My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as 「Who?」 which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.
開場先是自嘲下自己默默無聞不為所知，然後利用中英文諧音，再聯繫到信用卡密碼保護，因為網上註冊時 選擇用於取回密碼的驗證問題裡，最常見的就是媽媽的姓氏是什麼。
Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.
因為前一陣子白宮舉行一個活動，美國一對夫妻混過白宮層層保安，裝作是白宮邀請的貴賓，還跟這些政客 合影留念並發到網上，其中就有坐在邊上的副總統Joe Biden，被曝光後，在美國引起很大爭議，白宮的安保問題被質疑。
I grew up in China. Who didn’t?
我在中國長大，誰不是呢？裝作無知，認為每個人都是中國人，暗諷了一些美國人的自大，以為世界就是美國。
Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.
主要是用生動而誇張的語言形容小時候生活環境的惡劣，光速比聲速快，後者跟石頭飛散的速度差不多，就 是遠處一道閃光，幾秒後隆隆爆炸聲伴著小石子飛濺過來。
另外提到rice paddy，呼應後文自己在rice university讀phd。
My dad was a grumpy guy. But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes. When I was 7 he said to me, 「Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?」 5 minutes later, I said, 「Why?」 He said, 「Because I said so!」
形容父親脾氣暴躁，毫無邏輯，頤指氣使。5分鐘後是笑點，如此荒謬的問題還想了那麼久。這兩段就是誇 張描述下自己的童年，因為跟美國人的經歷完全不同，觀眾會因為新鮮荒謬而發笑。
In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now. I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, 「If you don’t speak English, go home!」 And I didn’t notice it for two years. that wasn’t a joke, until now.
這句是臨場發揮，效果很好，因為前面提到rice paddy，所以強調一下這個不是笑話，是真的。bumper sticker這個牌子的內容和所用的語言本身的矛盾是一個笑點。
We always wanted my son to become the president. We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public. Sometimes I had to say to him in public, 「If you don’t speak English, go home!」 He said, 「Why do I have to learn two languages?」 I said, 「When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!」
此處用到了剛才sticker上的話；間接表達了中國是美國的債權國，屬於monologue常用技 巧：政治時事熱點就那麼幾條，關鍵是能夠委婉間接的通過不同的段子說到這個點上。
After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, 「Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?」 What’s the second Amendment? We were like, 「Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?」 What is Roe vs Wade? We went, 「Ahh…, two ways of coming to the US?」
我在中國有件事肯定不如在美國，那就是民族性。用同一個答案回答了兩個美國歷史問題，非常有笑果，用 移民的角度「誤解」美國的著名墮胎案判例，是一般美國人無法想像的視角。
Later I read a lot about American history. So much so that I started to feel white guilt. In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents』 income for early education and healthcare.
這段看上去很詭異，作為一個黃色人種，怎麼會有這種優越感，去產生white guilt，實際上在為後面跟總統比做鋪墊。
I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed message! I think there was a movie about him. It’s called 「Kill Bill」
這段是一種很微妙的搞笑，如果歐巴馬那天不是臨時有事，在邊上坐著的話會很有意思。kill bill的bill不是指柯林頓，應該指法案。Scott Brown是共和黨人，剛當選麻省議員，反對全民醫保。所以說他kill bill 「扼殺了（醫保）法案」。
We have Mr. vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I have read your autobiography and today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.
美國政客是要被隨時拿來開涮的，其他的comedian諷刺起來比黃西狠得多。這裡提到皮特和朱莉可 以做兩種解釋:一是自傳的文字都可以用來形容明星了，二是若將自傳拍成電影的話得請他倆來出演才夠格。
We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers. I once wrote for the campus newspaper. Journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only in a newspaper can I say, 「I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer (nay-sayer)」 ,my point exactly.
馬叫聲英文是neigh，neigh-sayer就是發出馬叫聲的人，諧音nay-sayer，後者 是總說反對意見，投反對票的人，na這個詞y常用在現場口頭投票，如果反對，一般說nay，不說no。在座很多記者，我認為是我的同行，還有上面的自炫比 歐巴馬優越，因為不用健身，都是一種比較難解釋很微妙的幽默，可以理解為對那些自我感覺良好的人的一種諷刺。
my point exactly，這正是我想說的，是用這個蹩腳的雙關來解釋共和黨近一年來的表現：對歐巴馬的幾乎所有提案都持反對票，同時諷刺一下他們的動機：就是為了 反對而反對。
This is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC. If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!
PBS有點類似中國的中央電視臺，弘揚主旋律為主，QVC是電視購物頻道，所以說這倆的審查和煽動性 比較強。明知自己的演講時CSPAN在直播，但還諷刺一下這個電視臺，美國人很喜歡這麼幹。CSPAN相當於美國國會的監控錄像，全天直播國會的各種會議，聽證，剛開始看了新鮮，時間長了就很無聊。
I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event. I showed the White House my jokes about the president, and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform. Take that Stephen Colbert! Obama has been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it. You can’t get more bad-ass than that! The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.
歐巴馬沒到，但也沒忘調侃一下他，反襯自己寫的那幾個笑話的威力。提到Stephen Colbert，因為幾年前的記者招待會，他當著bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush臉色很難看，蘿拉甚至罵了粗口，但就是當面很尷尬而已，而我把 歐巴馬嚇得都不敢來了，還開始考慮是否該讓這些移民來到美國。take that Stephen Colbert相當於說：怎麼樣Stephen Colbert，我比你牛X吧。
I finally became a US citizen in 2008. Thank you! America is number one! That’s true! We won the World Series every year!
諷刺了美國國內的各種職業聯賽冠軍頭銜都叫World Champion。
After becoming the U.S. citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden. (Turn and face Biden) You are welcome. You had me at 「Yes we can」 That was their slogan.
當眾邀功歐巴馬和拜登的當選，You had me那句是指，你們的那句Yes we can打動了我。
After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself. I have to explain a little here. I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy. I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell. Now we have a president who is half black half white. That just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white. Two negatives make a positive.
Two negatives make a positive，負負得正，joe在其他節目裡還說過下一句的，這次沒說出來，就是two illegals make a legal，指只要在美國境內出生就自動獲得美國國籍，無論父母身份。
So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade. You too? I understand that Americans are suffering. My campaign slogan will be, 「Who cares!」
這個who cares是經典，用了一開始說的話，可以理解為hu cares，也就是我關心大家的疾苦，同時who cares這個意思也諷刺了一下美國競選的本質，宣傳口號是口號，當選了也許就不那麼關注老百姓的感受了。
網上很多人說這個who也指hu主席，我覺得沒有這層意思，就是 我在乎V.S. 誰tm在乎呢
If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required, that would get me the youth vote. You see that I am married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like:」Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever!」
同性婚姻問題是政治熱點。一半的婚姻是要持續一生的，正常思維是擔心兩個人會離婚，這裡反向思維，頗有笑果。
I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.
不斷地調侃總統副總統。Olson twins是著名雙胞胎，童星。曾經兩人演一個角色，在《full house》裡。
Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes. If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.
如果當選，我將找到治療自然死亡的方法，諷刺一下美國總統的大選的諸多空頭承諾，很多不可能實現的。pre-existing conditions是指購買醫療保險前的身體狀況，保險公司會相應的拒保或者提高保費。
I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius. It was 100 degrees and now it’s 40! You are welcome! I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.
無釐頭的解決全球變暖方法。最後一句是08年美國的經典段子，麥凱恩搭檔，阿拉斯加女州長佩林接受採 訪被問到有什麼外交經驗時，說了類似的話，但不是原句。後來經喜劇女王Tina Fey在SNL上模仿調侃，這句成為經典。
On foreign policy. I believe that unilateralism is too expensive; open dialog is too slow. If elected, I will go with text messaging. I』ll text our allies just to say hi; and text our enemies when they are driving. 「OMG you are making nuclear weapons! But U R doing it wrong, LOL!」
I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents』 Association for giving such an incredible honor! This is the first time I wish my 3 year old son knew what I was doing.
最後感謝提到自己的兒子，很溫馨。