I went to Germany. It was culture shock for me, Germany, the language, I dove into the language. Intensive German. Six months, two thousand buck, totally worth it. Because I now speak the language like a three year-old with a severe speech impediment. I could not talk for three and a half years. That was Germany. My friends would ask, 「What is it like? What is Germany like?」 Well it is like I have had a stroke. I cannot talk. I thought I would learn the German. My friends told me I would. Well not all my friends. Just my friends who only speak one language. They know how easy it is to learn a second language. And they』ll tell you, 「Oh you』ll pick up on the German, Bengt, cause you』ll be immersed in people speaking German.」 Well, guess what, buddy. You’re not immersed in people speaking German. You’re immersed in people speaking English with a German accent.
我去了趟德國。體會到了文化衝擊。在德國，我投入學語言。德語精讀課程，為期六個月，花了兩千塊。太值了！而且我現在這門語言說得像三歲小孩的程度，帶著嚴重的說話障礙。過去三年半我都沒法開口說話，在德國朋友們會問，德國啥樣呀？嗯，就像我中過風一樣。我沒法說話，我天真的以為自己學會了德語，我朋友也說我能學會。嗯，也不是所有朋友，就只會說一門語言的朋友們，他們最懂學第二門語言有多容易。而且他們還跟你講你學德語 入門可簡單啦！因為你就沉浸在說德語的人堆裡，然而你才不是沉浸在說德語的人堆裡，你是沉浸在說英語的人堆裡，帶著德國口音的。
So no progress. This is my German. But amazing progress. That’s my German accent now. I am not bilingual but I can sound bilingual. Ja, it is wunderbar! Its great. Now I use my accent to impress the random strangers. I can just use here to impress people. Ja, I will take der fries with der hamburger. Thank you for der good questions you’re making now. 「Gee your English is excellent!」 Well, thank you! Wow! First time I hear this. Wow! Thank you! 「That’s just because English isn’t your native language.」 No, this is because I am from Utah. I never hear this before. Couldn’t complain either.
所以我的德語沒一丁點進步，但是現在我的德語口音英語進步神速。雖然我現在不會雙語，但是我聽起來像會雙語。過分優秀！現在我會在陌生人面前刻意秀口音。我現在在這裡就能給大家秀一把，我要點個薯條和漢堡，多謝你提出這麼棒的問題。天吶你的英語說的真溜！哇！蟹蟹！人家第一次聽呢，哇！蟹蟹！是因為英語不是你的母語吧？不是，因為我是猶太人，我以前從來都沒被誇過呢。
Not learning German, you can’t complain. This is what will happen. If I complain about not learning German, this is what I get, 「Well, be grateful you’re not learning Chinese.」 Grateful? Why would... Why would you bring that? Why would you bring up something I could never do? I am not never learning German. Why would I be grateful 」You stink at something that’s kind of easy.」 You got that going for you. You could be failing at something that’s hard, but see this way you feel stupid and disappointed. 「You should be grateful.」 Chinese is harder than German.
不學德語，你就不能抱怨。事情是這樣的，要是我抱怨不學德語，別人會這麼說，沒讓你學漢語你就感恩吧！感恩？怎麼會？真是哪壺不開提哪壺，你幹嘛非要提我這輩子都沒法做到的事情刺激我呢？我都幾乎沒在學德語，為什麼我要感恩？你連這麼簡單的事情都做不好，這點上你勉強還行，稍微上點難度你就不行了，但是你看，這樣一來你就會覺得自己蠢，還會嫌棄自己。你應該感恩，漢語比德語難多了。
German is technically kind of easy. The grammar is hard. But there is similar words to English. Same alphabet. Whereas, Chinese is insanely difficult. There’s no similar words or sounds. And you have to learn their alphabet. We don’t share an alphabet. And it’s not just 30, 40 letters. You want to be fluent in Chinese you are going to have to memorize about 44,000 subtly different drawings of sheds. Broken furniture,yoga poses, occasional waffle iron. That’s what I see. Like if I look at the menu, How spicy is your 」broken television?」 Really? Well, then I will take the 』downward dog』 Again.
德語嚴格講還算簡單，語法挺難的。但是好多詞彙很像英語還用一樣的字母。相比之下漢語難的逆天，相近的詞或者音都沒有，而且你得從零學他們的拼寫，我們的拼學完全不一樣。真不是30，40個字母這麼簡單，你想熟練掌握漢語，你要死記硬背，大概4萬4千個各種形狀酷似柵子的方塊字。有的像家具；有的像瑜伽姿勢；少數像華夫餅的模子。在我眼裡就是這樣，我看菜單的時候是這樣的，你的這個像破電視的這道菜有多辣？是嗎？那好吧。我點像「下犬式」的這個好了。
I am a menu coward. Chinese is crazy. So many sheds. I think Chinese is the only language on earth in which you can write an entire sentence accidentally. You can just, 「Whoops!」 I’m literate! How did that happen?」 Sometimes, the shed drawing will be a whole phrase or sentence. You have to memorize the shed with the sentence. Oh, The broken stop ladder next to the guys with golf club with the two seagulls on the park bench with the roof shed drawing. My feet hurts. Oh wait, there’s a chimney on the shed. Your foot hurts. There’s a chimney, it’s your foot. When it... Wait there’s smoke coming out the chimney. We』ve got a new Pope.
真的我特害怕點菜，漢語太恐怖了。好多方塊字，我覺得漢語是地球上唯一一門，你一不小心就寫了一整句話的語言。你可以忽然「天哪!我會寫字啦！這咋回事啊？」有時候 一個方塊字可能包含一整個短語或句子。你必須死記硬背帶一個句子的字。一個梯子旁邊站個人，手拿著高爾夫球桿還有兩隻海鷗站在長凳上，還有個房頂的偏旁，意思是我的腳疼。等等，這個字上還有個小煙筒，這個意思是你的腳疼。要是有煙筒，就是你的腳疼要是，等一下，煙筒還冒著煙的話，意思是我們選出了新教皇。