I'm sitting in a bar with a couple of friends --literally, a couple, married couple.
我和一對朋友坐在酒吧——準確的說，是一對已婚夫妻。
They're the parents of two young children,seven academic degrees between them,big nerds, really nice people but very sleep-deprived.
他們是兩個小孩的父母，一共獲得了 7 個學位，身材高大的書呆子， 人很好，但是睡眠不足。
And they ask me the question I get asked more than any other question.
他們問的問題是我最常被問的。
They go, "So, Emily,how do couples, you know, sustain a strong sexual connection over multiple decades?"
他們往往這樣問，「那麼，艾米麗，夫妻怎樣能保持穩固的性關係長達幾十年？」
I'm a sex educator, which is why my friends ask me questions like this,and I am also a big nerd like my friends.
我是個性教育者，所以我朋友 常問我這樣的問題，並且我和我朋友 一樣也是個大書呆子。
I love science, which is why I can give them something like an answer.
我愛科學，所以我可以給 他們一些像是答案的東西，
Research actually has pretty solid evidence that couples who sustain strong sexual connections over multiple decades have two things in common.
確實有非常確鑿的研究證據顯示能夠保持穩固性關係幾十年的夫妻有兩個共同點。
Before I can tell my friends what those two things are,
在我告訴朋友 這兩個共同點是什麼之前，
I have to tell them a few things that they are not.
我得告訴他們哪些不是這些共同點。
These are not couples who have sex very often.
這些不是經常做愛的夫妻。
Almost none of us have sex very often.
幾乎我們每個人都不常做愛。
We are busy.
我們很忙。
They are also not couples who necessarily have wild, adventurous sex.
他們也通常不是那種進行 瘋狂和冒險性行為的夫妻。
One recent study actually found
一個最近的研究其實發現
that the couples who are most strongly predicted
在最能被預測出具備
to have strong sexual and relationship satisfaction,
穩固的性和關係滿意度的夫妻中，
the best predictor of that
最好的預測因子不是
is not what kind of sex they have
他們有什麼樣的性行為，
or how often or where they have it
有多頻繁或發生在哪，
but whether they cuddle after sex.
而是他們在做愛後是否會擁抱。
And they are not necessarily couples
他們也不一定是總迫不及待
who constantly can't wait to keep their hands off each other.
想把手從對方身上拿開的夫妻。
Some of them are.
有些人是。
They experience what the researchers call "spontaneous desire,"
他們經歷了研究者所說的「自發欲望」，
that just sort of seems to appear out of the blue.
這似乎是突然出現的。
Erika Moen, the cartoonist who illustrated my book,
艾瑞克·莫恩，給我的書 配插圖的漫畫家，
draws spontaneous desire as a lightning bolt to the genitals --
把自發欲望畫成生殖器 的一道閃電——
kaboom! -- you just want it out of the blue.
砰——你突然就想要了。
That is absolutely one normal, healthy way to experience sexual desire.
這絕對是體驗性慾的一種 正常、健康的方式。
But there's another healthy way to experience sexual desire.
但還有另一種體驗性慾的健康方式，
It's called "responsive desire."
叫做「響應性慾望」。
Where spontaneous desire seems to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,
這種情況下，對快樂的預期 會產生自發的欲望，
responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.
響應性慾望始於對快樂的反應。
There's a sex therapist in New Jersey named Christine Hyde,
新澤西州有個性治療師 叫克裡斯汀·海德，
who taught me this great metaphor she uses with her clients.
她跟我說了這個 她給客戶說的很好比方。
She says, imagine that your best friend invites you to a party.
她說，想像你最好 的朋友邀請你去派對。
You say yes because it's your best friend and a party.
你說好的，因為這是你最好 的朋友，並且是個派對。
But then, as the date approaches, you start thinking,
但然後，隨著日期臨近，你開始想，
"Aw, there's going to be all this traffic.
「啊，可能交通會很堵。
We have to find child care.
我們得找人看護孩子。
Am I really going to want to put my party clothes on
我真想周末穿上派對衣服
and get there at the end of the week?"
去那裡嗎？」
But you put on your party clothes and you show up to the party,
但你還是穿上派對衣服 並出現在了派對上，
and what happens?
然後發生了什麼？
You have a good time at the party.
你在派對上度過了 一段愉悅的時光。
If you are having fun at the party,
如果你在派對上很開心，
you are doing it right.
你就做對了。
When it comes to a sexual connection, it's the same thing.
當涉及到性關係時， 也是同樣的事情。
You put on your party clothes,
你穿上你的派對衣服，
you set up the child care,
你把小孩看護好了，
you put your body in the bed,
你躺在床上，
you let your skin touch your partner's skin
讓肌膚觸摸伴侶的肌膚，
and allow your body to wake up and remember,
讓你的身體覺醒並記得，
"Oh, right! I like this.
「哦，對！我喜歡這個。
I like this person!"
我喜歡這個人！」
That's responsive desire,
這是響應性慾望，
and it is key to understanding the couples who sustain a strong sexual connection
並且它是理解能長期保持 穩固性關係的夫妻
over the long term,
的關鍵所在，
because -- and this is the part where I tell my friends
因為——這部分是 我告訴我朋友的地方，
the two characteristics of the couples who do sustain a strong sexual connection --
那些長期保持穩固性關係 的夫妻的兩個特徵——
one, they have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship.
第一，他們的感情有著 深厚的友誼基礎。
Specifically, they have strong trust.
特別是，他們彼此信任對方。
Relationship researcher and therapist,
關係研究者及治療師，
developer of emotionally focused therapy,
情感專注療法的開發者，
Sue Johnson,
蘇·詹森，
boils trust down to this question:
把信任歸結為這兩個問題：
Are you there for me?
你會為我守候嗎？
Especially, are you emotionally present and available for me?
特別是，你對我的情感 存在且可用嗎？
Friends are there for each other.
朋友都是相互支持的。
One.
這是第一點。
The second characteristic is that they prioritize sex.
第二個特點是他們優先考慮性愛。
They decide that it matters for their relationship.
他們認定性愛對他們的關係很重要。
They choose to set aside all the other things that they could be doing --
他們選擇放開一切他們 可能在做的其他事情——
the children they could be raising and the jobs they could be going to,
他們可能要撫養的小孩 和他們可能要做的工作，
the other family members to pay attention to,
他們要照看的其他家人，
the other friends they might want to hang out with.
他們可能想一起 出去玩的其他朋友。
God forbid they just want to watch some television or go to sleep.
但願他們不只是 想看電視或想睡覺。
Stop doing all that stuff and create a protected space
停止做所有那些事情 並創建一個受保護的空間，
where all you're going to do is put your body in the bed
在那裡你要做的就是躺在床上，
and let your skin touch your partner's skin.
讓肌膚觸摸伴侶的肌膚。
So that's it:
就是這樣：
best friends,
最好的朋友，
prioritize sex.
性愛優先。
So I said this to my friends in the bar.
於是我在酒吧跟我朋友說了這些。
I was like, best friends, prioritize sex, I told them about the party,
我說，最好的朋友，性愛優先， 我告訴了他們派對的故事，
I said you put your skin next to your partner's skin.
讓肌膚親近伴侶的肌膚。
And one of the partners I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."
和我談話的一位伴侶說：「啊哈。」
(Laughter)
（笑聲）
And I was like, "OK, so, there's your problem."
我說，「好吧，所以， 這就是你的問題了。」
(Laughter)
（笑聲）
The difficulty was not that they did not want to go to the party, necessarily.
難點不一定在於他們不想參加派對，
If the difficulty is just a lack of spontaneous desire for party,
如果困難只是缺乏自發的派對欲望，
you know what to do:
你知道該做什麼：
you put on your party clothes and show up for the party.
只需要穿上派對衣服出現在派對上。
If you're having fun at the party, you're doing it right.
如果你在派對上玩得開心，你做對了。
Their difficulty was that this was a party
難點在於這個派對上
where she didn't love what there was available to eat,
沒有她喜歡吃的食物，
the music was not her favorite music,
音樂也不對她胃口，
and she wasn't totally sure she felt great about her relationships with people
並且她也不完全確定她對派對上的人
who were at the party.
的關係感到滿意。
And this happens all the time:
這種事一直在發生：
nice people who love each other come to dread sex.
彼此相愛的好人懼怕性愛。
These couples, if they seek sex therapy,
這些夫妻，如果他們尋求性愛治療，
the therapist might have them stand up
治療師可能會讓他們站起來，
and put as much distance between their bodies as they need
為了讓他們感到舒適，儘可能地
in order to feel comfortable,
讓他們的身體保持距離，
and the less interested partner will make 20 feet of space.
而不太感興趣的伴侶 會騰出 20 英尺的空間。
And the really difficult part is that space is not empty.
真正的困難在於這空間不是空的。
It is crowded with weeks or months or more
它擠滿了數周，數月甚至 更長的類似這樣的東西：
of the, "You're not listening to me,"
「你沒在聽我說話，」
and "I don't know what's wrong with me but your criticism isn't helping,"
和「我不知道我有什麼毛病， 但你的指責沒用。」
and, "If you loved me, you would," and, "You're not there for me."
以及「如果你愛我，就會這樣做。」 或「我需要你的時候，你不在那。」
Years, maybe, of all these difficult feelings.
可能長達數年，全是這些困難的感覺。
In the book, I use this really silly metaphor
在書中，我用了一個非常愚蠢的比喻，
of difficult feelings as sleepy hedgehogs
把困難的感覺比喻成你在 飼養的昏昏欲睡的刺蝟，
that you are fostering until you can find a way to set them free
直到你能找到一種方法放生它們，
by turning toward them with kindness and compassion.
帶著善意和同情對待它們。
And the couples who struggle to maintain a strong sexual connection,
那些掙扎著保持 穩固性愛關係的伴侶，
the distance between them is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.
他們之間的距離充滿著 這些昏昏欲睡的刺蝟。
And it happens in any relationship that lasts long enough.
這會發生在任何一段 持續夠久的關係上。
You, too, are fostering a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs
你也一樣，在你和那個特定的人中間
between you and your certain special someone.
養了一隻昏昏欲睡的刺蝟。
The difference between couples who sustain a strong sexual connection
維持穩固性關係的夫妻 與沒能維持的夫妻
and the ones who don't
之間的差異，
is not that they don't experience these difficult hurt feelings,
並不在於他們沒經歷 這些困難的感受，
it's that they turn towards those difficult feelings
而在於他們把這些困難的感覺
with kindness and compassion
轉向善意和同情，
so that they can set them free
這樣他們就能夠釋放這些感覺
and find their way back to each other.
並找到回到彼此身邊的路。
So my friends in the bar are faced with the question under the question,
於是我酒吧的朋友面臨著 隱藏在表面之下的問題，
not, "How do we sustain a strong connection?"
這個問題不是， 「我們如何維持穩固的關係？」
but, "How do we find our way back to it?"
而是，「我們如何找回原來的感覺？」
And, yes, there is science to answer this question,
是的，有科學能回答這個問題，
but in 25 years as a sex educator,
但在作為性教育者的 25 年中，
one thing I have learned is sometimes, Emily,
我學到的一件事是， 有時候，艾米麗，
less science,
科學更少，
more hedgehogs.
刺蝟更多。
So I told them about me.
於是我告訴了他們我的故事。
I spent many months writing a book about the science of women's sexual well-being.
我花了好幾個月寫關於 女性「性福」科學的書。
I was thinking about sex all day, every day,
我天天都在想性的事情，
and I was so stressed by the project that I had zero -- zero! -- interest
我被這個項目壓得 喘不過氣來，以致我對性愛
in actually having any sex.
開始變得毫無興趣。
And then I spent months traveling all over,
然後我花了數月到處旅行，
talking with anyone who would listen
跟任何願意傾聽
about the science of women's sexual well-being.
女性「性福」科學的人交談。
And by the time I got home, you know,
當我回到家時，
I'd show up for the party, put my body in the bed,
我試著出現在派對上， 讓自己躺在床上，
let my skin touch my partner's skin,
讓肌膚觸摸伴侶的肌膚，
and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I would just cry and fall asleep.
然而我太累了，不堪重負， 只想哭著就睡著。
And the months of isolation fostered fear and loneliness
幾個月的孤立助長了恐懼、孤獨
and frustration.
和沮喪。
So many hedgehogs.
如此之多的刺蝟。
My best friend, this person I love and admire,
我最好的朋友，我所愛的 和仰慕的這個人，
felt a million miles away.
感覺遠在千裡之外。
But ...
但…
he was still there for me.
他仍然在那裡守候我。
No matter how many difficult feelings there were,
不管心裡多難受，
he turned toward them with kindness and compassion.
他都會用善意和同情對待它們。
He never turned away.
他從不轉身離開。
And what was the second characteristic
那麼什麼是夫妻維持
of couples who sustain a strong sexual connection?
穩固性關係的第二個特徵？
They prioritize sex.
他們把性愛放在第一位。
They decide that it matters for their relationship,
他們肯定了這對他們關係的重要性，
that they do what it takes to find their way back to the connection.
他們會盡一切努力 重新回到這種關係。
I told my friends what sex therapist and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.
我告訴我的朋友，性治療師兼研究者 佩吉·克萊因普拉茨是這麼說的，
She asks: What kind of sex is worth wanting?
她問：「女性想要什麼樣的性愛？
My partner and I looked at the quality of our connection
我和伴侶研究了我們之間的關係，
and what it brought to our lives,
以及它給我們的生活帶來了什麼，
and we looked at the family of sleepy hedgehogs
我們看著我帶入我們家中的
I had introduced into our home.
昏昏欲睡的刺蝟。
And we decided it was worth it.
我們確認，性愛值得。
We decided -- we chose -- to do what it took to find our way,
我們決定——我們選擇—— 盡一切可能尋找方法，
turning towards each of those sleepy hedgehogs,
用善意和同情去看待每一個
those difficult hurt feelings,
昏昏欲睡的刺蝟，
with kindness and compassion
那些痛苦的感覺，
and setting them free so that we could find our way back
並釋放它們，這樣我們才能找回
to the connection that mattered for our relationship.
對我們關係很重要的聯繫。
This is not the story we are usually told
這不是我們通常聽到的
about how sexual desire works in long-term relationships.
性慾如何在長期關係中 起作用的故事。
But I can think of nothing more romantic,
但我認為沒有什麼
nothing sexier,
比選擇性愛優先
than being chosen as a priority
更加浪漫，更加性感的了，
because that connection matters enough,
因為這個關係足夠重要，
even after I introduced all of these difficult feelings into our relationship.
即便在我引入所有這些困難 的感覺到我們的關係之後。
How do you sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term?
你如何長期保持穩固的性關係？
You look into the eyes of your best friend,
你望著你最好的朋友的眼睛，
and you keep choosing to find your way back.
並且一直選擇回到最初。
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
（鼓掌）