倫敦生活
他可以見你了
He's ready to see you now.
謝謝
Thank you.
感謝你今天的到來
Thanks for coming in today.
很榮幸收到你的簡歷
Really appreciate you sending in your CV.
-應該的 -簡歷寫的很有趣
- No problem. - It was funny.
這樣啊 我不是故意的
Okay, that wasn't my intention.
-但沒關係 -好了
- But okay. - Great.
我們目前情況有點特殊
Our current situation is unusual
我們目前的女員工很少 基本沒有
in that we don't have many, any women working here,
主要是因為
mainly due to the...
-那件性騷擾案件 -那件性騷擾案件
- Oh, the sexual harassment case. - ...sexual harassment case.
對 對 對 對
Yes, yes, yes. Yes.
-你還好嗎 -還好 抱歉 我只是
- Are you all right? - Uh, yeah. Sorry, I just, uh...
我只是剛從車站跑過來 有一點熱
I just ran from the station, so I'm a bit hot.
-我真的很激動 -要水嗎
- I'm really excited about this... - Water?
不 不 不 不用了
Uh, no, no. No, I don't, uh...
好吧 要不還是來點吧
Actually, yeah, water would be great.
我們想要招一名
So we're looking for someone
能夠適應激烈競爭的員工
who can handle themselves in a competitive environment.
主要工作就是整理文件
It will mainly be filing
但這工作文件夾也幹得不錯 所以
but, uh, we have some pretty good files here, so, uh...
這工作還包括網站的更新
It also involves updating the website
偶爾還要發發推特
and throwing up an occasional twit.
簡歷上面說你之前在咖啡店
It says here you've done something similar before
-有做過類似的工作 -是的
- at the cafe that you used to... - Yeah.
我操
Ah, okay.
抱歉 這行為可一點都不有趣
I'm sorry, but I don't think it was very funny.
不是啊 抱歉
Oh, no, sorry.
我以為我裡面還穿了件打底衣呢
I thought I had a top on underneath.
哦 好吧
Yeah, okay.
-但是 澄清一下 -不 說真的
- But, for the record... - Oh, no, seriously,
剛才純屬意外
in this case, genuine accident.
老實說 我理解你想要做什麼
Look, with honesty here, I understand what you might be doing.
不 我不是想 天啊 我是太熱了
No, I wasn't trying to... Jesus, I was hot.
我對待這種事情是非常嚴肅的
I take this kind of thing very seriously now.
不 我並不是想和你上床
No, I'm not trying to shag you.
就你那樣兒
Look at yourself.
好吧 請你離開
Okay, please leave.
什麼
What?
-你不懂 我需要這份 -請你離開
- But you don't understand. I need this... - Please just leave.
-變態 -蕩婦
- Perv. - Slut.
-請離開 -你 請離開
- Please leave. - You... please leave.
這是我的辦公室
It's my office.
那又怎樣
Yeah?
好吧
Okay.
不好意思 等等
Uh, sorry... Wait!
三天前 我點了個非常淫蕩的披薩
Three nights ago, I ordered myself a very slutty pizza.
那婊子一直在流水
I mean, the bitch was dripping.
這個淫蕩的小餅 渴望進入我的身體
And that dirty little stuffed crust wanna be in me so bad,
我就無情地把這個小賤人給吃了
I just ate the little tart like she meant
而她更是樂在其中
nothing to me and she loved it.
大概就那麼回事 當時天色已晚
And that pretty much nailed that, and it was pretty late now,
我拖著疲憊的身軀爬上我的辦公室
so I dragged myself upstairs to get into my office.
好吧 是我的床
Well, my bed.
想著把咖啡館的帳算一算
And try to work on the figures for the cafe.
我經營著一家豚鼠主題的咖啡館
I run a guinea pig-themed cafe.
但是錢都賠光了 要關門大吉了
But it's out of cash and it's gonna close,
除非有支票從天而降
unless a check falls out of the sky,
或者有個銀行家射在我的屁股上
or a banker cums on my ass.
但這兩者都是不可能的
And neither are gonna happen.
我也不想聊那些銀行家
And I don't wanna dignify the banker man
好給他們增光添彩
with the proper mentions,
所以我就不提他了
so I'm not gonna talk about him.
也不再提我有時候真希望自己毫無道德
Or how I do sometimes wish I could own up to not having morals
就讓他射我屁股上換個一萬英鎊
and let him cum on my ass for 10,000 pounds.
很顯然 我們不應該那麼做
But, apparently, we're not supposed to do that.
那麼
So...
我不會
I won't.
儘管那樣就能解決一切問題
Even though it would solve everything.
儘管我能那麼幹
Even though I could.
躺在我的辦公室裡 咖啡館的帳目
Lying in my office, the cafe numbers
像小忍者一樣在我面前跳來跳去
start to jump, pounce at me like little ninjas.
所以 我想先把這個放一邊吧
So I rationalized it'd be good to switch off for a bit,
換換腦子嘛
improve my mind.
所以我看了一部很不錯的電影
So I watched a pretty good movie,
名字叫做《重返17歲》
actually, called, um, Seventeen Again.
扎克·埃夫隆主演的 他非常
With Zac Efron who is...
他非常 有型
He's fit.
我知道 但是
I know, but...
說真的 他的確是個很不錯的演員
I mean, seriously, he's actually a really good actor.
電影也沒那麼爛 說真的 值得一看
And the film could have been worse, Honestly. Check it out.
看完之後 我躺在那想
Then that finished, I lay there, thinking,
"咖啡 帳目 帳目 扎克 帳目"
"Cafe, numbers, numbers, Zac, numbers."
搜一搜"歐巴馬"
Googled "Obama."
想著了解一下 你懂得
To keep up with, um, you know...
很高興今天來到這裡
I am so happy to be here today.
結果發現他也
Who, as it turns out, is also...
很高興看到...
It is wonderful to see all of...
超帥啊
...attractive.
躺在那繼續想 "咖啡 帳目
Lay there, thinking, "Cafe, numbers,
帳目 歐巴馬 帳目
numbers, Obama, numbers,
扎克 歐巴馬 帳目 扎克"
Zac, Obama, numbers, Zac."
突然之間 我開始對著P站瘋狂自慰了
Suddenly, I was on YouPorn having a horrible wank.
還發現了最對我胃口的群交視頻
And found just the right sort of gang bang.
然後我真的精疲力盡了
Now, that really knocked me out,
我收起了電腦 俯身親了我的男朋友
so I put my computer away, leaned over, kissed my boyfriend,
晚安 哈利 然後就睡了
Harry, good night, and went to sleep.
第二天早上 我醒來看到哈利留的紙條
The next morning, I wake to find a note from Harry,
上面寫道"這就是最後一根稻草"
which reads, "That was the last straw."
老實說 這有點出乎意料
It's a bit out of the blue, to be honest.
從來不知道他還數稻草呢
Didn't know he was counting straws,
但知道他有在關心 我還是很開心的
but nice to know he was paying attention.
他所有東西都不見了
All of his stuff was gone.
包括冰箱裡的一切
And everything in the fridge.
他的自私讓我有一點興奮
I was a bit thrilled by his selfishness.
突然又有點喜歡他了
Suddenly fancied him again.
但我很欣慰終於有人邁出了這一步
But I was relieved that one of us did something.
他過去經常跟我說這樣的話
He used to say things to me like,
"你不像其他的女孩 你思維能"
"You're not like other girls. You can..."
"跟上"
"...keep up."
"思維能跟上"
"Keep up."
我站在那看著之前來大姨媽
I stood staring at a handprint on my wall
搞三人行在牆上留下的手印
of when I had a threesome on my period.
哈利和我差不多12到18個月
Harry and I break up
就要分手一次
every 12 to 18 months.
我們分手之後
And when we do, well...
我倒希望我能說那次三人行
I wish I could tell you my threesome story
很尷尬 還整的黏黏糊糊的
was awkward and sticky,
然後每個人都憂鬱空虛的回了家
and everyone went home a little bit sad and empty,
但是 那次還挺爽的
but, uh, it was lovely.
抱歉
Sorry.
我倒是很欣賞哈利對我們分手的態度
I do admire how much Harry commits to our breakups.
冰箱這事以前沒有過
The fridge is a new detail,
但他每次都要整點新花樣
but he does always go the extra mile.
還有幾次 他把整個公寓都打掃了
A few times, he's even cleaned the whole flat.
就好像這是個犯罪現場
Like it's a crime scene.
我都想在每次公寓需要全面打掃的時候
I've often considered timing our breakups
就安排一次分手
更多內容請百度搜索：可小果