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alpha female (n.): often written as AF, a woman who does as she pleases
Whoa, controversial topic ahead. We here at AF Shanghai stand firm in our belief that women, no scratch that, human beings have the choice to do whatever they wish with their body. This article is inspired by a heated conversation one of our writers had with her mother that cost her just about all of her Skype credits.
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I』ve never wanted kids. I like to joke that I am 「more of a dog person,」 but when it comes to children the truth is this: I just don’t want them. And I never have.
I don’t judge those who have one or two or three mini-mes. I don’t even judge my friend who has five. Though I question her sanity and her and her husband’s ability to finance nearly half a dozen tiny human beings, especially in a city as hectic as Shanghai.
However, that’s their choice. But it’s never been right for me. Allow me to explain my reasons.
1. I Need A Lot of Quiet and Alone Time to Feel Sane
Kids are noisy. They like toys, cartoons, sports, dance recitals: all things that make a lot of noise. I am the kind of person who can be home alone all day without so much as turning on the radio. I like long stretches of quiet. I also like long stretches of alone time. Two hours is not a long stretch. Neither is two days if I’m being completely honest.
2. Kids Are Expensive
I just looked this up: The cost of raising a child in the United States today is $245,000. I can only imagine it being the same or maybe more in a city as culturally developed as Shanghai. Take a good, hard look at that figure. Where am I going to get all that money?
Plus, every new mother I know has uttered these words or something like them: 「I had no idea it was going to be this hard.」 And then I think: 「Really? Really? How could you not know?」
3. The idea of something growing inside of me is terrifying.
Yes, I am a woman and I am made to have a child inside of me, but I didn't choose to have a uterus. I do, however, have a choice on whether or not I wish to utilize my uterus.
My choice is to let it remain vacant for the entirety of my life because imagining having a child inside of me reminds me of alien movies, when alien fetuses burst from people's stomachs. That is what having a baby seems like to me. It is alien; it is obtrusive; it is undesirable.
4. I』ve NEVER Felt Old Enough
Every time a friend of mine has told me she is going to have a baby, my instant reaction is 「Are you sure you’re ready?」 It’s not that I still feel like a teenager, because I don’t. Most days, I feel as old as I am; I feel the weight of responsibility and obligations upon me. But somehow I』ve never felt old enough to be responsible for someone else.
There’s too much I need to learn (Why do people vote against their own best interests? Why can’t light escape a black hole?) before I attempt to teach someone else how to do life. I consider myself and my friends smart, but I still look around at my peers who are parents and think, 「How is it even possible that you are someone’s mother?」
5. I Didn’t Enjoy Being a Child
The mythology of my origin is that I came into this world screaming and that I screamed pretty much for my first three years solid. I don’t remember that, but I can tell you that outside of a few moments of joy — like the Christmas Eve I woke up to discover that Santa had made a trip to our house — I was not a happy kid. I grew up scared. I had constant headaches and stomachaches. I hated school. I felt dejected and alone much of the time.
Was the root of my misery nature or nurture? I don’t know. But if it’s the former, I』ve reasoned, why would I subject another human being to a gene pool prone to misery? If it was nurture, who am I to think that I could avoid passing on my unease in the world to my own offspring? My ego is not as strong as all that.
Conclusion:
It's important to note that a woman has many purposes and areas in life where she would like to and is capable of pursuing. For me, it's not a stance to negotiate or persuade. It can certainly be discussed, but please, as it’s a personal life choice, I don't appreciate your unsolicited input.
-Editor's note-
The question women who don't want children get often is, what if you regret it later on, you know, when you can't anymore? Answer: There are alternatives to having a child-some which may make the society a better place, like adopting an orphan- removing the biological path does not remove all paths.
Iris Yu is a 25 year old freelance photographer from Canada living between Shanghai and New York. She dubs Portland, Oregon as the city where she gained the most self improvement.
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