作者：斯與雁
編輯：馬臉託
大家好，這裡是斯與雁！
近期發了自己第一篇公眾號以後，爸媽和其他長輩以及朋友都有很多反響，但是開心之餘也有一些很煩惱的事情，所以就有了這篇原創隨筆。
初稿是中文，但是我日常為了練筆也寫了一個英文版（！！！不是原文翻譯，大約有10％-20%的內容會有出入，但是有些中文部分其實最初在腦子裡的時候是英語，有可能看英文會更舒適hhhhh）
畢竟不是母語，疏漏可能很多，請大家多多提意見！(可以在公眾號後臺私信呀～)
大家看完以後請一定投一下票！
投票！！
投票！！！
謝謝！(鞠躬)
（重要的事情說三遍～）
進入正文👇
說來奇怪，近期感覺什麼都被戲劇化了：好的太好，壞的太壞。畢竟疫情之下，沒有什麼原本看上去離經叛道的事情，是令人咂舌的了。「人有悲歡離合」早已爛熟於心，可當那個人在匆匆人流中忽然轉過身離去，言辭委婉到愈發顯得心思決絕，心中便又有無盡的悲涼。更可悲的是，你無論多奮力朝她遊去，都註定被翻騰的時光和意外裹挾著帶走，只留下那近乎殘忍的禮貌。
I suppose it would be weird to say that recently everything has been dramatized: overly good or overly bad. After all, under the epidemic, anything that would have looked outlandish back in time, would be considered to be worth freaking out for. 「People have sorrows and joys as they meet and part」 carved into the heart, but when that person suddenly turned away in the hurrying crowd, with excellent usage of euphemism sounding to me like nothing other than solid determination; desolateand miserable my heart turns. Even more sorrowful it turned: no matter how hard you try to swim towards her, you are destined to be swamped away, wrapped in the waves created by time and accident, leaving the cruel politeness as the last bit of memory.
大概所有壞的事情，都是為了為近期的好事做平衡。上帝若是存在，他定是個溫柔而殘酷的孩子。一個總愛在甜的發膩的蛋糕惡作劇般的裡夾些黃蓮，卻也頑固而執著的在每碗中藥裡撒下溫暖而治癒的砂糖的孩子。可是人類偏偏不夠通透，就算明白了道理也定要無病呻吟的。
Probably all bad things are to balance recent good things. If God exists, he must be atender and cruel child. He would always trick you into eating a chocolate cake that looks like its sweetness is oozing out, but in fact, it is made from 100% dark chocolate and pure coffee. Yet with his stubbornness and persistence, he also managed to sprinkle some form of warm and curing sugar into every cup of unbearably bitter black coffee. Despite the fact that human being know those truth of life, they express their helplessness in understanding and accepting them through maudlin and sentimental words.
與其讓我那微不足道到可笑的大喜大悲覆在心上，不如讓滿腔情緒傾瀉而出；既然「精神的絲縷還牽著已逝的寂寞的時光」，我便將計就計寫些什麼，予以告慰。
Instead of overwhelming myself with the ridiculously insignificant ecstasy and misery, I decided to let my boiling emotions pour out; and since 「the spiritual thread still ties on to the lonely time of the past", I shall use it to write something as solace.
從二三十年前的「學好數理化」，再到90，00後紛紛投身的的金融，編程，再到當今因新冠而大熱的生物學，文學在我的世界裡從來不是炙手可熱的學科，更不是什麼閃耀而值得驕傲的夢想。自從18年離開中國，對中文文學的學習與堅持便總時時顯得無用而孤單。自從進入GCSE（英國中學課程）學習，每周四下午在狹小教室裡，木桌上那本藍白相間的簡裝《傾城之戀》，和那個笑著聽我胡說八道的人，也漸漸的落灰，然後隨著灰被吹散在那被上百次重複的一天中。
Starting with the slogan " Learn mathematics, physics and chemistry, you go across the world and gain victory" 20 or 30 years ago, then the finance and programming which the recent generation devote themselves into, and till now Biologyas the most significant subject post the pandemic, literature has never been adesirable and popular subject in my world (just like myself as a person, sometime I say to myself), nor is it a dream that shines with proudness. Since leaving China in 2018, the study and faith in Chinese literature have always seemed useless and lonely. And as I entered the GCSE course, the tiny classroom every Thursday afternoon, the blue and white paperback "Love in the FallenCity" on the wooden table, and the person who grinned at and listened to my nonsense, gradually got covered with a layer of dust. Just like the dust blown away in the wind, they silently disappeared into the ever so repetitive days.
你和我說，如果還有一絲希望和熱愛，就不要認命啊。中文是美好的語言，是簡單的組合和複雜的情緒。
You told me, that if there is still the slightest hope and love, don't give up to the so called 'fate'. Chinese is a beautiful language, complex emotions within the simple combinations of words.
我說，不，錯了，死心塌地學習中文，才叫認命。中文是我的喜歡和擅長，可偏偏不是那條充斥著世俗認可，老套成功，和代開發的潛能的道路。憑什麼我就不能走在那條光明卻坎坷，充滿著挑戰，競爭和喧囂的大道上，而永遠愛著布滿薔薇而鮮有人知的林間小徑呢？我憑什麼不可以為自己貪心一次？
I said, no, you are wrong. Deciding to learn Chinese with no regret would be losing in the battle with my fate. Chinese is my favourite and where my talent points, but it is not the path full of what they call recognition, the traditional concept of success and undiscovered talent of myself. Why can't I walk on the bright but bumpyroad full of challenges, competition and hustle and bustle, whilst always be inlove with the untrodden and rarely know forest trail covered with rose? Isn’tit time to abandon the old morals and be a greedy person just for once?
人走陽關道，心在獨木橋——小孩子才做選擇，我都要。
Two roads divergedin a yellow wood, and I am determined to travel both
這裡廢話一句：
一開始中文稿是只有一個「我都要」的表情包而沒有這句話，翻譯的時候忽然想到可以加一句 :-P
（這句話改編自Robert Frost 的詩歌The Road Not Taken，《未選擇的路》，後期在漢語裡找了兩個個平行的梗作為這句話的原文）
所以有了二話不說加入同學創辦的公眾號的決定，也有了假期必須每個月出至少兩篇800字以上文章的誓言。
So there was the decision to join my friends public account on WeChat without a word, and the oath that at least two articles of 800 words (or more) must be published each month, during the holidays.
然後又有了就有了意外的得獎。也許冥冥之中自有天意吧，對各類競賽毫無興趣的我，居然在學校唯一的中文老師因為疫情失聯，且截稿三天前才完成的情況下，莫名其妙有了一種倔強——非要不知天高地厚的請人把那篇衝動寫作的產物，交到主辦方手裡。
Then there was the unexpected prize. Maybe it was just supposed to be what it had been. I am not a person (and have never been) interested in various competitions, yet when the only Chinese teacher at the school lost contact due to the pandemic, and the essay itself was completed only within three days before the deadline, a kind of stubbornness rose in me— —the immature and illogical side of me told me to ask someone to hand over this written product of randomness to the organizer of the competition. (it seemed like trash to me when I first finished it)
那篇迎來我父母無數彩虹屁和一點點對文科的改觀的論文，那張一等獎的獎狀和100英鎊的獎金，對於我這個格外在意外界看法和需要肯定的青春期孩子，大概有著超乎我自己想像的重量吧。
Yet it was this essay that made my parents compliment me again and again, and it was this essay that somehow change their view the essay subjects a little bit. It was this essay with the first prize certificate and a prize of 100 pounds, that had weight beyond imagination, to me as an adolescent child, who care so much about opinions of others and always wants be affirmed by others.
是溫和卻真切的鼓勵，是飄渺希望被輕輕悄悄攥在手心的欣喜若狂。
It's a gentle but genuine encouragement, it's the ecstatic joy after knowing the ethereal hope quietly lays in your palm.
最後的最後，在快樂與感動裡，總有一抹淡淡藍色，為歡快的基調添了一抹憂傷：在這些好消息接踵而至時候，我最想告訴的人恐怕後會無期了。但是我希望你可以聽到，那個用崇拜的眼神看著你，嘰嘰喳喳跟在你身後的女孩，不僅在磕磕絆絆中贏得了屬於自己的成就與機會， 也明終於白了自己的能力與方向。
In the end, in the joyful and moving atmosphere brought by it, there is always a touch of light blue, which adds the discrete but visible sadness to the cheerful tone: when all that good news knock on my door, the person I want to tell the most was no longer reachable for me. But I hope you know, I really do hope that you know, that the girl who follows you around, the girl who looked at you with admiring eyes and chattered to you, did won her own achievements and opportunities with all the stumbling, and most importantly, she finally recognised her own abilities and directions.
我永遠忘不了，在那個春寒料峭的日子裡的一句「不要再謝我啦，你有必要這麼開心嗎？」，和至今未說出口的答案。
I will never forget that chill spring and the words "stop saying thank you to me,why on earth are you so happy just for this?", and the unspoken answer.
「因為和你有關，所以笑著說了千千萬萬遍」
"for you, with laughter, a thousand times over. "
——2020-06-26凌晨兩點 記於北京
---- Two o'clock in the morning on June 26,2020
(翻譯＋最終成稿於2020-06-28)
馬臉託：這幫人投稿還蠻積極的¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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