Trying to be a better friend to yourself. Sounds like an odd idea initially, because we naturally imagine a friend as someone else, not as a part of our own mind, but there is value in the concept because of the extent to which we know how to treat our own friends with a sympathy and imagination. We seldom apply to ourselves. If a friend is in trouble, our first instinct is rarely to tell them that they are fundamentally a shit head and a failure. If a friend complains that their partner isn't very warm to them, we don't tell them they're getting what they deserve.
做自己的鐵哥們乍一聽好像有點怪怪的。因為我們總會下意識認為朋友是其他人，而不是另一個自我。但這個想法多少是有點價值的。因為我們通常都知道，該如何對待自己的朋友——理解並體諒他們。然而，我們卻很少這樣對待自己。朋友有難時，我們幾乎從不會說，你怎麼能笨成這樣，咱能不能長點腦子！如果朋友抱怨，他的另一半對他不冷不熱，我們說這不是他們的錯。
We try to reassure them that they're essentially likeable and that it's worth investigating what might be done. In friendship, We know instinctively how to deploy strategies of wisdom and consolation that we stubbornly refuse to apply to ourselves. There are some key moves a good friend would typically make, which can provide a model for what we should , ideally be doing with ourselves in our own heads. Firstly, a good friend likes you pretty much as you already are. Any suggestion they make or ambition they have about how you could change builds on a background of acceptance.
而是試著安慰對方：你這麼優秀，一定是哪裡搞錯了。咱們一塊想像辦法。當扮演「別人的朋友」時，我們似乎天生就知道，要怎樣跟對方相處，安慰對方。而當扮演「我們自己的朋友」時，卻變成了木腦袋。一個益友身上會有很多值得我們借鑑的地方。我們不妨把它們用在自己身上。請閉上眼睛，想像一下你是自己的朋友。首先，好朋友接受並欣賞現在的你，因此在你迷茫時，提出建議，並義無反顧，做你追夢路上的堅強後盾。
When they proposed that you might try a different tack. IT's not an ultimatum or a threat. They're not saying that you have to change or be abandoned. A friend insists we're good enough already, but they want to join forces with us to solve a challenge they feel we would properly benefit from overcoming without being flattering. Good friends also constantly keep in mind certain things were getting right. They don't think anything wrong with the ood compliment and mphasis on our strengths. IT's quietly galling, how easily we can lose sight of all our own good points when trouble strike.
也許有時候他們會建議你換條思路，但這並不是在危言聳聽或者否定你；也沒有要求你去放棄夢想，好朋友會拍拍你的肩膀，客氣啥，咱們是一家人！他們同我們並肩而行，因為我們沒有被逆境擊垮，反倒成長不少。他們從不阿諛奉承，但他們深知，我們變得越來越好了。他們不會做多餘的事。比如摸不著頭腦的稱讚或者對我們的優點拍馬屁。令人唏噓的是，事實上，我們一遭遇困境，我們就把自己所有的優點一股腦拋到了雲外。
The friend doesn't fall into this trap. They can acknowledge the difficulties while still holding onto a memory of our virtues. The good friend is compassionate. When we fail as we will, they are understanding and generous around or mishaps. Our folly doesn't exclude them from the circle of their love. The good friend definitely conveys that to err fail and screw up is just what we humans do. We will emerge from childhood with various biases in our character, which evolved to help us cope without necessarily imperfect parents. And these acquired habits of mind will reliably let us down in adult life.
然而好朋友可不會這樣。他們會一面迎接著困難，一面念叨著我們曾經的光輝偉績。好朋友是有同情心的。當我們一敗塗地時，他們善解人意，絲毫不在乎這點小意外。他們不會因為我們幹的傻事就疏遠我們。好朋友一定會說，錯就錯了，失敗也好，搞砸也罷，沒什麼大不了的。我們在成長的過程中，難免會有一些性格的缺陷，而這些缺陷最終都變成了，我們應對父母的手段。而這些不起眼的小缺陷，終究會成為我們日後的絆腳石。
But we're not to be blamed because we didn't deliberately set out to be like this. We didn't realistically have a lot of better options. We're indelibly required to make big decisions before we ever really understand what's at stake, or how our choices will play out. With steering blind in all our large moves around love and work, we opt for a move to a different city, but we can't possibly know whether we're going to flourish there. We have to select a career path when we still young and we don't know what hour later needs will be in long term relationships. We have to make a commitment to another person before we understand what it will be like to tie our lives so deeply to theirs.
但錯的並不是我們，因為我們也不是故意要成為這樣的。事實上，我們也曾掙扎著想改變，每個人都被成長所迫，在自己還沒有搞清楚狀況時，就做出了某些重大決定，且欠缺承擔後果的意識。在愛情與謀生的海洋裡，我們隨波逐浪，雙眼迷離，也許我們會選擇去其他的城市，但內心很清楚，我們不會再那裡待很久。年輕時，我們為了謀生找工作，也不清楚，怎樣維持長久的人際關係。我們還得向他人做出承諾，其實連自己也沒想清楚未來的生活，更何況是和對方一起生活。
The good friend knows that failures are not in fact, rare. They bring as a starting point their own and humanities vivid experience of messing up into play as key points of reference. They continually telling us that our specific case might be unique, but that the general structure is common. People don't just sometimes fail. Everyone fails, only we don't know about it. It's ironic, yet essentially hopeful that we usually know quite well how to be a better friend to near strangers than we know how to be to ourselves. The hopefuless lies in the fact that we do actually already possess the relevant skills of friendship.
但我們的朋友知道，這並不算失敗。他們半開玩笑地說，把事情搞砸是全人類都難以避免的通病，並說得有理有據。他們不斷告誡我們，雖然每個人的問題都不一樣，但其實都大同小異，人並不是偶爾才犯錯，是人都會犯錯，只是我們沒有意識到而已。說起來有點諷刺，但事實確實如此。通常我們都很會跟外人做朋友，卻鮮少知道如何跟自己相處。但至少，我們今天已經掌握了，與他人做朋友的技巧，所以，我們也能做自己的朋友。
It's just we haven't as yet directed them to the person who probably needs the most. Namely, of course, ourselves.
只是，我們現在還不夠理智，沒有把這些技巧用在最需要的那個人身上，而那個人，就是我們自己。