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Keep it going for the next performer,
有請下一位表演者
my man, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani.
我兄弟 庫米爾·南賈尼先生
Hello.
你好
Um, I'll tell you about myself.
我說說我自己
I grew up in Pakistan.
我在巴基斯坦長大
And people are always asking me,
人們總是問我
"What was that like?"
那是什麼感覺
Really not that different from here.
真的與此沒什麼不同
I mean, we played cricket,
我們玩板球
which is just a spicier version of baseball.
一種加了香料的棒球
And we prayed a lot.
我們常祈禱
Well, not a lot. Just five times a day.
也不是很多 一天五次
And we marry someone our parents find for us,
父母早為我們找好了結婚對象
arranged marriage, you know?
包辦婚姻 你知道嗎
But, for me, it was probably that we got episodes
但對我來說就是晚看
of Knight Rider a little bit later.
「霹靂遊俠」美劇 稍晚一點
And by "little bit later, "
「稍晚一點」的意思是
I mean, we just got episode two.
我們才看到第二集
But other than that, it was exactly the same.
但除此之外 完全一樣
So, these are my real journals, honestly.
這些都是我真正的日記
And this is the woman who wrote them.
這是女作者
Poor gal.
可憐的姑娘
Yeah. She She has no idea that, like,
她完全不知道
giant titties are about to sprout
巨型乳房即將發芽
and change her life dramatically.
並戲劇性地 改變她的生活
So, uh, thank you, guys
所以 謝謝你們
There's no bad crowds, dude, only bad comedians.
沒有糟糕的觀眾 夥計 只有糟糕的喜劇演員
You complain about the crowd, like, all the time.
你總是抱怨觀眾
Yeah, like, that's when they're really bad.
就像他們 真的很糟糕
That's, like, 90% of the time they're really bad.
起碼90％的時間 他們真的很糟糕
Look, will you just watch and give me notes tonight?
聽著 你能關照我 今晚給我提示
All right?
好嗎
If we both give each other notes, I think it helps.
如果我們相互提示 絕對好
Your notes are just, "Add more fucks into the bit."
你的提示只是在段子亂添「操」
That doesn't help anybody. Hey, fuck's a funny word.
對誰都沒用 「操」 是一個趣味詞
It's soft on the top, and it's hard on the end.
開始軟 最後硬
That was truly horrible.
真可怕
That was so bad. What happened?
太糟糕了 發生什麼事了
Just watch. I'll watch, give you notes.
關照一下 我會的 還給你提示
All right. Thank you. Hey, that was great.
好嗎 謝謝 嘿 太棒了
No, he didn't even crack a smile.
不 他都沒笑
I thought I was gonna puke. Who?
我以為我要吐了 誰
Bob Dalavan.
鮑勃·達勒萬
Who's Bob Dalavan?
誰是鮑勃·達勒萬
Bob Dalavan works for the Montreal Comedy Festival,
鮑伯·達勒萬 為蒙特婁喜劇節工作
you fucking doof.
你個傻蛋
He's here? Yes.
他在這裡 是的
Don't you want to get noticed?
你不想被注意嗎
Don't you want to move to L.A.?
你不想搬到洛杉礬去嗎
Hang out with Elijah Wood, and shit?
天哪 和以利亞·伍德混
Nobody's on stage?
沒人上臺
No.
沒有
He might've been doing cocaine.
他可能在製造古柯鹼
Was he doing cocaine recreationally?
製造古柯鹼 因為好玩
True cokehead.
真癮君子
Cocaine. I wonder if he was.
癮君子 我懷疑他是
Now, before I bring out the next guy,
現在 在我猜出下一個傢伙前
you guys know tonight is Jell-O shot Tuesday!
今晚是吉露果子凍之夜 星期二
And we all know what happens after eight Jell-O shots.
我們都知道八發果凍杯後會怎樣
We urinate all over ourselves and puke.
會尿自己一身 嶇吐
Okay, so I'm gonna bring up the next comic.
好吧 所以我要請出下一位演員
Confidence. Poise. You know this man.
信心 風度 這個人
Give it up for Mr. Chris Jones!
歡迎 克裡斯·瓊斯先生
Smile.
微笑
Chris! He's like if a serial killer
克裡斯 他就像操了
fucked an inspirational speaker.
勵志演說家的連環殺手
He's like Daniel Day-Lewis, except he sucks.
他就像丹尼爾·戴·劉易斯 除了他很遜
I've tried his warm-up.
我在替他熱場
It does not work for me. So unsettling.
這對我不管用 令人不安
Just bought a laser printer.
剛買了一合雷射印表機
Printed out, like, six lasers so far.
列印出來 到目前為止打了六個雷射器
Maybe. Hey, DODD.
也許 嘿 多德
Uh, Dalavan's in the crowd tonight.
達勒萬 今晚挺受歡迎
Can I do ten? No, five minutes.
我能十分鐘嗎 不 五分鐘
You put out chairs, you do five minutes.
你把椅子放好 你五分鐘
You know the deal. Come on, man.
規矩你懂 拜託 夥計
I'll double it up next time. Come on.
我下次加倍 拜託
What are you gonna do in there?
你在那裡打算做什麼
I'm making up next week's schedule.
我正在安排下周的日程
Okay, cool.
好的 酷
I was in bed with my girlfriend,
我和女朋友在床上
and I was trying to mansplain to her that, you know, we
我想對她男人式說教
We are on one little rock orbiting one star in a galaxy
小小地球 不過是銀河系一個恆星的小行星
of a billion stars in a universe
全宇宙充滿著10億星系
full of a billion galaxies.
每個星系10億恆星
You know, so I forgot your birthday.
難怪我忘了你的生日
Who gives a shit?
誰在乎
Like, you are cosmically overreacting to this.
好比 宇宙規模級的反應過度
Honestly, you are being super selfish.
老實說 你超級自私
You're right, but you're selfish.
你是對的 但你很自私
Hey.
嘿
Have you guys heard of this drug cocktail called cheese?
你們聽說過別稱「奶酪」的雞尾酒新藥嗎
Uh, I saw these news reports, so I looked up what cheese is,
我看了新聞報導 所以我查了這種奶酪的成分
and cheese is a mixture.
它是一種混合物
Cheese is Tylenol PM and heroin.
泰諾林外加海洛因
So, really, it's heroin.
本質是海洛因
Heroin's doing the heavy lifting.
海洛因勇挑重擔
Just do the heroin. It's very powerful.
光海洛因本身 就夠強大了
You already have heroin.
你已經有海洛因了
Is Pakistan in the house?
這裡有巴基斯坦人嗎
Really? You're not from Pakistan.
真的 你不是巴基斯坦人
I would've noticed you.
我早注意你了
Are you kidding me? Mmm.
開什麼玩笑 嗯
He just gave you Montreal? Like, you don't have to
他剛允許你去蒙特婁
showcase or audition or anything?
不需要展示 或者試鏡什麼的
No. It was too easy, almost.
不要 這太簡單了 幾乎
Like, I wanted to struggle. I wanted I wanted a story
我也想奮鬥 想要故事
to be able to tell on talk shows,
直接上脫口秀
and instead, like
而不是
You guys don't know how tough it is not to struggle.
你們不知道奮鬥有多艱難
It's It's a struggle succeeding effortlessly.
這是一場成功的奮鬥
Did he say anything about me? Sure.
他有說我什麼嗎 當然
What about me? He They, both of you.
那我呢 你們兩個
He said, "Those guys performed."
他說 「那些傢伙演完了」
I truly hate you, actually.
事實上我真的恨你
We all hate you.
我們都恨你
Hi. Hi.
你好 嘿
Hello. Um, my name's Kumail.
你好 嗯 我叫庫米爾
Yeah, we know.
我們知道
Yeah, we saw you perform.
我們看到你表演了
Now that the niceties are out of the way, um,
現在不拘小節
I have to tell you that when you yelled at me,
我得告訴你 當你看我時
it really threw me off,
真的讓我分心了
and, uh, you really shouldn't heckle comedians.
你不應該起鬨喜劇演員
It's so rude.
太粗魯了
I didn't heckle you.
我沒起鬨你
I just whoo-hoo'd you. It was supportive.
我只是呼呼你 這是支持
Okay, that's a common misconception.
好吧 常見的誤會
But yelling anything at a comedian
但對著喜劇演員大喊大叫
is considered heckling.
就是起鬨