我今天和朋友一起看了看了Netflix的《Death to 2020》Mockmentary（中文可以翻譯成嘲諷紀錄片？）
雖然看著Samual Jackson (神盾局特工的局長), Hugh Grant(李安版本理智與情感的Edward&真愛至上總理), Lisa Kudrow(老友記的Phebo)等等的熟悉臉孔，還有各種對社會政治的諷刺笑出聲來，我卻不得不面對「這荒誕的劇情居然真的是2020的現實」而滿懷悲哀——這以英美代表的西方視角2020，是我切切實實以一個中國留學生+實習戲劇治療師感受到的。我已經知道今年發生了很多事情了，沒想到居然發生了這麼多事情。
還沒看到職員表的時候，我就對我朋友說:"Netflix"一定要再拍一本2021的「紀錄片。 」結果他們片尾還真的自己吐槽自己哈哈。希望有機會能夠寫一寫其中的感悟。
哎呀給你扯遠了！
這可不是我想說的。
明天就是2020年最後一天，可能你會許下新的一年信念和願景，可能你會和家人朋友慶祝，可能你因為疫情獨自一人享受自由。無論如何，給生活帶來一點點的儀式感都是很美妙的事情。如果你想跟2020做一個告別，我這裡有一個寫作的題目分享給你。
我的同學Megan在我們Messenger Group裡面發了一個Megan Fally’s writing prompt: Write a resignation letter to a role you play in your life that you want to leave behind in the new year. 給你想要在新年來臨之前，生活中曾經有重要意義，但是現在可以放下的一個角色，寫一封告別信吧。
可能我今年學到的最重要的事情其中之一，是告別的重要性吧。原來告別都是是一件需要時間去準備和消化的東西。我們總是那麼期待新年的開始，匆匆寫下願景，然後匆匆跑到結尾，發現什麼也沒有完成。巨大的失落感把我們逼向下一個新的開始，又是一個循環的奔跑。越跑越累，越來越停不下來。
我發現我很優秀的朋友，要麼是對過去與未來都不會太過於執著，要麼是永遠都帶著過去的成就感和未來的期待感。他們都是活在當下的人。
當然，他們不會去思考我這些，想這些的你我他下意識的把時間的鐘表已經按了暫停。我抓著一根過去的繩子，看著它在我手中飛速的溜走，我想抓住它，但它用加快速度的消逝提醒我早已離去——其實那根繩子都不是真的，只不過是想像中的。是我內心執念的繩子，我害怕。我害怕放下它。因為我害怕未來的未知。
所以你我需要停下來，用放大鏡縮小確認一下自己的位置，自己與自己的過去和未來的位置。
我和Regina討論了一下該寫哪一個，我有想寫lonely one, negative one, sad one, ED one。但他們都差不多，而且我目前也好像還沒有辦法說再見。她給我推薦了一個caretaker，就是我總是去照顧別人的想法這個角色。我最後把它命名為取悅平息者people pleaser/appeaser.
下面是我的告別信，就不翻譯了。我個人覺得寫英文能夠讓我表達和連接自己的情感，而中文能夠增加我的理性。我也和Regina討論過這個問題，可能是：
1)我寫英文作文表達情感的次數遠遠大於寫中文 ，我能夠找到更多精準的詞語來表達
2)中文太接近我的創傷了，英文有一種distancing effect距離作用，讓我更加安全的表達
3)英文比較straightfoward& personal(直接，個人化），中文比較關係化社會化，通常不會把個人放在首位
4)從中文轉化到非母語的英文需要左腦處理，能夠讓我更加鎮定
總之，用你喜歡舒服的方式來就好。
Now, I’m going to write the resignation letter to the role I have been holding for so long.I tried to wait for it until my 24th birthday, but somehow life is warning me. Stop procrastination. Procrastination is fear.The English language has some magic power. Every time I write, I am making a special treat for myself and for the audience who dropped by across time and space. Three cups of joy, two scoops of gratitude, one splash of tenderness, with some sprinkles of sorrow as decoration.It’s a phase I hardly enter when writing Chinese. Maybe because a second language forces my brain to slow down. Maybe I learned this language through love and care, which will automatically come out when I use it.I’m here to say goodbye to the role I have held for so long. The role of a people pleaser.Dear role of people pleaser:You have worked so hard. For 23 years. You have been trying to make others happy and content by sacrificing your own needs. Sometimes, a large chunk of times, through hurting and torturing yourself.It can be traced back to childhood. Your mom cried endlessly when you are an infant. You developed the role because you want your mom to be happy. You didn’t know what’s wrong and thought she cried because of you. It must be you. You did terrible things, so you were meant to be punished. Then growing up, you experienced tremendous joy visiting your dad every month in a different city. Every encounter has to end with departure. You hated goodbyes. You must have done something wrong so your dad had to leave you. Growing, growing, you saw parents fighting and arguing. Again, you thought you weren’t good. You wanted your parents, to stay together and be peaceful. So you created some troubles yourself, either by crying louder and shouting to distract them toward you, or by demanding them doing things for you constantly such as picking you up in school, making food, going on trips, etc. However, you actually didn’t want that. That’s why when the three of you went outside, you didn’t enjoy the trip at all. You wanted to grow independent. But you also worry about them so much. They couldn’t understand each other and communicate. Your mom wants verbal affection from your dad. Your dad wants sensitivity and physical attention to the cleanness, care from your mom. Your mom kept demanding and wouldn’t listen, your dad couldn’t express and kept complaining. You saw everything. You thought you had to do things between them. To hold them together.Growing growing growing, you got an eating disorder. You lost the sense of purpose, to meddle business of your parents, of people you shouldn’t take the responsibilities in the first place. You developed an illness in order to return to your child's state, go back to your parents. You seek destruction, and then attention, then amendment, and finally peace. However, you are growing up. Your adult identity, the wise one also wants attention. The wise one wants to keep growing to find the bigger world – remember because you want to see the bigger world and are still figuring out the world. The child identity, the innocent one, however, is innocent, lively, and scared. The people pleaser, you, come out again, carry out two confused, in development roles forward and backward.At this point, I suddenly realized that you are actually the defender, the protector, the guardian, the warrior role in disguise. Or maybe call you the doppelgänger (the ghost of a living person, altered ego)? You came up when people are drawn to you and become your friends, close relatives. You saw them suffering and couldn’t help solving and giving up yourself to salvage them. You are afraid to lose them, even though sometimes you actually don’t need them at all (like clients, like some acquaintances). Here are several reasons. One is you treat them like your original family. Your mom or your dad. You are afraid they will be mad at you and you did something wrong. Another reason is you were traumatized before in middle school by one of your classmates. You trusted her too quickly and couldn’t get out because she controlled you. You crave friendship and relationships and believed if you leave, you will be lonely and back to isolation.People pleaser, you have two strong powers. Please and appease. You never allow people to see who you really are because you believe you have to exist. They won’t accept your true identities. You believe your true child and wise one, are intimidating and chaotic. People want peaceful people. Actually, you want peaceful people because you are so tired of childhood chaos and noises.At this time of writing, I felt you felt seen. My heart is feeling, releasing so it means suppressed emotions are coming. If I pay more attention, my neck is feeling, shaking, because I am speaking the truth. It felts scary and also exciting, right? You have to keep doing your jobs even if you are surrounded by misunderstandings, judgments, even curses. No one is more sincere and courageous than you to keep fighting and keep living. I awe you. I honor you. I cherish you so much, at this moment.How amazing! English, a second language acknowledges you so much and gives me the words to thank you! How amazing that is!People pleaser, are you ready to let me go? Or to say more correctly! Are you ready to return to your master Warrior self and enjoy lifelong peace?I think the answer, I know the answer is YES. I feel you are nodding with endless tears coming out of your eyes. How much joy to be seen? To be seen by self with so much care and love?People pleaser, people appeaser, you want to say something to me at this time of leaving. You will go back to the Warrior side and then transform yourself to a new identity, People carer. People carer gives moderate attention to those who really cherish and honor you. You give moderate care without any sacrifice of my true self. You are not afraid to stand up against bad guys when they are harming you. You 「please/appease」 them to help me get away from them, not to make them tie me close longer. You are speaking now, that you see how much I have grown and gained.You trust me now to deal with the feeling of loneliness - the dissatisfaction of being alone. You won’t come out to save me and drag me to another loophole – even though you have a good intention – because those people can’t save my problem. You trust me now to deal with a goodbye and strong boundaries – the fear of abandonment. You won’t try to manipulate people and give people more than they should have because you know I am attracting real connections only if I allow myself to shine and show up. Those are not what I want. I am rising up to get into a higher level of people and friends. I can still go down to connect with others if I want to, but I don’t need to sacrifice myself in order to fit in. I belong to a higher state. When I see suffering people, you won’t come out and ask me what should you do to save them? They are having as same strong power as I have to solve themselves. I carry them for a little bit. And I let it go. Well, you are sacred right now. I get it. It’s too much for you now. Remember, you are not abandoned. I still cherish every action and intention you have. But I ask you to give the power back to me and let me decide. It’s okay to surrender. And remember you are transforming to a higher state as well, the greater care role. You care and know letting it go is also care. Their frustrations are their problems unable to see the truth. Even they are directed to me and you want to protect me, remember I am not taking them in. You don’t need to, and when you feel you need to, ask someone else, the warrior, your main buddy to step up. You are exhausted and burnt out. Pleasing them only makes you have to do more and drain me more. 無為 art of doing nothing, let myself be a crystal, be a mirror, reflecting all back to the person.Your responsibilities are done for now. I don’t think you are sad to leave. You just worry about me. You are actually crying for me. Tears of joy right? Can I call you inner mother? The last time? People pleaser, people appeaser, this is my last time to call your name. At the end of this writing, you are now People carer. With new responsibilities, hallow task. You are now carrying me to a higher state. You are no longer a defense position. I bring you from the front gate of my castle to the window of my bedroom. You are with me now.Now, back to your warrior master. Take a big big sleep. And wait for the transformation in your dream. Wait years of struggles and hardship soothed by the spirit in your dream. And then, open your eyes, feel refreshed, to begin your next journey.Goodbye, and welcome back, People carer.I’m ready to blossom. I am already blossom.Thank you. Thank you. Gratitude. Thank you. I love you 1000.」我個人所特別respect的人，是勇於告別自己過去的成功，永遠追求新生活的人」——魯白
你想要和哪一個角色告別呢？