Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved. It has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy".
How do we learn about love?
If we were super lucky, our parents might have had a functional loving relationship and weren’t afraid to show it in front of us. Unfortunately for most people that is not the case. Many parents hide their love from their kids. They often hide their fights, their difficult talks, their deep communication and their acts of support and intimacy. Even worse most have highly unfunctional relationships where the only examples we get of how to love are negative ones.
So where do we actually see examples of love? For most of us it’s the media. We learn from the Disney animations, tv series, and Hollywood movies we watched when we were young. The problem with media is that it needs to invoke emotional reactions, it needs to be dramatic, there must be loss and conflict and betrayal and a happy ending. The focus of many of these stories are about finding our one perfect 「soul mates」.
These dramatic stories give us an expectation and dream from an early age. When we grow up, we will need to find that "one true love" and form a family together, to live happily-ever-after. Issues like incompatibilities are never worried about because that true love will conquer all.
Let’s take some time to challenge these monogamous ideals.
Monogamy is a form of dyadic relationship in which an individual has only one partner during their lifetime—alternately, only one partner at any one time.
In the modern society, the monogamous relationship is an existing norm of nearly all cultures. A regulation stipulated by predecessors and people have no right to choose differently. The monogamous relationship means having a partner and putting all your attention onto them. Your time / love / energy / sex depends on them and you expect them to bring you the happiness and joy of life. They need to meet all of your needs and you need to meet all of theirs. You need to find them, hold them, and live happily ever after. It’s just like the ideas that we got from these movies and tv shows we watched growing up.
Have we thought about whether this system is the only reasonable choice? Is it really suitable for everyone in our modern social society?
In fact, there is a high divorce rate all over the world and many singles are afraid of marriage. Some married couples stay together but live a sexless or loveless life where two people live in the same place but they have lost each other's interest and attention. People are starting to ask 「why is this happening?」. Some people say it is because the current norm 「Monogamy」 is not perfect. I personally think that although monogamy is not perfect, the reason for unhappiness is not monogamy but because people’s lack of choices.Some people are simply more suitable for non-monogamous lifestyles, however they grow up in a world where that kind of thinking is wrong and taboo. Their beliefs are given to them by society and because they grew up in a world where it seemed they never had a choice they never even questioned if there was some other relationship style that could make them happier.
In recent decades however, people have begun trying new type of relationships. In the United States alone, 4-5% of people are choosing some form of non-monogamous relationships (almost 10 million or so). This number shows that this is not the activities of a small group of people, this is a real change around the world. Many people are finding that they can derive much more happiness from non-monogamous relationship styles.
Let’s explore what non-monogamy can look like.
There are many types of non-monogamous relationship in the world and I mainly want to talk about what polyamory is. Many people don't know the difference between polyamorous relationships and open relationships.
Open relationship:
Open relationships are any type of relationships where the people involved practice non-monogamy. However, most often open relationships refer to couples who allow each other to have sexual contact with others, but they remain emotionally committed only to each other and don’t allow for dating other people.
Polyamorous relationship:
Polyamory relationships on the other hand are a specific type of open relationships focused on multiple committed romantic relationships with the full knowledge and consent of all parties involved. Simply put, you can have more than one partner at the same time. In a polyamorous relationship, the love connections and sex desire you need can be met by different partners.
I would like to emphasize that there are many types of relationship existing nowadays. In my opinion none of them are necessarily better or worse. The purpose of my sharing is to let people knows that there is different type of relationships exist. Everyone should have choice to choose one that suit them the best according to their personality and needs.
While every polyamorous relationship is unique, people in healthy polyamorous relationships share many of the same values, including: honesty, trust, communication and compassion.
In a monogamous relationship, you can only have one partner, and when you have feelings for others, you can only suppress them or close your heart in order to avoid your partner’s jealousy or doubt. Sometimes you have to cast some white lies to make the relationship better. I think it is sad that people cannot be truly honest to the people who they love the most in the world.
There is nothing to hide in a polyamorous relationship, the participants can be freer to share what they really think and support each other.
Misunderstanding of Polyamory
Some people say, the people who choose polyamorous relationship does want to take responsibility in their lives. They just want to have sex with many people and are not willing to make commitments. I personal disagree with that. If a person has a problem with commitment why would they choose to have multiple committed relationships. Consider the other side, if you are single, will you fall in love or have sex with anyone who is single? No. Just because you have the freedom to date with anyone doesn’t mean that you will want to date with everyone.
The effort and energy that polyamorous people pay is not less than monogamous people. When problems happen, we face them instead of escape from them. We learn how to express our emotions and thoughts honestly and communicate with our partners countless times in order to make our partners understand what we really feel and to support each other. We also must quickly learn how to effectively deal with negative emotions like jealousy, anger, sadness...etc.
1) Isn’t it a beautiful thing that you can enjoy a romantic relationship on a vacation without worrying to hurt your partner?
If you are in a monogamous relationship, you cannot do it because it is cheating. And you might need to lie if you cheat on your partner. If you start a lie, you will have to make 3 lies to cover 1 lie. Once there is a lie in the relationship, the relationship becomes more dangerous and cannot be trusted. But if you are in a polyamorous relationship, you can enjoy the trip and your partner will support you.
2) Some people worry that when my partner falls in love with someone else, his love for me will diminish. Imagine if you have a good friend and then meet a new friend later. Would you like your old friend less because you like the new friend? Or would you reduce your love for your eldest child because of the second child?
Love is not a cake, if I give you 70% and I can only give others 30%. Love is unlimited, like a balloon that can continually expand. We can have infinite love to give to anyone.
My boyfriend Devin and I have been together for 7.5 years, we started our polyamorous relationship 3.5 years ago. I have been learning a lot from this relationship about honesty, trust, communication and compassion.
I really enjoy the freedom from this relationship because there are no boundaries in my mind.I can like everyone without suppressing my feelings and that helps me have deeper connections with friends.
A friend told me that before, when she had a boyfriend but also liked other guys, she would judge herself, and worry about how other people looked at her. She would need to suppress her true feelings and not face her true self. After she heard what I shared, she realized that it is natural to appreciate people’s beauty and to want something from it. She frees her mind and now talks to anyone who she likes. She enjoys the freedom of being true to herself and that makes her happy and confident.
What is the most important things for me
People sometimes asked me, will I regret it if I break up with my boyfriends someday because of our polyamorous relationship. I am confident to say NO, I will not regret my choice. I am really lucky to meet them, I cherish each of them a lot. If we go apart someday, it is because we are no longer suitable for each other and have different plans for the future. Just remember: that in some ways polyamorous relationships are more secure. We can have more than one partner so we don’t need to give up one in order to stay with another one. Whereas monogamous people are forced to choose 1 or the other at this time.
Why am I sharing this?
The purpose is not to encourage people to adopt polyamory for their relationship. Rather, show them that they have a choice. There are many many happy non-monogamous couples out there, and if you feel this style may be more suited to you, I want you to know you aren’t alone. Non-monogamy is a valid relationship choice and if you have these kinds of thoughts and feelings, and you are being honest about them then there is nothing wrong with you. Knowing you have this choice can also help you to face the emotional issues you may be experiencing, be honest about them and analyze them in the context of the relationship. In the end, the polyamory is not only about the love between you and your partners, but also the exploration of your inner self.
瑞心空間 Radiant Heart
Energize from within.
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