How do we choose the people we fall in love with?
我們要如何選擇我們戀愛的對象
In the modern world,
在現今的社會裡
under the ideology of 'Romanticism'
在浪漫主義下
you're meant above all, to Trust Your Feelings!
最重要的就是：相信你的感覺
Love is a mutual ecstasy
愛是彼此互相欣喜的
at finding a beautiful person,
當找到一個不管是外表還是內在都很美的人
inside and out, with the rare capacity, to make us happy.
並且她有獨一無二的專長，都使我們快樂
The romantic attitude sounds warm and kind.
這個浪漫的想法聽起來溫暖而且和善
It's originators certainly imagined
第一個這樣想的人肯定誤以為
that it would bring to an end the sort of
這一切都終將變成
unhappy relationships
破碎的關係
that resulted from the old ways of finding a partner;
這個結果都來自於尋找伴侶的老方式
the arranged marriage!
安排好的婚姻
The only problem is that this call for us to trust our instincts
唯一的問題是要我們相信自己的直覺
has very often proved to be a disaster of its own.
卻常常讓自己陷入一場災難
Respecting the special feelings we get around certain people
尊重對方帶給我們的感覺
in night-clubs, or train stations; at parties or on websites
不管是在夜店、車站、派對還是網路上
and that romanticism so ably celebrated an art
浪漫的人總是能簡單的找到其中的美來慶祝
appears not to have led us to be any happier in our unions
顯現出了我們不可能再從彼此得到快樂了
The Medieval couple shackled into marriage by two royal courts
從前的伴侶被婚姻枷鎖綁在一起
keen to preserve the sovereignty of a slice of ancestral land.
渴望著守護名存實亡的權利
Instinct has been little better than calculation
直覺還是比計算來的好點
in underwriting the quality of our love stories.
為了保證我們愛情故事的品質
There's another school of thought:
還有另外一方認為
this one influenced by psychotherapy
心理治療中
which challenges the notion that trusting instinct
證實了這個＂相信直覺＂看法的引響力
invariably draws us to those who will make us happy.
老是吸引我們到那個使我們快樂的地方
That's because the theory points out
這個理論指出
that we don't fail in love first and foremost
我們不會相愛是首要與最重要的
with those who care for us in ideal ways
以理想方式去在意我們的人
We fall in love with those who care for us in familiar ways.
我們會愛上以相同方式表達關心我們的人
And there might be, a big difference.
這其中可能是有很大的差異
Adult love is modeled on a template of love
成年後的愛情就像模型上的樣板
created in childhood.
在我們童年時就形成了
And is likely to be entwined with a range of
這好比纏繞一系列的
problematic attractions
吸引我們的麻煩
that militate in key ways
妨礙的關鍵跟大人一樣
against our chances of growth and happiness, as adults.
在成長與快樂的機會之下
We may believe we are seeking happiness in love
我們可能會相信自己在愛中追求幸福
but what we are really after is familiarity
但我們真正追求的是熟悉感
We're looking to recreate within our adult relationships
我們想要在大人的關係裡成現
the very feelings we knew so well in childhood
那些童年時的感覺
And which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care.
我們小時候體驗的愛，沒有局限於溫柔與關心
The love many of us would've tasted early on
那麼多種的愛我們可能都已嘗過了
was confused with other perhaps more destructive dynamics
我們可能對感情上的事感到疑惑
Feelings of wanting to help an adult who is out of control
想要的感覺幫助那些無助的大人們
or of being deprived of a parent's warmth.
或者是沒有感受過父母的溫暖
Or scared of his/her anger
或是害怕父母的憤怒
or of not feeling secure enough to communicate our trickier wishes
因為覺得沒有安全感不敢說出自己的玩笑或者願望
How logical then, that we should as adults find ourselves
邏輯上或許我們長大就會找回自己了
rejecting certain candidates
拒絕掉不喜歡的
not because they're wrong for us
不是因為他們不適合我們
but because they're a little too right
而是因為他們太好了
In a sense of seeming somehow excessively balanced,
在某種意義上看起來過度的完美
mature, understanding
成熟的、寬容的
and reliable
並且值得信賴的
given that in our hearts such rightness feels foreign and unearned
我們心裡覺得自己好像配不上
To choose our partners wisely,
聰明的選擇伴侶
we need to tease out how certain compulsions to suffering
我們需要弄清如何肯定折磨的強迫力
may be playing themselves out in our feelings of attraction.
可能是要他們自己發現在我們吸引力的感受
A useful starting place is to ask ourselves
有個有用的開始是要問自己
perhaps in the company of a large sheet of paper, a pen and a free afternoon
也許在公司的一大張紙，一支筆，一個下午的自由時間
what sort of people in the abstract put us off and what kinds excite us.
是什麼樣的人把自己關在空洞裡是什麼樣的事物使我們興奮不已
To try to trace back qualities to the people who first loves us in childhood
試著回朔童年愛著我們那些人的特質
and to ask ourselves how much our impulses really
問問自己我們因為多少的衝動
are aligned with things that might make us happy
真的使所有事一致的感到快樂
We could stand to discover for example that slightly distant and sadistic people
我們可以站旁邊發覺例如稍微疏遠的人和兇神惡煞的人
do always more interesting to us than
總是對我們做出較有趣的事
the so-called 'nice' ones.
但所謂「好」
That should make us stop and think.
這應該是要讓我們能停下來想一想。
Our honestly described reactions are legacies
我們誠實的描述是 反應遺流的痕跡
They are revealing underlying assumptions we've acquired
他們揭露我們已獲得的暗含臆斷
that what love for us can feel like.
什麼樣的愛對我們來說是可以感覺得到
We may start to get a clearer picture
我們可以清楚從圖中發現
that our vision of what we're looking for in another person
我們在尋找人生中另一半時的憧憬
might not be in a specially good guide
不可能是一本專業指南手冊
to our personal happiness.
給我們幸福。
Examining our emotional histories
審視著我們的情感歷程
we learn that we can't just be attracted to anyone
我們知道，我們不會只被別人吸引
we're limited in the types we have
我們只局限於我們所擁有的類型
because of certain things that happened to us in our past.
因為事實就發生在我們的過去。
Even if we can't always radically shift these pattern
即使我們不可能徹底的改變這個模式
it's useful to know that we're carrying a ball and chain
簡單來說，我們繫著一顆球與鏈條
It can make us more careful of ourselves
它讓我們更小心自己
when we feel overwhelmed by a certainty that we've met the one
當我們覺得被已遇上的事實給淹沒時
after just a few minutes chatting at the bar.
短短幾分鐘後，在酒吧聊聊天。
Or when we're certain someone is just brawn or boring
或者當某些人只是膂力旺盛時或無聊時
even though objectively, they do have a lot going for them.
儘管客觀上，他們確實有很多利於他們的條件
Ultimately, we stand to be liberated to love different people to our initial
最後我們最初的立場獲得愛著不同的人的自由
types, when we find that the qualities we like
不管什麼類型，當我們發現我們喜歡的特質
and the ones we very much fear
和那些我們非常恐懼的人
can be found in different constellations
可以在不同的星座找到
from those we encountered in the people who first thought us about affection
從我們那些遇見的人們中要先想過我們自己的虛偽
long ago, in a childhood we should strive to understand
很久以前，在童年的我們應該努力理解
and in many ways, free ourselves from.
在許多方面，讓我們從中自由吧!!!
How do we choose the people we fall in love with?
我們要如何選擇我們戀愛的對象
In the modern world,
在現今的社會裡
under the ideology of 'Romanticism'
在浪漫主義下
you're meant above all, to Trust Your Feelings!
最重要的就是：相信你的感覺
Love is a mutual ecstasy
愛是彼此互相欣喜的
at finding a beautiful person,
當找到一個不管是外表還是內在都很美的人
inside and out, with the rare capacity, to make us happy.
並且她有獨一無二的專長，都使我們快樂
The romantic attitude sounds warm and kind.
這個浪漫的想法聽起來溫暖而且和善
It's originators certainly imagined
第一個這樣想的人肯定誤以為
that it would bring to an end the sort of
這一切都終將變成
unhappy relationships
破碎的關係
that resulted from the old ways of finding a partner;
這個結果都來自於尋找伴侶的老方式
the arranged marriage!
安排好的婚姻
The only problem is that this call for us to trust our instincts
唯一的問題是要我們相信自己的直覺
has very often proved to be a disaster of its own.
卻常常讓自己陷入一場災難
Respecting the special feelings we get around certain people
尊重對方帶給我們的感覺
in night-clubs, or train stations; at parties or on websites
不管是在夜店、車站、派對還是網路上
and that romanticism so ably celebrated an art
浪漫的人總是能簡單的找到其中的美來慶祝
appears not to have led us to be any happier in our unions
顯現出了我們不可能再從彼此得到快樂了
The Medieval couple shackled into marriage by two royal courts
從前的伴侶被婚姻枷鎖綁在一起
keen to preserve the sovereignty of a slice of ancestral land.
渴望著守護名存實亡的權利
Instinct has been little better than calculation
直覺還是比計算來的好點
in underwriting the quality of our love stories.
為了保證我們愛情故事的品質
There's another school of thought:
還有另外一方認為
this one influenced by psychotherapy
心理治療中
which challenges the notion that trusting instinct
證實了這個＂相信直覺＂看法的引響力
invariably draws us to those who will make us happy.
老是吸引我們到那個使我們快樂的地方
That's because the theory points out
這個理論指出
that we don't fail in love first and foremost
我們不會相愛是首要與最重要的
with those who care for us in ideal ways
以理想方式去在意我們的人
We fall in love with those who care for us in familiar ways.
我們會愛上以相同方式表達關心我們的人
And there might be, a big difference.
這其中可能是有很大的差異
Adult love is modeled on a template of love
成年後的愛情就像模型上的樣板
created in childhood.
在我們童年時就形成了
And is likely to be entwined with a range of
這好比纏繞一系列的
problematic attractions
吸引我們的麻煩
that militate in key ways
妨礙的關鍵跟大人一樣
against our chances of growth and happiness, as adults.
在成長與快樂的機會之下
We may believe we are seeking happiness in love
我們可能會相信自己在愛中追求幸福
but what we are really after is familiarity
但我們真正追求的是熟悉感
We're looking to recreate within our adult relationships
我們想要在大人的關係裡成現
the very feelings we knew so well in childhood
那些童年時的感覺
And which were rarely limited to just tenderness and care.
我們小時候體驗的愛，沒有局限於溫柔與關心
The love many of us would've tasted early on
那麼多種的愛我們可能都已嘗過了
was confused with other perhaps more destructive dynamics
我們可能對感情上的事感到疑惑
Feelings of wanting to help an adult who is out of control
想要的感覺幫助那些無助的大人們
or of being deprived of a parent's warmth.
或者是沒有感受過父母的溫暖
Or scared of his/her anger
或是害怕父母的憤怒
or of not feeling secure enough to communicate our trickier wishes
因為覺得沒有安全感不敢說出自己的玩笑或者願望
How logical then, that we should as adults find ourselves
邏輯上或許我們長大就會找回自己了
rejecting certain candidates
拒絕掉不喜歡的
not because they're wrong for us
不是因為他們不適合我們
but because they're a little too right
而是因為他們太好了
In a sense of seeming somehow excessively balanced,
在某種意義上看起來過度的完美
mature, understanding
成熟的、寬容的
and reliable
並且值得信賴的
given that in our hearts such rightness feels foreign and unearned
我們心裡覺得自己好像配不上
To choose our partners wisely,
聰明的選擇伴侶
we need to tease out how certain compulsions to suffering
我們需要弄清如何肯定折磨的強迫力
may be playing themselves out in our feelings of attraction.
可能是要他們自己發現在我們吸引力的感受
A useful starting place is to ask ourselves
有個有用的開始是要問自己
perhaps in the company of a large sheet of paper, a pen and a free afternoon
也許在公司的一大張紙，一支筆，一個下午的自由時間
what sort of people in the abstract put us off and what kinds excite us.
是什麼樣的人把自己關在空洞裡是什麼樣的事物使我們興奮不已
To try to trace back qualities to the people who first loves us in childhood
試著回朔童年愛著我們那些人的特質
and to ask ourselves how much our impulses really
問問自己我們因為多少的衝動
are aligned with things that might make us happy
真的使所有事一致的感到快樂
We could stand to discover for example that slightly distant and sadistic people
我們可以站旁邊發覺例如稍微疏遠的人和兇神惡煞的人
do always more interesting to us than
總是對我們做出較有趣的事
the so-called 'nice' ones.
但所謂「好」
That should make us stop and think.
這應該是要讓我們能停下來想一想。
Our honestly described reactions are legacies
我們誠實的描述是 反應遺流的痕跡
They are revealing underlying assumptions we've acquired
他們揭露我們已獲得的暗含臆斷
that what love for us can feel like.
什麼樣的愛對我們來說是可以感覺得到
We may start to get a clearer picture
我們可以清楚從圖中發現
that our vision of what we're looking for in another person
我們在尋找人生中另一半時的憧憬
might not be in a specially good guide
不可能是一本專業指南手冊
to our personal happiness.
給我們幸福。
Examining our emotional histories
審視著我們的情感歷程
we learn that we can't just be attracted to anyone
我們知道，我們不會只被別人吸引
we're limited in the types we have
我們只局限於我們所擁有的類型
because of certain things that happened to us in our past.
因為事實就發生在我們的過去。
Even if we can't always radically shift these pattern
即使我們不可能徹底的改變這個模式
it's useful to know that we're carrying a ball and chain
簡單來說，我們繫著一顆球與鏈條
It can make us more careful of ourselves
它讓我們更小心自己
when we feel overwhelmed by a certainty that we've met the one
當我們覺得被已遇上的事實給淹沒時
after just a few minutes chatting at the bar.
短短幾分鐘後，在酒吧聊聊天。
Or when we're certain someone is just brawn or boring
或者當某些人只是膂力旺盛時或無聊時
even though objectively, they do have a lot going for them.
儘管客觀上，他們確實有很多利於他們的條件
Ultimately, we stand to be liberated to love different people to our initial
最後我們最初的立場獲得愛著不同的人的自由
types, when we find that the qualities we like
不管什麼類型，當我們發現我們喜歡的特質
and the ones we very much fear
和那些我們非常恐懼的人
can be found in different constellations
可以在不同的星座找到
from those we encountered in the people who first thought us about affection
從我們那些遇見的人們中要先想過我們自己的虛偽
long ago, in a childhood we should strive to understand
很久以前，在童年的我們應該努力理解
and in many ways, free ourselves from.
在許多方面，讓我們從中自由吧!!