有一天，在一家餐廳，隔壁桌一對父子的對話如下：
父：我們已經點了一個玉米湯了，你還要點烤玉米，腦子有問題嗎？
兒：可是我想吃。
父：你是豬嗎，那你想吃就這樣點吧。你去弄些飲料吧。
兒：我該拿什麼飲料？
父：你弱智嗎？想喝什麼拿什麼！
兒（帶回來兩杯透明的飲料）
父：你神經病啊，拿兩杯一樣的？
兒：這一杯不一樣，你個傻子！
Shaming - The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that you did something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.
羞辱：指責與羞辱的區別在於，指責某個人，是說他某件事情做得不好，而羞辱某個人，則是說他這個人本身就很壞。
Feeling Deeply Stained
刻骨銘心的感受
Shaming is a technique used by abusive people to divert attention away from their own behavior and issues by putting pressure on a victim so they can maintain control. The victim is put into an impossible situation, where they feel they are inherently flawed and so can never measure up to the standards being imposed on them, and therefore must dedicate themselves to attempting to make up for their 『badness』.
羞辱，常被施暴者用於向受害者施加壓力，以此迴避施暴者自身的行為與問題，從而使施暴者掌控局面。
受害者被置於一種無法解決的困境：他們感到自身本質上是有缺陷的，因此永遠都無法滿足被施加於他們身上的標準，因此，他們必須努力去彌補自己的這種缺陷。
As a tactic, shaming is often used by Personality Disordered parents who misdirect their anger at their children. Unchosen children and adult children of Personality-Disordered parents are often made to feel worthless, useless, unloved and unappreciated.
作為一種策略，羞辱通常被有性格障礙的父母用來將自身憤怒轉移到孩子身上。由於這類父母，不被他們所喜愛的孩子以及他們的成年孩子通常會覺得自己毫無價值、一無是處、不被愛、不被欣賞。
Some examples of shaming statements include:
一些羞辱言辭包括：
「You were a mistake」
「你當初就是個錯誤」
「You could never do what he/she does」
「你永遠也做不到像他/她那樣的。」
「You』ve ruined my life」
「你毀掉了我的生活。」
「We are all disappointed in you」
「我們都對你很失望。」
「Shame on You!」
「你真可恥！」
Shaming, like sarcasm, is easy but damaging.
羞辱，如同嘲諷一樣，信手拈來，但卻「毀人不倦」。
I started to remember shaming incidents that happened when I was a child. This post isn't mean to be about blaming daddy and mommy, but to point out how most of us use shame to some extent or other as an attempt to control other people.
我開始想起童年時期的一些被羞辱經歷。這篇文章不是為了指責父母，而是為了指出我們大多數人是如何試圖用羞辱來控制他人的。
One incident that is very mild but for some reason has always stuck with me was this one: I was about 12 or 13, and I was sitting at our kitchen table with my dad, eating a slice of apple pie that my mom had made. She makes really good apple pie, and before I knew it, I had inhaled it, wolfed it down, snarfed it. It was like there had never been any pie there. My dad, still eating his piece, said something shaming about how quickly I had eaten the pie. I can't remember what he said, exactly, but I remember feeling a hot wave of shame course through me, which I can still feel when I think back on it. Even now, when I'm eating with others, I time my consumption to the people around me, so as not to finish faster than they do. When I do clean my plate faster, I feel slightly ashamed again. And when I see other people eat quickly, or take the last piece of a shared plate of food, I sometimes feel arrogant towards them, like they should be ashamed of themselves. I don't usually say anything, but I still feel it. That incident with my dad taught me that people who eat too quickly are pigs and are shameful.
其中一次羞辱經歷雖然是雞毛蒜皮的小事，但是卻始終令我難忘：當時我12或13歲，我正和父親坐在廚房餐桌前，吃母親做的蘋果派。她做的蘋果派很好吃，不知不覺間，我已經狼吞虎咽地把我那份蘋果派吃掉了，仿佛那裡從來沒什麼蘋果派。而父親依舊還在吃著他那份，然後就說了一些羞辱我吃蘋果派吃得太快的話。我已經記不清楚他具體說了什麼了，但是我還記得當時一股熱辣羞恥感遍布全身，每當我回憶當時場景，我都還能感受到這種羞恥感。
即使現在，當我和別人一起用餐時，我都會儘量和別人保持同步，避免吃得比別人快。當我的確要比別人先吃完時，我依舊會略感羞恥。而當我看到別人吃得很快，或從公共盤中拿最後一份食物時，我內心對他們的傲慢之情會油然而生，感覺他們應該為自己感到羞恥。通常我什麼都不會說，但我依舊會有這種感覺。當年父親的那一番話教給了我這樣一個理念：吃得太快的人是豬，是應該感到羞恥的。
I only recount this scene to show how effective shame can be in teaching others the lessons we think they should learn. Shaming works. Unless the person we're trying to shame really couldn't care less what we think of her, almost everyone will respond to shaming in some way, although it will almost never be in a way that nourishes the relationship between the shamer and the shamee. Shame makes us feel terrible, like we're horrible people, broken, worthless, and disgusting. And when someone shames us, we lose respect for that person. Shaming, like sarcasm, is easy but damaging.
之所以重述這件事，是想要表明：在想要讓別人記住一個教訓時，羞辱是多麼有效。羞辱會奏效。除非被羞辱之人絲毫不在意我們對他/她的看法，否則，幾乎所有人都會以某種方式對羞辱做出反應，只是在這眾多方式中，沒有一種可以有利於培養羞辱者與被羞辱者之間的關係。
羞辱讓我們對自己感覺糟糕，覺得我們很差勁、有問題、毫無價值、令人生厭。
而當別人羞辱我們時，他們就失去了我們對他們的尊敬。
羞辱，如同嘲諷一樣，信手拈來，但卻「毀人不倦」。
Brown defines shame as "the intense painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging." We are probably wired to feel shame because it keeps us in line with the rules of our society. When we break or flaunt the rules, we may be ostracized, which could mean death or at the very least, disconnection, which can feel worse than death. So the reason that shame works so well is because we're wired to connect to and to seek acceptance from others, and shame effectively withdraws that acceptance and connection.
But, as the apple pie incident shows us, shame can embed itself in us deeply. Shaming words may never be forgotten, and shaming others, though it may be effective for behavior change, damages them and lowers us in their esteem. Who wants to be around someone who tries to make them feel ashamed?
Brown將羞恥定義為：「認定自己有缺陷，因此認為自己不配被認可、不配被接納、不配歸屬於某個群體的極度痛苦感受或體驗。」
我們很可能天生會感到羞恥，因為這會讓我們遵守社會準則。當我們違背或無視這些準則時，我們可能會被孤立，這可能就會意味著死亡，最起碼也會是被疏遠，而被疏遠，可能比死亡還要令人感覺糟糕。所以，之所以羞辱如此奏效，是因為我們天生想要與他人建立聯繫，想要獲得別人認可，而羞辱，則能夠有效地撤回這種認可和聯繫。
但，正如上面的蘋果派經歷告訴我們的，羞恥感會深植於我們內心。羞辱言辭可能永遠不會被忘記。羞辱他人，儘管可能會很有效地讓對方改變行為，但卻會傷害對方，打擊對方自尊。誰又想要和一個試圖讓自己感到羞恥的人在一起呢？
There are many different ways we shame others: Sarcasm, name-calling, expressing disgust, and eye-rolling are all ways we communicate that someone else is not worthy of our respect. Shaming behaviors make us feel superior to that other person, as well as communicate to them that we wish they'd be or act differently, without us having to actually talk to them in an adult way and take responsibility for our own feelings. The same way teasing is so often rooted in hostility, shame takes its energy from judgment and self-righteousness. Shame, in whatever form it takes, is a way to control the other person by using their deeply ingrained need for connection to threaten them with disconnection. It's genius. And nefarious.
羞辱他人，有很多方式：諷刺、辱罵、表達厭惡、翻白眼等，都是我們與讓我們覺得不值得我們尊重之人溝通時所採用的方式。
羞辱行為會讓我們覺得自己比對方要優越，並向對方傳達我們希望他們改變自己或改變自身行為，但同時我們卻沒有採取成人該採用的成熟方式，也沒有對我們自身真實感受承擔責任。
就像是嘲笑，通常源於敵意，羞辱，則源於批判和自我正義感（自以為是）。羞辱，無論採取哪種形式，都是試圖利用對方內心深處對「聯繫」的需求，用「隔絕」作為威脅，以此來控制對方。這很高明，但也令人髮指。
The problem with a lot of people? They more or less apply reason and logic when dealing with strangers or non-intimate associates; but they save the shaming for their closest 「loved」 ones. This makes no sense at all. If strangers deserve to be treated on the rational and scientific level, why not the people you supposedly love most in the world? It should not be hard to do this; treating those you love with respect and benevolence ought to be the easiest thing in the world, if you think about it.
很多人的問題在於？當與陌生人或不親密之人交流時，他們或多或少都會採用理性或邏輯方式，但他們卻把羞辱留給了他們最親密的「所愛」之人。這很荒唐。如果陌生人值得理性、科學對待，為什麼對你本該最愛的那些人卻不這麼做呢？這並不難啊。如果你仔細去想，用尊重和寬容去對待你愛的人，這應本該是世界上最簡單的事情。
Shamers do not seek consent or agreement; they seek submission
羞辱者所追求的並不是許可和同意，他們要的是「服從」
Shamers do not seek consent or agreement; they seek submission. As a consequence, they do not use reason, logic and calm benevolence when dealing with others; they use intimidation, of the emotional kind. The purpose of shaming is not to inspire consent or agreement, but to step on another’s self-worth in hopes of gaining what you want. Shaming is shameful, because it’s so illogical, it’s so incompatible with human nature and requirements as thinking beings, and it undermines the very connections and associations most people want in their lives.
羞辱者所追求的並不是許可和同意，他們要的是「服從」。因此，當與他人交流時，他們並不會採用理性、邏輯和冷靜的寬容之心，他們採用的是精神上的恐嚇。
羞辱的目的不是想要對方的同意，而是通過去踐踏對方的自我價值感，來實現個人目的。羞辱他人，是可恥的，因為它絲毫不合邏輯，它違背了我們作為有思考能力的人類的本性以及需求，它破壞了大多數人在生活中迫切渴望的合群感與歸屬感。
Think of shaming as the verbal equivalent of slapping or hitting someone. The physical aggressor seeks submission through force (or the threat of it). The shaming aggressor seeks submission through an emotional methodology of intimidation.
可以將羞辱視為語言上的扇耳光或攻擊。肢體攻擊者試圖通過暴力（或威脅使用暴力）來使對方屈服，而羞辱者則是採用精神上的恐嚇，試圖使對方屈服。
Shaming works with people who feel low about themselves, or who are easily intimidated. It also works with people of higher self-esteem who simply do not want a fight. What rational person really wants a fight? The shamer exploits either kind of person by using his or her toxic lexicon to wear the person down.
羞辱對於大多數自卑之人，或容易被恐嚇之人都會奏效。對於自尊感較高，不屑於爭吵之人也會奏效。哪個理性的人會想要爭吵呢？羞辱者正是利用上述兩種類型之人的性格特點，通過有毒的言辭，去擊垮對方。
WHY PEOPLE SHAME
人們為什麼要羞辱？
People shame others for many reasons.
人們羞辱他人，出於很多原因。
They feel intimidated by someone or have been subjected to shame themselves, so they wield shame in an attempt to elevate themselves — oftentimes this is what’s going on in the heart of a bully.
他們害怕某人，或曾親自遭受羞辱，因此想要通過羞辱他人來抬高自己。
通常很多霸凌者的心理活動都是這樣的。
Others wield shame subconsciously projecting their own self-shame onto others — like when a child’s behavior embarrasses a parent and the parent retaliates with shame. This damages both the shamer and the shamed.
其他一些人則是通過羞辱他人，在潛意識中將個人羞恥感投射到他人身上——像是當一個孩子的行為讓家長感到難堪，家長就會用「羞辱」來報復。這對羞辱者和被羞辱者都會造成傷害。
Some have good intentions but don’t realize they’re causing harm instead of helping. They try to get someone to take responsibility for unacceptable behavior with shame. But that’s not what shame does.
一些人是出於善意，但並未意識到自己不僅沒有幫助對方，反而實際上在造成傷害。他們試圖通過羞辱讓某人為其某種不可接受的行為負責，但羞辱的真正作用卻並非如此。
Shame doesn’t correct behavior but indicts and condemns the person.
羞辱並不會真正矯正行為，而只是在控訴和譴責對方。
Shame — a painful emotion caused by the belief that one is, or is perceived by others to be, inferior or unworthy of affection or respect because of one’s actions, thoughts, circumstances, or experiences. A condition of disgrace or dishonor.
羞恥——一種痛苦的情緒，這種情緒因這種信念而導致：因為自己的某種行為、想法、客觀因素或經歷，讓自己，或他人眼中的自己低人一等，不值得被喜愛，不值得被尊重。一種丟臉或恥辱的處境。
Shame attacks our inherent value. Shame says there’s no coming back from this, no recovery, no hope, you’re bad, worthless and deserve to die. Shame drives people into hiding.
羞辱，攻擊的是我們的內在價值。羞辱在告訴我們：你沒救了，無藥可治，毫無希望，你壞透了，毫無價值，該死。羞恥會驅使人們選擇躲避。
Shame is a soul eating emotion. ― C.G. Jung
羞恥是一種齧噬靈魂的情緒。——榮格
When we shame someone it’s deeper than words. It cuts to the soul and feels like death. Shaming has been the precursor to many a suicide. Shaming people is destructive and hateful.
當我們羞辱他人時，其威力要超越於語言之上。它切入靈魂，宛如死亡一般。羞辱曾是很多自殺事件的導火索。羞辱他人，是具有摧毀性和充滿仇恨的。
We are not what we do. Who we are and what we do are connected but they are not the same. Shame is judgment without mercy.
Shaming a person gives them no opportunity to take responsibility and make a change.
我們的行為並不能定義我們自身。我們自身與我們的行為是相關的，但卻並不等同。羞辱是一種殘忍的評判。
羞辱一個人，並不會讓對方承擔責任、做出徹底改變。
How it Feels
羞辱帶給人何種感受——FOG
If you have been subjected to Shaming or Emotional Blackmail then it is likely that you have been living in a FOG of Fear, Obligation and Guilt
如果你曾經被羞辱或被情感勒索，那麼你很可能生活在FOG（恐懼、義務、內疚）之中。
Fear – that if you don’t do what this person wants there will be hell to pay.
恐懼——你害怕如果你不按照對方的想法去做，那麼你就需要付出慘重代價。
Obligation - you are somehow made to feel indebted to this person - you believe you owe them something even though you have taken nothing from them.
義務——出於某種原因，你覺得你欠對方的——儘管你從未從對方那裡拿過任何東西，但你相信你的確是欠對方的。
Guilt - you are unworthy - you have broken some unwritten rules - rules which you never agreed to and which were never fully justified or explained to you.
內疚——你毫無價值——你違背了一些潛在的規則——而你從來未曾認同過這些規則，這些規則也從來沒有正當理由，而且也沒有人向你解釋過這些規則。
Characteristics of Adults Shamed In Childhood
童年時期層遭受羞辱之成年人的特徵：
The following is quoted from Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise by Jane Middelton-Moz, Ph.D.
這一部分節選自 Jane Middelton-Moz博士《羞恥&內疚：偽裝大師》一書：
1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear exposure of self.
他們害怕自己的脆弱，害怕暴露自己。
2. Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.
他們可能會極度害羞、尷尬，感到低他人一等。他們相信的並不是他們會犯錯，而是相信他們本身就是錯誤。
3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door, prepared to run.
他們害怕親密，常常會迴避感情中的真正承諾。他們常常會感覺像是一隻腳放在門外，隨時準備逃離。
4. Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.
他們可能會看起來浮誇、自我中心，也可能會看起來很無私。
5. Adults shamed as children feel that, 「No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable.」
他們感覺「無論我做什麼，都不會有效果。我一無是處，不值得被愛，而且永遠都會是這樣。」
6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.
當別人給他們一些哪怕很細微的負面評價時，也常常會觸發他們的防禦機制。如果強迫他們去看他們的錯誤或不完美之處，他們會產生強烈的羞恥感。
7. Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.
他們通常會在被人指責自己前，先指責他人。
8. Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt. These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.
他們可能會遭受一些具有破壞性的內疚感。他們會經常道歉，他們會幫周圍人的行為擔負責任。
9. Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.
他們感覺自己像是外人。他們畢生都感到一種無處不在的孤獨感，即使當他們周圍環繞著關愛他們的人時，也是依舊如此。
10. Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.
他們會將關於自身的信念投射到別人身上。他們通常會負面解讀別人心裡活動，總是會覺得別人在評判自己。
11. Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.
對於他們引以為恥的一些自身品質特徵，如果別人身上也有這些特徵，他們通常會感到憤怒，會妄加批判，然後他們就可能會去羞辱別人。
12. Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and makeup in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.
他們通常覺得自己很醜、有缺陷、不完美。這些自我感受可能就會導致對服飾和化妝極度關注，試圖去掩蓋自己在外表與內心上的缺陷。
13. Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.
他們通常感到他們既受到外界因素控制，也受到內心因素控制。正常的自發表達被阻礙。
14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.
他們覺得在做事情時，要麼做到最好，要麼就不要做。這種內化的信念常常會導致「表現焦慮」和拖延症。
15. Adults shamed as children experience depression.
他們會經歷抑鬱。
16. Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.
他們會向自己和他人說謊。
17. Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholism, eating disorders, shopping, substance-abuse, list-making or gambling.
他們會通過一些強迫行為，如工作狂、飲食障礙、購物、藥物濫用、過度列清單或賭博等，來阻截自己的羞恥感。
18. Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.
他們通常有很多的工作或任務，但沒有友誼。
19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.
他們通常會強迫性地去處理過去的互動和事件，並將其理智化*（見文末注釋），以此作為抵禦疼痛的一種防禦機制。
20. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.
他們會陷於依賴或反依賴（不信任對方、拒絕依戀、拒絕親密）之中。
21. Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.
在情感上，他們幾乎沒有邊界感。他們覺得自己不斷受到別人的侵犯。他們通常會用牆壁、憤怒、討好或隔離的方式來構建虛假的邊界。
The key to dealing with a shamer?
應對羞辱者的關鍵是？
The key to dealing with a shamer? See shaming for what it actually is: weakness. Not just moral weakness, but intellectual weakness as well.
應對羞辱者的關鍵是？
認清羞辱的本質：欠缺。
不僅是道德上的欠缺，也是智力上的欠缺。
There are only two reasons someone would want to shame. One, the shamer has no valid argument to back up his point; all he has is verbal intimidation. Two, the shamer might have some valid arguments, but does not know what they are.
當一個人想要羞辱時，只有兩種原因：
第一：羞辱者並沒有合理的論據來支撐自己的論點，他有的只有語言上的恐嚇。
第二：羞辱者可能有合理論據，但自己卻並不知道。
Either way, the shamer is at an intellectual (and therefore psychological) disadvantage … provided you bring reason, logic and facts into the equation.
如論是哪一種情形，如果你採用理性、邏輯或事實的方式，羞辱者都處於智力（因此心理上）的劣勢。
Don’t defend yourself with a shamer. There’s nothing to defend. The shamer is the one who has introduced the arbitrary point that you’re somehow bad, simply for not doing something he or she feels you should do; or not thinking something he or she believes you should think.
面對羞辱者，無需為自己辯護。沒有什麼可辯護的。是羞辱者自說自話地指責你很壞，沒有按照他/她的想法做事或思考。
「Why should I do that?
What’s the evidence in support of my doing that?
What facts lead you to that particular conclusion?」
Try not to respond to a shamer with hurt, counter-hostility or defensiveness. Fight back with facts and logic, if you choose to fight at all.
「為什麼我要那麼做？
「我這樣做是出於何種證據？」
「你的這一結論基於哪些事實？」
儘量不要用傷害、敵對或自我防禦的方式回應羞辱者。
如果你想反擊，那麼，用事實和邏輯反擊。
These are calm, even benevolent ways to respond to a shamer without selflessly and humbly turning the other cheek. Because in doing so, you’re holding the shamer accountable for his intellectual weakness, and exposing it in the process.
面對羞辱者，這些是冷靜、甚至寬容的應對方式，同時也不需要無私、謙卑地被打了左臉再伸出去右臉。
當你採用上述方式，你就讓羞辱者對自己智力上的欠缺負責，並且在這個過程中，去暴露出對方在智力上的欠缺。
Think about it. The only way to really persuade someone of something is through convincing them via facts, logic, reason, examples and the like. Nobody learns anything by being called a name. Even if the shamer happens to be right, he does his cause no service by distracting from the arguments that would support his point by calling you names or making subtle threats.
Will responding to the shamer in this way get the shaming to stop? Probably not. Generally speaking, any person who wants to engage in shaming in the first place is not a fully reasonable person. However, some shamers are less unreasonable than others. Some have picked it up as a habit, without fully realizing it, and once confronted with the cool, refreshing breeze of logic and reason will surrender a bit, if you shift the subject around.
仔細想，唯一可以真正說服他人的方式，只有通過事實、邏輯、理性、實例等方式。
沒有人可以從被辱罵中學到任何東西。即使羞辱者碰巧是對的，但他通過辱罵你或做出隱性威脅，就偏離了他的論據，因此對其正當性毫無益處。
用這種方式回應羞辱者，會讓他/她停下來嗎？很可能不會。一般來說，想要羞辱他人的人，從一開始就不是一個講道理之人。但一些羞辱者會稍微講道理一些。一些人只是習得了這種習慣，並沒有充分意識到這一問題，如果你能把話題轉移，他們一旦被清新冷冽的邏輯與理性清風拂面，會讓步一些。
But it’s also possible that the shamer will get even angrier, and more hostile, when you counter with facts and logic. Then the best thing to do is simply exit the conversation. Leave the room, or the online exchange. Or simply withdraw, and go back to what you’re doing. Delete them from your life, if you can, or at least minimize their presence. Leave them to stew in their own toxic juices, and view this as a way of holding them accountable for the way they are, something too few people presently do.
但當你以事實和邏輯反駁時，羞辱者也可能會變得更加生氣，甚至更具敵意。那麼，最好的辦法就是退出談話。離開房間，或者停止網上交流。也或者只是抽身而退，繼續做自己的事情。如果可能，將對方從你的生命中刪除掉，或者至少儘可能減少他們在你生命中的存在。讓他們在自己的毒液中自斟自飲，並將這視為讓他們為自身行為負責的一種方式。而這種方式，卻很少有人選擇使用。
Shaming can be found anywhere. At work, in business, in marital or family relationships.
You should not engage in it. Nor should you tolerate it. You should stand up to shaming using reason; and when the shamer shows indifference to reason, then simply exit, at least on those particular subjects at that point in time. (Obviously, in extreme cases where shamers are violent, deceitful or otherwise criminal, stronger action will be required for self-protection and in the interest of justice.)
羞辱，無處不在。在工作中、商務場合、婚姻或家庭關係中，都不乏其身影。
你不應該參與，也不應該縱容。你應該用理性來對抗羞辱，而當羞辱者對理性嗤之以鼻時，那麼離開就好，至少當涉及到當時的某些特定話題，應選擇這樣做。（很顯然，在一些極端情形中，羞辱者很暴力、有欺詐或有犯罪行為，那麼為了自我保護，為了正義，就需要採取更強硬的行動。）
Shamers, in most cases, are not breaking the law. They have no physical weapons. Their power is entirely psychological. It’s 100 percent dependent on the power you give to their words. It’s totally under your control to stop letting those words have power.
在大部分情形下，羞辱者並不會觸犯法律。他們沒有實際的武器，他們的力量是完全在心理層面上的。
他們的這種力量100%取決於你為他們的話語所賦予的力量。是否停止為他們的言辭賦予力量，是完全由你掌控的！
(If you are the one who is in the habit of blaming others), the best weapon against shame is empathy. If we tune in to our empathy, our ability to understand how it might feel to be in someone else's shoes, we can understand how painful it is to hear shaming words. If we've resolved not to cause harm to others, we can use this empathy as a way to turn off the instinct to shame others, and as a reminder to choose kinder words when we need to communicate. We can practice the art of checking our words before speaking them, especially when we feel disgust, anger, or hurt. Are the words we are about to say necessary, helpful, and true? If not, then, with practice, we can choose not to say them, and instead consider what it is that we really want to communicate.
（如果你習慣羞辱他人），那麼最好的解決辦法就是「同理心」。如果我們能夠建立同理心，去設身處地地去站在他人角度思考，我們就能夠理解羞辱言辭是多麼令人痛苦。如果我們決定不再去傷害他人，那麼，我們可以通過同理心，來關閉自己羞辱他人的本性，並提醒我們在交流時選擇更禮貌的詞。我們可以練習在話語出口前先檢查一遍，尤其當我們在經歷厭惡、憤怒或傷痛等感受時。我們將要說出口的話是否有必要？是否有幫助？是否是事實？如果不是，那麼通過練習，我們可以選擇不將這些話說出口，並思考，我們真正想要傳達給對方的，究竟是什麼。
Don’t believe what a Shamer tells you. Nobody who truly loves you will want you to feel bad about yourself.
Don’t argue or debate with a Shamer - if someone is trying to shame you then they are not interested in seeking the truth. Save your arguments for a time when they are ready to listen with respect.
· Don’t stay in the same room with a person who is trying to shame you. Remove yourself politely and tell them you』ll be back when they are ready to treat you with respect.
· Don’t give into their demands - if you give them what they want when they use shame you might as well say to them 「keep doing it」. Instead wait until they are ready to speak respectfully to you and then tell them you will negotiate on what you BOTH want.
If you find yourself questioning the shame another person is dumping onto you then it is quite likely that the problem is with them - not with you. Healthy people don’t go around dumping shame on others.
Confront the Shamer gently and tell them, 「I am choosing not to accept what you have said because I believe it is not true. Please stop speaking this way as it hurts me and I will be compelled to remove myself from your presence whenever you speak this way.」 Then end the conversation right there.
Surround yourself with healthy people who will tell it like it is with kindness. Find a few supportive friends or trusted acquaintances who can reality check both your self-perception and any shaming statements you have internalized.
Get out from under the control of a Shamer if at all possible. Remove yourself from their influence, their poison tongue or their manipulative behaviors - that’s not a healthy place to be for anybody and shame never brought out the best in anybody.
Write down the qualities you like about yourself. Remind yourself you have gifts and talents and that you are unique in this world.
Intellectualization is the overemphasis on thinking when confronted with an unacceptable impulse, situation or behavior without employing any emotions whatsoever to help mediate and place the thoughts into an emotional, human context. Rather than deal with the painful associated emotions, a person might employ intellectualization to distance themselves from the impulse, event or behavior. For instance, a person who has just been given a terminal medical diagnosis, instead of expressing their sadness and grief, focuses instead on the details of all possible fruitless medical procedures.
理智化，是指當面對無法接受的衝動、情形或行為時，過度強調「理性思考」，不摻雜任何情緒，思考方式也完全脫離情緒和人性情感。一個人可能會採用「理智化」機制，使自己遠離某種衝動、事件或行為，而不是去直接面對與之相關的痛苦情緒。例如，剛剛被下達晚期病情診斷的患者，並沒有表達出悲傷和痛苦，反而是將注意力全部集中於所有已無益的醫療流程的種種細節上。
❖ Example
After hearing that his grandmother has expired, Pete quickly gets busy with arranging for the funeral and contacting family members. He only thinks of all the tasks that he has to complete and does not give a thought to how close he was to his grandmother or how her death will affect him.
❖補充示例
聽到祖母過世的消息後，Pete很快忙著安排葬禮、聯繫家人。他只想著他需要完成的所有任務，絲毫不去想他曾經與祖母多麼親近、她的去世將帶給他怎樣的影響。