婚前必問的12個問題 技術性排除潛在婚姻問題

回家過年，單身的同學們是不是又被催婚了呢？說到婚姻，無知必會帶來傷害。情感專家稱，出於害羞、希望保留浪漫神秘感等心理，許多情侶婚前往往不會互相詢問某些有助於建立穩固婚姻基礎但卻難以回答的問題。但有些問題不解決卻會產生問題，所以無論是有對象計劃步入婚姻殿堂、還是仍在相親，可能碰到意中人的朋友們，都建議和未來的另一半探討一下這婚前必問的12個問題，以增進了解。

 

1. Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose?
出現分歧時，你的家人會怎麼做呢？是扔盤子，還是平靜地探討問題，亦或對問題閉口不談？

A relationship's success is based on how differences are dealt with, said Peter Pearson, a founder of the Couples Institute. As we are all shaped by our family's dynamic, he said, this question will give you insight into whether your partner will come to mimic the conflict resolution patterns of his or her parents or avoid them.
"情侶研究所"創始人之一皮特·皮爾森稱，一段關係的成敗取決於人們如何處理分歧。由於我們所有人都會受到自己家庭的影響，這個問題將讓你能夠了解另一半是會效仿還是規避ta父母化解衝突的方式。

 

2. Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers?
我們要孩子嗎？如果要的話，你會換尿布嗎？

 

With the question of children, it is important to not just say what you think your partner wants to hear, according to Debbie Martinez, a divorce and relationship coach. Before marrying, couples should honestly discuss if they want children. How many do they want? At what point do they want to have them? And how do they imagine their roles as parents? Talking about birth-control methods before planning a pregnancy is also important, said Marty Klein, a sex and marriage therapist.
離婚和與情感顧問黛比·馬丁內斯稱，在孩子的問題上，不要只說另一半愛聽的話，這點很重要。婚前，伴侶應在是否想要孩子的問題上開誠布公地談一談。你倆想要幾個孩子？何時想生？想像自己會如何扮演父母的角色？性愛與婚姻治療師馬蒂·克萊因表示，計劃懷孕前探討避孕方法也十分重要。

 

3. Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?
與前任的經驗對彼此有益，還是會成為障礙？

Bradford Wilcox, the director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, indicated that having had many serious relationships can pose a risk for divorce and lower marital quality. This can be because of a person having more experience with serious breakups and potentially comparing a current partner unfavorably with past ones. Raising these issues early on can help, Dr Wilcox said. Dr Klein said people are "hesitant to explicitly talk about their past" and can feel retroactively jealous or judgmental. "The only real way to have those conversations in an intimate and productive way and loving way is to agree to accept that the other person had a life before the couple," he said.
維吉尼亞大學全美婚姻項目負責人布拉德福德·威爾科特斯指出，有過太多嚴肅的兩性關係會帶來離婚、婚姻質量降低的風險。這可能是因為有過較多慘痛分手經歷的人可能會將現任伴侶與前任進行不利比較。威爾科特斯博士表示，早些把問題擺在檯面上會有所幫助。人們不願直截了當地談論過去，還會對過去的事產生嫉妒或苛責的情緒。接受另一半在走入這段關係前是有"歷史"的才是真正能以親密、富有成效且友愛的方式探討這些問題的唯一途徑。

 

4. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?
宗教信仰有多麼重要？如果有信仰的話，我們將如何慶祝宗教節日？

If two people come from different religious backgrounds, is each going to pursue his or her own religious affiliation? Dr Scuka has worked with couples on encouraging honest discussion around this issue as the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. What is more, spouses are especially likely to experience conflict over religious traditions when children are added to the mix, according to Dr Wilcox. If the couple decide to have children, they must ask how the children's religious education will be handled. It is better to have a plan, he said.
如果兩人的宗教信仰不同，是否要繼續追求各自的宗教信仰？斯庫卡博士是全美關係增進研究所執行長，他為一些情侶提供諮詢時鼓勵他們坦率地討論宗教信仰問題。此外，他表示，涉及到孩子的時候，雙方尤其可能因宗教傳統問題產生衝突。若兩人決定要孩子，則須探討如何處理孩子的宗教教育問題，最好能制定一個計劃。

 

5. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?
我的債務你是否會共同承擔？你願意幫我還債嗎？

 

It's important to know how your partner feels about financial self-sufficiency and whether he or she expects you to keep your resources separate, said Frederick Hertz, a divorce lawyer. Disclosing debts is very important. Equally, if there is a serious discrepancy between your income and your partner's, Dr Scuka recommended creating a basic budget according to proportional incomes. Many couples fail to discuss sharing finances, though it is crucial, he said.
離婚律師弗雷德裡克·赫茲稱，了解伴侶如何看待財務獨立，以及ta是否希望分帳是非常重要的。公開債務也很重要。若你和伴侶的收入差異很大，斯庫卡博士會建議你們根據收入比例設立基本預算。他表示，儘管分攤財務的問題十分重要，許多夫婦卻未曾就該問題進行過討論。

 

6. What's the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?
你最願意把錢花在什麼方面，汽車、沙發還是鞋子？

Couples should make sure they are on the same page in terms of financial caution or recklessness. Buying a car is a great indicator, according to Hertz. Couples can also frame this question around what they spend reckless amounts of money on, he said.
雙方應確保在財務謹慎或冒進程度上的一致性。赫茲表示，買車就是一個很好的參考指標。情侶還可以根據他們會在什麼物品上胡亂花錢設置問題。

 

7. Can you deal with my doing things without you?
你能否接受我不帶你去做某些事嗎？

Going into marriage, many people hope to keep their autonomy in certain areas of their life at the same time they are building a partnership with their spouse, according to Seth Eisenberg, the president of Pairs (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills). This means they may be unwilling to share hobbies or friends, and this can lead to tension and feelings of rejection if it isn't discussed. Couples may also have different expectations as to what "privacy" means, added Dr Klein, and that should be discussed, too. Dr Wilcox suggested asking your partner when he or she most needs to be alone.
"親密關係技能實際應用"總裁塞斯·艾森伯格表示，步入婚姻時，許多人都希望在與伴侶建立夥伴關係的同時，也能在生活中的某些領域保持自己的獨立。這意味著他們也許不願與對方分享自己的業餘愛好或朋友，若未就此進行探討，則會導致對方產生被排斥的感覺，而使兩人關係緊張。克萊恩博士表示，雙方對"隱私"所指內容的期望值也可能不盡相同，因此也應加以討論。威爾科特斯博士建議，問問你的伴侶什麼時候最需要獨處。

 

8.Do we like each other's parents?
我們喜歡彼此的父母嗎？

As long as you and your partner present a united front, having a bad relationship with your in-laws can be manageable, Dr Scuka said. But if a spouse is not willing to address the issue with his or her parents, it can bode very poorly for the long-term health of the relationship, he said. At the same time, Dr Pearson said, considering the strengths and weaknesses of your parents can illuminate future patterns of attachment or distancing in your own relationship.
斯庫卡博士說，只要你與另一半立場統一，就能hold得住與公婆/丈人丈母娘關係不好的問題。但如果一方不願解決他/她父母的相關問題，那麼這段關係能長期健康地發展的可能性會相當渺茫。同時，皮爾森博士稱，分析你父母的優缺點，對了解二人未來夫妻關係中的依戀或疏遠模式，會有所啟發。

 

9. How far should we take flirting with other people?
與他人調情的程度

Dr Klein said couples should discuss their attitudes about flirting and expectations for sexual exclusivity. A couple's agreement on behavior in this area can, and most likely will, change down the line, he said, but it is good to set the tone early on so both partners are comfortable discussing it. Ideally, sexual exclusivity should be talked about in the same way as other day-to-day concerns, so that problems can be dealt with before a partner becomes angry, he said.
克萊恩博士稱，情侶應當探討他們對於調情以及對排他的性關係的看法。他表示，兩人就此達成的一致很可能還會在今後有所變化，但早些定調是件好事，這樣雙方就可以自然地討論這類問題。理想狀態下，兩人應像談論日常生活中彼此關心的其他事一樣，談論排他的性關係，這樣就能在一方生氣前處理這些問題。

 

10. Do you know all the ways I say "I love you"?
你知道所有我在說"我愛你"的方式嗎？

 

Gary Chapman's 1992 book, "The 5 Love Languages," introduced this means of categorizing expressions of love to strengthen a marriage. Ms Martinez hands her premarriage clients a list of the five love languages: affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical touch. She asks them to mark their primary and secondary languages and what they think is their partner's, and discuss them. Mr Eisenberg said that a couple needs to work out how to nurture the relationship, in a way specific to them.
加裡·查普曼1992年出版的書籍《五種愛情語言》引入了區分愛情表達方式以鞏固婚姻關係的方法。馬丁內斯女士向其即將步入婚姻殿堂的客戶給出了這五種愛情語言：肯定、愉悅時光、接受禮物、為對方服務和身體接觸。她請這些客戶標出他們最喜歡和其次喜愛的語言，以及他們認為伴侶最常使用的愛情語言，並就此進行討論。艾森伯格先生稱，情侶需要弄清如何以他們特有的方式增進彼此的關係。

 

11. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?
我身上哪些東西你比較欣賞，哪些讓你無法忍受？

Can you imagine the challenges ever outweighing the admiration? If so, what would you do? Anne Klaeysen, a leader of the New York Society for Ethical Culture, said that couples rarely consider that second question. Ideally, marriage is a life commitment, she said, and it's not enough to just "click together," as many couples describe their relationship. A marriage must go deeper than that original "click."
你能想到有些挑戰會磨滅愛慕之情嗎？如果是的話，你會怎麼做？紐約道德文化學會的負責人安妮·克雷森稱，情侶很少考慮第二個問題。她表示，理想情況下，婚姻是一生的承諾，許多情侶描述他們的關係時會提到"一見鍾情"，但僅有這種情感是不夠的。婚姻必須比"鍾情"要更加深沉。

 

12. How do you see us 10 years from now?
十年後我們會是什麼樣子？

Keeping the answer to this question in mind can help a couple deal with current conflict as they work toward their ultimate relationship goals, according to Mr Eisenberg. Dr Wilcox said this discussion could also be an opportunity to raise the question of whether each partner will consider divorce if the relationship deteriorates, or whether they expect marriage to be for life, come what may.
艾森伯格先生稱，將這個問題的答案牢記在心會有助於情侶解決當前的衝突，因為他們會向著婚姻關係的終極目標而努力。威爾科特斯博士表示，探討該問題也提供了一個機會，讓你能了解在關係惡化時，伴侶是會考慮離婚，還是認為無論發生什麼，婚姻都是一輩子的事。

 

英文來源：紐約時報
編譯：丁一

 

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