Snapping at someone who offers well-intentioned advice diminishes us more than it does the other person. Why not simply be grateful?
呵斥別人出於善意的良言，只會使我們自己的形象大打折扣。何不學著感恩?感恩的心，感謝有你，伴我一生。
How much do we learn proving that we are right? Nothing.
How much do we learn proving that other people are wrong? Nothing.
How much of our lives have been wasted on these two pursuits? Far too much.
Buddha taught his students to do what he suggested only if it made sense in the context of their own lives. In other words, if it works for you, do it. If it doesn’t work for you, just let it go.
Our natural tendency when others give suggestions we don’t agree with is to immediately become defensive and prove they are wrong. Our natural tendency when others give suggestions we do agree with is to point out that we 「already knew that,」 implying that the suggestion is unnecessary.
The next time someone gives you an idea or counsel, listen without judgment, try to find value in what you’re hearing, and say: 「Thank you.」
This sage advice is easy to understand yet hard to practice. I』ll give you an example from my life when I totally blew it in terms of practicing what I teach. My guess is that when you read my story, you』ll agree that what I did was not only stupid, it was dangerous. I』ll also predict that you』ve done the same stupid thing that I did—perhaps even on multiple occasions.
Combative Mood
In my work I travel constantly. On American Airlines alone, I have more than 9 million frequent-flier miles. I always put off going to the airport until the last second. The time I really screwed up I was racing to the San Diego airport to catch a flight to New York. My wife, Lyda, was sitting next to me in the front seat. My kids, Bryan and Kelly, were in the back. I was frantically racing along and not paying much attention. Lyda cried out: 「Look out! There is a red light up ahead.」
Being a trained behavioral science professional—who teaches others the value of encouraging input—I naturally screamed at her:「I know there is a red light up ahead! Don’t you think I can see? I drive as well as you can.」
When we arrived at the airport, Lyda, a licensed clinical psychologist with a PhD, abandoned her usual farewell ministrations for some reason. Not only did she fail to kiss me good-bye, she didn’t even speak to me. As she walked around the car, slid behind the wheel, and drove off, both kids gave me that my-dad-is-an-idiot look.
「Hmm,」 I pondered, 「I wonder why she seems mad at me?」
Cost-Benefit Analysis
During the six-hour flight to New York, I did a cost-benefit analysis. I asked myself: 「What was the cost of just listening when Lyda called out the warning? Zero.」 I then reasoned: 「What was the potential benefit? What could have been saved?」 Several potential benefits came to mind, including her life, my life, the lives of our children, and the lives of other people.
When someone gives us something that has a huge potential benefit—and costs us absolutely nothing—what should we say to such a fine person? 「Thank you!」
I landed in New York feeling lonely, guilty, and ashamed of myself. I immediately called Lyda and told her my cost-benefit story. I assured her: 「The next time you help me with my driving, I am just going to say, 『Thank you.』」
「Sure you will,」 she said with a laugh (sarcasm free of charge). For some reason, she seemed to doubt that I had undergone a true religious conversion.
「Just you wait. I am going to do better.」 I continued.
「We』ll see.」 she replied.
Another Airport Run
A few months passed, and I had long forgotten the incident. Again, I was racing off to the airport, not paying attention, when Lyda cried out: 「Look out for the red light!」
My face turned crimson, I started breathing hard, I grimaced—and then yelled: 「Thank you!」
I’m a long way from perfect, but I’m getting better. My suggestion is that you get in the habit of asking the important people in your life how you can do things better. And be ready for an answer. Some people may tell you things like 「Look out for the red light.」 or 「You’re going too fast around the corner.」
When this happens, take a deep breath. Ask yourself:「What is the cost of listening to this?」 Remember that there is possibly some potential benefit. Then just say:「Thank you.」
通過證明自己對，能學到什麼?沒有什麼。
通過證明別人錯，能學到什麼?沒有什麼。
我們浪費了多少精力在這兩件事上?很多很多的時間。
佛陀教育弟子們只有他的話貼近他們的生活，才按他講的去做。換言之，對你有用，聽之;對你沒用，隨它去。
如果不同意別人的建議，我們的本能反應是立刻為自己辯護，並想方設法給別人挑錯。如果同意別人的建議，我們的本能反應是擺出一副自己「早就知道」的架勢，言下之意，建議是多餘的。
下一次有人向你提建議或與你討論時，要靜靜地聽，不要作評判，試著從聽到的話中找出有價值的東西，然後說聲「謝謝」。
這條忠告知易而行難。讓我講一段生活中的親身經歷吧，在實際生活中我把自己教導別人要牢記的這條忠告忘得一乾二淨。我猜你們在讀故事的時候，也會認為我當時不僅愚蠢，而且很危險。我敢斷言你們也做過同樣的傻事，沒準更多呢。
情緒裡帶著火藥味
工作期間我經常出差。僅美國航線，我就飛過900多萬英裡。我總是拖到最後一刻才上路。有一次我真急了，為了趕上飛往紐約的航班，向聖地牙哥機場飛奔。我的妻子麗達坐在前排，我旁邊的位置。我的兩個孩子布賴恩和凱利坐在後面。我一路狂奔，沒注意別的。麗達突然大叫：「小心!紅燈。」
我雖然是一名訓練有素的行為科學專家，常常教育別人要重視那些出於善意的提示，但當時卻本能地朝她大吼：「我知道前面紅燈。你以為我沒看見?我的車技不比你差。」
到機場後，麗達——這位擁有職業許可證的臨床心理學專家、博士——居然不辭而別。不僅沒有與我吻別，甚至連句話都沒說。她繞到汽車另一邊，倒車，一溜煙開走了。孩子們看我的表情就像在說「爸爸真是個大傻瓜」。
「哎，」我不禁沉思，「麗達怎麼發這麼大火?」
成本效益分析
在飛往紐約的6個小時途中，我做了個成本效益分析。我問自己：「當麗達大聲提醒注意時，我如果不作聲，會損失什麼?什麼都不會損失。」我又繼續思考：「潛在的好處有哪些呢?能挽救什麼呢?」那些潛在的好處不斷湧上心頭，對她的生活、我的生活、我們孩子的生活和其他人的生活都有好處。
如果有人給我們提供具有巨大潛在利益的事務，我們又毫髮無損，我們要對這樣的好心人說些什麼呢?「謝謝!」
到了紐約，孤獨、內疚、慚愧一起湧上心頭。我立刻給麗達打了電話，告訴她我的成本效益分析，並向她保證：「下一次開車時你再幫我的忙，我只說『謝謝』。」
「您當然要謝謝我。」她笑著說(口氣中充滿挖苦)。我猜，她好像懷疑我經歷了一場宗教洗禮。
「等著瞧。我下次一定做得更好。」我繼續說。
「我們拭目以待哦。」麗達答道。
又一次機場狂奔
幾個月後，上次的事早忘了。我又一次開車奔向機場，沒注意到紅燈。麗達大叫：「小心紅燈!」
我的臉刷地紅了，呼吸急促，臉上的肌肉抽動著，痛苦地擠出兩個字：「謝謝。」
我的表現遠非盡善盡美，但已經有進步了。我建議要養成這樣的習慣，向生活中重要的人諮詢怎樣才能把事情做得更好，並虛心等待對方的答覆。有人會說「注意紅燈」或是「你的講話跑題了」之類的話。
每當聽到這樣的話，深吸一口氣，問問自己：「聽聽這樣的話有什麼不好?」記住，這些話很可能讓你受益呢。然後說聲：「謝謝。」