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AEE Episode 1212: Not to Sound Bossy, but You Should Think Twice Before Using This Phrase
Announcer: This is an All Ears English podcast Episode 1212: "Not to Sound Bossy, but You Should Think Twice Before Using This Phrase"
Announcer: Welcome to the All Ears English Podcast, downloaded more than 123 million times. We believe in Connection NOT Perfection ™, with your American hosts Lindsay McMahon, the 'English Adventurer', and Michelle Kaplan, the 'New York Radio Girl,' coming to you from Boston and New York City, U.S.A.
Announcer: And to take your learning deeper with real-time transcripts and personalized vocabulary practice, download our app on your iOS device. Go to AllEarsEnglish. com/bonuses.
Announcer: Today, we show you an interesting phrase and the funny way that natives use it when they want to introduce a potentially messy topic. Listen in today.
Michelle: Hey (hi) Lindsay, how's it going?
Lindsay: Yeah (yes), it's good, Michelle. Life is good. I've been traveling a lot this summer, lots of adventures for sure. Hopefully, our listeners are on our Instagram channel, so they've been keeping up with all the adventures for our team here this summer. And yeah (yes), I'm excited to just, yeah (yes), try something new this fall. It's going to be great. It's going be great.
Michelle: Ohh yeah (yes), ohh yeah (yes), that is so exciting. That's awesome. So, do you have a hard time talking about touchy subjects?
Lindsay: Yeah (yes). I mean... Well, first of all, what do you mean by touchy subjects? Like, what does that mean?
Michelle: A touchy subject is one that is a little bit uncomfortable. Because either you know that the person has a different view than you, or you don't know if, for some reason, they don't want to talk about that. It's something uncomfortable happens between you. That's a touchy subject.
Lindsay: Ohh yeah (yes). I mean, politics is one thing, especially nowadays, that could come up.
Michelle: Yeah (yes), yeah (yes), definitely. Ohh my gosh. So yeah (yes), I recently had a situation where I was talking with a friend, and the friend, it turns out that this friend has different political views than me. Which is fine, but my friend said to me, "Not to get political, but..." and then said something totally political.
Lindsay: Gee. Yeah (yes), that's interesting. I mean, it is an interesting way to introduce things. Right?
Michelle: Do you ever hear people say things like that, like, "not to get something"?
Lindsay: Yeah (yes), for sure, all the time.
Michelle: Yeah (yes), what is that?
Lindsay: I mean, it's a signal. It's like when they say "not to get dark," or "not to get sappy," "not to get silly." It's exactly what they're going to do.
Michelle: Right, right, right. It's so funny. So, we're going to examine that today. You know, people may use this. It's something, it's a little bit controversial, I guess, right, to say "not to," and then doing that. Right?
Lindsay: Yeah (yes), I guess. It can be a little annoying.
Michelle: Yeah (yes).
Lindsay: Like, "Ohh gosh, I know what's coming."
Michelle: Yeah (yes), yeah (yes), yeah (yes), yeah (yes). So guys, so, what's the phrase? So, the phrase is "not to _____, but."
Lindsay: Yeah (yes).
Michelle: It can be a few things. So, for example, "Not to be something, but..." Like, so, for example, maybe, "Not to be rude, but..."
Lindsay: That would be the worst one.
Michelle: Yeah (yes), that would be really bad. Or "not to get something," like, "not to get political." Right?
Lindsay: Yeah (yes). Or "not to be critical, but…" Right? It's often when the thing you're going to say might be hard to hear. Like, you assume people won't want to hear it, so you say this, you start by this, opening this way.
Michelle: Right, right, right. Or you could say "not to sound" something. Right?
Lindsay: Yeah (yes).
Michelle: That's another one.
Lindsay: Yeah (yes), it's like you're saying you don't want to be, you don't want people to think that you're only this way. You know?
Michelle: Right, right, right, exactly, exactly. So, I mean, Lindsay, are you guilty of using these?
Lindsay: Probably.
Michelle: I think. I'm sure I am, too.
Lindsay: Yeah (yes). It's almost like you're saying you don't want to totally change the mood and move everything, the whole conversation, over to what you're talking about. Maybe you just want to touch on something briefly.
Michelle: Right, right, right, that's true, right. You don't want to get too much into it. Yeah (yes). So, I mean, I think that, you know, these phrases can be useful. But I think that, you know, they could be a little bit misused. Right?
Lindsay: Yeah (yes), I think so. Yeah (yes), yeah (yes).
Michelle: Let's give a couple more examples. "Not to get political, but I really think you should watch the debates."
Lindsay: Those debates are going on right now. I mean, we are recording, guys, in June, so we're a little ahead. But they are going. There is the debate tonight, I think.
Michelle: There is. That's exactly what I'll be doing.
Lindsay: In about three minutes, right?
Michelle: That's right.
Lindsay: Maybe more like ten, ten minutes.
Michelle: Are you going to watch?
Lindsay: Yeah (yes), right, right. Ohh, am I going to watch? Yeah (yes), yeah (yes), I think so. Yeah (yes), because I missed them last night, and so I'd like to, I was on my red eye.
Michelle: Of course.
Lindsay: Of course. I'm always, if you ever wonder what I'm doing, I'm probably on a red eye.
Michelle: That's right. Where's Lindsay? I don't know. She's on a red eye.
Lindsay: On a red eye somewhere. Yeah (yes), I'm going to try to watch tonight. Yeah (yes).
Michelle: Yeah (yes). Alright. So, what's another one?
Lindsay: Alright. So, let's see. Should I, just an example? Okay. "Not to sound critical, but you haven't really cleaned your place in a long time." That is critical, that's the irony of this. Right, Michelle? It is being critical.
Michelle: Yeah (yes). Or, "Not to be rude, but you should probably change to some nicer clothes."
Lindsay: Yeah (yes). Oh geez. It's actually quite direct. I mean, that's the fun part.
Michelle: Ohh, it's quite direct. It's a way of saying I'm not doing this, so now I feel comfortable saying it.
Lindsay: Yeah (yes), that's a good point. It's like giving yourself permission.
Michelle: Right, it's like giving yourself, yeah (yes), exactly.
Lindsay: Unilaterally. Like, you know, doesn't mean the other people grant you permission. You're just going to plow through and say that thing. So, it could be, this could come off as rude.
Michelle: It could, yeah (yes). I mean, I mean I think it's saying that you, yeah (yes), you aren't trying to do something, but you do it. I mean, I'm not saying it's always used it in that way. Right?
Lindsay: Yeah (yes).
Michelle: It's possible that there's another way to use it. Right? And that you're being completely innocent and you're not, it's not, it doesn't have to be all, "Not to be rude, but you're messy." Right? Something like that, it doesn't have to be like that. But you know, we're going to focus on that today, and we want to tell you this as kind of a warning. Right? Because we want you to watch out for people when they use this phrase. And I think it's because what they are about to say is often exactly what they are saying they're trying to avoid. And it's not that you shouldn't use these phrases, but you should really know what comes along with it.
Lindsay: Yeah (yes), it's almost like we can mentally prepare ourselves. And also, it's a good learning technique to prime our brains in terms of listening, guys, like, conversation, understanding. When we prime our brains and we know what's coming, we're going to actually understand better what the person's saying. That's proven science when it comes to linguistics. Right, Michelle?
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Michelle: Right, right, right, right, exactly, yeah (yes). So, I think that's a really good point. Now you know what's coming. "Not to get political," probably going to be political.
Lindsay: Exactly.
Michelle: I primed my brain.
Lindsay: And then you can be, like, "I have to go home." Before the person opens his mouth.
Michelle: Exactly, exactly. Yeah (yes). So, I mean... Oops, sorry, I'm back.
Lindsay: Ohh, that's okay, welcome back.
Michelle: My computer went crazy. Anyway, here we are. So yeah (yes), I think people use it to soften what they're going to say and make it not sound as bad if they're going to say something, you know, not quite comfortable. Right?
Lindsay: Yeah (yes).
Michelle: And, like, I wouldn't hear this phrase used about positive things necessarily. Like, you wouldn't hear, like, "Not to be nice, but you're wonderful."
Lindsay: You're totally weird. That would be very strange.
Michelle: Right. And guys we actually did an episode, Episode 783, How to Signal That You're About to State a Contradiction in English. So, that talks about another phrase, I'm not going to tell you what it is. Okay? Actually, I will tell you what it is.
Lindsay: What was it? I can't even remember now.
Michelle: It's "having said that."
Lindsay: Ohh yeah (yes).
Michelle: And that kind of, it's in a similar vein. And it brings me back to, and I probably talk about this on the episode, a Seinfeld episode where they talk about this phrase and how you say "having said that." It's either Seinfeld or Curb Your Enthusiasm, but guys, you can always look into it. So, yeah (yes), that's kind of like where I feel like the humor comes into it. And it made me think of this one as well. So, shout out to Seinfeld.
Lindsay: I can imagine Seinfeld doing a whole episode on this phrase. You know what I mean? "Having said that," just kind of the funny, like, prepare for what's coming next, just joking about it. I could see that.
Michelle: Yeah (yes), I'm pretty sure it was Seinfeld, so funny. So yeah (yes), again, I've used the phrase "not to _____, but" before. But guys, the purpose of today's episode is to make you aware of the phrase and how it can sound. So, I mean, what do you think, Lindsay?
Lindsay: I mean, it could irritate, it could irritate people if you use it too much. You definitely don't want to use this all the time. Sometimes, though, guys, it's a nice tool to have in your back pocket, you know, especially because we're trying to connect. And sometimes you want to say something that may not, you know, may not be so cushy and nice. But, I mean, not to be mean to people, obviously, but sometimes we have to bring up the hard topics.
Michelle: Yeah (yes).
Lindsay: You know, we can't dance around tough things forever. Right?
Michelle: Right, right. So, it can be helpful in that situation.
Lindsay: Yeah (yes), and also this could be interesting if you are from a culture where, let's say, talking about politics at the dinner table, for example, Thanksgiving dinner, is a common dinner evening with your family, is not taboo. Right?
Michelle: Right.
Lindsay: Let's say you come from a place where it's okay to talk about politics, so maybe you want to soften what you're going to say.
Michelle: Exactly, yeah (yes), yeah (yes), exactly. So, let's just give a couple more examples and talk about, like, if we think it would be okay or not to use this phrase.
Lindsay: Yeah (yes).
Michelle: Okay, so, for example, let's do the first one.
Lindsay: "This dress looks gorgeous. You should get it for the party."
Michelle: "Not to be picky about price, but it's a little over my budget."
Lindsay: That's funny, because you were picky about price. Right?
Michelle: Exactly. That's exactly what I'm doing. But you know, I think this is okay. I'm not bringing up anything nasty. I'm just, you know, it's almost like I'm shielding myself because maybe I'm embarrassed.
Lindsay: Yeah (yes), for sure, for sure. Yeah (yes), it doesn't offend anyone. Right?
Michelle: No. So yeah (yes), so, in that situation I think it's okay. So guys, we're saying that sometimes it can be useful and helpful.
Lindsay: Yeah (yes), totally. Well, here's another one. Right, Michelle? Next one?
Michelle: "Let's take the train."
Lindsay: "Not to sound like a know-it-all, but I know the train will take too long."
Michelle: Okay.
Lindsay: So, I am kind of being a know-it-all.
Michelle: Yeah (yes), a little bit, but I don't know. I think in a way this is also okay. Because you're saying, you are trying to say, "I know this, but I don't want you to think that I'm being a know-it-all." Do you know I mean?
Lindsay: Ohh yeah (yes). And then that makes me think of gender. Right?
Michelle: Ohh yeah (yes).
Lindsay: This is so good. This is so interesting. This weekend, when I was at a conference in Denver, a marketing conference, the woman who founded Girls Who Code, you know that brand?
Michelle: Yeah (yes), yeah (yes), yeah (yes), I do.
Lindsay: It's more of a movement. She was the founder of that. And she did a presentation on gender and on how women right now need to be in kind of a, a moment of sisterhood, and of, you know, supporting each other, and of stepping into our bravery. Right? And it makes me think, like, would this phrase, "not to sound like a know-it-all", would that be more common among women than men? Just something to ponder. You know what I mean? Our language is not as simple as the words. There's so much more that goes into it. So, I mean, her talk was fascinating.
Michelle: That's really interesting.
Lindsay: It's so good to keep that stuff top of mind.
Michelle: Yeah (yes).
Lindsay: It's so good.
Michelle: Ohh my gosh, how interesting. Yeah (yes), that's a whole different way to look at this phrase.
Lindsay: A whole other way. So anyways, that's a tangent, but really good to keep in mind.
Michelle: Yeah (yes), for sure. Ohh my gosh. Well, this is been really interesting, Lindsay. What do you think the takeaway is for today?
Lindsay: Well guys, this is a good phrase when you want to go into touchy subjects like politics, maybe religion, maybe money. All those things that can come off as kind of taboo and rude. But, really, you're trying to avoid, it's really avoiding what you actually want to say, but you're just telling someone what you're going to say. Like, we can sort of see through, it is what I'm telling you. Natives can see through this phrase.
Michelle: Right.
Lindsay: We can see through it, but we still use it sometimes in the right time and place.
Michelle: Right, right, right, exactly. I think that's a good point, Lindsay. That it is in the right time and place and the right situation, it can be a helpful tool. So, you don't have to hide from it, but just be aware what it can sound like.
Lindsay: Yeah (yes) guys, and we're just here to expand your vocabulary. I mean, this is just another phrase to add to your repertoire. And again, if you are using this inside the iOS app, listening inside the iOS app, you should be saving these phrases that you learned today. Go to AllEarsEnglish. com/bonuses to get the app. Okay?
Michelle: Okay, well, this has been really fun, Lindsay. And not to sound like I want to watch the debates, but I got to.
Lindsay: Yeah (yes), got it. Alright, Michelle, enjoy the Democratic debate. Have fun.
Michelle: Thanks. Bye, Lindsay.
Lindsay: Alright, bye.
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