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1985年
祝貝瑞塔生日快樂
好的 肯特
All right, Kent!
-開始 海莉 -七分鐘
Go, Hayley. Seven minutes.
去呀! 牛仔!
Go get'em, cowboy.
七分鐘後見
See you in seven minutes.
史都 再告訴我一次
Stu, run it by me again.
親嘴是一壘 摸胸部是二壘 三壘是...?
Kissing is first base. Second base is boob. Third base is...
-手指頭 -手指頭?
-Finger. -Finger?
-或者大拇指 -好的
-Or thumb. -Okay.
查理 聽我的沒錯 二壘才是最精彩的
Charlie, trust me. Second base is what it's all about.
胸部才夠嗆
I'm all about the boobies.
好 還有別的嗎?
Okay. Anything else?
暴投是指吻在臉頰上
An intentional walk is a kiss on the cheek.
場內全壘打是吹簫
An inside park home run is a blow job.
什麼是吹簫?
What's a blow job?
我也不知道
I have no idea,
我無意間聽到我爸說 他每年生日都會得到一次
but I overheard my dad saying that he gets one once a year on his birthday.
所以一定是好棒的
So it must be good.
好耶!
Yeah!
你和我到衣櫥!
You, me. Closet.
七分鐘! 太爽了!
Seven minutes. Heaven.
好噁心
He's so gross.
抱歉 珍妮佛
Sorry, Jennifer.
住手
Stop.
別碰我! 你給我站在那邊 我就說我們親嘴了
Don't touch me. Stand on that side of the closet, and I'll say we kissed.
沒問題...
I will...
只要你說我們幹了好事
if you say we did the nasty.
不行! 我只會說我們親嘴了
No. I'll say we kissed.
說我摸了你的胸部
Say I touched your boobies.
不行! 我只會說我們親嘴!
No! I'll say we kissed.
好吧
Okay.
我親了你的胸部
I kissed your boobies.
愛妮莎
Anisha!
別一直盯著我看 好嚇人!
Stop staring. You're freaking me out.
我看著你是因為我喜歡你 查理
I'm looking at you 'cause I like you, Charlie.
沒關係 來吧 你隨便想怎樣都行
It's okay. Come on. You can do what you want.
沒關係 這種事我是新手
That's okay. I'm kind of new at this.
讓我看你的老二
Let me see your penis.
怎麼回事? 你不想要我嗎?
What's the matter? Don't you want me?
喔 老天!
Oh, my God!
那是我的拜把兄弟 她大概正在幫他吹簫
That's my boy. He's probably blow-jobbing her.
愛妮莎! 我沒辦法呼吸啦!
Anisha! I can't breathe!
我愛你 查理 我從三年級便一直愛著你了
I love you, Charlie. I've loved you since the third grade.
-謝謝 -所以你喜歡欲擒故縱?!
-Um... thank you? -So you like to play hard to get.
-走開! -我從我媽的雜誌上看到的
-Back off! -I've read in my mom's Cosmo
這樣做會增加情趣
this is supposed to increase pleasure.
別擔心 這也是我的第一次
Don't worry. This is my first time, too.
-第一次幹嘛? 殺人? -不 查理 第一次做愛
-First time what, killing? -No, Charlie. Making love.
放開我! 你這變態!
Get off me, you freak!
查理·羅根 你再也不是我的男朋友了!
Charlie Logan, you are not my boyfriend anymore.
-我詛咒你 -什麼?
-I hex you! -You what?
我詛咒你永遠得不到幸福!
I hex you. You will never be happy.
愛情像落雨落在你身上
Around you love will fall like rain.
但你永遠把握不住 你將傷心欲絕!
But you won't hold it. Your heart will pain!
一旦女孩和你在一起之後 下一個男人鐵定會更好!
Once the girl has been with you, to the next she will be true!
那是菲爾·柯林斯的歌詞嗎?
Was that Phil Collins?
怎麼回事? 你用大姆指"款待"她了嗎?
What happened? Did you thumb her?
現在
查理 我們會因妨礙風化被逮捕
Charlie, we could get arrested for public indecency.
我喜歡這個點子
I like the way you think.
好的
Okay.
好
All right!
唷 我的天啊! 卡蘿
Oh, my... Oh, my God, Carol.
我愛你
I love you.
我愛你
I love you!
謝謝
Thank you.
-我愛你 查理 -喔 真好
-I love you, Charlie. -Oh, that's nice.
"真好"?
"That's nice"?
我幫你把蛋蛋上的沙舔掉 你只會說"真好"?
I'm licking the sand off your balls, and you say, "That's nice"?
我還有說"老天"啊!
No, I said, "Oh, my God" to that.
我用非常激動的口氣喊"老天"回應你的舔蛋行為
I said, "Oh, my God" very enthusiastically about the ball lick.
嘿 聽著 我很抱歉
Hey, listen, I'm sorry.
我認為"那個字"不應該隨便拿出來講
I just don't think the "L" word should be thrown around casually.
"那個字"? 你是小學生啊?!
The "L" word? What are you, eight?
那另外那句三字經如何?!
How about the "F" word and the "you" word?
真不敢相信你居然和卡蘿吹了 她挺喜歡你的
I can't believe you and Carol went belly-up, man. She was so into you.
是啊...她吃東西很大聲
Yeah, well, she was a, uh, noisy eater.
是那句話啦 史都 "我愛你"
It's that word, Stu: Love.
我很想說 可是我說不出口
I wanted to say it, but I just... I couldn't.
我沒感覺叫我怎麼說?
How can I say something if I don't feel it?
很簡單 撒謊
Easy. Lie.
你想男女關係是以什麼為基礎的? 撒謊
What do you think all relationships are based on, man? Lies.
"不 親愛的 你穿那條牛仔褲屁股很好看"
"No, honey, your ass looks great in those jeans."
"親愛的 我喜歡你的父母"
"Honey, I love your parents."
"不會吧 那個破皮? 那才不是皰疹"
"You're kidding me. That sore right there? That's not herpes."
懂我意思嗎? 這下子你帶誰去參加凱特的婚禮?
You know what I'm saying? So, then, who are you taking to Katie's wedding?
不曉得 你要去嗎?
Oh, I don't know. You want to go?
伴娘會在更衣室裡幫男人吹蕭嗎? 我當然會去
Do bridesmaids give head in the coat room? Of course I want to go!
你知道在婚禮上泡妞有多簡單?
You know how easy it is to score at a wedding?
你可曾在婚禮上泡到妞?
Have you ever scored at a wedding?
人家我寧缺勿濫嘛
Pacing myself.
你一定感覺很怪 半年前凱特還是你的女朋友
Must be weird. You were dating Katie six months ago,
-現在她就要嫁給一個醫生 -我也是醫生
-and now she's marrying a doctor. -I'm a doctor.
人家是心臟科醫生 你只是牙醫
He's a heart surgeon. You're a dentist.
那就好比將軍和小兵同樣都在軍隊服役一樣
It's like saying General Patton and Colonel Mustard are both military men.
嗨 史都醫生
Hi, Dr. Stu.
娜塔莉
Natalie.
史都·華克萊敏斯基 整形外科醫生
我對著她的乳房X光片打手槍
I jerk off to her mammograms.
我真愛我的工作 每天就像在過聖誕節一樣
God, I love my job. Every day is like Christmas.
你今天有哪些病人?
Who are you working over today?
查爾斯·羅根 牙醫
查理醫生 你遲到五分鐘了
Dr. Charlie, you're five minutes late!
有四個人要補牙 三個洗牙 兩個牙冠和一個根管治療
You've got four fillings, three cleanings, two crowns, and a canal.
你今天有太多病人 我可沒那耐心
You've got too many patients, and I've got too little patience
讓你在走廊上和隆乳醫生聊天扯八卦
for you to be gabbing gossip with Dr. Boob Jobs in the hallway.
你今天好嗎 莉芭?
How are you today, Reba?
你剛才偷看我的胸部?
Were you just looking at my tits?
我對這份上天賜予的贈禮 可是很滿意!
Because I am more than happy with what the Lord Almighty gave me.
我剛才沒有看...
I wasn't looking at your...
走吧 查理醫生
Come on, Dr. Charlie.
好 你幫我抬轎
Okay, you're my wingman.
萬一金髮的那個問起 就說我是發明起司條的億萬富翁
If the blonde asks, I'm the billionaire who invented string cheese.
紅髮那個問起 就說我是
If it's that redhead, tell her
《We Are The World》的作曲者
I wrote "We Are the World."
如果是這個小辣妹...
And, uh, if it's that cheerleader hottie over there,
我的老二是金氏世界記錄冠軍
my penis is in the Guinness Book of World Records:
是粗圍不是長度 一定要講得很有說服力 我的媽呀
Girth, not length. I want it to sound believable. Holy shit.
下半身開始啟動
Activate pelvis.
唷!唷!唷! 各位別太猴急
Yo, yo, yo, hold on to your pantyhose.
婚禮女主角現在要向各位嘉賓敬酒!
The hostess with the mostest has got a toastess.
感謝各位前來分享我們今天的喜悅
I just want to thank everybody for coming to share this day with us.
這是我有生以來最幸福快樂的一天
I couldn't imagine being any happier than I am right now.
等到今晚洞房再說
Wait till tonight, sweetheart.
我知道這麼做或許有些違反常例
I know it's a little unorthodox,
但我想請大家和我一起敬酒...
but I'd also like to propose a toast...
向查理·羅根致敬
to Charlie Logan.
謝謝你 查理 多謝你這個幸運之星
Thank you, Charlie, for being my lucky charm.
-敬查理 -敬查理
-To Charlie! - To Charlie.
-你就是那個查理? -哪個查理?
-So, you're that Charlie? -What Charlie?
就是那個查理...牙醫啊
You know, Charlie, the... the dentist.
對不起! 真抱歉!