Surely， you've noticed. Indians， however good in any other Indian language， inevitably talk to their waiters，and their dogs， in English. The restaurant may be below average， forget high-end，but try placing the order in Hindi， which you know the waiter is better at， and he'll still reply to you in English: Yes， sir. No， sir. Sorry， sir， we don't have Pepsi， we have Coke.
In a country largely Hindu or Muslim by faith， the population of pet dogs or cats appear alarmingly Christian by birth. You're unlikely to have heard an owner call out to Pappu， his Pomeranian， 「Jaa， ball leke aa.」 It's usually Tommy who must fetch the ball，while Mehra sahib goes back to his Punjabi with friends.
Besides a small Anglo-Indian community that traces half its bloodline to the British， and many Christian families that accessed the language through religion，Indians largely learnt their English either at schools and colleges or through books and newspapers. Some， more lately， learnt it first from their parents， who in turn had absorbed it from school-texts and popular reading. This is why we read better than we speak， and often speak the way we read. You can usually tell an Indian who's 「out of station」 on a hot day， 「perspiring」 as he 「purchases」 things， and while bargaining， probably makes his case with an 「until and unless.」
There are an estimated 100 million English speakers in India. They make for engines of the country's economic growth by virtue of that facility alone. The world loves us for them， because the West can do business with us with much ease. Clients are relatively satisfied. Some kids mug up foreign accents at call centres. Professional emails flying all over the world from India deserve a「kind revertal」 before you can do the「needful.」
How relatively poor we are at speaking the language itself usually escapes the stunning multi-million dollar statistic. We only get poorer still for the shame attached to not speaking it supposedly right. Grammar for the educated Indian got etched in stone in a little red book called the Wren And Martin， written for British officers' children in India （including today's Pakistan， and Burma） back in 1935. It's still followed in certain Indian schools. At least their much older alumni swear by it. Even your girlfriend won't spare you if you got a word or sentence wrong， or said it the way it's apparently not to be. Others will only scoff.
There is no legit thing as a proper Indian English accent either. It remains still an enduring gag. Indian Younglish is an illegitimate twang， a strange progeny of our love for both sides of the Atlantic Ocean. The sentences could begin with a「Yo」， borrowed from a New York hood，and conclude with a peculiarly British intonation， 「Yeah？」 picked up from a London quarter. I alternate between American and British Indian spellings while writing， because sweet we are like that！
你一定已經注意到了。印度人不管其他印度當地語言說得多好，他們必定跟服務員和寵物狗說英語。高檔餐廳就不提了，在低於一般水平的餐廳裡，如果你試著用服務員理應更熟練的印地語點菜，他仍會用英語回答你：是的，先生。不是，先生。對不起，先生，我們沒有百事可樂，我們有可口可樂。
在一個以印度教徒或穆斯林為主的國家，寵物貓狗卻似乎驚人地生為基督徒。人們不太可能聽到主人用當地語言招呼自己的甜心博美犬去撿球，而通常是用英語喊道，「湯米，撿球」，然後梅赫拉先生繼續用旁遮普語跟朋友們聊天。
除了為數不多有一半英國人血統的英印混血兒和許多通過宗教接觸到英語的基督教家庭，印度人基本上是在學校或通過書報學習英語。更近一段時間，有些印度人首先是跟父母學習英語的，而父母的英語也是從學校的課本和通俗讀物中學來的。正是因此我們的閱讀能力比口語強，而且我們的口語往往像書面語。如果有人在大熱天「out of station（去了郊區）」，「purchases（購買）」東西時「perspiring（汗流浹背）」，還價的時候可能會用「until and unless（除非……才……）」這樣的句式，那通常是個印度人。
據估計現在印度有1億人會說英語。他們僅僅因為這個特性便成為印度經濟增長的引擎。世界因為他們而偏寵印度，原因是西方人可以輕鬆跟我們打交道。客戶都比較滿意。有些印度孩子會在呼叫中心突擊學習外國口音。從印度發往世界各地的專業電郵在「勞您費力」前還請「賜復為盼」。
我們英語口語的相對薄弱常常在這耀眼的數百萬美元數據之外。而沒有按照正確要求說英語之恥讓我們愈發顯得弱爆了。受過教育的印度人把《雷恩和馬丁》這本小紅皮書講授的語法奉為金科玉律，而這本書是早在1935年為當時駐印度（包括現在巴基斯坦和緬甸）的英國官員子女編寫的。現在部分印度學校仍在使用這本書。至少學校的老一輩校友對其無比信賴。如果你把一個詞或句子說錯了，或者明顯發音不對，連女朋友也不會放過你。而其他人只會冷嘲熱諷。
印式英語也並沒有什么正宗的口音。這仍是一個經久不衰的槽點。印式「央」語是一種不正規的方言，是我們對大西洋兩岸皆戀戀不捨所產生的怪胎。印式英語的一句話可能借用紐約人常用的「Yo」開頭，而以倫敦街區學來的典型英式語調「Yeah？」結尾。寫作時我穿插使用美式和英式的印度英語拼寫，因為親愛的，這就是我們的作派！（胡溦譯自美國石英財經網站3月16日文章）
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