very short funny quotes
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."
"Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything."
funny crazy quotes
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."
"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
"Common sense is like deodorant – those who need it most never use it."
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people."
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."
very short funny quotes about life
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out alive.
I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode.
Life is like a box of chocolates; it's full of nuts.
The best time to start living is now—after this nap.
funny crazy quotes about life
Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get, but sometimes you get one that's been sitting there too long and it's just weird.
I'm not arguing, I'm just passionately explaining why I'm right, and life keeps giving me more reasons to do it.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth, or at least until you find your dentures.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good, but I'm starting to have my doubts about this plan.
Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect it back, and that's the kind of crazy loophole life throws at you.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans, and then it laughs at you for trying.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by, especially in the chaos of everyday life.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
funny quotes about me
I'm not arguing; I'm just explaining why I'm right.
I'm not lazy, I'm on energy-saving mode.
I put the 'pro' in procrastinator.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
I'm not weird, I'm a limited edition.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
I'm not getting older, I'm leveling up.
I don't need a hair stylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.
Exercise? I thought you said extra fries.
short funny motivational quotes
"Be like a proton: always positive, or at least try not to split!"
"If plan A fails, remember the alphabet has 25 more letters—time to get creative!"
"I'm not procrastinating; I'm giving my ideas time to marinate—brilliant ones take longer!"
"Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm... and maybe a good playlist."
"Don't give up; the best views come after the hardest climbs, plus snacks at the top!"
"Fake it till you make it, but don't fake the effort—nobody buys a half-baked cake."
"You're stronger than you think; after all, you survived Monday!"
"Life is short—break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, and laugh uncontrollably!"
"Work hard in silence, let your success be the noise... or at least a funny story."
"Chase your dreams, not the ice cream truck—unless it's on the way."
funny quotes of the day
"I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right."
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"The road to success is always under construction."
"Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts."
"I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already."
sarcastic funny quotes on life
Life is like a box of chocolates – mostly disappointing if you're on a diet.
Oh, sure, because adulting is exactly what I dreamed of as a kid.
Life: where the only thing guaranteed is that nothing is guaranteed, except taxes and disappointment.
I'm not saying I'm old, but I remember when emojis were just called faces.
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade – then wonder why life can't give you something useful like a vacation.
Work hard, play hard – or just pretend to work and nap hard, like a pro.
Life is short; smile while you still have teeth and your back doesn't hurt.
Another day in paradise? More like another day in pajamas avoiding reality.
Life's a journey, not a destination – which is great, because I'm lost anyway.
If you think about it, life's just a bad hair day that lasts decades.