「用英文優雅地撕逼，
這是一門學問」
❖文/言又一十
知乎專欄：人人都是翻譯官
☛http://zhuanlan.zhihu.com/translate
本文首發於微信公眾號：人人都是翻譯官（rrdsfyg）
受英式吐槽的啟發，今天來說說如何機智又優雅地用英文撕逼。
在面對別人的惡言惡語時，可以在內心憤怒，但一定要有涵養。不要讓沒有涵養的憤怒教會別人如何來傷害你，要用有涵養的憤怒告訴一些人，你是惹不起的。我們完全可以在有涵養的情況下保持憤怒，涵養在憤怒面前會光芒萬丈，這樣的憤怒更有力，也更有智慧。在這我們可以借鑑英式幽默。
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英式幽默和美式幽默像是爵士和朋克的存在。美式幽默讓你笑的嘴抽筋，可英式幽默是讓你笑的腦抽筋。如果是美式幽默是性感辣妹，那英式幽默則是青樓密藏的頭牌。
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美式幽默習慣把話說滿，各種調侃誇張，取材生活化，比較接地氣，參考金凱瑞、《friends》、《TBBT》、《2 broken girls》等。
英式幽默沒有美式幽默那麼直露淺顯，傲嬌腐國人民似乎自帶一種高級又內涵的幽默感。他們腦迴路比較清奇，拐彎抹角地機智吐槽，這種吐槽不帶一個髒字，相對上得了臺面些；他們擅用雙關和各種梗，喜歡punchline，暗著諷刺，敢於自黑；英式幽默有一種很明顯的挖苦意味，吐槽取材也多樣化，敢拿政治、階級、性取向、歷史名著、男女關係等等開涮，參考《Yes, Prime Minister》、《Full English》、《coupling》、《Black Books》、《Little Britain》等。所以，英式吐槽適合細嚼慢咽，笑點和吐槽點較隱晦，需要你自己去get，被損的人不懂英式幽默的話還自以為在誇自己。
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如何一本正經地用英語吐槽，這真是一門學問。聽者能否get到這種幽默，不單單靠單純的英文理解能力。明明每個詞都聽懂了，可能還是捉不住笑點，聽得懂字面語言卻不能領會言外之意。語言本身只是一層皮，皮下的血脈是什麼呢？是文化。
雖說實戰經驗才是最鍛鍊人的，但平常也要多看，多聽，多學，多變，反覆腦補，充實自己的小詞庫、金句庫和梗知識，在必要關頭可以搬出一些前輩留下的撕逼名句，力挽狂瀾，還更帶感。一十整理了100個撕逼金句！來學習一下地道又高級的英語表達技巧，我有翻譯渣的地方，請輕噴。
εïз
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1. It's kinda sad watching you attempt to fit your entire vocabulary into a sentence.
看著你努力傾盡腦瓜裡的所有詞彙組成一句話的樣子，真是令人憂桑。
2. You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
（人類）進化可以倒退，你是一個血淋淋的證明。
3. I bet your mother has a loud bark!
我猜你媽鐵定吠聲洪亮!
☛ 註：Son of a B**ch…
4. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
作為一個局外人，你對我們人類有啥看法?
5.You look like a before picture.
你長得就像（廣告裡）那些 「使用前」的照片。
6．Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
趕緊的，快向大夥秀出你腦瓜裡所有的知識，反正十秒鐘就夠了。
7. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never usedit.
我猜你的大腦一定是全新出廠未設置，從來沒被用過。
8. Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to likeyou?
你想讓大夥接受真實的你，還是想讓大家喜歡你?
9. Are your parents siblings?
你爹娘是親兄妹吧?
10. If you had another brain, it would be lonely.
假設你長出另一個大腦，那它會很寂寞的。
11. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen atbirth?
你可曾想過，如果你出生時沒缺氧，現在的人生會是怎樣一番風景?
12. When God was throwing intelligence down to the Earth, you were holdingan umbrella.
當上帝向人間播撒智慧的時候，你卻打了傘。
13. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
你是怎麼到這的? 是有人打開籠子放你出來的嗎?
14．You are dark and handsome. When it's dark, you’re handsome.
你又黑又帥。天黑的時候你最帥。
15. You should be the poster child for birth control.
你該去給避孕廣告帶鹽。
☛ 註：poster child: 出現在海報上的兒童; 代表人物; 典型。
16. If brains were dynamite you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose.
假設大腦是炸藥，那你連炸鼻涕（擤鼻子）的威力都木有。
☛ 註：blow在這雙關，爆炸or擤鼻子。
17. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; itwould be genocide!
如果要殺掉所有討厭你的人，那就不是謀殺那麼簡單了，那是種族清洗啊!
18. If your brain were chocolate, it wouldn't fill an M&M.
如果你的腦瓜是巧克力做的，那它連一顆M&M豆都裝不滿。
19. She has a nice butter face. Everything looks nice, but her face.
妹子背影那麼撩人，奈何這臉長得驚險。
☛ 註：美國俚語butter face是but her face的諧音。A homonym that sounds like "but her face." To call a woman a"butter face" is to say her body is very sexy but her face is ugly. 形容身材一級棒，可惜臉蛋卻吃藕的恐龍妹。
20. Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd one is foryou.
鮮紅的玫瑰，嬌豔的紫羅蘭，我有五指，送你中指。
☛ 註：引用了英文中一首流傳已久的膾炙人口的打油情詩→「Roses are red/ Violets are blue/ Sugar is sweet/ And so are you」，然而這詩已經被很多人玩壞了……
21. He's so ugly, robbers give him their masks to wear.
他吃藕到劫匪見了都不忍直視，心疼得把頭套摘下來給他戴上。
22. The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
他兩眼閃爍的光芒，是太陽照進他雙耳間的光芒（暗指腦殼空空如也~）。
23. They said you were a big asset. I told them they were off by two letters.
有人說你是莎士比亞，我告訴他們：「你們多說了倆字啊（士和亞）。」
☛ 註：asset去掉末尾兩個字母是ass，傻X/魂淡。
24. Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
傻X這病木有疼痛感，太TM遺憾了（你都不造自己傻）。
25. We do not complain about your shortcomings but about your long stayings.
我們不吐槽你的短處，我們是怕你跟我們處得太長了。
26. I heard you took an IQ test and they said your results were negative.
聽說你的智商測出來是負數啊(這結果太杯具了)。
註：result和negative雙關。
27. My middle finger gets a boner when I think of you.
每當我想起你，我的中指就勃起。
☛ 註：boner，你懂的。
28. I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
今兒去了動物園，一整天都很想你，真真是睹物思人啊。
29. When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head.
當我盯著你雙眼時，我能直視到你後腦勺（暗指腦殼空空如也）。
30. Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.
（長得已經很吃藕了）試著吃點化妝品吧，興許能給你點內在美。
31. I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
本想問你幾歲了，但我知道你數不了這個數。
☛ 註：可以是諷刺數數能力差智商低，也可以是暗指他老人家年紀大。
32. God made coke, God made pepsi,
God made me, ohso sexy,
God maderivers, God made lakes,
God made you...well we all make mistakes.
上帝造了可口可樂，上帝造了百事可樂，
上帝造了我，性感之至。
上帝造了河流，上帝造了湖泊，
上帝造了你…...哎，帝非聖賢，孰能無過。
33. You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.
你貌美如畫，大夥都想拿繩子把你掛起來（讓你掛）。
☛ 註：hang懸掛；（被）吊死。
34. You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
你壯得像頭牛，智商也快趕上牛了。
35. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
我知道你沒看上去那麼傻X。沒人能傻x成這樣!
36. You're so ugly when you went to a haunted house they offered you a job.
你吃藕到你去鬼屋玩，人家都讓你去那來上班。
37. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and SHIT a better argument thanthat.
我吃掉所有字母後拉出的翔，都比你說的話更有說服力。
38．It looks like your face caught on fire and someone tried to put it outwith a hammer.
你這臉像是著火後被人用錘子拍滅的一樣。
39. If I wanted to kill myself I'd climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
如果我想不開了，我就爬上你的那自命清高的巔峰，然後跳進你那智商底洞。
40. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
你的出生證就是保險套廠商寄給你爹娘的道歉信。
41. They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking,intelligent, and cultured.
俗話說異性相吸，對立物能互補。希望你能遇到顏值高、智商高、素質高的另一半。
42. If I were to slap you, it would be considered animal abuse!
我要是扇你耳光，會被人告虐畜的!
43. Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs, they're not a door.
一閃一閃一隻雞，成天想找小雞雞。
44. Shock me, say something intelligent.
來，嚇唬嚇唬哥，說點動過腦子的話。
46. When was the last time you could see your whole body in the mirror?
你上次照鏡子能看到自己全身是啥時候來著?
47. Oh my God, look at you. Was anyone else hurt in the accident?
額滴神啊，你看看你的樣子，車禍中還有其他人受傷嗎?
48. If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents!
我要是長成你這樣，我就去告我爹娘！
49. "Donald Trump's version of political correctness:you can insult women, Muslims, Mexicans, POWs and the disabled, but LEAVERACISTS ALONE."— Andy Borowifz
川普版本的政治正確是這樣的：你可以侮辱女性、穆斯林、墨西哥人、戰俘和殘疾人，但是你不能侮辱種族主義者。（滑稽）
50. Wow , you』ve really lived up to your potential.
你的潛力真是毫無保留地呈現出來了.
☛ 註：live up to不辜負；無愧於(自己的聲望等)；達到(預期的標準)：做到；實踐
51. You bother people just by being alive.
你單單靠活著就已經幹擾到他人生活了。
52. Ah , so you ' re the reason we have warning labels on everything
看到你，我們就知道我們為什麼要在所有東西上都貼警示標籤了。
53. Looks like you traded in your neck for an extra chin!
你用你的脖子換來了另一層下巴。（雙下巴）
☛ 註：trade in：用（舊物）貼換新物; 出售，經營。比如亞馬遜的 Trade-In就是指把二手的東西送過去，amazon會給你錢。trade-in value就是舊物的抵換價值。
54. You have a great face for make-up!
你的臉證明了化妝術的神奇威力。
55. You are the human version of period cramps.
你長著一張痛經臉。
☛ 註：period cramps=menstrual cramps，學名經期痙攣。
56. You remind me of my Chinese friend…Ug Lee.
你讓我想起了我的天朝朋友：李吃藕（Ug Lee是Ugly的諧音）
57. You are impossible to underestimate.
已經沒有可以低估你的可能了（因為你已經在底線了）。
58. Two things we need to give up：processes food，and processed people like you.
我們要摒棄兩類東西：加工食品，加工人類（像你這樣）。
59. I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you.
我好嫉妒那些還沒遇見你的人。
60. Your legs are like McDonalds, OPEN 24/7.
你的雙腿就像金拱門，一周七天每天24小時全營業。
61. If I gave you a penny for your thoughts, I'd get change!
如果我拿一便士來換你的想法，那我要找零。
☛ 註：a penny for your thoughts是一個慣用語，這是禮貌地向長時間思考某事的人詢問的方式，你對他的想法很感興趣而且願意聽他說，也可以在你向某人要求給出意見時使用。而在這裡加了後半句後變成了反諷，吐槽對方的想法毫無價值，I won’t give you even a penny anyway。
62. I love how you state the obvious with such a sense of discovery.
我喜歡你大驚小怪地陳述那些顯而易見的事物的樣子。
63. So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonelyjourney!
一道靈光剛剛閃過你的腦海？它一定是歷經了漫長又孤獨的旅程。
64. If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless!
如果你把你的想法表達出來，那不就等於你無話可說了嗎？
65. You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard!
看到你，我就明白了為什麼基因庫需要救生員了。
66. I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I keep tomyself.
我說的話冒犯你了？你真該聽聽我藏在心裡的話。
67. You're as useless as a knitted condom!
你就像密口的保險套，一無是處。
68. You are proof that God has a sense of humour!
你的存在讓我明白上帝也有幽默感。
69. Why don't you check eBay and see if they have a life for sale!
為什麼不上某寶看看有無生命出售。
70. Nice tan, orange is my favourite colour!
膚色美黑得不錯阿，橘色是我最愛的顏色辣。
71. 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest?
10萬顆精子裡，你居然是跑得最快的？
72. How long did it take you to come up with that one?
你說出這句話是醞釀了多久啊。
73. It's pointless to make fun of you because it will take you the rest of the day to figure it out.
開你玩笑是沒有意義的，因為你會花上這一天時間去get到笑（cao）點。
74. I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed?
我本想和你來場智力之戰，可我發現你並沒武器裝備。
75. I Wasn’t insulting you. I was describing you.
我沒在侮辱你，我是在描述你。
76. OH MY GOD! IT SPOKE!
天啊，這玩意兒還會說話！
77. You must've been born on a highway. That's where most accidents happen
你一定是在高（che）速（huo）公（xian）路（chang）上出生的。
78. Your family tree must be a circle.
你的家譜是個圈吧（亂lun）。
79. Looking at you, it’s pretty clear that Darwin was right.
瞅瞅你的長相，看來達爾文的理論沒錯啊。
80. You are as strong as an ox and almost as intelligent.
你壯得像頭牛，智商也快趕上牛了。
81. Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth like stupidity falls out of yours.
抱歉，諷刺語從我的口中脫口而出，就像是愚昧從你的口中脫口而出（一樣自然）。
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國外網站還流行一種Yo mamma So Fat Jokes，最初源於黑人口中，以下安利一波Yo mamma so fat的梗言梗語, 主要看誇張的運用和清晰闡述實景的技巧：
82. Yo mama so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
你媽太肥辣，她得用油漆滾筒才能給自己塗上唇彩。
83. Yo mamma so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet.
你媽太肥辣，她洗澡時，腳都沾不到水。
84. Yo mamma so fat, she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it justsaid 「H d」.
你媽太肥辣，她站在好萊塢標誌前時，Hollywood的標誌都只剩下H和d了。
85. Yo mamma so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued onother side."
你媽太肥辣，她駕照上寫著「照片未完，接下一面」。
86. Yo mamma so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial.
你媽太肥辣，她大學的畢業照還是航拍的呢。
87. Yo mamma so fat, she has to get out of the car to change the radiostation.
你媽太肥辣，她要先下車，這車才能調電臺呢。
88. Yo mamma so fat, when she walked by TV, I missed 3 episodes!
你媽太肥辣，她從電視前走過的這段時間，我就錯過了三集電視劇！
89. Yo mamma so fat I took a picture of her last Christmas and its stillprinting
你媽太肥辣，上個聖誕節我給她照了張相，可到現在還在列印呢。
90. Yo mamma so fat, that when she steps on a scale it says to becontinued.
你媽太肥辣，她站上體重秤時，上面顯示「未完待續」。
91. Yo mamma so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn'tchange.
你媽太肥辣，她站著躺著時的海拔都是一樣噠。
92. Yo mamma so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
你媽太肥辣，她每次穿高跟鞋走路時，分分鐘都能踩出石油。
93. Yo mamma so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
你媽太肥辣，我嘗試著開車圍著她轉一圈，然後車都跑到沒油了。
94. Yo mamma so fat, her ass has it's own zip code.
你媽太肥辣，她的屁股大到都有自己的郵編辣。
95. Yo mamma so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone.
你媽太肥辣，她兩隻手各戴一個手錶，但顯示的卻是不同時區呢。
96. Yo mamma so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks.
你媽太肥辣，連她的影子都有了妊娠紋。
97. Yo mamma so fat she wore a yellow raincoat and people yelled Taxi!
你媽太肥辣，當她穿著黃色雨衣時，人們就朝她喊「計程車」。
98. Yo mama so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says"Okay."
你媽太肥辣，每當她去下館子時，看完菜單之後就說「行啊（就這些吧）」。
99. Yo mama is so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Seattle,NY.
你媽太肥，她玩跳房子時，格子裡面是：洛杉磯，底特律，西雅圖，紐約。
100. Yo mama so fat, you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie onthe other side just to get her through.
你媽太肥辣，你得在門框上抹油（潤滑），再在門的另一頭拿著蛋糕（引誘），才能讓她出來。
沒有最損，只有更損。以下是一十的個人私貨，大家有所取捨。
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優雅地撕逼入門秘笈
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第一， 控制好自己的情緒，不能表現出憤怒和委屈，可以微笑/憐憫/困惑/好奇，氣勢上要不卑不亢，從容淡定。
第二，語速要不急不緩，音量要保證在場所有人都能聽見，但是不要太大。
第三，思考後謹慎說話。撕逼不在話多，但進行語言組織等思考活動是很必要的。開撕前確認自己得理。把一句很普通的話轉換成更長更具殺傷力但表面上又很溫和的表述，不帶一個通俗髒字。
第四，抓住破綻猛烈攻擊，沒有破綻就引導ta露出破綻，及時打斷進行駁斥。找語言漏洞用道理反擊，一句話鎖定全局。
第五，說話有條理，有縝密的邏輯。
第六，不要玻璃心，輸了也要臉皮厚，不動氣，裝出不屑於噴子為伍的架勢，呵呵。
第七，很關鍵的一點，和適當的人撕，不在腦殘身上浪費半秒，他們不值得我們開撕。尼採在《善與惡的超越》也說過了，「與惡龍纏鬥過久，自身亦成為惡龍；凝視深淵過久，深淵將回以凝視」。
💡
☛ 原文是這樣的：
「Wer mit Ungeheuern kämpft,mag zusehn, dass
er nicht dabei zum Ungeheuerwird. Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst,
blickt der Abgrund auch indich hinein.
——Jenseits von Gut und Böse（BeyondGood and Evil）（1886）」
☛ 英譯是這樣的：
「He who fights with monstersshould look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gazelong into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.」
「He who fights with monstersshould be careful lest he thereby become a monster. And if thou gaze long intoan abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee.」
「Beware that, when fightingmonsters, you yourself do not become a monster... for when you gaze long intothe abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.」
εïз
-GOOD NIGHT-
未經本人許可，禁止轉載
作者：言又一十
知乎專欄：人人都是翻譯官
☛http://zhuanlan.zhihu.com/translate
微信公眾號：人人都是翻譯官（rrdsfyg）
買腦殘片還差幾十塊軟妹幣了 ̊ଳ ̊~
😣