同時傳遞一個信息：飛機是睡覺的地方。
7.怪味食客
現在帶餐登機的旅客越來越多。但請別帶有刺激性氣味、冒著熱氣的食物，並在飛機上儘早吃完，立即處理垃圾。
8.「大牌女神」
這些飛行常客總是指望飛機上所有人都為她服務。你可以選擇當好人做好事；也可以把這包袱踢給別人，自然有人領受。
把做好事的機會留給別人。
9. 酒鬼
在飛機上適度喝點酒也無可厚非，但過度飲用就不是什麼妙事了，各種狀況叫你不得安寧。建立與乘務員的友好關係，以確保鄰座喝酒不超過三杯。
10. 尿頻者
飛機顛簸地起飛後，你閉目養神準備安穩睡一覺，這時旁邊的人起身上衛生間，作何感想。不是說要憋著，但你可以在不打擾鄰座休息時去。
11. 空中化妝者
飛機著陸前，身邊這位姑娘就會搬出她的「化妝檯」。指甲油、睫毛膏，氣味刺鼻，還將口紅掉你褲子上。她問你她漂不漂亮，就說漂亮，這比說實話省事。
12. 高空性愛男女
經常坐頭等艙或衛生間旁，你一定會遇到這種情況：如膠似漆的夫妻或情侶、一見鍾情的旅友或旅途尋歡者霸佔著衛生間,營造一個令其他乘客尷尬的氛圍。
真希望能叫他們去開個房。
13.飛行恐慌者
飛行恐慌者會在起飛時嚼5顆口香糖，胸口緊握超大號水瓶，不安地四處掃視。這時你最好拿幾顆安眠藥安慰這個惶恐的靈魂，尤其是飛機顛簸的時候。
這時候應該請她喝一杯。
14. 空中放屁者
你以為飛機的噪音可以掩蓋你座墊下發出的聲音，但我們看到你歪向一邊時臉上舒暢的表情就知道：是你！臭氣燻天！飛機是公共場所，請注意你的舉止！
（譯者 cellolily 編輯 丹妮）
掃一掃，關注微博微信