Just the other day, I was in a bookshop and spotted a volume entitled How to Make Friends with Foreigners by Li Yang of Crazy English fame.Naturally, as a foreigner who has been living in China for a year, I was curious to see what kind of advice a Chinese writer was giving on this matter.
One piece of advice really grabbed my attention and, I must say, made me feel quite annoyed.In Li's opinion, foreigners are an"opportunity" to improve your oral English; whenever you see a foreigner, you should practice speaking English to him/her. The writer goes on to say that if the foreigner doesn't want to answer your questions, then he/she is a rude person who you wouldn't want to spend time with anyway.I think this counsel is not only incorrect, but also potentially damaging to relations between Chinese and foreigners in China.
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Like most other laowai living in China, I know how isolated one can sometimes feel living amid a culture far removed from our own familiar ways. However, most of the time this cultural isolation is something I simply accept as part of being here. I am, after all, here to learn about the people and the language of China and if I really hated this place then I would go home! So far my time in China has been very rewarding. I have improved my Chinese language skills, learnt about one of the most fascinating, swiftly developing countries in the world today and made some very close Chinese friends.
Unfortunately, I have also come across many Chinese people who view me purely as an"opportunity"to improve their oral English under the guise of making friends. I have experienced people following me home from town to my college flat and then harassing me to teach them English or practice English with them. I have had complete strangers thrusting articles, manuals and speeches in my face, insisting that I help them with the English translation. I have had people asking me to assist with immigration applications to other countries. All of these people have claimed at the time that what they chiefly wanted was to make friends with me. There was even one person at the weekly English Corner that I run at college who, after plying me with non-stop questions for half an hour, became very angry when I politely asked him to give other people a chance to speak. He puffed himself up like a peacock and informed me that he was simply trying to be my friend.
He may well have thought he was trying to be my friend, butswheresI come from you don't build friendships by pestering and badgering another person. Friendship for a lot of Westerners is about spending time with someone whose company you genuinely enjoy.It's not about opportunities or personal advantage.The Chinese friends I have made while living here have been genuine friends to me; we enjoy each other's company for its own sake.In this way, we've not only learnt a good deal about each other's culture but also about each other as individuals.
I'm not suggesting that you shouldn't approach foreigners at all. However, I do think that it's important to question your own motives. If you truly want to make friends with someone from a different country, who could possibly object?On the other hand, if your only motive is to "use" the foreigner as a way of improving your English, then it's quite likely that the foreigner will be able to see through you - and will definitely not want to spend time with you.
So if there's any advice to give on making and keeping friendships with foreigners, I would say that it is this:Treat foreigners as people, not opportunities.Expect to make friendships gradually, over a period of time, not instantly. And don't ply foreigners with lots and lots of disparate questions. At times, this approach comes across as confusing and unnatural.
Finally, I would suggest that if you really want to make friends with a foreigner, then you do so because you are genuinely interested in the person. We all know that true friendships stand the test of time. If your only reason for making friends with a foreigner is to upgrade your English, then you will probably find that you don't have a foreign friend for long!
老外直言:怎樣與老外交朋友
幾天前,有這樣一本書《怎樣和老外交朋友》,作者是因「瘋狂英語」而出名的李陽。作為一個在中國生活了一年的外國人,我自然很想知道一位中國作者在這方面給出了什麼樣的忠告。
有一條忠告真是吸引住了我,但我也不得不說,這條忠告讓我很懊惱。按照李先生的觀點,外國人是你提高英語口語水平的「機會」,只要見到外國人,你就應該上前和他們練英語。作者進一步說道,如果某個外國人不想回答你的問題,那他(她)就是一個粗魯的人,是個你不屑與之交往的人。我認為這一忠告不僅不正確,還會給中國人和老外的關係帶來潛在的危害。
像多數住在中國的老外一樣,我知道生活在遠離自己所熟悉的另一種文化當中,有時會感到多麼孤獨啊!但在多數情況下,我接受這種文化上的孤獨,將其作為生活在這兒的一部分。說到底,我來這裡是想了解中國人民和她的語言,如果我真的不喜歡這個地方,那我早就回國了。到目前為止,我在中國度過的時光非常有價值,我的中文水平提高了,了解了當今世界上最有吸引力的、發展最快的一個國家,一些中國人也成了我親密的朋友。
但令人遺憾的是,我也撞見很多中國人,他們藉口交朋友但卻只把我看成練口語的「機會」,有人從城裡一直跟到我的學校宿舍,纏著我教他們英語,或是陪他們練口語;還有一些陌生人把文章、手冊、講稿塞到我面前要我幫忙翻譯;還有人要我幫他們寫移民申請。所有這些人當時都聲稱主要目的就是與我交朋友。在校園我所主持的每周英語角上,甚至有一個人不間斷地連問了我半個小時的問題後,在我有禮貌地請他也給別人一個機會練英語時,他竟然生起氣來。他趾高氣揚像只雄孔雀,告訴我他無非是想成為我的朋友。
他或許真的想成為我的朋友,但我來自一個不可以通過糾纏與煩擾建立友誼的國度。對於很多西方人來說,友誼是與某人共度時光,他(她)的陪伴讓你由衷地感到快樂。友誼並非是「機會」或是能給自己帶來什麼好處。我在這兒交的中國朋友都是真誠的朋友,我們因為彼此喜歡在一起而在一起。在這種情況下,我們不僅相互了解了很多對方的文化,也加深了個人間的了解。
在此,我並非建議你根本不與老外打交道。但是,我認為重要的一點是問一下自己的動機。如果你真的想與來自異國的人交朋友,誰會反對呢?但話說回來,如果你唯一的動機就是利用老外將其作為自己提高英語的一種手段,那麼老外很可能看穿你——那他(她)肯定不想與你共處。
因此,如果說我對與老外交朋友並保持友誼有什麼忠告,我想說的就是:把外國人看成「人」,而不要看成「機會」;友誼是逐漸形成的,要經過一段時間,不要期望速成;不要沒完沒了地向老外提出大量的互不相關的問題,這樣的接觸方式有時會讓老外犯暈或是覺得不自然。
最後,我想建議,如果你真的想和一個老外交朋友,那麼你就應該是因為真心喜歡這個人。我們都知道,真正的友誼是經受得住時間考驗的。如果你與老外交朋友的唯一目的是提高英語水平,那你恐怕就不會有一個長久的老外朋友