作者：簡.尼爾森博士（正面管教創始人之一）
轉自：www.positivediscipline.com
翻譯：張樂（正面管教家長講師，長春）
三歲以內的孩子在做事情時，根本無法理解父母表達不同意的方式。他們聽不懂「不可以，不行」到底意味著什麼。（即使孩子到了三四歲時，仍然不能夠完全理解這種「不可以」的真正含義，這是個不斷發展的過程。）「不行，不可以」是個抽象的概念，在孩子的世界裡，它與發展的需求，探索世界的需求以及形成自主性和主動性的需求是相反的。
或許孩子知道你不希望她做某些事情，甚至她還了解假如自己真的做了這些事情，會讓你非常憤怒，然而她無法理解為什麼家長認為他們做的不對。孩子明明知道你不讓他做這件事，他還是要在做之前看你一眼，並且還會嘻嘻笑。以一個孩子的眼光看事情與以一個成人的眼光看事情大不相同。孩子對事情的理解常常缺乏必要的內在控制力，以至於無法控制她不經意間那不安分的小手。包括皮亞傑在內的研究者們很早以前就發現，孩子們沒有能力以成年人的方式去理解事情的因果關係和利害關係（這就是為什麼不要對一個孩子只進行單純的說教或對他們實行懲罰性暫停的真正原因）。事實上，直到孩子十歲多的時候，才能形成一定的理解力，才能明白事情的因果關係和社會道德標準。
以下是皮亞傑向我們展示的認知發展理論，幫助父母理解為什麼孩子不能按照你認為的方式去理解諸如「不行，不可以」的概念。
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnArvcWaH6I
給兒童呈現兩杯等量的水。再找兩個杯子，一個又高又細，一個又矮又粗。往這兩個容量相同形狀不同的杯子中倒水，然後問孩子這兩個杯子的水是否一樣多。三歲以內的孩子會說：不一樣。然後會告訴你哪個杯子的水多。而一個六歲的孩子會告訴你水仍然一樣多，而且還會解釋出原因來。
皮亞傑這個實驗驗證了兒童的思維能力問題。當我們弄明白我們認知，解釋，綜合理解一個事物與兒童的差別後，我們成人對孩子的期待就會發生改變了。兒童認識事物和解釋事物的方式與成人是有區別的。兒童對同一事物經驗的理解與成人不同。
埃裡克森，美國兒童發展心理學家，提出人格社會心理發展理論。在一歲多時，兒童進入「我來做」階段。這個階段發展形成了獲得自主感而避免懷疑感和羞恥感的能力。到了兩歲至六歲階段，形成獲得主動感克服內疚感，開始發展探索世界的能力。當一個孩子按照自己的生長規律做出一些事情反而遭到大人的懲罰時這是多麼令人困惑的事情。他會面對進退兩難的境地(潛意識的)：我該遵守父母的規定嗎？還是跟隨我的內在驅動力通過探索世界去發展我的主動感和自主感？
這個發展時期並不意味著可以讓孩子為所欲為。這很好的解釋了為何所有合作的方法必須和善而堅定地施行而不是控制或懲罰，這是你的孩子個性形成時期，你希望你的孩子做出關於他自己的決定：我能行，我可以嘗試，犯錯誤，從中學習，我是被愛的，我是個好孩子。如果你試圖通過內疚，懲罰，羞辱來讓孩子學習，這將會使他形成一種沮喪的感覺（內疚感和羞恥感），這種感覺在成年期後很難修復。
對於四歲以下的孩子，正面管教裡最重要的三個工具是：監督，轉移，引導。告訴他們做什麼而非不做什麼。給他們演示如何去觸摸而不是說：「別碰」。在生命的前幾年，你的職責是在不讓你的恐懼抹殺孩子的勇氣的前提下保證他們的安全。基於此，監管就是一個重要的工具同時伴隨著和善而堅定的引導和教育孩子。
家長們總是會認為當孩子遇到重大危險還無意識時就得打孩子讓他記住。理由包括有生命危險,需要孩子立刻順從等，通過打來引起孩子的注意等有效方法。家長們或許忘了，對一個幼兒來說，一個生氣的，咆哮的打人的父母要遠比任何在繁雜的馬路上玩耍嚇人得多。
我總是會問這些父母：在你打了孩子告訴她要遠離街道玩耍之後，你是否還會讓孩子在無人看管的情況下獨自在附近的繁忙街道上自由玩耍呢？回答總是：不會。
他們知道，無論打與不打，孩子都不具備責任感的成熟度與判斷力。
轉移注意力和重新引導對於幼兒很有效。十五個月大的丹尼爾正踉踉蹌蹌地走向爸爸的電腦。爸爸喊了一聲他的名字，他看了看爸爸，笑了，然後飛快地朝著電腦方向跑去險些摔倒，爸爸把他抱起離開了這裡。
如果丹尼爾要返回那臺不讓碰的電腦會怎樣，父母們需要經過多少次訓練才能讓孩子轉移注意力呢，好吧，盡力而為。正如我們以前所提及的，教育孩子需要耐心和毅力。如果丹尼爾的爸爸衝過去喊叫或者動手打他，他還會想玩電腦嗎。也許會。即使打手阻止了行為，那麼自尊的代價是什麼，懷疑和羞辱？從暴力中學到什麼，和善而堅定的引導丹尼爾接近可接受的物體，直到他了解大人的意圖為止。不要通過懲罰和欺騙的方式來指導孩子的行為。
幼兒正在體驗個性化的建立，正在學習把自身看做一個獨立的個體。這是個自然健康的過程，但也是父母頻繁嘗試並努力的過程。用不了多久孩子就會了解到「不行」這個詞的威力，或者通過利用這個否定回答激發了各種有趣的行為。大人們總是不可避免地通過這種方式教育孩子，但只要改變一下自己的行為和對孩子的期望，就會減少對孩子的負面影響。
Copyright reserved
轉載已經尼爾森博士許可
TIPS:
正面管教工具卡內含52張卡片，每張卡片介紹一個正面管教工具。當遇到孩子的挑戰不知所措時，拿出工具卡翻一翻，也許能找到靈感:)
正面管教之家獲得中文版授權並獨家銷售。您若想購買文中提到的工具卡，請訪問正面管教之家網站www.pd-home.org。
轉載請註明：
作者：簡.尼爾森博士（正面管教創始人之一）
轉自：www.positivediscipline.com
翻譯：張樂（正面管教家長講師，長春）
源自公眾號：正面管教之家，微信號：PD-Home
網站：www.pd-home.org
正面管教之家獲得中文版授權並獨家銷售。您若想購買文中提到的工具卡，請訪問正面管教之家網站www.pd-home.org。
Positive Discipline Tool Card Series 38—Distract andRedirect
By Dr. Jane Nelsen
From www.positivediscipline.com
Children under the age of three do not understand 「no」 in the way most parents thinkthey do. (And a full understanding of 「no」 doesn’t occur magically when the child turns three.It is a developmental process.)「No」 is an abstractconcept that is in direct opposition to the developmental need of youngchildren to explore their world and to develop their sense of autonomy andinitiative.
Oh, your child may 「know」 you don’t want herto do something. She may even know she will get an angry reaction from you ifshe does it. However, she cannot understand why in the way an adult thinks shecan. Why else would a child look at you before doing what she 「knows」 she shouldn’t do,grin, and do it anyway? Knowing things as a toddler means something fardifferent than knowing things as an adult. Her version of knowing lacks theinternal controls necessary to halt her roving fingers.Researchers like Jean Piaget discovered long ago that toddlers lack the abilityto understand cause and effect (an excellent reason not to try to lecture andargue a toddler into doing what you want—or to use punitive time-out). In fact,"higher order" thinking like understanding consequences and ethicsmay not develop until children are as old as ten.
The following Piaget demonstration illustrateintellectual development, and helps parents understand why children can’tunderstand some concepts (such as 「no」) as soon as adults think they can.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnArvcWaH6I
Find two glasses that are the same size. Then find one glass that is tallerand thinner, and one glass that is shorter and fatter. Fill the two glassesthat are the same size with water until a three-year-old agrees they are thesame. Then, right in front of her, pour the water from one of these glassesinto the short, fat glass, and the other one into the tall, thin glass. Thenask her if they are still the same. She will say, 「No,」 and will tell you which glassshe thinks contains the most water. A six-year-old will tell you they containthe same amount and can tell you why.
This demonstration illustrates the thinking abilities identified by Piaget.When we understand that perceiving, interpreting, and comprehending an eventare so markedly different for young children, our expectations as adults alter.The meaning children attach to their experiences does not match the meaningadults attach to the same experiences.
Erik Erikson, child development psychiatrist, identified the agesand stages of emotional-social development. Around the age of one, childrenenter the 「me do it」 stage. This is whenthey develop a sense of autonomy vs. doubt and shame. The ages of two throughsix herald the development of a sense of initiative vs. guilt. It is a child'sdevelopmental job to explore and experiment. Can you imagine how confusing itis to a child to be punished for what he is developmentally programmed to do?He is faced with a real dilemma (at a subconscious level): 「Do I obey my parents,or do I follow my biological drive to develop autonomy and initiative byexploring and experimenting in my world?」
These stages of development do not mean childrenshould be allowed to do anything they want.It does explain whyall methods to gain cooperation should be kind and firm at the same timeinstead of controlling and/or punitive. This is a time of life when yourchild’s personality is being formed, and you wantyour child to make decisions about him or herself that say, 「I amcapable. I can try, make mistakes, and learn. I am loved. I am a good person.」 If youare tempted to help your child learn by guilt, shame, or punishment, you willbe creating discouraging beliefs (a sense of guilt and shame) that aredifficult to reverse in adulthood.
The three most important discipline tools to usewith children under the age of four is supervision, distraction, andredirection.Showing them what to do instead of what not to do(showing them how to touch nicely instead of saying, 「Don’t hit.」 During the first years of life,your job is to keep your child safe without letting your fears discourage her.For this reason, supervision is an important parenting tool, along withkindness and firmness while redirecting or teaching your child.
Parents almost always cite the danger of a child running into the street asa justification for spanking a toddler. Reasons include the life and deathnature of the situation, the need for immediate compliance, and theeffectiveness of a spanking for getting a child’s attention. The thing they forget is that to a toddler, an angry,shouting, spanking parent is probably far more frightening than any street.
I always ask these parents, 「After you have spanked your child to teach her to stayout of the street, will you now allow her to play in front of a busy streetunsupervised?」
The answer is always, 「No.」
They know, spanking or no spanking, that they can’texpect her to have the maturity and judgment to have that responsibility.
Distraction and redirection works well withtoddlers.Fifteen-month-old Daniel wastoddling toward his Dad’s computer. Dad called his name and Daniel looked athim, grinned, and toddled so fast in the direction of the computer that healmost fell. Dad picked him up, gave him a big hug, and took him over to hisblocks.
What if Daniel keeps returning to the forbidden computer? How many timesmust a parent distract or redirect a child’s attention? Well, as many times asit takes. As we』ve mentioned before, it takes patience and perseverance totrain a young child. If Daniel’s dad slapped his hand or spanked him, would hestill want to play with the computer? Probably so. And even if spankings stopthe behavior, what is the cost in self-esteem, doubt and shame? What are thelessons about violence? Kindly but firmly directing Daniel toward acceptableobjects, and continuing to do so until he gets the message, guides his behaviorwithout punishing or shaming, and without inviting a battle of wills.
Toddlers are experiencing individuation, learningto see themselves as separate, independent beings. It’s a natural and healthyprocess, but one that is frequently trying for parents. At onelevel it doesn’t take long for a young child to learn the power of the word 「no,」 orthat by using it he can provoke all sorts of interesting reactions. Adultscan’t always avoid these confrontations, but changing your own behavior andexpectations can lessen their impact.
Posting by Positive DisciplineHome
Permitted by Dr. Nelsen
轉載請註明：
作者：簡.尼爾森博士（正面管教創始人之一）
轉自：www.positivediscipline.com
源自公眾號：正面管教之家，微信號：PD-Home
網站：www.pd-home.org
正面管教之家獲得中文版授權並獨家銷售。您若想購買文中提到的工具卡，請訪問正面管教之家網站www.pd-home.org。
*******************************
正面管教之家的使命是
為家長、學校、社會提供正面管教體系全方位培育和諮詢，幫助成人與孩子共同成長，修身，齊家，為世界、為未來播下一顆顆幸福的種子。
我們的願景是
「正面管教之家」匯聚正面管教導師/講師，秉承「社會責任感」的理念，與美國正面管教協會和創始人密切合作，結合中國文化，通過父母課堂，講師資質培訓，學校實施培訓與諮詢，以及兒童社會情感課程等全方位培訓和諮詢服務，讓家長、學校、社會最大程度受益於正面管教，讓世界更美好。
我們相信
Respect
Gemeinshaftsgefuehl
Learning
Open
Teamwork
我們承諾我們將身體力行我們希望孩子所具備的品質和技能，改變從我開始。