Brené Brown: 脆弱的力量 布琳·布朗

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

00:01

So, I&34;I&34; And I thought, &39;s the struggle?&34;Well, I saw you speak, and I&39;m afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come, because they&39;re boring and irrelevant.&34;Okay.&34;But the thing I liked about your talk is you&39;ll do is just call you a storyteller.&34;You&34; And she said, &39;m going to call you a storyteller.&34;Why not &39;?&34;Let me think about this for a second.&39;m a qualitative researcher. I collect stories; that&39;m just a storyteller. And so I said, &39;t you just say I&34; And she went, &39;s no such thing.&39;m a researcher-storyteller, and I&39;re talking about expanding perception -- and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception and really actually changed the way that I live and love and work and parent.

01:34

And this is where my story starts. When I was a young researcher, doctoral student, my first year, I had a research professor who said to us, &39;s the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist.&34;Really?&34;Absolutely.&39;s and a master&34;life&34; And I&34;life&34;

02:17

(Laughter)

02:19

And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me -- really, one of the big sayings in social work is, &34; And I&39;s. That was my mantra. So I was very excited about this. And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me, because I am interested in some messy topics. But I want to be able to make them not messy. I want to understand them. I want to hack into these things that I know are important and lay the code out for everyone to see.

02:57

So where I started was with connection. Because, by the time you&39;re here. It&39;s all about. It doesn&39;s how we&39;s why we&39;m going to start with connection. Well, you know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss, and she tells you 37 things that you do really awesome, and one &34;

03:41

(Laughter)

03:43

And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right? Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging, they&39;t understand or had never seen. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won&39;s universal; we all have it. The only people who don&34;I&34; -- which, we all know that feeling: &39;m not blank enough. I&34; The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability. This idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.

05:20

And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability. And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick. I&39;m going to figure this stuff out, I&39;m going to totally deconstruct shame, I&39;m going to outsmart it. So I was ready, and I was really excited. As you know, it&39;d have to borrow everyone else&39;s what I can tell you that it boils down to -- and this may be one of the most important things that I&39;s what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness -- they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they&39;re worthy of love and belonging. That&39;re worthy. And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we&39;s another talk. So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie, and I was like, what am I going to call this research? And the first words that came to my mind were &34; These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness. So I wrote at the top of the manila folder, and I started looking at the data. In fact, I did it first in a four-day, very intensive data analysis, where I went back, pulled the interviews, the stories, pulled the incidents. What&39;s the pattern? My husband left town with the kids because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing, where I&39;s what I found. What they had in common was a sense of courage. And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language -- it&34;cor,&34;heart&39;t practice compassion with other people if we can&39;t talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, &34; first ... the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees ... the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They&34;I think I need to see somebody. Do you have any recommendations?&34;Wooo, I wouldn&34;

11:36

(Laughter)

11:39

I was like, &34; And they&34;I&39;t bring your measuring stick.&34;Okay.&34;How are you?&34;I&39;m okay.&34;What&34; And this is a therapist who sees therapists, because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good.

12:16

(Laughter)

12:18

And so I said, &39;s the thing, I&34; And she said, &39;s the struggle?&34;Well, I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it&34; And I said, &39;s the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit.&34;I just need some strategies.&34;It&34; And she said, &39;s neither good nor bad.&34;It just is what it is.&34;Oh my God, this is going to suck.&39;t. And it took about a year. And you know how there are people that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, that they surrender and walk into it. A: that&39;t even hang out with people like that.

13:48

(Laughter)

13:51

For me, it was a yearlong street fight. It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. I lost the fight, but probably won my life back.

14:03

And so then I went back into the research and spent the next couple of years really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, what choices they were making, and what we are doing with vulnerability. Why do we struggle with it so much? Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? No.

14:23

So this is what I learned. We numb vulnerability -- when we&34;How would you define vulnerability? What makes you feel vulnerable?&39;s out there. Having to ask my husband for help because I&39;re newly married; initiating sex with my husband; initiating sex with my wife; being turned down; asking someone out; waiting for the doctor to call back; getting laid off; laying off people. This is the world we live in. We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.

15:12

And I think there&39;s not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think it&39;t say, here&39;s vulnerability, here&39;s shame, here&39;s disappointment. I don&39;m going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin.

15:52

(Laughter)

15:54

I don&39;s knowing laughter. I hack into your lives for a living. God.

16:03

(Laughter)

16:05

You can&39;t just have to be addiction. The other thing we do is we make everything that&34;I&39;re wrong. Shut up.&39;s it. Just certain. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are. This is what politics looks like today. There&39;s no conversation. There&39;s anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me, but it doesn&34;Wow.&39;re hardwired for struggle when they get here. And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, our job is not to say, &39;s perfect. My job is just to keep her perfect -- make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh.&39;s not our job. Our job is to look and say, &39;re imperfect, and you&34; That&39;ll end the problems, I think, that we see today. We pretend that what we do doesn&39;s a bailout, an oil spill ... a recall. We pretend like what we&39;t have a huge impact on other people. I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people. We just need you to be authentic and real and say ... &39;re sorry. We&34;

18:50

But there&39;ll leave you with this. This is what I have found: To let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen ... to love with our whole hearts, even though there&39;s really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that&39;re wondering, &34; just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, &39;m just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I&34; And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we&34;I&34; ... then we stop screaming and start listening, we&39;re kinder and gentler to ourselves.

19:54

That&34; 我心想：」為什麼不乾脆叫魔法小精靈？「 （笑聲） 我說：」讓我考慮一下。「 我試著鼓起勇氣。 我對自己說，我是一個講故事的人。 我是一個從事定性研究的科研人員。 我收集故事；這就是我的工作。 或許故事就是有靈魂的數據。 或許我就是一個講故事的人。 於是我說：」聽著， 要不你就稱我為做研究兼講故事的人。「 她說：」哈哈，沒這麼個說法呀。「 （笑聲） 所以我是個做研究兼講故事的人， 我今天想跟大家談論的-- 我們要談論的話題是關於拓展認知-- 我想給你們講幾個故事 是關於我的一份研究的， 這份研究從本質上拓寬了我個人的認知， 也確確實實改變了我生活、愛、 工作還有教育孩子的方式。

01:35

我的故事從這裡開始。 當我還是個年輕的博士研究生的時候， 第一年，有位研究教授 對我們說： 」事實是這樣的， 如果有一個東西你無法測量，那麼它就不存在。「 我心想他只是在哄哄我們這些小孩子吧。 我說：「真的麼？」 他說：「當然。」 你得知道 我有一個社會工作的學士文憑，一個社會工作的碩士文憑， 我在讀的是一個社會工作的博士文憑， 所以我整個學術生涯 都被人所包圍， 他們大抵相信 生活是一團亂麻，接受它。 而我的觀點則傾向於，生活是一團亂麻， 解開它，把它整理好， 再歸類放入便當盒裡。 （笑聲） 我覺得我領悟到了關鍵， 有能力去創一番事業，讓自己-- 真的，社會工作的一個重要理念是 置身於工作的不適中。 我就是要把這不適翻個底朝天 每科都拿到A。 這就是我當時的信條。 我當時真的是躍躍欲試。 我想這就是我要的職業生涯， 因為我對亂成一團，難以處理的課題感興趣。 我想要把它們弄清楚。 我想要理解它們。 我想侵入那些 我知道是重要的東西 把它們摸透，然後用淺顯易懂的方式呈獻給每一個人。

02:57

所以我的起點是「關係」。 因為當你從事了10年的社會工作， 你必然會發現 關係是我們活著的原因。 它賦予了我們生命的意義。 就是這麼簡單。 無論你跟誰交流 工作在社會執法領域的也好，負責精神健康、虐待和疏於看管領域的也好 我們所知道的是，關係 是種感應的能力-- 生物神經上，我們是這麼被設定的-- 這就是為什麼我們在這兒。 所以我就從關係開始。 下面這個場景我們再熟悉不過了， 你的上司給你作工作評估， 她告訴了你37點你做得相當棒的地方， 還有一點--成長的空間？ （笑聲） 然後你滿腦子都想著那一點成長的空間，不是麼。 這也是我研究的一個方面， 因為當你跟人們談論愛情， 他們告訴你的是一件讓他們心碎的事。 當你跟人們談論歸屬感， 他們告訴你的是最讓他們痛心的 被排斥的經歷。 當你跟人們談論關係， 他們跟我講的是如何被斷絕關係的故事。

04:07

所以很快的--在大約開始研究這個課題6周以後-- 我遇到了這個前所未聞的東西 它揭示了關係 以一種我不理解也從沒見過的方式。 所以我暫停了原先的研究計劃， 對自己說，我得弄清楚這到底是什麼。 它最終被鑑定為恥辱感。 恥辱感很容易理解， 即害怕被斷絕關係。 有沒有一些關於我的事 如果別人知道了或看到了， 會認為我不值得交往。 我要告訴你們的是： 這種現象很普遍；我們都會有（這種想法）。 沒有體驗過恥辱的人 不具有人類的同情或關係。 沒人想談論自己的糗事， 你談論的越少，你越感到可恥。 滋生恥辱感的 是一種「我不夠好.&34;我愛你&34;對不起， 我們會處理這個問題。「

18:50

但還有一種方法，我把它留給你們。 這是我的心得： 卸下我們的面具，讓我們被看見， 深入地被看見， 即便是脆弱的一面； 全心全意地去愛， 儘管沒有任何擔保 -- 這是最困難的， 我也可以告訴你，作為一名家長，這個非常非常困難 -- 帶著一顆感恩的心，保持快樂 哪怕是在最恐懼的時候 哪怕我們懷疑：」我能不能愛得這麼深？ 我能不能如此熱情地相信這份感情？ 我能不能如此矢志不渝？「 在消極的時候能打住，而不是一味地幻想事情會如何變得更糟， 對自己說：」我已經很感恩了， 因為能感受到這種脆弱，這意味著我還活著。「 最後，還有最重要的一點， 那就是相信我們已經做得夠好了。 因為我相信當我們在一個 讓人覺得「我已經足夠了」的環境中打拼的時候 我們會停止抱怨，開始傾聽， 我們會對周圍的人會更友善，更溫和， 對自己也會更友善，更溫和。

19:54

這就是我演講的全部內容。謝謝大家。

19:56

（掌聲）